Hindsight's Curse

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The thing about life changing moments is that most of the time, you don't even realize they're happening. They sneak up on you and suddenly, you're different. Everything's different. I had one of those moments during 'That Summer.'

The first week of June was uneventful. Get up, go to the set, come home. And that was it. Marco was in Africa, Ash in London, and Alex, oddly enough, was glued to the hip with Paige. It seemed as if I were destined to spend the summer before her senior year with my mom. And that was not something I was looking forward to. And then it happened.

Craig had been all mopey and anti-everything since Ash took off. Now that he was back on his meds, he seemed to not even care if the sun came up in the morning or not. It was as if he only still existed just to finish his song. A part of me wondered what would become of him once it was wrapped. How would he survive the rest of the summer witohut the movie to distract him?

I've kept a lot of secrets in my life. But the one I've never told anyone was that Ash asked me to watch out for Craig that summer. She knew it would be hard on him, her being gone so soon after his diagnosis. So she asked me to kind of keep an eye on him and make sure he was 'dealing.' I think she just wanted me to report on what he said in group and things like that. Which might have happened if Craig had ome to group that first week after his little episode. But he didn't and things changed forever.

When Craig didn't show, I let myself assume the worst and decided to go see if he was okay. Joey answered the door, looking a little suprised that I was there. I'd only met him once, and doubted he even remembered me. But he was polite and told me that Craig was upstairs in his room, third door on the right. He didn't respond when I knocked, so I just went in, braced for the worst.

He was lying on his bed, hands behind his head, gazing blankly up at the ceiling. He made no move to show he even realized I was in the room.

"Craig?"

"I'm fine." he said slowly. "Just didn't feel like going."

I sat down in his desk chair without waiting for the invitation I knew would never come. "Okay."

He eyed me warily. "No lecture? No clever little comments about the evils of ditching group to wallow in my own misery?"

"Nope. You want to waste your time doing nothing it's your business."

He sat up then, looking at me as though he were seeing me for the first time. I could almost hear the words running through his head; "Is she for real?" as he pondered whether I was being truthful or not. "So then why are you here?"

I shrugged. "Believe it or not, I consider us to be friends. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Now tha I see you are, I'll just go." I made it all the way to the door before he stopped me.

"I'm not." he said. "Okay. Far from it."

"You want to talk about it?" I asked, not even bothering to turn around first. Because I knew he'd say yes. But he was going to have to make the first move here. Craig had too many girls making it easy for him. This would be good for him.

"Yeah." he finally answered. "I do."

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Had I known then the kind of emotional hell I was setting myself up for, I would have gone straight home from group that night. But Hindsight's twenty-twenty and all that jazz, and I went to Craig's. And I kept on going back all summer and into the next year untill he was so deeply embedded in me that I couldn't get rid of him. And believe you me, I tried.

That was one moment, one decision, that completely altered my life. And here I am, about to experience another. But it's different this time.

Because this time I can see it coming, and I intend to stop it.

I open my eyes and just I suspedted, Craig is sitting there with his closed, leaning slightly toward me. I feel an ache in my heart unlike any I've ever known, but I know that this is for the best. If we don't learn from the past, then we aren't as smart as we think we are now are we?

Instead of the kiss we were both anticipating, I let my face move to the side, brushin cheek against cheek as I seetle my chin in the crook of his neck. He jolts slightly. A hug wasn't what he was expecting, but he plays it cool as he brings his arms around my waist in a mirror of my own around him.

"Don't tell me you've become a sap on me El." he jokes and just like that the tension of the moment is shattered. In it's place is what it's always been. Just him and me with our quips and our jokes and everything but the truth.

The truth we can't face yet. We're not ready.

I don't respond to his joke. My arms still aorund him I whisper; "I get it."

"Just like I knew you would." he says, pulling back slowly, that ladykiller smile spreading across his lips. All those old feelings rush over me and I shake my head away from the trouble that comes hand in hand with being this close to Craig Manning.

I stand abruptly. "I don't know about you, but I'm beat."

"Yeah, I guess." He stands too, cleaning his garbage off my bed and pulling the covers down. It's the first time I've noticed that he actually made my bed. Will wonders never cease?

I head to the bathroom to change into my pajama bottoms and tee shirt, I realize that what I said to Craig was the truth. I'm beat. I'm worn out. Exhausted. So sick and tired of this little dance we do and everything involved in it and the drama of tonight and what it means.

I'm not over Craig. I know that now. I've pretended for way too long that it was all behind me. But the fact of the matter is that I have a boyfriend who's sweet and smart and adores me and I'm ignoring him to hang out with my high school crush and play these weird little games and pretend that the outside world isn't happening. But it is, and sooner or later we're going to have to face it. And face that pesky little truth we keep sidestepping around.

I'm just not ready to do it yet.

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A/N: The spoiler I was referring to was Sean staying with Emma. Happens late in the season, but it has been confirmed.