Chapter One
Link found himself standing in the middle of a large crowd of teenagers. They swarmed around him, chatting and laughing and shrieking. Mary Sue stood beside him, clutching his arm very tightly. Mary Sue enjoyed this part very much.
"Where are we, why are we?" Link asked. "And WHO are we? And what am I WEARING?" He glanced down at his shirt, which screamed "HOLLISTER" back at him in all capitals.
"I'm Hollister?" he asked.
Mary Sue rolled her eyes. "Ugh, NO," she said, extremely put out about the whole thing. "That's the BRAND. Don't you know anything?"
"No!" Link said, "And I liked it that way."
"Ugh," Mary Sue said again, as if the whole thing hadn't been her idea in the first place. She pulled a sparkly notebook out of her purse and handed it to Link. The pages were filled with her scrawling, bubbly handwriting, always in glittery purple ink. "Keep this with you," she said. "The year is 2006. Your name is Link Forrester. You have supercute floppy hair, and people on Television Without Pity will henceforth refer to you as CuteLink, because even though HotLink is more accurate, it sounds goofy. You are a junior in high school. You're one of the popular kids, you're good at everything, you're the star quarterback of the football team-- " she fished around in her purse and produced a key ring "--these are your car keys. It is the shiny silver BMW in the north parking lot. This is your high school. You are dating Zelda, who is the head cheerleader." Mary Sue thought a moment. "I think that's everything. Your class schedule is in the notebook. Good luck!" She smiled brightly, and with a flash of her Crest Whitestrips-whitened teeth, she was gone.
Link stared.
"Crap," he said. He glanced down at the notebook in his hands. Three pink flowers on the cover smiled back at him. He opened to the first page and found a class schedule shining up at him. Link sighed and set about finding the first classroom on the list.
He turned to the first person he saw. "Excuse me," he said, "Could you show me where room 203 is?"
He was speaking a girl probably two years younger than he was. Her stringy brown hair hung in her face, except for her bangs, which were curled and sprayed a good four inches above her head. She wore an oversized t-shirt bearing the picture of a horse, a long denim skirt, and Nikes. She grinned up at him wordlessly, braces glittering.
And kept grinning.
And kept grinning.
Link waited.
She was still grinning.
"Ahh... room 203?" he tried again.
"Hi," she finally said, still staring at him. "You're really talking to me." She spoke in a hushed tone, overcome with awe.
"...yes I am," Link said awkwardly.
"I don't believe it," she breathed. "I'm in your class, but I don't think you ever noticed. I don't have many friends. I can walk you there. I can't believe you're talking to me." She started down the hallway, still dazed.
"So..." Link said, attempting conversation, "Horses? I have a horse."
"I LOVE HORSES," she fairly squealed. "I always wanted a pony and I never got a pony but I collect pretend ponies..." and she was off and running, chattering away unintelligibly, leaving Link to nod occasionally as they walked. Gradually he became aware of a different kind of chatter, a low murmuring that travelled all around him. Link looked around to see the halls completely empty, clusters of students staring at them from both sides.
From behind him came an exasperated cry of, "Ohmigosh! He SOOOO wouldn't dare!"
He turned around.
"OhmiGOSH!" Some strange reincarnation of Zelda was marching towards him, wearing a cheerleader outfit. "LINK, you SO are not talking to the Horse Girl! What is WRONG with you?"
"I had - she was - I... what is wrong with YOU? Who is the Horse Girl?" He was completely confused. He looked at Zelda, who offered no explanation but continued to glare. He scanned the crowd, who continued to murmur, until he caught the eye of a red-haired cheerleader, dressed in an outfit identical to Zelda's.
"I thought Malon was the Horse Girl!" Link exclaimed, pointing at her.
A hush fell over the crowd, and an indignant, "Oh no, you DIDn't," came from Malon, who turned angrily on her cheerleader-sneakered foot and stomped away.
"Link, you are SO TOTALLY dead," Zelda raged, shoving him up against a locker. "Talking to the Horse Girl is, like, social suicide!"
By this point, the much-discussed Horse Girl had run away into the bathroom, crying. The crowd stared at Link and Zelda. "UGH," Zelda huffed, sounding similar to Mary Sue. "Let me handle this." She turned to address the crowd, smiling brilliantly. "Teehee!" she said. "Don't I have like, totally the best boyfriend ever? Pretending to like that loser?" She grinned indulgently at them; at him.
The students nodded slowly, understanding, or at least pretending to.
"Show's over!" Zelda told them brightly. "Unless..." She smiled at the crowd, and, turning back to Link, slammed him against the lockers again, causing a mild concussion, and began making out with him.
A few moments later a bell rang, deafeningly loudly, above their heads, and Malon stuck her head out of a classroom door and said, "Oh em GEE, like, come on, you guys! Class is totally about to start!" She disappeared back inside.
"Psh," Zelda said, "Dork." And she strutted into the classroom. Link followed, gasping for air, and collapsed in a desk in the front row.
"Like, what's his DEAL?" Malon hissed to Zelda. "Like, the front row? LOSER."
"Psh," Zelda said, "At least he's MY loser." She smirked.
The teacher, who warrants no description whatsoever, instructed the class to begin taking notes. Link pulled out the sparkly pink notebook and glanced at it warily. He began reading.
"omg, like HIIIII!!!!1! Itz Mary Sue again! Just wanted 2 remind u, u have 2 act liek ur in hi skool! That means u hav 2 say things like "cool" and "sweet" and "totally" a lot, got it? also as u read this i am sekritly invading ur mind 2 make u fit in bettr, bcuz, who dosn't want 2 be poplar!!! rofl xactly k byez!"
Link stared at it, blankly, and felt strange. It was a mixture of dizziness, a pounding headache, confusion at this entire world which he had been thrown in, confusion at cheerleader!Zelda, confusion at kissing cheerleader!Zelda, confusion at enjoying kissing cheerleader!Zelda, and the Sue's mindcontrol. He reached into his very trendy and metrosexual messenger bag and took out a pen. He put the pen to the paper. He began to write, the words flowing effortlessly, not thinking:
Dear Sparkly Notebook Journal,
Hey! 'Sup? Well, today is another day of highschool. BORING! My hair is looking really good today, though. Zelda totally thinks I'm hot, and well, you know, Sparkly Notebook Journal, I don't blame her. She's pretty hot too. I'm so lucky to be dating the head cheerleader! Although the other cheerleaders are certainly not bad to look at... hmmm...
I'm in class right now and DUDE, it is so lame. I think maybe for lunch we will go to the mall and then skip classes for the rest of the day. It'll be totally sweet. I found these rad shoes there anyway, they're totally sweet! As if the ladies didn't love me enough already... heh, heh.
Well Sparkly Notebook Journal, I guess I am all out of things to say. I have a pretty sweet life. I can tell everyone else here wishes they were me. Or they wish they were dating me. Or, you know, both.
PEACE OUT SPARKLY NOTEBOOK JOURNAL.
Link closed the notebook and slid it to the far corner of his desk. What was happening to him? What had he just written? Fearfully, he lifted the cover of the notebook and peered inside. He saw the words "totally sweet" and immediately slammed the cover shut.
"Mr. CuteLink?" the teacher droned. "Is there a problem?"
"Ahh... no. There's... well...," Link thought. To be perfectly honest, this whole plotline was a problem. "Why am I here?" he blurted.
"To learn, Mr. CuteLink," droned the teacher.
"But - here - like this - in this," he flailed at the Hollister logo on his shirt, "With them," he flailed at Zelda and Malon, who were texting one another on their pink cell phones in the back of the room. The teacher stared, disinterested.
"I have a headache," Link finished, throwing his hands up resignedly. "I have a headache and probably a mild concussion, and... that's it. That's it." He felt hopeless.
"Go to the office and get some aspirin," said the teacher, with no personality and no emotion.
"Yes. Yes, I definitely will." Link grabbed the sparkly notebook, his metrosexual messenger bag, and fled. The door had barely shut behind him before Zelda flung her hand in the air and waved it around dramatically.
"Yes?" said the teacher.
"Like, I like, have to go to the bathroom," Zelda said.
"Oh em gee!" Malon exclaimed. "Like, me too!"
"Go ahead," said the teacher, who was more than ready to get rid of them. They squealed and giggled their way out the door. "LINK!" Zelda screamed after him. "Wait for us!" They ran to catch up with him.
"I want to die," Link said, and meant it.
"Hee!" Malon giggled. "Not yet, silly. That's another chapter." Link looked terrified. "Right now, let's go to the mall!"
"DUDE, I SAW SOME TOTALLY SWEET SHOES THERE!" Link suddenly exclaimed. Realizing what he'd said, his eyes widened in shock. "What's happening?"
"Umm... like... we're totally going to the mall!" Zelda squealed, and they hurried out to the parking lot. Zelda and Malon scurried over to a silver BMW - my silver BMW, Link realized, remembering Mary Sue's explanation. He dug the keys out of his pocket. He put the key in the door. He unlocked the car. He opened the door.
"Like, that's so old school," Zelda said.
"I didn't know you could DO that," Malon said. "I always like, use the button."
"SHOTGUN!" squealed Zelda, diving into the passenger seat. Malon flounced into the backseat. Link hesitantly got behind the steering wheel.
"Okay," he said.
"Okay!" he said, more enthusiastically, staring at the dashboard.
Zelda and Malon exchanged curious glances.
"I... have no idea what to do," Link said. The girls giggled.
"Like, drive to the mall!" Zelda said.
"Nooooo!" Malon said. "Drive to like, Starbucks!" Zelda squealed with delight.
"Er..." said Link. Zelda reached over, put the key in the ignition, and started the car. Something in Link, some sense of teenage-boy instinct mixed with the subtle mindcontrol powers of the Sue, compelled him to shift into gear and slam his foot down on the accelerator. The car shot forward. Zelda and Malon squealed and giggled, as they often did.
"Dude, this is SWEET!" Link shouted against his better judgment. They sped into town, screeching to a stop in front of Starbucks. They got out. They went in.
"Ohmigosh, I hate coffee," Zelda said.
"Ohmigosh, me too!" Malon said, as if it were an amazing coincidence. "Boo to coffee!"
"Isn't this a coffeeshop?" Link was confused.
"Two really big strawberry frappy-cino thingys," Zelda said. She pointed back at Link. "And whatever he wants. It's on him."
Malon was looking through the local paper. "Ohmigosh!" she screamed. "SALE!"
"SALE!" Zelda shrieked, so shrilly that neighborhood dogs began whimpering in pain. She and Malon began yelping and exclaiming over the advertisements.
"What would you like?" The employee was now looking at Link.
"Triple grande no whip soy caramel macchiato," Link said, resignedly.
Everything froze. The Starbucks employees ceased to move. The shrieks and giggling coming from Zelda and Malon quieted. Time stopped. Link surveyed the scene suspiciously. He turned around.
In the corner, something began to glow.
"Not again," Link muttered.
The glowing light grew brighter until Mary Sue materialized. She sparkled over to Link. "I never thought!" she gasped.
"I can tell," Link said.
"I had no idea you were so clever!" Mary Sue continued. "I thought it would take you at least a day. Heck, I thought it would take you at least more than a few hours."
"What would take me more than a few hours?" Link asked.
"The next chapter," Mary Sue italicized back, taking advantage of the moment to put her arm around Link's shoulders. "When you ordered that coffee," she said, acting as though she was divulging a great secret, "You set the stage for the next chapter." She used italics again, because they were needed.
"What," Link hissed back, "is the next chapter going to be?"
Mary Sue giggled and leaned closer to him. "I can't tell you," she said, "But as soon as you drink that coffee, you'll find out! Teehee!" With a blinding flash of light, a shower of sprinkles, and a choir, she disappeared again and time sped up.
"Triple grande no whip soy caramel macchiato," the Starbucks employee handed the drink to Link. Glancing over at Zelda and Malon, who were now chomping on large wads of gum and chattering on their cell phones, he took a sip.
Everything went black.