"Brooke!" Haley said standing up from her position on the couch. She sounds so cheery. "O my gosh." Her voice isn't as happy now. Her eyes are completely focused on Wyatt. Of course that was her reaction. I had expected it.
"Oh my gosh." Haley said one more time as she sits back down on the couch, still looking at Wyatt. Of course she kept saying this. She was overwhelmed. Wyatt was the spitting image of Lucas except he got my dimpled smile. That was really the only way anyone could tell he was mine.
"Hey Tutor wife." I say quietly.
"So, this is awkward" Peyton says appearing from the kitchen. I set Wyatt down and he goes over and starts playing with his toys that are just a few feet from Haley.
I go over and sit down across from Haley. I look over at her, trying to keep my head down. But, I can still see the tears in her eyes. This is why I didn't tell her. I can't stand to see her cry. Even after almost 2 years, she is crying. She took it just about as hard as I did. God, I hate to see her like this. Haley is usually so strong until it comes to Lucas or Nathan. Then she falls to pieces.
"I'm so sorry Haley. I should have told you." I say guiltily. Tears are forming in my eyes now. But I have to push them back. I can't let Wyatt see me cry.
Peyton walks over to Wyatt. "Come on bud. Let's let your Mom and Aunt Haley talk." She walks into the back room. I hear the door shut and then I look up at Haley who is freely crying now.
"Brooke, you shouldn't be sorry. It's... it's just hard." she says wiping away her tears.
"No, I should have told you. Your his Aunt. You should have been there. I just couldn't get over the pain." I say, tears slowly streaming down my face now. "I wanted to tell you Haley I swear."
Haley is sitting next to me now, her arms wrapped around me. No. This isn't right. This is how Peyton used to hug me up until a week ago when I would have my nightly cries. I cant be like this. I need to be stronger.
I pull away from Haley. "I'm sorry Haley. I can't be in this position again when I just got out of it. I have been crying just about every night since he died and that's how Peyton would hug me until I stopped. It's been a week since I've been in that position and I don't want to go back to it." I say trying not to hurt her feelings. Besides, she shouldn't be comforting me. She lost her brother.
Haley nods. "Who else knows?" she asks after a few minutes have passed.
"Well, Peyton, Jake, Jenny, my parents, and you." I say quietly. "We were going to tell you Haley."
"He knew?" she asks gently. I just nod my head.
"Broody, we need to talk." I said as entered his bedroom.
"I know." he said simply. The look on his faced begged to differ. He looked scared.
"I'm sorry." I said flatly. He came up and pulled me into a hug. He kissed the top of my head.
"It'll be okay Brooke."
"How did you know?" I asked quietly.
"I found your purse." he said.
"What?" I asked as I pulled out of the hug.
"Your purse with the pregnancy test in it. That was your purse right?" He worried.
" Why would I take a pregnancy test to a wedding?" I said confused.
"So, who's purse was-" he began to say.
"Does it honestly matter right now?" I said pulling him close to me again.
"No, it doesn't." he said as he wrapped his arms around me tight.
We stayed like that for a while. When we finally pulled out of the hug I showed him the ultrasound I had already had. He had gone from so scared to so happy in an instant.
"Are you scared Brooke?" he asked after staring at the ultrasound.
"Terrified. You?" I asked, taking the ultra sound from him and going over to his mirror where I tucked it in the corner.
" Same. Is it wrong for me to be a little excited about this?" he said smiling.
"Of course not." I said going back to him and sitting in his lap. "God, how are we going to tell your mom?"
"Well, we can just wait and see if she notices the ultrasound in my mirror." he said with a laugh.
"Oh no. Your mom is not going to find out like that." I said as I grabbed the ultrasound from the mirror and handed it to him.
"We'll tell her when your ready." he said taking the ultrasound.
"How 'bout next week after the game?" I said lying down on the bed.
"Perfect." he said as he began to lay down next to me. But, with in a second I was up and rushing towards the bathroom.
"We were going to tell everyone after the game." I say wiping away the tears. Haley just nods, processing everything.
Then Nathan and Jake walk in.
"What's going on?" Nathan asks, looking at his wife who is still crying a little.
"I'm just gonna..." Jake says as he slips down the hall.
"Well, Brooke has just informed me that..." Haley tries to say. It's too hard. I know it is. I couldn't even say that I was pregnant until I was 5 months.
"That I... Luke and I..." I try to say. There really wasn't a great way to say this. No right way. Then, as if on cue, Wyatt comes walking out of the back bedroom.
"Mama..." he says begging to be picked up. I pick him up and he holds on to me for dear life.
"Dear god. It's like a mini Luke." Nathan says simply staring at Wyatt.
"Nathan, meet your nephew." I say gently, walking over to him. "It's okay baby. He's not going to hurt you." I say to Wyatt.
Nathan smiles at Wyatt, obviously taking this much better than Haley did. "Hey there bud." Nathan says as he tries to tickle Wyatt underneath his neck. Wyatt giggles,smiling his dimpled smile now Wyatt begs for Nathan to take him, and Nathan has no objection. He goes with Wyatt over to Haley whose tears have now dried. They look so happy. All three of them. I would give so much to have that with Luke.
Today was just too much to take. It was hard to avoid the topic of Luke. Of course it was. He was what brought us all together in the first place. Ya know, I honestly thought that I was finally moving on. Moving past the pain. And I kept telling Peyton and Jake all week that I was getting better. But, truth be told, it ended today.
I had been so happy remembering all these moments I had with Luke. But soon after that, I was back from my one week stay on Memory Lane. Back to Reality Road which was where I lived, and where all the hurt was. It hit me tonight that I wouldn't have anymore happy moments with Luke. I wouldn't have any moments with Luke. That he wasn't there when Wyatt was born. A day that should have been one of our happiest. And with Luke, I knew everything would be okay in the end. But Luke isn't here now. Now I have no guarantee. Not the certainty I had when I was with Luke.
"Okay, since he is down I'm going to shower and try and get some sleep." I said as I shut the door to Wyatt's room.
It had taken Jake, Peyton and I 5 hours to finally get Wyatt to sleep. He had an ear infection and it was killing him. I had gotten into the shower and began shaving. I started thinking about Luke and I realized something. It would be one year next week. One year since Luke died. I snapped out of my realization when I cut myself shaving.
"Shit." I said as I dropped my razor, squeezing my leg, trying to get the pain to stop. When it finally did, 5 minutes later, the pain that Luke brought me was back. I wanted the pain from my cut to come back more than anything. Anything to take away the heartache I felt. So, I sat down in the tub, grabbed my razor and sliced myself on my thigh where I knew no one could see.
And here I am. In the same position I was almost 2 years ago, crying.
Because I keep doing this to myself.
Because Lucas is gone.
Because there are so many people I should have told that I was pregnant.
Because I jipped Nathan and Haley out of their nephew's first year of life.
Because Karen doesn't even know she has a grandson from the son she lost.
Because my parents don't care.
Because I feel like my parents when I do this. Selfish.
Because I could have had another baby with Lucas had I said 'No' to my parents when they took me to get an abortion.