Disclaimer: Honestly, if we owned it, do you really think we'd bewarping the characters, habits, preferences, actions,and personalities of our own characters? And would we really be on a fan fiction site? Some food for thought for you.
A/N: Hola, Bonjour, and Howdy y'all! "Finally," you say, "M & E have written!" Yes, yes, yes, yes indeed lovely reader-type peoples. The latest installment of the mischief has been completed. We deeply apologize for the wait and humbly ask that you forgive us. We've been a bit busy. Some side notes to our reviewers:
Henrietta-Black van der Snape - why thank ya:)
YouGotPhoned - haha...danke! oh, and it's ok, mixing in a lil LOTR never hurt anyone...
ash vault rose garden - we don't seriously listen to that music, we just find it humorous. thanks for the other reviews, we especially liked the remark about family jewels and packed fudge ...and don't worry, we won't explain the "ferret senses"...
tom - heh...mooch-ass grassy-ass!
margaux! - elizarita's beautiful lesbian lover! ...not really though...anyway, sorry about the cliffy, hon...it's been taken care of.
Draco-Slash-Lover - thankee! your stuffles are pretty brill too :D and yes, draco is latin for serpent or dragon
Sally - 2 reviews? oh em gee liek whoa! we are not worthy! grovelgrovel
theKRITIC - onsense? i think we got a new shipment in last thursday...andwe think every girl (and, secretly, boy) with any sense wishes to Accio a Draco ;)
Davy - glad you enjoyed it! a Portuguese man-bag toter? sounds intriguing!
elena the great (times ten) - heehee! backin' thangs up is fun
Zoe - you are freaking cool beyond words.
Mia - love you!
Tina's Ham - boot up the bum...laughed a lot at that one! thanks so much :)
Avery and Jessica - thanks...and we're glad you two are so...adamant...about your couple choices. sadly, harry is taken and ron is confused...but it's ok to be hopeful...and avery, seansnoggers is a pretty good name too! how could we have left that out?
Riley - teehee! thanks, we try to be funny...glad it works out!
Sazzy - aye cap'n! meds away! ...no, actually, the sad thing is that we're like this on our own :P
Soldierx - in the words of Draco, merci beaucoup...tu es tres sympatique. :)
jessahca - glad you're enjoying it!
limeony spiggot - teehee! domo arigato!
anywho...enjoy chapter seven, loves!
Kisses and hugs!
Michi and Elizarita
Harry Potter and the 'Magical' Muffin Mischief
Chapter 7: The Battle of the Sex Gods
Molly Weasley hummed to herself whilst bustling about the Weasley kitchen, for that is what Mrs. Weasley does best. She switched on the Wizarding Wireless with a flick of her wand, poured herself a 'magical' cup of tea and settled down to watch her soaps. She sipped her tea, sighing happily as the commercials came on. The first advertised some nasty cherry-flavored wart removal gel or something uncouth of that sort, and the second promoted 'Magical' Mickel's Ferret Supply Store ("For All of Your Ferret-y Needs").
Mrs. Weasley absently picked at her knitting during both of these, but the next advertisement caught her attention. "Hogsmeade Residents and Hogwarts Students try NEW 'Magically' Musical Butterbeer!" the announcer decreed obnoxiously. Mrs. Weasley looked up interestedly to see a fit Italian boy belly dancing, Professor McGonagall and Hermione grooving in rather inappropriate ways, and her very own Ronniekins singing along quite in tune with "Sweet Transvestite."
Mrs. Weasley opened her large motherly handbag (not to be confused with the überly sexy man-bag) and began to dig around in it, muttering, "I knew it, I just KNEW what would happen if I let Arthur take him to that abysmal show." She pulled out her personalized Howler paper and reached over to turn off the Wireless, yet her finger withdrew when she saw a(n unusually) well-dressed, familiar, green-eyed brunette take the screen. "Oh Harry darling…if only my son took after you…such a sweet boy," Mrs. Weasley sighed, beaming with mother-like delight. She enjoyed taking Harry into her home and felt privileged that he looked to her as a sort of mother figure. She watched him twist off the Butterbeer cap and gasped in shock as a figure came out of the bottle. As the figure turned to face the camera, Mrs. Weasley gasped aloud again and fainted.
((A/N: We considered ending this chapter here (teehee), but decided that would be awfully rude and downright torturous. We love you guys too much.))
Harry blinked slowly and sat up. He groped along the ground for his glasses, found them, and put them back on. He looked up and jumped back in surprise to see a pair of gorgeous eyes, rimmed in charcoal eyeliner, sparkling back at him. "No," Harry whispered. "It can't be…"
The figure grinned at Harry and replied, "Sorry for startling you. I'm --"
"Brandon Flowers!" Harry interjected. "One of my eyeliner-inspiration gods!" He proceeded to giggle and to squeal incoherently like a dithering schoolgirl. Brandon patted him on the head reassuringly and helped him to his feet.
Suddenly, another figure peeked out from behind Brandon. "Hey Harry!" he exclaimed.
Harry gasped obnoxiously. "Oh. Em. Gee. My other eyeliner-inspiration god!" Harry leapt upon the figure and cried, in a very high-pitched, squeaky voice, "BILLY JOE! I'M YOUR NUMBER ONE FAN! EEE!"
Billy Joe Armstrong patted Harry on the back awkwardly and muttered, "Um, you're cutting off circulation to the lower half of my body."
"Oh, sorry. Just got a bit carried away, you know," Harry said softly. He let go of Billy Joe and blushed as prettily as a pansy in direct moonlight on Midsummer's Eve.
At this moment Lavender Brown and Pavarti Patil showed up and screeched, "OH EM GEE! THE THREE EYELINER GODS! TREWLANY WAS RIGHT! CAN WE HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH AND/OR PHOTO!"
Billy Joe and Brandon, who were used to this type of attention, thought nothing of it and proceeded to strike their amazingly gorgeous poses. Harry, however, fainted in shock and had to be hoisted up by the two singers. Even with the unconscious Harry, it was still a drop-dead stunning photo, since drool is undeniably in this season. One which, it is needless to say, would of course be bought and placed in a full poster layout in Witch Weekly.
When Harry came to, Billy Joe had disappeared in an amazingly sexy cloud of black smoke with red glittery sparkles. Brandon, however, remained and helped young Harry to his feet once again. "Harry," he sing-songed, "I have a song just for you." Harry blinked expectantly as Brandon pulled a microphone out of his pocket. Music filled the air as Brandon's gorgeous voice rang out over the crowd. He sang:
On the pitch I remember you were incredible,
Catch that snitch, catch that snitch, yeah.
On the pitch I remember you were incredible,
Catch that snitch, catch that snitch, yeah.
Harry and his scar,
And pretty green eyes, like limes.
Harry and his scar,
He's defeated Voldy several times.
Harry and his scar,
He sleeps in a bed of grime.
Harry and his scar,
The world rests on his shoulders, so fine.
Harry and his scar,
And somebody says "he's mine…"
With that, The Wonderful Brandon poofed away 'magically' in a 'magical' cloud of grayish smoke with yellow glitter. Harry stood there for a long moment gazing reverently at the spot. After several moments, he managed to whisper, "I-I met B-brandon Flowers."
"No, really, you must be joking," Blaise teased, patting Harry lightly on the arm.
Harry, not catching Blaise's mild sarcasm, indignantly cried, "Noooo, I swear! I'm serious, Blaise!"
"No, I'm Sirius!" a deep voice behind Harry said. Harry looked around to see his beloved godfather smiling at him fondly.
"S-s-sirius!" Harry exclaimed happily, several tears leaking from the corners of his eyes as he flung himself onto Sirius.
Sirius laughed happily in a barking sort of way and hugged Harry tightly until they were interrupted by a chorus of deep, yet strangely feminine voices. "Come on already, now that we're out from behind that bloody curtain, let's go do something!"
Harry peered over Sirius's shoulder curiously to see a line of five attractive, well-dressed young men tapping their feet impatiently. Two glared at the embracing Harry and Sirius, one filed his nails and sighed, one snatched after a passing butterfly, and the last was licking his lips and staring appreciatively at the seat of Blaise's well fitting trousers.
"Who are your friends?" Harry asked as he parted from his godfather.
"Um, well, you see…"
Blaise impatiently tugged on Harry's hand and said, "Come, darling, Honeydukes awaits us." And with that the happy couple skipped along the road, Blaise desperately trying to capture Harry's hand (and maybe… lips?) with his own. It turns out that Harry is as slippery as butter (Literally! All those nights of grime and crust 'magically' slipperified his skin…) so, as such, he was very hard to…grasp. Blaise finally stopped his unsuccessful attempts and devised a new plan to get some action.
Harry and Blaise strolled out of Honeydukes with two pounds of Bertie Bott's "Romantically" Flavored Beans. They were, of course, being trailed by an ever-suspicious Draco.
"Harry, would you like a bean?"
"Would I ever!"
Blaise grinned and finally put his plan into action by placing a bean in his mouth. He then surreptitiously leaned over and placed his lips upon Harry's, passing the bean into Harry's mouth using his tongue.
((A/N: "Finally!" you say, "some boy on boy action!" Tee hee.))
"I only wanted the bean, not your tongue. Geez!" Harry stated in a very Kip-Dynamite-ish way. Blaise only grinned and Harry shifted uneasily. They walked in silence for a couple of minutes until Harry shoved a handful of the delectable morsels into his mouth and Blaise once again leaned into Harry's mouth. This time, however, he took one of the candies from Harry.
"If you had wanted a bean you should have just asked me!" Harry cried, thoroughly confused at Blaise's ways of eating. It must be an Italian thing.
At this moment an infuriated Draco Malfoy sprinted up and forcefully yanked the two boys apart whilst saying things like "Stop! STOP! That is atrocious behavior and I won't have it!" and "Harry, what did you think you were doing, going out with him?" and one comment, said very softly to himself: "But Harry is… mine."
He pulled himself together and said, "Blaise, I think I need to have a talk with your date, if you don't mind, though I'm sure you do."
Blaise's eyes twinkled mischievously, and he nodded his head curtly and left.
Draco focused his attention back at Harry who was…Wait, is he…crying?
"Harry? Harry, are you crying? What's wrong?"
Harry wiped his overflowing eyes and said, "You…you called me…Harry."
Draco froze and ran over his thoughts, which were currently flying in every direction like hummingbirds on acid. He had, indeed, called him "Harry" four times. Harry's voice interrupted his thoughts as he said, "Don't be mad at Blaise, please, it was only an Italian thing. I didn't know that his eating habits would upset you oh so much."
Draco pulled Harry into an awkward one-armed hug, said, "There, there, love, I'm not that mad at Blaise," wiped Harry's eyes, and scampered off like the skittish lil' ferret he is.
((A/N M: Geez, that was sappy. Oh well, I LURVF it anyway (and I know you secretly did too)! ))
Harry stood still for several minutes, as though rooted to the spot. When at last Harry got his shoes unstuck from the gum that he was standing in, he ran all the way back to the castle and hid in his "perfect" hiding place. However, he was rather dismayed when Ron drew back the curtains on his four-poster and told him to come down for dinner.
"How—what—how the bloody hell did you find me?" Harry spluttered in a very (well, at least to Ron) sexy way.
"Dear, you always hide in your bed, just like you always stash your mags between your mattresses," Ron said soothingly as he drew out several issues of Elle Girl and Vogue from Harry's bed.
"Hush! Put those away this instant!" Harry hissed. He grabbed said magazines from Ron's rather greasy, grubby hands and stuffed them roughly under his pillow, silently thanking Merlin that Ron had not discovered the latest issue of Cosmopolitan that was lurking under his mattress. Ron tugged on his arm expectantly until Harry finally acquiesced. "Fine," he sighed heavily, "I'll go down to dinner. I have to be incognito though, ok?"
"Right-o! Here, wear this!" Ron shouted enthusiastically whilst he tossed some chain mail, a white tunic, a shield, and a sword and sheath at his friend. Harry fiercely scrutinized (with a raised eyebrow and pursed lips) the unfamiliar togs for a moment before donning them and charging out of the room. He swiped at random tapestries, stabbed arbitrary paintings, and made a swing at Mrs. Norris before Ron placed a hand on his shoulder and soothed, "Calm down, calm down. No need to get all worked up. Let's go down calmly."
"Right, right. Sorry, sorry 'bout that," Harry apologized to a potted plant that he had savagely brutalized. They walked down to the Great Hall and paused outside the doors.
"Hurry, Harry! Or else we might not get any mashed p's!"
"No! No, Ron, I must enter um…well…what was that word?"
"Dramatically, sir?"
"Yes! That's it! I must enter dramatically!"
And with that Harry grabbed a conveniently placed near-by vine, moon-walked backwards, and ran full force at the door, kicking it open and swinging inside as a hush fell over the crowd. ((A/N M: Hush…)) Harry swung towards the teachers' table, then swung backwards towards the door like an overlarge, oddly shaped pendulum. Everyone stared at him quizzically until he came to a slow stop and spun wobblingly in place.
"Er, right," Harry mumbled, blushing profusely. "Um, could someone give me a push?" Everyone looked at one another, shrugged, and continued about their business. Harry muttered, "Right then. Fine," and dropped off the vine onto some second year Hufflepuff girls, who squealed and grabbed at his clothes. At this point, Ron came to his rescue by prying young Harry away and carrying him off (rather forcefully) to the Gryffindor table.
Harry pushed his food glumly around his plate. He looked across the Hall to see two pairs of eyes fixed firmly upon him, lust emanating from the violet set and a mixed, hard to place emotion coming from the silver pair. Harry assumed that it was anger, or contempt, and he bowed his head glumly.
Across the Hall, Draco sighed despondently. He was slightly disappointed that he had not been the first to kiss Harry, and he was also upset to see Harry upset. In addition, he was wondering why he was feeling so possessive of and attracted to his former archrival, but he surmised that perhaps he had been interpreting his feelings incorrectly. For Harry was handsome, fit, kind, caring, cutely naïve, humorous, intelligent, brave, loyal, strong, seductive, and, overall, totally fuc—
"He's über sexy and totally hawt, isn't he, Drake-cake?" a low voice purred in Draco's ear, interrupting his reverie. Blaise nudged Draco with his elbow and winked. "I want him for me…although I wouldn't mind sharing with you, love. You're fairly scrumptious yourself." Blaise licked his lips and appreciatively looked Draco up and down.
Draco scowled at Blaise and crossed his arms firmly over his chest. "No, no, NO!" he whispered harshly. "You are absolutely despicable. I can't believe what you did to Harry, and, worst of all, he still believes that you were only trying to share jellybeans. He's convinced himself that it's just some 'Italian Thing,'" Draco huffed.
"What's an Italian thing? Being utterly irresistible and charming?" Blaise laughed. Draco elbowed him hard in the ribs. "Ow, oh, okay. That. Come on, Drakey-pie, I couldn't resist." Blaise leaned in close to Draco's ear and whispered, "He's quite the tasty treat, if you wanted to know." Blaise gracefully stood and exited the Hall, full of his usual sangfroid, leaving a fuming Draco at the table.
"Alright, that was too far. Zabini, THIS IS WAR!" Draco shouted, punching a fist dramatically into the air. When he realized the whole Hall was staring at him confusedly, he flashed his abs, smirked, and escaped amidst the squeals emitted from various students (and staff members).
Several hours later, a certain ticked-off Slytherin proudly held up a sheet of sparkling stationery, embossed with the initials "D.L.M." in fancy, loopy script, and crooned softly, "Yes, yes, my Italian friend. Revenge will be sweet. I'll teach you not to go after my prey." Draco opened his bedside dresser drawer, shoved his assortment of ribbons and nail polish to the side, and gently laid the scented parchment in the drawer before snapping it shut. He reached over to flick off his feathery bedside lamp and snuggled deep under his plush, silk lined down comforter. Tomorrow is a big day…I'll need all the sleep I can get.
Draco awoke early with a grin on his face, stretched cat-like, and basked in the glorious morning rays. He pulled off his sparkly eye-mask, snatched his Hello Kitty shower cap ((A/N M: In case you were wondering why he has all this Hello Kitty merchandise, it's because he is a spokesperson for them)) off of his sink counter, and turned on his shower. After a relaxing half-hour underneath his rainforest showerhead, Blondie dressed in a pair of his very best (read: tightest) jeans and pulled on a shrunken, light blue polo and matching sky-blue Converses.
Exactly 23.65 minutes later, when Draco had finished styling his hair and primping (not to mention examining his shapely tush in the mirror), he snuck down to the prefect's bathroom and expertly concealed himself behind a large, potted fern. Several minutes later, Blaise strolled in, wearing only purple silk pajama bottoms and carrying a fluffy towel over his shoulder. Draco grinned and pulled out his sparkly stationary. Step one read: Sabotage the hair. As Blaise leaned towards the mirror over the sink and ran his fingers through his hair, Draco waved his wand and whispered, "Muto Caesariem Ostrinam."
Blaise was nonchalantly humming to himself as he ran his fingers through his hair in the mirror. Suddenly, he felt a slight breeze run through his stylish locks, almost as though he had been hit by a whispered charm. He turned around suspiciously and looked about the room, but saw no one. Blaise shrugged and once again faced the mirror, only to find that his beautiful hair had been altered: he now had several shades of purple streaks accenting his dark hair. He gasped loudly. "OH EM GEEEEE!"
Draco sniggered smugly to himself in his suspiciously secluded spot. "What will you do now, dear Blaise?" he soliloquized. "No color goes with purple besides purple! And what real man has that much purple clothing? BWAHAHAHA--" His laughing was cut short, however, as Blaise shrieked in delight and danced happily about ((A/N M: pronounced a-bootin a circle.
"It's even more gorgeous than ever! And I brought my purple shirt with black pinstripes to wear anyway! Magnifico!"
"Damn," Draco muttered darkly and scurried away to brood on step two.
Several minutes later, as Draco hid underneath a standard Slytherin dorm bed, a pair of fine Italian loafers sauntered into the room and paused in front of a dresser. Draco peeked out from his hiding place to see Blaise preening in front of the mirror – again. Draco sighed and read step two on his list: Darken his brilliant smile. Draco smirked, aimed his wand carefully, and whispered, "Fusco dentes." Unfortunately for Draco, the spell ricocheted off the mirror at a different angle than what he had calculated ((A/N E: clearlyDraco forgot to study the law of reflection)) and hit Blaise on the cheek. From there, a warm, sun-browned glow spread over the Italian boy's already golden skin, making him look even more like a tan god of the Mediterranean sun.
Blaise quirked an eyebrow interestedly at this new change, shrugged, and sighed happily, "Ah, perfecto, fate smiles upon me today. I'm getting more splendiferous by the minute."
Draco bit his lip to keep himself from crying out in frustration. Damn, damn, damn it all to bloody hell! He continued to curse inwardly for several minutes, then composed himself and sighed. Well, I guess I'll just have to make him pale, then. Ah, that shan't be too difficult. Draco readied his wand once more and muttered, "Fulgeo cutem."
However, Draco is, indeed, quite blonde, so he forgot that his spells were bouncing off of the mirror at different angles. This spell conveniently hit Blaise's smile as he was grinning broadly at his reflection, so the bright jet struck his already shiny teeth. His pearly whites became almost incandescent and seemed to glow with a radiance to rival the great solar orb itself. Blaise chuckled happily and purred, "If I get any more beautiful, half the school may faint from the aesthetic overload on their eyes." Blaise spritzed some cologne on his wrists, took one last look in the mirror, and strode happily out of the room.
Draco crawled out from under the bed and cursed violently. He kicked several rugs and chairs and thoroughly beat Crabbe's favorite pillow. Then he stopped, smoothed down his hair, straightened out his shirt, and walked composedly out of the room. Several minutes later, upon entering the Great Hall, he spotted his victim casually sprinkling sugar on half of a grapefruit. Over half of the students were staring at him in awe, and he smirked smugly to himself at this attention.
Draco smiled slyly like a crocodile that has just caught sight of a rather plump flamingo. Let him enjoy the attention for a brief moment, it will be returned to me shortly. He sat down near the end of the table and discreetly withdrew his master plan for the day. Step three read: Humiliate him with sparkles. Draco grinned gleefully and giggled, "Maybe I'll get some in his eyes…serves him right…" He discreetly pointed his wand at the laughing Italian boy and whispered, "Scintille." However, at this moment, Blaise blinked and the iridescent sparkles landed neatly on the rim of his eyelids. Draco cursed. Today was definitely not his lucky day. Over the course of breakfast, he cast several more spells, which only resulted in making Blaise even more and more bello. Slightly put out, he gulped down the last of his Lucky Charms and set off for the library to find some more spells before class.
"Well hello there, my green-eyed LUUUUURVE god," a voice sensuously purred in Harry's right ear as he exited the Great Hall.
Harry jumped several inches, startled by the low voice and warm tickle of breath on his earlobe. He turned to find Blaise smiling slyly at him, looking more gorgeous than ever before. "Er, uh, h-h-hi B-blaise," Harry squeaked. "Um, um, you look, well, er, different somehow…" Harry stared at his shoes and shuffled them nervously on the floor. At length, he straightened up and asked curiously, "Did you acquire a hair-chop? Or get in a fight with a purple lawnmower and lose?"
Blaise laughed softly and put an arm around Harry in what he obviously thought was a comforting gesture. "No, you diabolical fool! I mean – you always were a funny one, Hare-bear. Tell me, honestly, love, this naivety thing…is it really just an act?"
"Wot?" Harry asked puzzledly.
Blaise's smile faded slightly. "Um," he muttered. He stared off into space doubtfully for a moment until Harry began to squirm slightly away from Blaise's arm. Blaise chuckled softly. "Really now, you'll kiss me but flinch away when I put my arm around your shoulder? You so silly ((A/N: pronounced "see-lee"))." Blaise grinned and drew Harry into a tight hug.
Harry shoved himself away and shot Blaise a puzzled look. "Kissed you?" he asked. "What? I don't kiss on the first date…you must be mistaking me for someone else, or something. I never kissed you." Blaise covered his face with his hand in despair. Harry mistook this gesture as confusion and patted Blaise gently on the rump. "There, there," he soothed, "it's ok, Ol' Bushy Hair recently explained this to me. You see, those things that happen while you sleep don't really happen in real life. She says they're called dreams, and I know how you must feel. I mean, for the longest time, I thought that my nighttime escapades of fighting crime in fluorescent spandex panties were real. It's quite an understandable misunderstanding."
Blaise stared incredulously at the bespectacled object of his affection. At length, he laughed and threw up his hands in a "whatever" sort of gesture. Noticing that Harry was still comfortingly patting his rear, he smirked and asked, "You like that, then?" Harry blushed and withdrew his hand. Blaise captured Harry by the wrists and pinned him up against the corridor wall. He brought his lips close to Harry's and whispered lustily, "So, I haven't kissed you, eh? Well, my elusive, scrumptious, slightly ignorant treat, does that make this a dream?" With that, Blaise closed the distance between his lips and Potter's.
Harry's eyes opened wide with shock. Startled, he attempted to wriggle away from the Italian Stallion. When Harry's plan of doing an impression of a wiggle worm with indigestion finally paid off, he ducked down and scurried between Blaise's legs to get away from the wall. Blaise grinned and advanced upon the green-eyed boy, but young Harold, not wanting to be fooled again, crossed his arms protectively over his face.
"I thought it was just an Italian Thing!" he wailed in dismay. "I thought you just wanted a bean!" Harry suddenly threw his arms away from his face, stood akimbo, and glared at Blaise like a toddler who has been told that it's time for bed. "Just because you're sexy and you have a gorgeous-o tan and suddenly grow more spectacular by the minute gives you no right to up and kiss me like that!" Harry turned with a gasped, "Oh my geez!" and ran down the corridor towards his next class.
Blaise scratched his head puzzledly and shrugged. "Ah, well," he said with a sigh, "I can still snatch him back." Blaise pumped a fist triumphantly in the air and exclaimed, "The chase begins!"
Draco, being the sneaky little ferret that he is, had watched this entire scene with interest from behind a near-by tapestry. As both brunette teens exited the corridor, Draco tapped his forehead thoughtfully with a slender forefinger. "Hmm," he muttered, "so Harry likes tans then? This may prove useful…" With this, a thoughtful Draco ambled to class, striding proudly as though he had just won the Miss – er – Mister Hawaiian Tropics Pageant.
A/N: again, we are truly, truly sorry about the extra long wait. we love you guys oh so much! sadly, however, chapter 8 may take a while, for we are very busy with swimming this summer...but we have it all planned out! until next times, lovelies!
oh, and the latin...
Muto Caesariem Ostrinam literally means "(I) change hair purple."
Fusco dentes -- "(I) darken teeth."
Fulgeo cutem -- "(I) lighten skin."
Scintille -- "(You) sparkle!" (command form, understood subject...not like they reallyregularly usedpersonal pronouns in latin anyway...)
TA TA FOR NOW, notre beaux amis! Ciao bella!