Part Five - Because Of Him

"Reckon he'll find a way out of here?" Rose asked, raising her voice so the Doctor would hear.

He shrugged, looking up from the computer long enough to say, "Worth a try I s'pose

Rose slid off her seat and stood behind him, watching him disinterestedly. "Whatcha doing?"

"You really want me to explain?" he asked incredulously, without looking up.

"S'pose not."

He didn't say anything and she didn't bother trying to continue the conversation. There was a palpable awkwardness between them, she could feel it. It wasn't as if they'd never had awkward moments before, it was just that this time there was another reason.

"Doctor?"

"Yeah?"

"Can we talk?" She hated the shake in her voice.

"Don't we always?" he replied flippantly, still not looking up.

"I mean, properly."

"Er... guess so. Talk away, I'm listening."

"No, you're not." She reached over and took the screwdriver out of his hand, slipping the switch off.

"Hey!" he exclaimed and lunged weakly for it.

She tucked it into the pocket of the jacket and crossed her arms across her chest. "Well, you weren't gonna listen with your head in a bunch of technical stuff, were you?"

He scowled then softened his features. Leaning against the wall beside the interface, he was mere centimetres from her, closer than they'd been since the incident.

She had to clear her throat before she could continue. "You know what I'm gonna say."

Affecting confusion he said, "Nope, not the foggiest."

"You just like making this hard, don't you?"

"Generally, yep, really do. Fun, isn't it?"

His bright grin was somewhat forced though, she could tell, but it made her heart beat fast nonetheless.

"I don't think I'd agree. But okay, to the point." Mentally she steeled herself. "We have to talk bout what happened at some stage, you know."

He frowned. "What happened?"

"Don't pretend you don't know!" she snapped, uncrossing her arms. "In the other cave!"

The grin disappeared and his body tensed. Not so casual now.

"What about it?" he said, slowly and carefully after a few seconds.

"You're acting as if nothing happened there, as if it didn't mean anything. Maybe it didn't," her heart caught in her throat, "but at least have the decency to tell me that so!"

He didn't say a thing, looking for all the world like a caged animal, as if he'd rather be anywhere else in the universe rather than here.

"You can't even say it, can you?" she whispered, wrapping her arms around her. She couldn't tear her eyes from his, his gaze seemed to penetrate her very soul, so powerful, so intense. "Say it."

Her heart thundered against her ribs and she trembled.

"Say it."

But he wouldn't, deep down, she knew he never would. Curse him, but he never would.

"We kissed, Doctor, why won't you just say it?"

He stared at her, silence stretching the seconds, the tension almost visible in the air between them.

She took a step backwards, shaking head. Tears stung her eyes and her breath caught painfully in her throat. Her chest hurt, her vision blurred.

He didn't want her.

The truth was painful, too difficult to grasp, to horrible to think of. It didn't matter what had happened between them, if he wasn't willing to accept it, then it might as well be forgotten.

A red hot blush suffused her cheeks; she spun around so he wouldn't see. Stifled sobs racked her body and she stumbled from the room.

He watched her go in silence, listening as her strangled sobs faded from hearing. He didn't move, just remained leaning where he was.

The minutes ticked slowly by, unnoticed. He wasn't aware of them, and neither could he care. Every one of his thoughts was on Rose.

Should he have said something? He had longed to, longed to tell her what he had felt when they had kissed, longed to reach out to her, take her hand and tell her that everything would be alright.

So why hadn't he?

He closed his eyes, a sigh escaping his lips as the truth overwhelmed him. He never could do what he wanted, what they both wanted. If he did, then her life would be destroyed. Death, destruction, pain - they were his constant companions, they followed him wherever he went. He couldn't subject her to what he had to suffer. She claimed to understand, but how could she?

Oh Rose. So sweet, so innocent. Everything she did, she did it for him. Everything she saw, she saw because of him. Everything she lost, she lost because of him. Responsibility was nothing new to him, but never had he been so responsible, had one person so entirely dependent on him for one reason.

He knew what that reason was. He had never told her that he knew the reason, but he had, right from the start.

That despite everything, he wanted her with him for the very same reason she stayed.