SEASONS
By: willag
A few words before I begin:
Ergh... I'd like to apologize for those who had been waiting eagerly for the next chapter to come. The wait was much longer than what I would have wished it to be. On the other hand, I didn't want to post a story that was half-assed. I worked really hard to get the emotions down right – I wanted the reader to become a part of the story, to feel the emotions, rather that just being an observer. And while I don't think I did it perfectly, I do believe I did get it down pretty well. But many times I could only get down one paragraph in a day, desperately working my way through the tedious job of discovering what felt and sounded right. There were also two weeks in which I didn't type a thing, because I had final presentation to work on for my co-op.
Anyways, to those who were waiting, I'd like to thank you for your patience. For now, here's the conclusion to Seasons!! Enjoy!
Um… just as a final note, I updated my first chapter and made a few changes. Nothing extreme. Added a few words and took out some others here and there, and then made clear separations between Hisoka and Tsuzuki's points of views (easier to read). It's not necessary to go back and read if you don't wish. Just felt like informing you guys.
WARNING 1: This story contains some shounen-ai. No likey? No readie.
WARNING 2: The shounen-ai couple of focus is TsuSoka. No likey? In the wise words of the warning above: No readie.
DISCLAIMER: I'm still hiding from Big Brother. It's bad enough they're after me for being the main ringleader behind the online black market… oh, and then smuggling aliens from Mars onto planet earth and into the U.S… but now I've really gotten a bug up their butts for attempting to breach a foreign policy process: claiming rights to a Japanese anime/manga that is not legally mine. Worst offense yet, and I'm paying for it. Basically, Yami no Matsuei is not mine. And unless you're Yoko Matsushita, it ain't yours either, so don't you go getting all high and mighty on me. As if you haven't tried the same thing or dreamed of owning it… shame, shame.
------------------
CHAPTER 2
------------------
Over the next couple of days, Hisoka kept having doubts over his decision. Not enough to ultimately change his mind, but enough to keep him thinking.
He was brought back to the cliff analogy – Tsuzuki must be affecting me if I can put our situation into an analogy – dangling off the side with Tsuzuki who didn't seem to have as sturdy of a grip. It'd be relatively easy to get a good, strong foothold, lift himself over the edge, and then help Tsuzuki onto safe ground. The black chasm below was new, unchartered, frightening territory, and there was no guarantee they'd come out whole. They might even end up more battered than before if they took the plunge together.
Yet, it was that one word that sealed his decision: together. Together, he and Tsuzuki were a forced to be reckoned. Together, they were powerful and determined, capable to overcome even the most challenging of trials. And he was confident that besides being a little worn for wear they'd come out of this ordeal even stronger and more complete than before.
And so on the routine went, questioning himself and then reaffirming his decision every day since that lunch on Wednesday. True to his promise, Tsuzuki didn't have to wait long for the response.
Saturday late afternoon found the duo at Hisoka's bungalow, just after finishing a two-day assignment earlier that afternoon. It hadn't been anything difficult or dangerous by normal shinigami standards, and definitely nothing in comparison to several other missions they'd had, but it made Hisoka wish it were one of those missions. These "locate and retrieve" assignments were simple in nature, but always ended up being extremely complex and emotional. They were, perhaps, the worst kind of job for the pair to take on… or at least for Tsuzuki.
They had been given a file on a little girl who had recently died and shown up on the Kiseki but had never come in for judgment. It was their duty to find her and make her move on.
They ended up finding her near midday in a park where her mother used to take her to play. She was an adorable little tyke and entirely way too young to understand what was going on. She said that she thought mommy forgot to pick her up from kindergarten, so came here yesterday where mommy always took her to play and waited for mommy to come. Little did she realize that earlier on in the day – when she had been in the bathroom washing her hands after finger-painting a picture – she had slipped on some water that had dripped on the ground, snapped her neck after connecting it with the side of the sink, and died immediately.
When prompted to see what she could remember, she said that when she woke she was lying on the bathroom floor with a headache and that it was past school time. Worried that her mommy couldn't find her, she decided to go to the playground where they both played after school in hopes that she could find mommy there. And so she went and stayed there until today even though mommy never showed. She knew that it probably would have been best to go home, but she couldn't. It was like the swings and the slides and the trees were calling her to stay there, and so she did. Swinging, sliding, climbing, and remembering all night long. She said that she both laughed and cried the whole time and she couldn't figure out why.
By that time in the story, Hisoka could tell that Tsuzuki was already breaking down but was keeping on a sad smile so as not to frighten the little girl. He watched as his sensitive partner slowly walked over and coddled the child in a soft yet desperate embrace, and listened with a heavy heart as the shaking man whispered into her ear.
"Child, oh dear, sweet child. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry."
And Hisoka almost broke down as well.
After explaining to the little girl what had happened to her, they spent about two hours calming her down and trying to provide comfort. Cuddled against Tsuzuki's chest the whole time with tears streaming down her face, Hisoka thought she looked like a lost babe. He eventually had to turn his face away from her sad gaze.
Once she had calmed down, Hisoka was at a loss at how to handle the situation, and from the look on Tsuzuki's face he was too. How does one go about telling a little kid to leave everything behind? They didn't need to worry though, because as soon as she wiped her face dry she said that she'd move on if she could say goodbye to her family.
Hisoka froze in awe for a couple of seconds. To see such a child show an unbelievable amount of strength and maturity for one her age… there were no words. Only amazement, pain, and respect.
Hisoka shook himself out of the daze first and then captured Tsuzuki's eyes. A silent message traveled between them. Though it was against protocol to make deals with the assignments, neither had the heart to refuse her simple request. Besides, it wasn't as if either had much regard for the rules in the first place. Both gave her a small smile, told her they agreed, and then flew off to take her to her home.
After arriving, it took the little girl about twenty minutes to say good-bye to her older brother, father, and mother. Hisoka and Tsuzuki originally went into the apartment with her, but ended up waiting outside because it became too much – the family's grief and mourning for Hisoka, and the guilt and disgust for Tsuzuki.
Hisoka originally wasn't going to go in (such close proximity to the pain he could feel outside the apartment when he first arrived would kill his senses), but he wasn't willing to leave Tsuzuki by himself. He knew his partner inside and out. Tsuzuki saw it as the punishment he deserved – to suffer the same pain as those who he felt he had wronged.
Hisoka was not willing to let his partner flagellate himself like that, especially when he didn't deserve it. No amount of words would help – Hisoka knew from experience – so instead he offered his presence. Throughout the whole ordeal, he made certain to always be constantly touching his partner, whether skin-to-skin contact or not. And for the fleeting moments they did touch skin, Hisoka projected feelings of caring and compassion and understanding and acceptance and affection and… and…
The feeling was there, but he wasn't willing to name it. It was one he had felt from others before, yet it wasn't the same. And it shouldn't be tied down with just one word, right? That made it feel… like he was disgracing it. The emotion. The essence. The idea. The unity. Them, the two of them, together. He wouldn't – couldn't – say it. But it was there all the same.
And after the child was done and gone (fading out of life's existence), Hisoka reined that emotion in and then let it loose to crash over the both of them in an overwhelming tidal wave. It swirled around them in a protective cocoon all the way back to his home.
The second they arrived to his bungalow, Hisoka almost made the mistake of falling back into routine. He was on his way to the kitchen to grab Tsuzuki a slice of pie and make some tea for the both of them (Tsuzuki preferred green tea to any other drink, a preference different from Hisoka's pre-Kyoto perception of the sweet-loving man), but was stopped by his partner's arms around his waist.
He paused and imperceptibly tensed for a second, caught off guard, but then relaxed within the comforting, desperate embrace.
They slowly made their way into the den where both collapsed onto the couch. Tsuzuki leaned against the backrest, his legs bent and entwined with Hisoka's who was cuddled up against Tsuzuki's chest. They were both laying half on their backs and half on their sides, Hisoka partially on top of Tsuzuki.
Perhaps, under different circumstances, Hisoka would have been self-conscious. He would have been worried or fearful or tense or all three combined. But that was not the case and he made certain not to dwell upon it.
Time became meaningless wrapped in the warm embrace. It could have been five days, five hours, or five minutes… Because no matter the actual length of time, it felt like eternity. And never once throughout the whole melding of reality did Hisoka feel his space invaded nor the desire to leave the safety of HOME.
When the stars glittered the dark heavens in a way that reminded Hisoka of the sparking depths within his partner's gaze, he spoke. Not because of the silence or that he felt obligated to, but because the time and the mood were right. He was ready, and he wanted to share.
"I hated dying. Not because I was losing my life, but because death couldn't come fast enough. Those three years spent falling apart and waiting were my personal hell."
Tsuzuki paused a second in stroking Hisoka's hair at the beginning of the sudden story, but continued his ministrations. It was a comforting gesture and one Hisoka was grateful for. He took a deep breath to calm his nerves and continue.
"I wanted to die. The end was inevitable and the curse brought about many realizations. It brought to light that there was nothing holding me back. I had no obligations, no desire, no hope, no grounding force to fight for. My parents were relieved to have the control taken out of their hands. And, quite frankly, though it hurt to see them give up so easily on me, so was I. I just wish the end could have come sooner."
His eyes started to mist, but he ignored them.
"My body slowly destroyed itself. It wasn't even an oscillating effect of getting better and getting worse. Instead it was a constant decline. And I could feel every second of it. My body became my prison, my church, my everything.
"At first, all I was aware of was the physical, outward sensations. I knew what my body was feeling – the burning, itching, bleeding, convulsing, throbbing. And all of those sensations brought amazing clarity of my surroundings. I can clearly remember my parents' facial expressions when they first saw me – my mother's curled lip, twisted scowl, and accusing eyes deforming her doll-like face, a face I came to inherit… my father's blank expression and cold eyes as if I was no more than a flea, an attitude I learned to develop. Even now I can vividly feel their initial disgust and how it only soured further when the doctor came to explain my condition; I can see their final, unforgiving backs as they left without a final goodbye; I can even list my full range of symptoms – three broken ribs, a dislocated shoulder, twisted ankle, internal hemorrhaging, bruises, scarring, dehydration, nutritional deficiency, influenza…
"…And then my mind caught up.
"I was absorbed by my nightmares, dragged away from the outside reality and forced to relive that night and so many others over and over. I was delirious. I was desperate. Eventually, I escaped by locking myself away from everything and just focusing inward on my body.
"I could tell each and every change. I knew whenever another cell was destroyed. I knew every time a nerve failed. I knew whenever a blood vessel collapsed on itself. I was constantly attentive of how the scars were mutilating my immune system and brain. I was aware of the corrosion of my body right until it was hanging by a thread and then snapped.
"I observed it all with a fascinated, amused detachment.
"And that's what autumn reminds me of. As I watch the outside world fall apart, I'm brought back to my own disintegration. I am reminded of my own body and mind slowly breaking down. I am reminded of the gradual decline and too long wait for the inevitable end. And as I watch people stare and admire the decay that autumn brings, I remember my own sick fascination with my own decay. And all I can think of whenever I see and remember this is how we all have Muraki within us."
Hisoka raised his hands in an attempt to cover his eyes from the visions.
"I am what I curse the most."
And he broke down.
As the tears poured from his eyes uninhibited, Hisoka felt Tsuzuki tighten his hold as his partner buried his face into his hair. Tears fell unchecked as both frantically tried to find some sort of foothold. Together they rocked back and forth in a steady rhythm until both eventually calmed down.
The second he gained back a clear mind, Hisoka reflected upon his actions and became self-conscious. Strangely enough he wasn't ashamed, but the situation did lend itself to the uncomfortable silence that plagued the room.
He was wary to break the silence on the other hand. Doing so felt like he would be interrupting some sort of sacred ceremony. It was stupid, but that was how he felt. Luckily enough, he didn't have to wait long.
Tsuzuki shifted a little behind him and tightened his grip.
"Ruka dying shattered me. Completely and irreversibly shattered me."
Ah, his sister. It was only an assumption, but one Hisoka felt pretty confident about after previous sessions with Tsuzuki.
"She always told me that I wasn't a monster, a demon. But she was wrong and paid the price for it. It's the first time I truly hated myself."
He could feel his partner tremble all around him – could feel his own insides shiver, clench, and burn. So he bit his lip and held tight onto Tsuzuki's grip.
"Nothing was ever the same again. Nothing. Her death and my sin brought a cold and chilling finality to my life… my hope."
Tsuzuki buried his face into the crook of Hisoka's neck, muffling his voice and soaking Hisoka's shirt at the junction.
"I-I just want her back. I want to say I'm sorry. I want her to be able to finish her life… to live it fully the way she deserved instead of taking care of a monster so unworthy of her compassion. I… I-I want her forgiveness!"
Tsuzuki's hands clenched into fists on Hisoka's abdomen, fiercely grabbing onto his shirt as if it was a lifeline.
"But that will never happen! Never! I will never get that chance! She'll never get that chance! No matter how much I want it! That point--th-that life ended, and there's no way I can fix it!"
A strangled cry hissed through Tsuzuki's clenched teeth. "N-never…"
A choked whisper followed a few seconds later. "And… and that's what winter reminds me of.
"It reminds me of the end, of finality, of death. It reminds me of the people who only want to live their lives, to have a second chance, but I'm forced to deny. It reminds me of how hopeless and futile it is to struggle… how pointless it is to imagine things staying the same. Winter forces you to die and leave everything you love behind."
Hisoka attempted to turn around, to look Tsuzuki in the eye and provide comfort, but the embrace prevented him from doing so. He was about to protest – and perhaps use a little more force – but stopped when he felt his partner's urgency spike. Ignoring the chest ache – which quite likely had been a small heart attack – he forced his body to remain still as he became aware of his partner's intent.
Tsuzuki was not yet finished.
"And spring is not much better. It's actually just as bad in its own way. With the dead of winter past, spring thrusts a new life onto you. A new life with a whole new existence, purpose, and pain. And it forces you to leave your previous life behind.
"It's a harsh and cruel reality masking itself as something beautiful and delicate. Like a flower in a breeze, or a blue jay in song, or maybe even…" and he let off a dry laugh, "…a false life in eternal bloom.
"One existence abruptly ends only to be replaced by another. And you're just expected to leave all loose ends dangling. Even though you may not be ready or prepared, even though you're still filled with regrets, you're not allowed the chance to breathe and resolve your problems.
"They call it a second chance. But it's nothing more than a prison. For both me and all of the people whose lives I've taken. It's hell.
"It's too much. I hate it! Hate it, hate it, hate it!"
He shook his head from side to side in rhythm, further emphasizing each poignant word. He finished by further burrowing his face into Hisoka's neck.
"And I know I deserve to be punished with this miserable existence! I should be receiving ten times worse for what I've done! But still, I just… I just…"
Hisoka could feel his heart grow heavy and weaken, weighed down by the self-disgust and misery. He was dying all over again. He needed to stop Tsuzuki. He should be doing it right now! Yet his mouth felt dry and his throat was closed up making it hard to breathe let alone talk.
"God, I get so tired and scared… and I feel so worthless. There are times where I just want it all to end… finally, for good. I can't do ANYTHING right--
"And so that's it, winter and spring. An abrupt end leading to an abrupt beginning. Both unforgiving, both chaining you to an existence of Fate's sadistic choosing, both leaving you twice as broken."
Tsuzuki's sudden interruption of his own monologue was not lost on Hisoka. He was drowning himself in his own guilt, unknowingly leaving his bare soul open to Hisoka's judgment, and then suddenly closing up as if realizing what he was doing.
Though the words weren't what Hisoka wanted to hear from his partner's mouth, he knew they were as much a part of Tsuzuki as Hisoka's fear of becoming Muraki was a part of himself. So, in a backwards way, they were the words Hisoka wanted to hear, because those were the words he expected to hear if Tsuzuki was able to fight off his own means of self-protection. If either one of them wanted to reach and maintain the relationship they were both hoping for (and from reading Tsuzuki's emotions and, occasionally, thoughts, Hisoka could tell that his partner wanted it as much as he did), they'd need to learn to break through their self-erected barriers and trust each other with their inner demons.
But it would have to be a gradual change, for both of their sakes. Hisoka knew just how hard it was… he wouldn't push Tsuzuki… he'd stay patient.
And so, instead of asking Tsuzuki to continue, he turned around in order to wrap his arms around Tsuzuki's neck and, after moving up the couch slightly, guide his partner's head to his collarbone. Hisoka stroked Tsuzuki's hair while the older man continued to cry. It was only when things calmed down that Hisoka dared to speak.
"Thank you."
Tsuzuki lifted his head to look into Hisoka's eyes. His eyes were hazy and puffy, his skin was flushed, water smeared his cheeks, snot dribbled down his chin, his hair was disheveled and dirty… his lips were turned up in a small, thankful, genuine smile.
He never looked more beautiful.
"No, no, Hisoka. Thank you. Thank you for everything."
He might have continued, but Hisoka tilted Tsuzuki's face up to place a small kiss upon his forehead. And that ended all words for a while.
At some point, Tsuzuki began to rub his face on Hisoka's shirt trying to wipe off the streaks that had refused to dry – fresh tears had continued to pour at random intervals, but if Hisoka's empathy wasn't off those tears weren't completely caused by sadness or pain. Hisoka stared down at his partner's sheepish face, his own curled up in mock disgust.
"Now that's just gross, idiot! You don't go using other people's clothing like handkerchiefs! If you need to wipe your face, go get a Kleenex!"
Tsuzuki whimpered. "B-but, Sokaaaaa! I don't wanna move! You're too comfy!"
Grumbling something about inconsiderate idiots and being used as pillows, Hisoka reached up above himself to grab a tissue from the box lying upon the table next to the couch. It took him a couple of tries – because some idiot refused to move from his spot – but he eventually got one. Shoving it into his partner's face, Hisoka waited while Tsuzuki took the tissue from him and wiped his face and blew his nose. Afterwards, Tsuzuki crumpled the tissue into a ball before dropping it onto the floor and cuddling against Hisoka's chest.
Hisoka said not a word. He had long since learned to put up with Tsuzuki's antics, and he didn't feel like giving the older man a hard time. Instead he wrapped his arms around his partner and laid his head on top of the brown, tangled mess.
"Hey, Tsuzuki?"
"Hmm?"
He paused for a second. "Why… why is autumn your favorite season?"
"Hmm… well…" Tsuzuki appeared to consider the question for a second before continuing.
"It's my favorite season because I'm able to wind down. All of the other seasons bring stress. Winter and spring for… obvious reasons. And then summer…"
Hisoka felt the slight pang of nostalgia and regret.
"Summer is like the happy-go-lucky, active Tsuzuki. Putting on a show for everyone else. It's not so bad anymore. Now, more often than not, I'm genuinely… well, not happy, but content. Yes, I'm content. And I can get excited about things and I like cheering others up and it's uplifting… but it also gets very tiring. And I sometimes feel like I'm insulting everyone with my attitude. Because the innocence and happiness are not genuine.
"Autumn is like the chance to unwind and calm down after the heat of misery and hyper-activity. It gives me a chance to be thoughtful and relax. It's the closest to peace I'll ever achieve. And I don't get it often enough… or at least I didn't."
Tsuzuki moved his head such that Hisoka had to lift his up. Their eyes locked.
"You, Hisoka. You've been giving me so many chances to let loose and relax. You're helping me to make my afterlife more bearable. Just your presence makes things feel better… makes me feel more hopeful about the future. If not for you… if not for you I would have been lost. Thank you, Hisoka."
With all the tears that had been shed as of late, Hisoka thought no more would have been possible. Guess he was wrong. He refused, however, to let the situation turn into a crying mess again. So he quickly wiped his tears dry and replied with, "Yeah, whatever you say, idiot."
Tsuzuki chuckled. "Yeah, that is what I say." He tilted his head to the side. "How about you, Hisoka? Why are winter and spring your favorite seasons?"
Hisoka paused to collect his thoughts.
"I mentioned earlier about my feelings on autumn… if autumn is the decline, winter is the conclusion. It's such a relief to finally reach some sort of… of resolution. To finally see a long-standing problem come to an end. To finally not have to wait any further… to finally see your patience pay off.
"On the other hand, I don't see it as THE end. Everything intermingles, just as autumn flows into winter, which flows into spring, which flows into summer, which flows into autumn, and the process begins anew.
"Summer is the climax, the peak inevitably leading to the decline, the season of activity; autumn is the plummet, the fall from grace, the season of deterioration; winter is the conclusion, a turning point allowing for the chance of renewal, the season of closure; spring is the ascension, the second chance in order to mend and improve, the season of hope.
"I'm not saying that winter is always a happy circumstance or brings about the best closure. Many times people don't want change even as it is thrust upon them. And things end when they're not ready for them… they--we are not ready. And sometimes we stay in denial, uselessly fighting against something we can't control.
"That's what I see in you, Tsuzuki. You haven't fully moved on… you're still stuck in the past. It's not your fault… moving on, letting go of regrets and grudges, forgiving yourself… they're hard things to accomplish. Especially alone. Maybe with some help, even if the source isn't the best or is awkward with these certain situations… even though I'm not much better off, maybe I can provide some assistance. Maybe we can both help each other.
"We're in spring now, and the purpose of spring is to rebuild and grow again. And though maybe not everything will be resolved the way we wish it, it can still be fixed. We can move on. Because as long as there are more opportunities… opportunities to improve, to grow stronger, to heal, to fight back… then there will always be hope.
"And I'd like to do it by your side…"
Hisoka turned his face away from Tsuzuki, feeling self-conscious at being so candid with his feelings. He was scared about his partner's reaction, even though he knew at the same time there was no need to fear. Still, he left himself completely open… it was a big risk. But for Tsuzuki…
He felt a soft peck on his cheek.
"Mmm, me too, Hisoka. With you."
Thank God. There is hope for us. He almost cried out in relief, but instead hugged the man tighter. Even though those inspiring words came from his mouth, words that Tsuzuki needed to hear, he still hadn't felt entirely confident. They were how he felt, but such beliefs were a recent change and ones he still had doubts with.
Before he had even met Tsuzuki, he'd shared many of the same opinions as his partner. Death had been a great relief – he wasn't lying when he said that – but he hadn't wanted a second life. It would end up being just as cruel as the first, and he still hadn't gotten over the sting his previous life left behind. Instead, he just didn't want to exist at all.
But having Tsuzuki as a partner put things into a different perspective. Suddenly, there were opportunities… there was a chance to make things better… there was hope. It took a long while to realize this… the Kyoto case was what brought these realizations into light. It took almost losing everything to suddenly see what all he had gained.
In a way, he had needed to hear those words from his own mouth as much as Tsuzuki did… both the words he had spoken in the fire and the words he had just said. Perhaps, some day, they'd both completely believe these words without doubts, just like they both already believed those words in the fire. It was a goal to work for.
But first…
"I'd… I'd like to see autumn like you do. I'd like to not hold such a negative stigma against it. I know that none of the four seasons are perfect… they all come with good and bad points. But still, I'd like to not have such pessimistic bias. I want to change my opinion of it."
Tsuzuki graced him with a small smile. "Me too. I'd like to see winter and spring as you do. I'll help you if you help me?"
Hisoka meekly smiled back. "Yes, of course." Never in his whole existence, living or dead, did he feel as peaceful or hopeful for the future as he did now. Finally, a step in the right direction.
He squirmed a little, trying to find a more comfortable position, and placed a loose pillow behind his head. Lying back, he relaxed the exhaustion from the past few days catching up with him. Poor sleep on top of today's stressful situation was finally taking its toll. Falling asleep sounded like a really good idea.
"Ah, Hisoka?"
However, it appeared that Tsuzuki wasn't yet finished. Shaking his head slightly, he responded, "Er, what, Tsuzuki?"
"Ah… never mind. You're tired. I can wait until morning."
"Yeah, well, I can't." Hisoka attempted to glare, but knew it probably looked about as fierce as a kitten begging for food so gave up. "I won't be able to sleep now until you tell me, so you might as well go ahead. Besides, you're not allowed to hide anything tonight."
Tsuzuki chuckled. "I guess you're right. I guess I just…" Tsuzuki's eyes flittered to the window before coming back to Hisoka again. "Your yard is quite bare."
"My backyard?" He had a feeling he knew where this was going.
"Mmm, yes. And all the rest of your lawn."
"And what would your recommendation be to fixing this problem?"
"Well… we could plant a garden together… add some more color and life into this bungalow. We can make it even more beautiful and fantastic than my place. We can… make it into a home."
"And what about your garden?" Hisoka needed to make sure Tsuzuki didn't have any big regrets. "Are you certain you want to leave it behind… leave in someone else's care or to run wild?"
Tsuzuki's expression softened. "I'll… miss it. I put a lot of work and effort into it, and it holds many fond memories… and I do worry for it. However…"
Tsuzuki paused and scooted up so as to be even and look directly into Hisoka's eyes. "However, I want to build and grow a new garden with you. Together."
Hisoka raised his hand and began caressing Tsuzuki's cheek. "I would like that." Then he began thinking about the guest room he had and everything he would need to clean out – there wasn't much, but he'd still need to figure out where the stuff could go or if he'd need to give some of the things away. And then there were the many knick-knacks Tsuzuki would surely bring with him… and perhaps some furniture as well. They would definitely need to make some plans beforehand.
"How about spring? That gives us some time to prepare. Besides, I think it's only fitting."
Tsuzuki's smile grew wide, making Hisoka's heart flutter at the sight. "I'd like that." Tsuzuki leaned up, laid a lingering kiss on Hisoka's forehead, and snuggled back into his chest.
Satisfied that everything was resolved, Hisoka relaxed against the pillow and immediately fell asleep.
------------------
Tsuzuki stared down at the bundle cradled in his arms. Soon after Hisoka fell asleep, he had changed positions with his precious partner so that the young empath was cradled against his chest. Normally a very light sleeper, the fact that Hisoka did not wake up while being shifted around confirmed just how much the past few days had worn him out.
Tsuzuki was tired as well, but had wanted this time alone to think and hold Hisoka like this. Yes! He said yes!
Tsuzuki swallowed, trying to clear his throat. He rubbed his hands in circles around Hisoka's back, reveling in the feeling of warm breaths on his neck, cotton shirt bunching underneath his hands, another presence who wanted him around… who agreed to let him move in. It was… overwhelming.
The full moon blurred as he stared out the window. It was scary in so many ways. What was Hisoka expecting? Would he be able to live up to those expectations? What was coming up? What if they couldn't keep it together? Were things moving too fast? What if Hisoka became fed up with him? What if he lost hope and tried to commit suicide again? Would Hisoka regret everything? Could he really change? Was Hisoka better off without him? Should he give this up?
…Could he give this up?
He stared down at the angel in his arms, the moonlight basking him in a heavenly glow.
No, he couldn't. Heaven forgive him for being so weak, but he couldn't. And come what may, he didn't know if he'd ever be able to give it up. Hisoka felt the same way… he said so in the fire. So if they both wanted it that much, they'd make it through no matter what came their way, right?
Right.
With his most pressing worries put to rest, he followed after Hisoka's example and fell asleep.
Though he wouldn't remember the dream in the morning, Tsuzuki would end up in a positive frame of mind, a calmer and more confident outlook for the future.
He was dangling off of the edge of a craggy cliff, his grip on a ledge strong but growing weaker. Above him was Hisoka, his arm stretched out offering a helping hand, and below him was a black abyss, scary and daunting yet… something more. Something that made him feel like it was the path he wanted, the path he had resolved to follow.
He reached up to grab Hisoka's hand, and felt the hidden strength wash over him in waves. It pulled him up until he was at eye-level with his partner. There was a moment's hesitation as the emerald orbs looked up at the edge hovering above them, and then settled on the deep blackness below. Hisoka caught his eyes.
A wave of understanding passed between them, their decisions already made. Taking a shared, deep breath and closing their eyes, they let go of the rock at the same time, gravity taking over and pulling them head first into the great unknown… hand-in-hand.
------------------
A/N: Wow, it's finished. Wow. 'Scuse me a sec while I let it catch up with me.
……………………
I finished my first story!!! YAY! Granted, it's a bit… short, for containing all that happened within it, and some things probably could have been drawn out better, but honestly… it ended up being way longer than I expected. This chapter contained 5,662 words (y'know, without the beginning and ending notes). Combined with the first chapter, that's… dun, dun, duuuun… 11,231 words! Wowzers! I'm very pleased with the overall result. Woohoo! This chapter is probably only a rough draft, and I'll be updating it again if I find a few things I don't agree with, but otherwise it's finished.
Now time to answer a few questions you guys MIGHT have:
Where's the romance you labeled this story under, willag? They don't even end up kissing on the lips!!
Honestly, I didn't feel that sort of intimacy was appropriate. In this case, they're still trying to discover their love. They want things to move slow. I did, however, want to show the affection that had developed between them… so I included lots of cuddling and hugging with a few innocent kisses here and there. These scenes are what I love most in romances – don't get me wrong, I'm all for the passionate, romantic, sexual parts as well, but the deeply spiritual and emotion scenes are what I truly love. True, both can be combined, but like I said, I don't think they're at that point in their relationship yet in this story. Perhaps, I'll write one later on, provided you ask really, really nice. Cookies are good bribes as well.
Then why is this story rated R?
Good question. It's because of a few choice words Hisoka uses in the first chapter. Specifically the f-bomb. The last thing I wanted was for some turd out there to read my story and then suddenly report me because "I didn't rate my story correctly." Pbbt. And I didn't want to take them out of my story just so that I could lower my rating and get more reviewers, because I really thought they fit the mood and were appropriate. I could absolutely picture Hisoka using such words in times of extreme frustration. So I kept them in.
So, willag, how did this story come about?
Basically, I was taking a walk on a cold day, and offhandedly commented to myself that Hisoka would hate the weather. That then got me thinking on what his favorite season would then be, and I came to the conclusion autumn (just kinda fits his personality – Tsuzuki's reasoning in first chapter was all my initial reasoning). Then after thinking some more, I came to the conclusion that Tsuzuki's favorite season would be spring – it represents life and cheer, and those are things he wants to give to other people; plus, he has his garden and he loves flowers. Then I accused myself for simplifying the characters and making them predictable… I like to consider the characters in my favorite series as real, and here I was tying them down with simple, initial observations. People, in real life, don't always fit your initial perceptions. So I was like, "Okay, let's say that Hisoka's favorite season was spring and his least favorite was autumn, and Tsuzuki was vice-versa: How would I go about explaining that?" So then I spent a good hour rationalizing and making those aspects fit true to the characters presented in the series; at some point winter crept into the fray, because winter and spring went hand-in-hand with all the rationalizing I was doing. I feel I was able to mark them down pretty well while staying true to their original personalities. I was so inspired by my reasoning that I just had to write the story – I'd been looking for a while for a good focus for a Tsusoka oneshot, and I finally found it with this one. And I think I did a damn good job for my first fanfic… because isn't that the point of fanfiction: to mold the characters into your perceptions of them? I wanted to stay true to their original selves yet still somehow mold this perception in, and I wanted to succeed. Plus, I wanted to write some angsty, sappy romance (wow, what a combination). And I do believe I accomplished both goals. W00t!
I think I noticed a few strange things with Hisoka's empathy. Did his emotions physically affect him in this story?
Yes. I intentionally wrote this into the story even though Hisoka never shows that ability in the series.
Why?
Well, first thing you should know is that Hisoka is my favorite character. So I jump on any chance to develop his character and further his abilities (it's a common theme in my many unwritten/unfinished stories to write him as a strong character… he does have his flaws, but I totally find it an insult when people write him as a weak, wimpy uke… BOO! Sure, Tsuzuki excels in other areas that Hisoka strains to grow in, but he has his own strengths as well and is pretty self-sufficient. Together, they complement each other's strengths and weaknesses and help improve another… the duo is a serious force to be reckoned with… I love 'em!). I take pride in Hisoka's empathy, so that's usually the first thing I like to develop. In this situation, I'm trying to show an evolution in his abilities. I got the idea of physical ailments caused by emotions from Quatre in Gundam Wing (a fellow empath, who's another one of my favorite characters). Quatre has a Space Heart (Uchuu no kokoro) that basically hurts when he feels extreme emotions around him (mainly negative). Also, research has shown that emotions, moods, and stress have a profound impact on medical issues, like heart problems, some cancers, and other diseases. Happier people are generally healthier. So I incorporated that into this story, yet went even further by making certain emotions have specific effects. For example, I consider self-disgust and self-hatred to be some of the deadliest emotions on a person's psych, so I had them slowly try to kill Hisoka by slowing down his heart and trying to shut his organs down. If he were alive, they could have quite likely killed him if they lasted long enough or became too extreme. I spent a long time trying to figure out how different emotions would affect him physically – I wanted different kinds to have unique effects. To see the different ones I did, go back and read again. This sort of ability is obviously a double-edged sword. If he learned to control it and project it onto other people or demons (force emotions onto them and then manipulate them both emotionally and physically), he could be a force to reckon with. AWESOME! I get completely psyched just thinking about it! If anyone out there wants to continue on with that idea, be my guest! It would be interesting to see that sort of concept handled and bloom into a story.
So what's with this quote in this chapter: "We're in spring now, and the purpose of spring is to rebuild and grow again." –Hisoka. Isn't autumn the season this story is set during? I do believe that's what you mentioned in the first chapter.
Yes, the actual season they're in is autumn. Hisoka and Tsuzuki decide later on to move in together during the spring so as to give themselves time to prepare. This quote is all metaphorical. Hisoka and Tsuzuki have been given the chance at a second life to do with it as they please. At this point, they're both mainly stuck in the past, either struggling to move forward (Hisoka) or simply refusing to (Tsuzuki). Hisoka's trying to remind Tsuzuki that they should be taking their chance by rebuilding and healing themselves and each other. The season of spring – the season of hope.
So, any plans for future stories?
Er… yes. I did have a holiday fic all planned out, but I never actually got to it. It was my intention to break away from this story for a while and type that one out before Christmas, but that never worked out. I couldn't focus on that story with this one still poking and prodding at me to finish it. So I was like, "Okay, I'll just finish this one before Christmas, and type that other one-shot up real quickly." WRONGO! Didn't happen. So then I changed a few concepts around to make it fit New Year's better, and told myself to finish this fic before New Year's so that I could get the other up before 2007 came around. FAILURE! Ouch, I double-whammied myself. But, basically, I love the other story too much to save it for next holiday season, so I'm just gonna write it as a belated holiday fic… really belated fic. Hey! Maybe I'll have it out before my birthday on January 15th! It'll be like my own gift to myself! Inspiration for this one-shot came from the song "The Christmas Shoes" by NewSong… and that's all the hints I'm gonna be giving! So be expecting that one as my next story. Afterwards, I have another one-shot in mind, Tsuzuki-focus, that's set 2000 years in the future where Hisoka already moved on 1000 years previously. Basically, you'll get to see how Hisoka helped change Tsuzuki and then how Tsuzuki further changed himself. Inspiration for the idea came from Luna Burgundy Quote-chan's story "Southeast of Eden"… specifically the discussion between Hisoka and Tsuzuki during the 14th chapter. And after that one, I plan on writing a multi-chapter story (that's currently set to be three chapters, which means it'll probably end up being 6 chapters and 100,000 words long… erk) with Tsuzuki willing to do anything to be able to control his powers… even make a deal with the devil himself, Muraki. It will be up to Hisoka to save him – however will he do it? To find out either beg pathetically, pray fervently, or wait patiently. Very patiently. I'm starting college again in a week. Ugh. If you think I'm slow now, just wait until later. All these plans and more, in willag's PEFAL!!! (Pathetic Excuse For A Life)
So, I just wanted to point out something funny. Hisoka's bungalow in this story seems to contain the world's most convenient sofa. First of all, the darn thing's long enough so that Tsuzuki can lie out without his feet going over the arms (or at least I never wrote it in that his feet dangled over the edge). Secondly, the characters constantly scoot up the couch so as to cradle the other… and they never end up having to prop themselves up or lean against an arm of the couch. It's like the damn thing is constantly growing to fit their needs, yet the second Hisoka needs to grab a Kleenex it's within reach. Woah! I wish I had a sofa like that! No wonder Tsuzuki was hogging it all in the first chapter (other than the fact he wanted Hisoka to lay on him… snicker). Thirdly, the second Hisoka needs a stray pillow to lay his head on, it's there! Poof! Yanked right out of hammer space… or rather, couch space! Yes! I think the only thing that pwns that is Heero Yuy pulling his gun from his special spandex space (on-going joke with many people in the GW community). Basically, this couch is every horny Tsusoka fan's wet dream! Imagine the possibilities! Our two cutesy love-birds decide to get all jiggy wit' it (shoot me, I'm trying to sound "hip"): they never have to worry about falling off the darn thing or running into anything when they get all frisky, because it will just conveniently continue to grow to fit their sporadic movements; but the second they need to grab a tube of lube, it's right there on the table next to them only an arm's length away!; and, after a good romp, pillows and blankets will magically appear so that they can fitfully rest up for another go around later! W00t! You can't lose with this sofa (or couch, or whatever… I don't think there's a darn difference… just different words to describe the same thing). I should copyright it so that people will have to credit me it if they want to borrow it. Hehehe… oooo, the monetary opportunities!! WAHAHAHA!!
Anywho, I hope you all enjoyed the story! Thank you all for reading it! Read and review, please! BAIBAI!