Shera's Diary

Chapter 14

Rut

By Kristen Gupton-Williams

((Holds up a sign Will write for reviews!))

Dear Diary,

The frequency with which I'm updating this journal continues to decline. It's been a little over six months from the last time, once more.

I turned twenty-five a few months ago, and the captain took me out for dinner that night. It had been quite nice. For a gift, I had been given a gift certificate to a clothing store.

In the captain's words, "I just don't fuckin' know what a woman would want. You need new clothes for work, though, since our passengers do see ya on occasion."

It was a lovely night, his doubts over his gift giving included.

Today, however, is February twenty second.

This time? It's Captain Highwind's thirtieth birthday.

He was down most of the day. I've come to appreciate that he sinks into these little depressions here and there, but today, I excused it. Turning thirty, for him, seems to be a big one.

I, once again, made prime rib for his dinner, the chocolate cake for dessert, and procured a case of that beer. It seemed to make him happy last year, anyway.

Tonight, he got in from his last flight at just a few minutes past seven, and I had dinner waiting for him.

He came in, landed at the table, and started to eat, without much acknowledgement toward me.

"Happy Birthday, Captain," I said quietly, bringing a beer over to him and then sitting down as well.

"Yeah… thanks. It looks good…" he replied, starting to get his plate loaded up.

We had dinner in relative silence before retiring to the family room. He sat in his chair, and I sat on the ground before him. Both having been drinking during dinner, I think we were both a little tipsy. I was, anyway.

I reached under the coffee table and pulled out the gift I'd gotten for him. "I got you something."

The captain reached out and took the box from me and opened it. When he saw what was within, one of his eyebrows cocked.

I had to laugh. "It's a GPS system for your truck. You always seem to get frustrated when you can't remember how to get places on the ground, so I thought it would be a good idea."

"I've actually been thinkin' about gettin' one of these. Thanks," he said back, before setting the box over on the coffee table again. The alcohol and present seemed to cut away some of the darkness that had been around him, and I finally saw him smile. "Shera, can you do me a favor?"

"Anything, Captain."

"Can you promise to make me the same dinner on all my birthdays? I mean, I really do like it. Hell, you're the only one besides my momma that's ever even remembered my birthday." The captain looked at me.

I smiled broadly and laughed a little. "I would be glad to, Sir."

"Good girl…" he sighed, leaning back in his chair. "Can I ask ya somethin' else?"

I couldn't help but wonder what was on his mind. "Absolutely."

He broke into a lazy and amused grin. "Y'all still a virgin?"

"Captain!" I said back, half laughing and throwing the nearest convenient magazine at him.

Deflecting the periodical with a wide swing of his arm, he laughed. "You said I could ask anythin'!"

"When, pray tell, have I had the chance for my… status to change since you last asked me before the launch?" I was giggling now, both from the ridiculous question and the amount I had drank.

"I dunno… I'm gone overnight a lot! Maybe y'all are havin' wild parties when I'm away," he laughed back.

"You know me better than that, Sir." I rolled my eyes, my smile not fading.

"You plan on dyin' that way, then?" he asked, still clearly joking.

"It's not a possibility I've written off at this point!" I laughed so hard that I snorted.

His expression suddenly changed, and he leaned forward in his chair, locking into my gaze, looking deadly serious. "Well, I can fix that for you."

I must have turned fire engine red at that and I stuttered for a few seconds. This was so out in left field. "Uh…I… I, uh… C…Captain…I…"

His eyes narrowed for a moment, before he broke into a grin. "Aw… I'm just fuckin' with ya!"

Relieved on one hand, but really… disappointed on another, I laughed as well. "You're just terrible!"

"Yeah, so I've been told a time or two." The captain sank back into his chair again, still snickering to himself.

I figured that I had nothing to lose and turned the tables on him at that point. "What about you?"

An eyebrow quirked. "What about me what?"

"What's your sexual history?" I asked, crawling over to the couch, deciding that the floor just wasn't very comfortable.

He didn't reply.

I looked over at him once I got situated. "It's only fair, Captain! You did ask me and turn about is fair play."

The captain growled to himself discontentedly. "Well, I ain't no damn virgin, if that's what y'all are askin'!"

"I didn't suppose that you were," I retorted, having to smile at his uncomfortable expression.

"I ain't…"

"How many girls have you been with?" I couldn't help myself. This was information that I honestly wanted.

"Four." He avoided looking at me at all.

"So you've had four girlfriends?"

"They weren't girlfriends," he sighed.

I looked at him, wondering. "Oh?"

"I don't really… I don't talk about this shit, Shera."

"All right, if you don't want to, you don't have to." I'm sure my disappointment was obvious.

"You really wanna hear this?" he asked, sitting up slightly.

I nodded, despite myself.

"Why?"

Well, he had me there. "I feel like I don't know much about you other than what your mother has told me on the few occasions she's come over."

"My momma don't know none of this shit," he laughed back.

"I would hope not!" And then I had another giggling fit.

Have I ever mentioned that beer can be a wonderful thing?

"They were all just sorta… one nighters, really…" The captain's eyes drifted up toward the ceiling. "I'd go to a bar, get drunk and girls… there's just girls that have a thing for pilots, ya know?"

Oh God how I knew, and I nodded.

"I usually turned 'em down, but there were a few times that I drank probably a little too much and… I didn't refuse." His cheeks took on a dark hue.

"But it never panned out into anything?" I quietly asked.

"No. Hell, all four times, they left right afterward. Never heard from any of them ever again because I was just some sort of conquest and they were onto the next great thing." There was something in his voice as he said that.

"That's really… kind of sad, Captain." Something in my heart ached.

His eyes closed. "I was so Goddamned drunk when it happened each time, that I didn't feel much and I remember even less…"

"When was the last time it happened?" I supposed I might be prying now, but as long as he was answering and I was drunk enough not to hold my tongue…

I barely heard his answer. "Eight years ago."

I examined him as he sat there, eyes closed, mouth no longer displaying anything even remotely like a smile. The loneliness around him was almost tangible in that moment.

This was his thirtieth birthday and he'd never had a girlfriend.

Who was I to talk, though? At twenty-five, I was no better.

One of his eyes opened and he got up, unsteadily from his chair. He came over to the couch and sat down beside me, leaning back against the arm of it. The captain held out his arms to me. "C'mere."

I did as asked and got closer to him. He pulled me down and against his chest, keeping his arms around me tightly and pulling his legs up onto the couch. I felt him kiss the top of my head. "Shera?"

I lay against his chest, hearing his heart beat within. How much alike, and yet different than his last birthday this had proven to be. "Yes, Captain?"

"Thanks for stayin' around," he said quietly.

"Thanks for having me, Sir."

"You… I, uh… this… what we've got kinda goin' here between us, it's all right, ain't it?" There was some discomfort in his tone, although I didn't really understand what it meant.

I answered as I thought he would want me to. "That we're business partners? Yes, I'm all right with it."

"Business partners…" his voice cracked.

I looked up at him as best that I could. "…and friends."

He kissed the top of my head once more before falling asleep there with me against him.

I got up after a long while, not waking him. I covered the captain with a blanket and am now sitting in his chair, writing this and watching him sleep.

…and friends.

Sometimes, I question my own intelligence.

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Dear Diary,

So, I'm still out of my groove. This time, it hasn't been six months since I last wrote.

It hasn't been a year…

It's been almost two years.

Two years.

I'm still living in the captain's house, in my own room, of course. I've looked, from time to time, for my own place. It's not that I want to leave the captain's home at all, it just seemed like I should be putting some effort into being on my own, right?

Captain Highwind was right, though. Even now, all these years later, no one will lease a place to me. They aren't rude about it ever, they just never call me back after I leave a rental application.

Honestly? I'm glad I've never been called back. It would, after all, be a lot harder to look after the captain's needs if I wasn't in his house.

The charter business is still going well. The captain even traded in his old plane for a newer one. Shin Ra invested in our business, in return for getting their logo on the plane. Sadly, it came prenamed the Tiny Bronco, a name that he, admittedly, dislikes. When I asked him why he didn't just change the plane's name to suit him better, his answer was simple.

"Because it's bad luck, real bad luck, to rename a ship or plane, Shera."

Well, pardon me for not knowing! I had to laugh, I truly did.

Anyway, the captain is in another funk. I finally broke down and asked him what it was before he took off this morning.

He looked me square in the eye. "I'm ready, all most, to sorta… give up on this town."

I didn't quite understand. "Sir?"

"This town, Shera." Captain Highwind's eyes turned toward his decaying rocket. "I've started thinkin' that I should move. I mean, it'd be cheaper to live somewhere like Kalm and it'd be closer to most of our charter clients. Besides, I'm tired of feelin' like a Goddamned babysitter around here."

I got what he meant with that. Increasingly over the years, the people of this town have come to depend on the captain's input on things. They basically regard him as something of a mayor now. When it first started, he welcomed it, but he's come to feel like it's more of a burden. A part of me, though, wondered if it was just the presence of the rocket that was wearing on him. However, that was not my main worry over what he'd said. "If… if you move, though, will you want me to go with you?"

Captain Highwind looked at me like I'd just said the dumbest thing he'd ever heard. "Of course I'd want you to go! Goddamn, Shera! You're my fuckin' partner!"

He's an ass, but I sure love him.