Shera's Diary

Chapter 20

Confession

By Kristen Gupton-Williams

Dear Diary,

Poor Cid.

Even though I let him sleep until nearly one this afternoon, it wasn't even ten thirty tonight before he fell asleep in his chair, watching television. I've covered him with a blanket, and am sitting on the couch, unwilling to get any further away from him. I suppose that when I've finished writing this, I'll get him up and into bed.

When I woke him up this afternoon and got him into the kitchen to eat, he sat there in silence. I felt that there was something different about him. He wasn't being quiet because he was mad or in any sort of bad mood whatsoever. Cid was just… different. Contemplative…

After that, we went into the family room and just sat. He watched a few of his favorite movies, and drank some beer. Usually, even on the best of days, I could count on at least one explosion of frustration or anger from him about something, but there was just… nothing.

I couldn't help but ask him when we retreated back into the kitchen for dinner if everything was all right.

Cid just nodded, keeping his eyes on his food. "Yeah, I'm just… tired."

I knew that wasn't the case. I mean, sure, I knew he was tired, but that had never kept him this silent before. "Oh… it just seems like you've got something on your mind."

"I am sorta in the middle of tryin' to save the world," he replied quietly, with a laugh.

"I would imagine that's quite a burden," I said, and despite the dire circumstances, I smiled.

"You'd think…" He fell silent again for several moments while he finished eating and then pushed back his plate. His hands wrapped around the cup of tea he had. "You can tell when I'm full of shit, can't ya?"

"There are times, yes, when I know you're not being entirely open with me." I got up and took our plates over to the sink before bringing the cake I'd made for dessert over to the table.

His eyes lit up momentarily and he immediately cut himself a large piece. "I been cravin' this forever."

"You do seem to have an affinity for it, I've noticed. You took the last one I made you back onto the airship. I had to buy a new cake pan thanks to that." I smiled broadly.

"Guilty as charged." He took another break from the conversation as he devoured his cake and then cut another piece.

I just watched him as he proceeded to have a total of four pieces. I don't know how he can eat that much of it without getting sick.

"Yeah, well… anyway, it ain't just the mission on my mind," he nearly whispered.

"Is that so?" I wondered what it was.

Those wonderful blue eyes of his came up to meet mine. "Since that rocket launch and… seein' that you really were right about that eight tank… To be real honest, I've felt like shit. The way I've treated ya all these years… Why didn't ya ever just tell me to go fuck myself? Why put up with it when you knew, you knew, Shera, that you were right?"

"I felt that it was my responsibility to have found that mistake long before the launch so that it could have been fixed ahead of time. It was my failure," I answered honestly. Since we were on the subject of the past, I couldn't help but ask my own questions that I'd kept buried for five years. "I think the better question is why did you, believing that I'd ruined your dream, still… look over me when I was evicted and living in my car? I know it was you, Cid, that covered my back window after it was broken out, that had left me that money and those sandwiches, that fought off Gregory when he attacked me, and that…"

"That what?" he asked leaning forward onto the table.

"I found my sleeping pills in your medicine cabinet. You took them out of my car…" My voice failed me at that point.

He knit his brow and dropped his gaze back to the table's surface. "Yeah, it was all me, Shera."

"Why?"

Cid tensed his jaw and took a deep breath. "I liked ya. I sorta had… started to feel like there was somethin' between us before the launch and even with as fuckin' pissed off as I was afterward, I just couldn't write you off completely. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. I found myself walkin' past that car on my way home from the bar every night since I took to drinkin' real heavy that first few weeks. You didn't deserve all the shit that fell on ya then so I just… I did what I felt like I had to do."

I watched as he suddenly blushed horribly. I reached over and took a hold of one of his hands. "Cid?"

"I knew I had to take those pills… You left that Goddamned diary you write in on the passenger seat and I read it though the window. I saw that you intended to kill yourself… I couldn't let that happen so I stole 'em." He looked up at me sheepishly.

There was so much that he'd just said in those last few statements, that I was forced silent for a moment as I absorbed it all. I blushed myself when I realized that he'd read my diary. However, it was the fact that he said he felt like there was something happening between us before the launch that caused my heart to leap into my throat. "Cid… if the launch had gone as planned and you'd survived… what do you think would have happened?"

Cid shrugged a little. "I was… kinda thinkin' that I'd try goin' for a real relationship with ya if you'd been interested. I wasn't sure if you were just so nice to me, though, because we were friends or if y'all really liked me like that."

"I would have definitely been interested," I confessed, feeling my cheeks literally burn.

He nodded. "After the launch failed, sure, I was mad but I still… I never woulda let you into my home… I never woulda let you stay here for all these years if… I mean… I'm tryin' to…"

I tightened my grip on his hand. "Cid… you don't have to say anything that you don't want."

Cid had a faintly angry expression pass behind his eyes, but then it faded and he locked into my gaze again. "Shera, I love ya, I always have."

I stopped breathing and felt like I was about to fall out of my chair.

There it was. There was no more wondering about what he meant with what he said nor with what his gestures toward me symbolized.

I suddenly felt like an idiot for not having known all along. "C…Cid…"

"Well… I shoulda said it five fuckin' years ago. I shoulda told ya before the original launch in case I'd died so you woulda known. I shoulda said it afterward. I shoulda said it before I ended up with AVALANCHE. I shoulda said it when ya saved my life again on that fuckin' rocket. I shoulda… I shoulda said it the last time I was here in case anythin' had happened to me…" There was a look of pain upon his face. Captain Cid Highwind had just humbled himself completely.

The thing was? I think deep down, on some level, I had known. In a way, he had said it with the things he'd done. "You showed it, though."

"I'll never forgive myself for the Hell I've put you through, Shera. Never." I could have sworn there was a hint of tears in his eyes.

"It's all right, Cid." I reached over with my other hand as well, now holding both of his.

"No, it ain't. I've wasted these five years, Shera. Now, the world might end and we don't got the damn time for shit." He looked away from me.

"You're not going to fail. You and the others will win this, I believe it completely. Then afterward… we can take things from there." I couldn't believe any of this was happening.

He nodded to himself, drawing in a shaking breath. "You… you said you woulda been interested if I'd asked ya to try a relationship with me five years ago. You… you meanin' to say you still feel that way?"

I couldn't help myself and I got up from my seat and went around the table. I went right up behind him and bent down, leaning against his back and placing my arms around his neck, resting my chin on his left shoulder. "I think you know the answer to that."

He laughed a little to himself, and brought his left hand up and placed it on my arms. "Shera…"

"I don't want you to worry about anything, Cid," I said quietly, trying to contain my happiness for his sake. I know that he doesn't like emotional moments. "Look, it's almost nine now, and that movie you wanted to watch is about to come on. Go in the family room and I'll bring you another cup of tea, okay?"

Cid nodded to himself and got up. He kissed me on the cheek before retreating into the family room.

Alone for a moment, I…

I did a brief happy dance as I waited for the water for his tea to heat.

I know, the world is in danger of ending but right now? I don't much care about that.

Cid loves me.

He really, honestly loves me!

Everything that I'd been through in the last five years had been worth it, it truly had!

When the water was hot, I made his tea and took it out to him. I then sat on the couch and just watched as he enjoyed his movie.

Cid would look over at me frequently. I didn't say much to him because I knew that he was trying to cope with all that had just been revealed between the two of us. I've learned, over the years, that when he's muddling through something, he's best left to himself.

Sure, in my fantasy world all these years, he would confess his love for me and then carry me off to bed. I knew, though, that this was how it would really happen if it did.

He would fess up finally, and then feel all self-conscious about it for a day or two before daring to make any sort of real move at all.

Sadly, we don't have several days. We have until tomorrow when he has to go back.

Like I said in the beginning of this entry-- he's now asleep in his chair.

Time to get him into his bed.

(Sorry I took a few days off there. Merry Christmas for the Christians, Happy Holidays for the others, or… just sit around and be miserable if you're a Witness. Tomorrow, on Christmas Day, I turn 31. Cripes.)