A lot had happened in the last few days; so much it made Buffy's head hurt when she went over it. Some kind of super strong demon had thrashed her without breaking a sweat, her sister was the key, and her mother was ill. She hadn't paid Spike a moment of thought since, her mind far too preoccupied. Which was why when the thoughts did finally come to her, they were all the more unwelcome.

And they had come at the worst possible time. Even worse than at all. They had come in the middle of being with Riley. Lying in bed with him now, listening to his soft snoring, she felt ashamed. Spike had managed to dirty the one normal thing in her life with his taunting and his arrogance. She had been so lost in the moment, that when she came, the only thing on her mind was Spike manhandling her. Hell, she had practically been having a rape fantasy. It disturbed her. She'd never had such thoughts before. Well, ok, maybe just the tiniest, smallest thought of such…dark sex, but she'd never had a full blown orgasm while thinking such things.

"I mean, why?! What the hell do I see in him that I can't see?" She couldn't think of any reason she even liked him, let alone loved him. Hell, she didn't like him. She hated him. He pissed her off. He hated her, had tried to kill her, and had tried to kill her family and friends. His very mission statement was to slay her, and only his chip stopped him from trying.

So why did she love him? Or at least think she did...

It was illogical in the extreme. Especially seeing as how she couldn't actually think of a single reason she might have anything but contempt for him. In the privacy of her own mind, she admitted that he was extremely attractive, but she killed attractive vampires all the time, so it shouldn't have any bearing. She wasn't shallow, after all. She was starting to think she might be some kind of pervert though.

But the fact was undeniable. She really, really wished it weren't so, but it is was. She had somehow developed feelings for Spike: love-like feelings. It changed things. Try as she might, she couldn't see him as the black hat he had once been to her. She knew he was evil, but she couldn't help but elevate him to a higher standard in her mind. She knew she'd never be able to kill him, and feared what would happen if she were forced into a situation where she might have to.

Buffy stared at the ceiling, trying to make out patterns in the dark. She sighed deeply. Glancing at the clock next to her bed, she saw it was just after two in the morning. Getting a familiar itch, she closed her eyes and tried to push the blonde vampire from her mind. She slipped out from under the covers and quietly got dressed, quite literally to kill.

She exited her house and headed for one of the cemeteries that was on the opposite side of town from Spikes crypt. She hadn't seen him since her epiphany, but she knew they'd cross paths eventually. He wasn't leaving Sunnydale for some reason, a fact she'd come to accept.

Arriving, she knew it was going to be a busy few short minutes. There were two vampires standing over a grave, obviously waiting for a fledgling to rise.

"Good Mourning?" she quipped. The male pair, dressed in suits, shot around at the sound of her voice. "Or is it still night? I never can tell these days. Keeping a vampire schedule really messes with my internal clock." Snarling, they both rushed her, eager to make a meal of her. She met them both with a split kick to the midsection that sent them reeling backwards. One fell over the tomb they had been waiting at, the other regained its footing and struck again. Buffy side-stepped it and pushed it to the ground, facing it. She sensed the one behind her running, and she thrust her stake under her arm, getting it right in the heart. The one in front of her looked on in terror at the blonde as she twirled her stake around in her hand. Looking at the stake one last time, she looked him in the eye and smiled, then threw the stake at him, getting him right in the heart.

"Just what I needed…" Buffy said with a satisfied smile on her face. She'd been dying to kill something. A sound from behind her jolted her mind back to reality, and she spun around just in time to see a dirt-covered fledgling explode into dust. As he vanished, she could see she smirking form of Spike, holding a stake of his own.

"You should watch it slayer. You might get yourself hurt, walking around alone at night." Thoughts from her dreams rushed back to her, and her heart jumped into her throat. Emotions raged in her as she gazed at Spike, who had just saved her from her own sense of self-satisfaction.

"What the hell are you doing here Spike?" she sighed, breathless, not from the slaying, but from seeing him for the first time since her unwelcome revalation.

"Exactly the same thing as you. Namely, looking to kill things. A good-"

"Spot 'o' violence, blah blah blah," Buffy drawled. "I do it for the good of mankind. You do it to give yourself a-" She snapped her mouth shut, wishing she hadn't said anything. Her cheeks flushed as she thought of the dream she had, where Spike had given her a happy. She'd never be able to separate these concepts, she realised. Anything to do with sex, and Spike would be there in her mind, taunting her…doing other things to her. She shuddered. "Oh my god…"

Spike was looking at her strangely, like she'd just done something to make him incredulous. Buffy's spidy sense tingled as she realised her was reading her. "Oh god…what if he guesses!?" How would he react? He'd been disgusted when he kissed her before (a memory that suddenly caused hurt to be felt), so wouldn't he be horrified to know she had fallen in love with him?

Not waiting to see if he was guessing, Buffy walked away quickly, wishing she'd picked another graveyard. Much to her non-delight, she could hear him following her.

"I hope you realise I just saved your life. I think you owe me something!" Buffy stopped dead in her tracks and shot around.

"What!?" He walked up to her, closing the twenty or so feet between them.

"Yeah, about a hundred quid or so, I recon!"

"Oh! He wants money! Damn it Buffy, why was sex the first thing you thought of?"

"Oh! God, yeah…money…" Buffy scraped together, still trying to sort out her mind. Spikes brows shot up.

"Really?" Buffy blinked in surprise, then realised she had indicated the affirmative. She immediately shook her head.

"No! Spike, I'm not paying you to do my job. Now just…go away!"

"No," he challenged, a seriously displeased look crossing his features.

"What! Why?" Spike got into her face. Oh god, he was so close…something inside Buffy had the urge to grab him and kiss him. Her common sense nearly puked in her brain.

"Are you really that stuck up your own ass?" Buffy gave him a blank look, but realised he was serious. He wasn't playing this time, and was not pleased. "You can't just say the word and make me go away. I'm not one of your sidekicks, and I'm not your remote control soldier," he warned dangerously, fury and bloodlust burning in his eyes. He grabbed her by the shirt, just hard enough to be very uncomfortable, but not quite hard enough to cause her pain. Oh how he wanted to hurt her…he wanted to hear her scream and beg for death. "So don't treat me that way. I'm not gonna be walked on by you, understood?"

His actions took Buffy totally by surprise. Since he'd been chipped, he'd become more and more docile, getting to the point where they actually let him hang out with them a few times during Scoobie meetings. They'd trusted him to lead them into The Initiative. This aggressiveness was a complete turn around on his behaviour to date.

And it drove Buffy wild.

In fact, it was just this sort of roughness that she realised she desired with Riley, but never got. She instantly knew at least one of the reasons she was drawn to Spike. "I…want him to hurt me?"

She nodded in shock, and he released her. Cursing, he stalked away, slinking back into the cemetery and out of sight. Buffy stood there for several minutes, trying to come to terms with a horrid realisation. The proper, prim girl she had once been was trying desperately to fight it, but she already knew it was hopeless, and had known deep down for some time. You can't fight your nature.

She had masochistic tendencies.

She felt mildly ill as she forced herself to admit it. Come on Buffy, say it out loud…

"I…I-I am…" she struggled. "I am a-" She shook her head. "Sooo not saying I'm a masochist out loud and oh my god I just did…" She'd said it. She felt like slapping herself. And she had a twisted…obsession (yes, that was the right word) with her mortal enemy. In fact, he was her arch nemesis if ever she had one. Granted, a neutered, annoying, attractive arch nemesis that couldn't lay a finger on her, but one that screamed danger nonetheless.

And that she couldn't get out of her mind. When he'd grabbed her by the scruff of her collar and pulled her to him, she had felt like letting him take her in the most violent and painful "Pleasurable" way possible. Throwing down her arms and dragging her mind out of the gutter, she went home, suddenly not feeling like patrolling.

"I need to get to sleep."