When I got back to the Cohen's, I had to walk all the way through the house to find anyone. When I got to the kitchen, I saw Sandy and Seth outside, throwing a tennis ball for Penny Lane. I leaned against the counter watching the men laugh as Penny would sometimes jump in the pool, splashing them both. A warm presence filled me with a distinct comfort and I turned to see that Kirsten had joined me, leaning against the granite countertop. The silence wasn't an unbearable kind. It was the kind where I, and I'm sure Kirsten as well, anticipated what the other would say.

"How was your visit?" And there it was. Kirsten spoke with words, tugging at my mind for an answer. "It was nice…" I noticed Kirsten nodding in the corner of my eye, still looking outside as I was. There were so many things on my mind these days. Questions I wanted answers to, situations I wanted the power to deal with. To tell you the truth, I can't handle this anymore. I turned slowly to Kirsten and she turned to me, with a soft smile curling her lips. "What…do you think it will be like…if this never happened?"

I looked down, a little embarrassed with my question. Seriously, it sounded like I was a 5 year old asking where babies come from. Kirsten sighed, and kept her sweet smile on, probably for the sake of my sensitivity to the subject. "Well sweetie, I don't know. I guess, Ryan would be happier then he is now…hell, maybe all off us would be a little happier." She finished and looked back out to the backyard. I can't help but wonder, would I still be this confused about my life if nothing ever happened to Marissa? If she was ok, would I still be unsure of my relationship with Seth?

Our thoughts were soon interrupted by a slight slam of the front door. The footsteps were loud, made in quick and heavy thumps. Both Kirsten and I turned to see Ryan walk into the kitchen, dropping his keys on the counter and his briefcase by the table. He ran his hand through his hair and finally looked up. "Oh, hey." I smirked. "We were actually making a bet on how long it would take you to notice us." He grunted. "Very funny Summer, good to see you haven't lost your humor these days."

I walked over to him and gave him a hug. When I let go, I saw Seth and Sandy come it and smile at Ryan's presence. "Dude, you came!" Seth said, giving Ryan one of those manly handshakes/hugs. Whatever guys do, it's what they did. "Sorry I'm late." Ryan said with a sigh. Seth crossed his arms, looking interested in Ryan's tone of voice. "So works been sucking, eh?" Ryan nodded. Sandy put his arms up in defeat. "Good to know both of my sons hate their jobs." Ryan looked over to Seth quick, squinting his eyes. "You don't like your job?"

Here we go again. "I want to do my own thing, you know?" God, yes, he only mentions this every month. "I have a convention to go speak at next Saturday that I really don't want to do. And it's not because I'm nervous, it's because I hate the game I'm promoting." Sandy shrugged. "Suck it up son, unless…you're going to quit." Kirsten put one hand on her hip and stared at Sandy, which made him raise his eyebrows like he always did. "Hun, I don't say that stuff just to make you squirm. I want him to like what he's doing." Ryan looked up, the rings around his eyes I could see now; his face was covered in stubble. He was never the type to grow a beard, but he also had a buzz cut, and we never thought he would do that either. "Guys, who cares." And it was that simple, all he had to do was say three words, give a look, and bam, we were ready to eat dinner.

After dinner, we all sat outside drinking some coffee Sandy had made quickly. I had Seth's jacket around me because my arms were sensitive to the slight breeze in the air. We had caught up on what everyone has been doing this past week. I told them about my job as did Ryan and Seth. We talked about college stories, one of how I was locked out of my sorority house in the pouring rain, coming back from a fraternity's "Roman Orgy" party. Kirsten was laughing with tears creeping from the corner of her eyes. "Let me get this straight…they locked you out of the house…in the pouring rain…and you were in a toga?" Again, she laughed and tried to cover her mouth to control it. I slapped my palm against my knee and laughed. "They did it on purpose!" Sandy shook his head, and Seth was trying to swallow his coffee without spiting it out all over the place.

Ryan spoke up and smiled. "Wrong night to where a toga." I nodded and spoke. "Well, they caught me off guard, that's for sure." Silence came again and we all relaxed. I looked across the table at Seth and I caught his eye, but broke the glance. It felt almost wrong to look over at him. We have been drifting apart with our jobs and two years ago, we ran into other issues. I was pregnant. That's right, pregnant. But there were some complications…and I lost the baby two and a half months along. We don't talk about it, but no one else knows but us. I remember thinking after it happened…nothing really goes right for anymore.

"Well." We all looked over to Ryan standing and giving a brief look at his watch. "I better get going." Sandy stood up and put an arm around him. "Aw, so soon kid?" It was true; it was only eight o'clock…barely. We could usually spend hours talking. That was just how the Cohen family was. "Yeah, I have to look over a property tomorrow morning with this new developer we've hired." Sandy hugged him and stood back. "Ok then." And Seth and I gave Ryan a quick hug. When I pulled away, I caught Ryan's eye, but he looked away, over to Kirsten. Something wasn't right, but this wasn't the time to ask him.

Later that night, I curled up on Seth's old bed after reading the People Magazine and closed me eyes. I could hear the shower turn off in the hallway bathroom and Seth came in a few minutes later with a towel wrapped around his waist. He sat on the edge of his bed and took another towel to his hair, giving it rough scrubs to get rid of the dampness. "Do you think Ryan was ok tonight?" He shrugged, still drying his hair. "What do you mean?" I sighed, of course he wouldn't understand. "He seemed a little distant when he left." Seth threw the towel over by his door and picked up his boxers, sliding them on under his towel. I have to say it kind of hurt me…that we can't be as open as we used to. I mean, we acted this way only in Newport, but in Malibu, we were very close. It's hard to explain.

"I think he's ok…" I nodded and layed back down, my back to him, not to be rude, just because I have grown accustomed to sleeping that way. "I mean, if you think…" I interrupted him and waved my hand in the air. "It's nothing; I guess it's just me." I closed my eyes and felt Seth scoot closer to me under the covers but never actually bringing his body to touch mine. After that…I fell into a deep dream…