Chapter Three
The woods grew deeper and darker, as deep, dark woods will often do. Link did not notice this initially. He did realize that he was his frustration was slowly giving way to an overwhelming sense of sadness. He kept glancing down at the ground. It looked so welcoming. He wanted to lay down and cry, but fought the temptation to do so.
It was somewhere around the middle of the deep, dark woods that Link began hearing the voices. They started out with mild accusations - Cari hates you! - that were almost comforting. If Cari had not hated him, surely he would have been doing something wrong. After all, did he really want her approval? Gradually the voices grew more intense - Cari and Cari's friend hate you. Cari and Cari's friend and Zelda all hate you. Cari and Cari's friend and Zelda and everyone you've ever met hate you.
By the time the voices began hauntingly declaring that everyone in the tri-county area hated him, Link had just about had enough. "WHAT is going ON?" he demanded, intermittently capitalizing for emphasis, because he meant it that way.
Nothing answered. Not the voices, not Mary Sue. Where was Mary Sue? Link never thought he would wonder such a thing, but then, nothing had been normal for quite some time. Shouldn't she be around to explain the premise of the next chapter? After all, he had managed to walk into the next chapter while fleeing the self-proclaimed random girls.
"Mary Sue," he said tentatively.
Mary Sue hates you, said the voices.
If only that were true, Link said back to them, in italics.
Mary Sue has left you a gift, said the voices. They threw an iPod at him.
Nothing about this isn't creepy, Link italicized, picking up the iPod. What's this?
Press play, said the voices. Link pressed play. He was surrounded by melodic whining... and... glitter?
"TEEHEE!" Mary Sue giggled, waving from the iPod screen. "I'm down here! GUESS WHERE YOU ARE," she sang.
"Somewhere terrible," Link said hopelessly.
"Hee! Yes!" Mary Sue clapped her hands. "Exactly! Isn't it SO wonderful? For this chapter, you get to be emo and angsty!"
"Whyyyyyy," Link whined. "WHY ME. I HATE MY LIFE."
"Good JOB," gushed Mary Sue. "You're getting the hang of things already! Just a few words of wisdom. If you feel yourself getting TOO happy or optimistic, I've loaded this iPod with hours full of emo music. Just listen to it and cry, and be sad again!"
She vanished.
Link felt sad. He felt misunderstood. He felt like everybody hated him, and he had no friends, and no one understood his pain.
"I hate my life," he whined, and began to cry. He lay down on the ground and clutched the iPod and sobbed. The iPod understood. No one else did. The iPod was his friend. Its shiny surface gleamed up at him in comforting manner. The iPod didn't hate him.
Even though everyone else on the continent does, said the voices.
"I know," sobbed Link. He scrolled through the list of songs on the iPod, finally deciding on Dashboard Confessional. He curled up on the ground and cried. He fell asleep. He dreamed of Mary Sue.
"This won't do," she said. "This won't do at all." She frowned thoughtfully, and looked even more sparkly and beautiful and perfect for it. She sighed dramatically. "I guess it must be done."
"What must be done?" Link asked.
"I'm going to have to cast a spell on you," she said, attempting to sound regretful and failing. "After all, I AM a witch. I went to Hogwarts. Harry Potter is my twin brother, and I'm pregnant with Draco Malfoy's child. Anyway, this spell is necessary for you to experience the next stage in your journey to its fullest. When you wake up, you will be... different," she said vaguely. "And you will be in the first person. 'Kay, BYE!" She showered him with sparkles and disappeared.