The next several days passed slowly for Hakkai. First was Sanzo's wake, and then his funeral, with Kouryuu saying the Sutras. Kouryuu's voice wasn't as fine or as commanding as Sanzo's had been, but it was a good voice, strong and caring, a true believer in the Gods and their power, wisdom and charity. A small part of Hakkai wished he could believe in the omnipotence of the Gods as Kouryuu did, but he knew better. Next was Sanzo's cremation, and finally Kouryuu's official appointment as Sanzo. Hakkai moved through it all with little conscious thought. A final important part of his life was gone and he didn't really care what happened next. Hakkai ate only when Kouryuu reminded him to and slept much of the time he wasn't needed. His sleep was often interrupted by nightmares of the past.

Day after day, Kouryuu kept an eye on Hakkai's behavior, constantly trying to keep him occupied with the duties of the living. Finally, in an attempt to rouse Hakkai out of his apathy, on the fifth day after Sanzo's passing as they were eating dinner, Kouryuu said to him, "Master Hakkai, I need help going through Master Sanzo's personal belongings. He has a large trunk of mementos that I know he would have wanted you to keep and I would love to hear the story behind each item as we sort them out. He never really spoke much about your journeys."

"No, I'm sure he didn't," Hakkai said softly, almost to himself. "We both lost much during that time and we hardly ever spoke of it, even between ourselves. I believe I would like to tell you some of the stories, but I must warn you, there was nothing glamorous or glorious about our travels. What we did would seem overly brutal to many, but we did what we had to in order to survive and to complete the mission. When would you like to get started?"

"How about tomorrow morning," Kouryuu asked. "The Three Aspects have a mission for me in a few days and until then I have free time."

"Alright," Hakkai agreed, as he smiled his first smile in several days. "Sanzo was very fond of you, you know. Not that he would have ever told you, I'm sure."

"No, he never did, at least not in those exact words," Kouryuu said, "but I knew and he did always tell me I annoyed him the least of anyone he had ever known."

"High praise," Hakkai said with a chuckle, "since everyone annoyed Sanzo. I will be pleased to help you tomorrow," Hakkai said as he stood up from the communal dining table. "However, tonight I would like to try and get a good night's sleep. Good night Kouryuu, and to you too, gentlemen," Hakkai said to the monks that had been sitting close to them.

Since Sanzo's death Hakkai had been sleeping in Sanzo's room. It didn't bother him that Sanzo had died there; it just gave him the feeling of still being connected to his friend. A portion of Sanzo's ashes rested on the writing desk, waiting for the journey to their final resting place, the small altar in Hakkai's living room.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, dressed only in a pair of gray sweat pants and a long-sleeved black t-shirt, Hakkai reached under the pillow for the one keepsake of Sanzo's that he had known would be there. Up to the very end Sanzo had continued to sleep with his gun under his pillow.

For the fifth night in a row Hakkai took the gun out and held it in his hands. It would be so easy, he thought to himself, to just pull the trigger, to end it all, to be with his friends once again. Being alone hurt so much, more than he could remember, more than he thought he could bear. Only the responsibility of being there for Sanzo had kept him from doing it earlier, but with the funeral over and Kouryuu's appointment complete, the lure to end his life was increasingly stronger. 'So easy, so easy, so easy,' the little voice kept whispering in his head. Hakkai spun the cylinder of the gun. The clicks it made as it spun around were oddly soothing. Click, click, click. Mesmerized by the spinning, Hakkai brought the gun barrel up to his face, 'All the better to see it', he told himself. The gun fit so easily in his hand, the trigger was so responsive, it wouldn't take much to pull it, to end it all, to finally rest and be rid of all the pain he didn't want to feel any more. 'Just a little more,' he thought as he caressed the trigger, 'so close, just a little more, just a breath away.' Closing his eyes, Hakkai evened out his breathing. 'I'm ready," he thought, gently easing the trigger back.

Unbidden and unwanted, the image of Sanzo's final request rushed into his head. "Be there for Kouryuu," Sanzo had asked. "No," Hakkai moaned out loud, "I can't. I'm not strong enough to do this alone. I don't want the responsibility of another person."

"You promised, Hakkai," Sanzo's voice reminded him. "You promised," it hissed, weaving its way through Hakkai's mind.

The moment was broken. Slowly Hakkai lowered the gun to rest it in his lap. He was so tired, tired in both body and spirit, but he would keep his promise to Sanzo, just as Sanzo had known he would.

"Damn you, Sanzo, for making me promise to watch over Kouryuu. I will do it, as you knew I would."

Hakkai lay down on the bed, sliding the gun back under the pillow. The gun would be the first story he shared with Kouryuu in the morning, and then he would pass it on to him.

For the first time in days, sleep swiftly overtook Hakkai and he spent a dreamless night.

In the morning Hakkai woke refreshed. He dressed quickly and ate breakfast alone in the room. As he was finishing his second cup of coffee, there was a knock at the door.

"Master Hakkai, are you awake?" Kouryuu asked.

Opening the door, Hakkai couldn't help but smile at the young man in front of him. In his arms was a large wooden box. "Come on in," Hakkai told him. Hakkai took the box from Kouryu and sitting down on the bed he placed the box on the floor between his feet. Kouryuu sat down next to him.

Reaching under the pillow, Hakkai removed the revolver and passed it over to Kouryu. "I think that Sanzo would have liked you to have this. If you are going out on missions for the Three Aspects, you might have need for it. This gun is a banishing gun. When Sanzo first went out to retrieve the Seiten Sutra from the youkai that had stolen it and killed his Master Koumyou, Sanzo had the choice of any weapon he wanted from the weapons room at Kinzan Temple. He chose this gun. Not because it was a banishing gun, but because it fit in his hand well and was small enough that if he ever had to, he could easily use it on himself. Many would say that would be an act of cowardice, I feel it was a testament to Sanzo's stubbornness, his unwillingness to bow to anyone else's will."

Kouryuu turned the gun over in his hands, looking at it carefully. "I hope that I never have need for such a weapon, but if I learned anything from accompanying Master Sanzo on his missions, it was you should always be prepared for anything. Thank you." The gun then disappeared into Kouryuu's robes, just as it had once disappeared into Sanzo's.

With a sigh of relief, and glad to have that over with, Hakkai smiled as he now turned his attention over to the wooden box between his legs. "Well, now, let's see what things Sanzo kept. I must say, I'm curious to know what mementos are in here."

Bending over, Hakkai lifted the lid and peered inside. On the top was a package of Hi-Lite cigarettes. Hakkai brought them out with a quizzical look on his face.

"For as long as I can remember," Kouryuu explained, " on the 9th of November, Master Sanzo would buy a pack of these cigarettes, then in the evening he would sit on the window sill with the window wide open and smoke two of them. All the time he would complain how lousy they tasted, how only a red-headed cockroach could possibly enjoy them. I once asked him why he smoked them if he disliked them so much and he said the smoke was the incense he lit in order to remember an insufferable idiot. He would never explain any more than that."

Hakkai looked inside the pack. It must have been one of Gojyo's original packs, the paper wrappers inside had deteriorated until the tobacco leaves were loose and lying in the bottom. Hakkai took a sniff, but the leaves were so old and brittle, there was no scent left. For a minute Hakkai held the pack to his chest, the emotion he felt was so intense he didn't think he could continue looking through the box.

Sensing Hakkai's emotional turmoil, Kouryuu leaned over and picked up the next item on the top on the pile. "Ah," he said, "here's the lighter that must have gone with the cigarettes."

Hakkai reached over and took the lighter. It was one of Gojyo's Zippos. "You would have never believed how Sanzo and Gojyo used to fight over their lighters. I must have bought them one every single time I went shopping and they still managed to lose them or break them or run out of lighter fluid constantly. Then they would try to borrow the others' and the insults would fly and the fan would be used and then usually the loser would sulk and the winner would gloat. It didn't matter who the winner was, Sanzo or Gojyo, the two of them behaved exactly the same. They were more alike than they cared to admit. Two sides of the same coin, as a friend used to describe them. They really did act just like little children when it came to their cigarette lighters." Hakkai laid the cigarette pack and lighter on the bed. "Ok, let's see what is next."

Leaning over again, Hakkai brought out a map. Smiling, he opened it carefully. "I am amazed that this map is still in one piece after so many years. This is the first map we used when we started our journey. Here, you can see our little town." Hakkai pointed to a small, faded red circle on the map. "We got side-tracked so many times during the journey. It was easy to say, 'Head west.' but not so easy to do. There were always snow covered mountains to go over or around, deserts with their heat and sand to endure, rivers to cross and youkai attacks to fend off. Then when you throw in the scarcity of towns, it's a wonder we ever made it to our destination. Sanzo and I used to plot out our course on the map each time we got a new one, but there were countless times in the morning we simply set our sights away from the sun and rode off with it at our back."

Gently he folded the map back up and it joined the lighter and cigarette box on the bed.

"How did this get here?" Kouryuu asked as he pulled the next item out. "Only last week Master Sanzo still carried this around."

Hakkai looked at the broken paper fan that Kouryuu held in his hands.

"I can't believe Sanzo kept this. You say he carried this around until just recently?"

"Yes," Kouryuu said. "He used to take it out and hold it. Sometimes I'd swear he was squeezing it, like he was choking someone."

"More than likely he was trying to restrain himself from hitting someone with it. This fan was broken over the heads of Goku and Gojyo on the last night of our journey. We spent the night in a town close to Houtou Castle. We were all under a considerable amount of stress, of course. At dinner, Gojyo and Goku got into their normal battle over the food on the table and soon the whole restaurant was looking at us. Sanzo solved the argument by yelling and striking each of them repeatedly with the fan until it broke. For some reason this caused Gojyo to start laughing. The fan was so normal in our everyday life that it was a stress reliever and we all went up to our rooms feeling a little better about our chances the next day. I don't know about the others, but I didn't sleep at all that night. There were things I wanted to tell each of my friends, but I never did. I just kept running the conversations through my head all night, unable to get the courage up to tell them how much each of them meant to me. Then both Goku and Gojyo died the next day and the chance was gone forever. Too many things were always left unsaid between the four of us…"

"I'm sorry this is causing you so much pain Master Hakkai. Perhaps we should stop." Kouryuu said.

"No, I'm fine, really. You're right, it does hurt to remember, but it helps sharing the stories. And after feeling nothing the last several days, these emotions remind me I am alive."

With a sad smile, Hakkai reached into the box and removed the last two items.

"This Sanzo robe and the chest protector are in terrible shape and covered with blood. Are they from your final battle at Houtou Castle?" Kouryuu asked.

"No," Hakkai answered. "These are from two of our major battles, and both times we lost the first rounds. You can see the chest protector is sliced almost in half," Hakkai said, calling Kouryu's attention to the ragged slice down the front of the wooden chest plate. "This was done by The War Prince Homura's sword when he took the Maten Sutra from Sanzo. It took Sanzo days to recover from his injuries, even with my ki healing him. When Sanzo was finally well enough we proceeded to defeat Homura, but it wasn't an easy battle. We had unexpected allies to get us through some of the earlier encounters, but it was Goku who actually defeated Homura in the end. The robe is from our fight with Kami-sama. He was a young man Sanzo had met once in their youth and he was the disciple of Ukoku Sanzo, who we later found out was Nii Jen'ii. After our first defeat at Kami-sama's hands, it took Goku's wisdom to remind the rest of us to keep trying, and by working together we were finally able to defeat Kami-sama."

"That seems to be the last things," Kouryuu said, looking in the bottom of the box.

"I wonder what this small ribbon is," Hakkai said as he gave it a little tug upward. The base of the box popped up and under the false bottom rested a diary. Almost reverently Hakkai picked it up and flipped it open to the first page.

"What is it Master Hakkai?" Kouryuu asked.

"It is a journal Sanzo wrote after his return from our journeys. It opens with his arrival back to Chang'an Temple. I can't wait to start reading this."

"If you wouldn't mind, I would like to read it when you have finished."

"Of course," Hakkai said. "I know Sanzo meant a lot to you also and I am sure he would have liked you to read it too. Hmmm, this diary only covers one year. I wonder if there are others hidden in the temple."

With a smile Kouryuu said, "I guess searching for them will give us something to do when you come to visit in the future."

"That," Hakkai said, "and the fact that Sanzo said he had failed in his duty to teach you how to play mahjong. Something I will have to remedy in the near future."

"Master Hakkai," Kouryuu said hesitantly, "Just before his death Master Sanzo asked me to keep an eye on you, to make sure you were ok, but you seem more focused today than any day since his death."

"That's funny because before he died Sanzo made me promise to keep an eye on you, too. I guess he was worried about how the both of us would deal with his death. Sounds just like him too."

"Master Hakkai, the Three Aspects wants me to go on a mission for them to pick up some artifacts that had been stolen and were finally recovered. I would like to ask if you would accompany me there, and then I could drop you off in your village on the way back. This way we could discuss more about your journey."

"I would like that very much," Hakkai said with a smile, "but let's just make sure that this little road trip for the Three Aspects stays just that, a little road trip"

In all innocence, Kouryuu asked, "Why wouldn't it?"

Laughing, Hakkai looked at his watch and said, "It's lunch time. Let's go get something to eat and I will begin to tell you all about the little road trip that turned into a long, three year Journey to the West."

The End

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A/N 1: For some name spellings, Gojyo's birth date and lighter type, I used the trivia pages from The Journey to the West website. If you've never checked this website out, please go there and enjoy one of the best Saiyuki sites there is online. www dot madkukkii dot com slash Saiyuki slash Saiyuki dot html

A/N 2: I want to thank everyone who took the time to read this story. I am not usually the kind of person that reads death fics or attempted suicide ones…and here I am writing not only one but four stories dealing with the deaths of our favorite foursome. I think it is the emotions that attracted me to this idea and I hope I was able to convey them adequately through the stories. Of the four, I enjoyed writing this story the most, because in the end it holds the promise of peace for Hakkai. Also, I hope my OC, Hikaru/Kouryuu isn't an annoying one for anyone. I rather grew to like him. He was born out of the need to originally fill Sanzo's shoes as a Sanzo, but developed into the character that helped ground both Sanzo and then Hakkai. I would like to think that between Kouryuu, Hakkai's students and his duties to his village as an Elder that the last 10 years of Hakkai's life without Sanzo, while not necessarily happy, would have at least been fulfilling to him. Oh, and for anyone who might be interested, I believe that Gonou died for good when Hakkai made the choice not to kill himself, and to keep his promise to Sanzo. So here you have my little future universe for the guys, and thanks again for reading.

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