Well, a much-needed distraction came in the form of Tara's family. So they'd convinced her she was a demon, eh? Sneaky. Well, Spike had shown up for some reason and sorted out the whole mess. That had been peachy. Just at a time when Spike had been in another universe in her mind, he'd shown up and saved the day.

Him! Saved the day! Ok, he'd done it by punching a young woman in the nose, but the end result had been the same. She could tell that everyone had been mildly impressed. It got on her nerves. Buffy decided to concentrate on the battle at hand. Turning her attention to a vampire with a wickedly bad afro, she slipped into casual banter mode.

"Because, ya know, the field of personal hygiene has come a long way since you became a vamp!" Buffy said, following up with a somersault over a tombstone. She brought her stake down on the 70's vampire, but he grabbed her hands and curved the stake inward, using her own strength to drive the stake into her gut.

It was a horrible sensation. She felt the tip go in, and that was ok; it was just like getting a shot. It was the rest that hurt. Starting from a point, it tore her skin into a gaping hole. She could feel the blood well up and trickle down the waistband of her pants.

Looking up, she punched the vampire in the face, knocking him over. Wrenching the stake from her belly, she did the first thing that came to her dazed mind: she ran. The rest happened in a daze-the vamp cornering her against a crypt, readying her own stake for the final plunge-but she knew she was about to die, when all of a sudden a powerful body tackled the vampire, saving her.

Spike! She cried in her head, her eyes rolling into the back of her skull. She slumped down the wall of the mausoleum, holding her wound. She couldn't believe it. Spike had saved her again. She just might give him money this time. She actually felt grateful he was there. She swore when this was over she was going to civilly thank him.

"Buffy, are you ok?" came an American voice. She opened her eyes, her heart falling when she realised it was Riley who had saved her. A wave of guilt washed over her as she realised a number of things. She'd just wished Spike had saved her instead of him. She also realised that she preferred Spike to Riley, for some ungodly reason. The most important was that she was being grossly unfair to her boyfriend. She realised she'd been neglecting him, but she wasn't sure she wanted to stop. She hadn't noticed her lack of feeling for him. He was…nice. She liked having him around. But only when she wanted. With Spike…well, he was always there when you wished he wasn't, and…actually, she couldn't think of a time she had wanted him around.

"I'm actually sick. I have some illness. I'm mooning over someone I really shouldn't be, for reasons I don't understand, when I've a perfectly nice, normal boyfriend-" That's when it struck her. Normal…

"…But I'm not normal…Stop it Buffy! I can't believe you're even considering breaking up with him!"

"But why shouldn't you consider it?" came another voice. Great, now she was debating with herself.

"Because he doesn't deserve it!"

"But not because you don't want to?" Buffy felt oddly empty inside at the knowledge she agreed with the other voice.

"…No. Can't I just…lie?"

"You know that's wrong. And it won't work in the long run. Or even the middle run."

"…I know. But what's the alternative? Say Riley, you're nice and all, but I'm obsessed with Spike?"

"Oh, so you're admitting it out loud now?" taunted the voice. Buffy knew she had caught herself out. She actually felt creepy chills run down her spine as the words echoed in her head, but they were true, and she could deny it no longer, even superficially. Not when she was lying to Riley as well as herself.

"I'm obsessed with Spike," Buffy muttered forlornly to herself. As much as she hated the very idea, it felt good getting it off her chest. After all, wasn't the first step to recovery admitting you had a-

"What?" Horrified, she looked into the eyes of her boyfriend, who had heard her mutter those forbidden words. She hadn't meant to say it outloud.

"Huh? Did I say something?" she said painfully, wincing as she lied to him. He thought the wince was due to the wound she received. Riley shook his head.

"No. Come on, we've gotta get you to a hospital."

-----

"I still think you need to see a real doctor," said Riley as he packed up the medical kit. Buffy pulled her beige top down over the bandages that were wrapped around her waist.

"Relax. Slayer healing powers, remember? Besides, seeing a real doctor would put me in a real hospital, and mom would get worried. That's the last thing she needs right now."

"Yeah…" Buffy furrowed her brow as she could tell something was bothering him. She rested her hand on his reassuringly, but he pulled away. She knew what she had said, and he obviously knew too, so she decided to drop false pretences. After all she'd done to him, he deserved it. "Look, about what I said, back there? I-it was-"

"It's ok Buffy," he said, flashing her a reassuring smile. "You were badly wounded. You were just mumbling. It could have happened to anyone." She looked him in the eyes, and she knew he was just being gentlemanly. They both knew damn well she had been speaking the truth, though he obviously didn't understand how she'd arrived at the place she was in.

It made her feel worse. He was still willing to forgive her? Even though he knew what she had said? Yes. He was willing to permanently overlook the fact that she didn't love him, because he loved her. She sadly shook her head.

"No…thank you for saying that…you don't know how much it means…but I'm being unfair to you. I've only just realised it…but you've known for a while, haven't you?" Looking away at first, then down, he settled on looking right at Buffy.

"I love you Buffy. But you can't help that I'm not enough for you. I'm not sure what you want, but I am sure I can't give it. I don't hold it against you at all, ok? I'll stand by you if you want me to."

It was one of the most romantic things she'd ever heard…but it didn't cause her feelings of romantic love. She cupped his cheek with her hand and gently kissed him.

"I'm so sorry." She steadied herself. She had to be strong. She knew she had to do this. "I'm leaving you." She watched his face closely, seeing the almost imperceptible facial movements that betrayed his emotions. "Do you understand?" After a long while, he slowly nodded.

"I understand it needs to be done. This relationship…it isn't going anywhere. But like I said…I'll be here for you if you need me." His voice was distant and melancholy.

"Do…you wanna talk about it?" Buffy asked gingerly. Licking his lips to restore some moisture, he nodded.

"Yeah. You mentioned Spike. What's up there?" he asked conversationally, changing his tone.

"I'm not sure you really want to hear it…"

"No, I do. I'm ok to hear it. Besides, if something is bothering you, I want to help."

"That…selfless bastard. Why can't he be enough? I want him to be enough so badly, but he isn't…oh Buffy, you have really screwed yourself over this time."

"If you're sure..." Buffy said. He nodded, and she took a breath, and began to pour her heart out to her former lover.

If you've made it this far, thank you! The next chapter is the good one, the one you've all (hopefully) been waiting for. I'm just debating the ending, so it should be up just after new year. Please review. I'm very interested about reactions to my style of writing. Even if you don't like the plot or think the fic isn't going anywhere, I'd really like some input into my style. I'm working hard to improve it.