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Out Of The Box

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Under any other circumstances, the look on Craig's face when I shove the ticket back at him would be priceless.

Now it's just the final twist of the knife.

He honestly expected me to jump for joy and hop on the plane without a thought. Can he be any more arrogant?

"El, what's wrong?" He grabs my arm to stop me from leaving. Hard enough to leave bruises.

"What's wrong?" I laugh bitterly. "Your gigantic ego, that's what's wrong." I jerk my arm from his grasp and glare at him.

"Okay, I don't know what I did to upset you, so just tell me so I can fix it." he says. By now we're starting to draw attention from a few of the other guests, so he once again takes hold of my arm and propels me toward the stairs.

"Craig, let me go."

"No." he backs me up against the wall, placing a hand on either side of me to block me in.

"Craig."

"No."

This is getting us nowhere. Craig is the stubbornest person I've ever met. Yes, I know it's not a real word. But when dealing with a nut like Craig, it's okay to use words that aren't well, words.

"Craig, if you don't let me go right now, I'm never speaking to you again." I tell him slowly.

"You're not leaving," he says as he leans his face closer to mine, "until you tell me what I did to make you thins upset."

A deep, calming breath is in order to calm my nerves. Too bad it doesn't work. But Craig's a lot bigger than me, not to mention way stronger. I'm not getting away from him unless he's cooperative. And let's be honest here, how often does that happen?

Oh, right. Never. It's part of his annoying charm.

"Did you stop and think before you decided on that particular gift?"

Instead of an answer, which we all know is a big, fat 'no,' his mouth drops open and he says, "Ellie, it's not like I'm giving you some ugly sweater or cheap perfume here. It's you and me-on the road. Making music like we dreamed of."

"Have you always been this dense and I just never noticed? " Seriously, the boy is clueless.

"What are you talking about? Ellie, we spent a year talking about doing exactly this." he exclaims and his hands finally leave the wall.

I take my chance and head for the door. But of course, he takes hold of my hand. And there are those damn butterflies. Grr. I really hate him sometimes.

I allow him to pull me closer by my hand. "Ellie," he whispers, "please tell me why you're so upset. I thought this was what you wanted."

"I want to write Craig," I say, "I thought you knew that." I pull away, and by now I'm at the door. "I thought you knew me."

He throws his hands up in defeat. We're in plain view of the parry now and I can see Marco and Joey tossing worried glances over at us. "Then why did we make all those plans if music wasn't something you wanted?"

God, I think my heart actually just shriveled up inside my chest. I can't believe after everything that we've been through he honestly doesn't get it. Maybe he never got it. I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse.

Shaking my head sadly, I do the only thing I can. I turn back to him and tell him, "It was never about the music, Craig. Not for me."

I wonder if his jaw hurt falling on the floor like that. At least he knows now. And I can get on with my life.

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The one thing I'm proud of about tonight is that I mange to get all the way inside my room before the tears start falling. I hate crying. It's such a pathetic, girly thing to do. But it's not really something you can help when it feels like there's a piece of your soul missing.

Jeez, how lame did that sound?

But it's accurate. I've built so much up around Craig that I realize just how empty my life actually is without him. Cause we can't go back to where we were before, not after tonight. We can't take what was said, put it in some little box and just ignore it.

Speaking of boxes…

I get my box down from the top of my closet and do what I should have done a year ago-I throw it into the garbage. That feels better. I can practically feel the weight rising off me. Yeah, it was sweet. Probably the best gift I've ever gotten, but in keeping it I'll just be reminding myself of Craig and then I'll never be able to move on.

That's why I can't stay in this room another minute. I've lived here for months, but as I look around the familiar setting all I see is Craig.

Craig lounging on the floor while he watches t.v.

Craig tossing Skittles at me from behind Anne's desk chair.

Craig trying to gross me out by downloading porn on my computer only to discover there was a school wide block.

Craig curled up sound asleep in my bed.

He's everywhere. How sad is that?

I jerk my suitcase down and start throwing clothes into it. I have to be out by the end of the week and my mom wants me to come by more often. She'll love it that I'm home three days early.

The photos and books can wait. I've got everything that matters. And that box is definitely where it belongs. In the trash, in the past.

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"You are such a drama queen sometimes." Marco announces as he waltzes through my front door the next day.

"Hi, Pot. Guess that makes me Kettle." I quip.

"I'm being serious here El." Marco plops down on the couch. "Craig was really upset when you left."

"I bet." I say and sit next to him.

"Okay, you've always been a little on the cynical side, but when did you get this bitter? Craig asked you to go on tour with him!" Marco exclaims loudly. I'm suddenly very glad my mom isn't home. More so than usual.

I get up and head for the kitchen. Coffee is calling my name. "Well, he's just gonna have to find someone else to be his groupie."

"You really think that's what this is about?" Of course he followed me.

I sip the hot liquid gratefully. Marco in action can only be handled with a caffeine buffer.

"No," I tell him, "it's about Craig wanting someone tagging along to tell him how great he is and take care of him."

"El, what's this really about? I know you want to go with him or you wouldn't be so upset."

I whirl on him, my anger getting the better of me. "Of course I want to go with him, Marco! I want to go so bad it was all I could do not to grab him and drag him to the airport the second he said he wanted me to come. But if I go then I'm gonna be throwing away every shred of dignity I managed to build up while he was gone."

Marco shakes his head. "I'm so lost here." Poor boy. Straight people drama must be so hard on him. "You want to go, but you can't because you think you'll be sacrificing your dignity?"

"Craig's been here less than a week and I've already humiliated myself in class and lost my boyfriend. I have to save something." I say.

"Hang on," he waves his hands in the air to stop me, "you and Jesse broke up?"

"I think so. He called and Craig answered my phone. He wasn't that happy about it."

Marco steps over in front of me, titling my chin up to look at him and not my coffee cup. "Ellie, tell me honestly, why is this such a bad thing?"

"Marco, he never gave a single thought to what this would mean for me. I have an entire life here and he thinks I can just abandon it because he asks me to? What if I do go with him? That means leaving school, my job, my family … you." I smile at him weakly. He returns it and hugs me tightly.

"I get it," he whispers in my ear. "But you pulled a Pandora last night El. You as much as admitted your feelings to Craig. You let the monster out of the box. Either deal with him or turn him lose. But you can't put him back in."

"Have I ever told you how much I hate you when you're right?"