Now, what you've all been waiting for… Actually, no, you all probably haven't been waiting for this, but anyway… It's the final chapter of Tugging on a Rope! Who will win? Who will fall? Why am I asking these pointless questions? Ah well. Here are the reviewer responses.

steelelf: Yes. I hate excessive profanity, and I also do not know exactly what slash is, so I guess I'm safe. I put the joke of Boromir humming the James Bond theme because the actor who played Boromir was in a James Bond film. Of course, I haven't really seen any of the Bond movies, so I don't know which one, but ah well. Thanks for the review!

Princess of Ithilien: Yeah, your stories are random. And funny. I hope I continue to do my job well. Because this is what I'm getting paid to—No, wait, no one pays me. Never mind.

ArodieltheElfofRohan: That was actually a joke on Monty Python and the Holy Grail, with King Arthur getting the Black Rider and the Black Knight confused. Thanks for the idea for the piñata, but, sadly, I had already written the chapter by the time I read it, so I couldn't use it. But thank you for the idea! It's a great one!

July 47th: Faramir's speech was a rip off of a speech he gives in The Two Towers Expanded Edition involving a dead Easterling soldier. And yes, this story is pointless. I guess that's what makes it so funny. Or so stupid. Or both.

There's a fine line between funny and stupid, people. I like to run out and smudge the line while laughing maniacally. It really helps if you're depressed.

And now, the final chapter begins!

"It all started when I was born."

Pippin took a deep breath. He had never thought he would be able to come clean about his deepest, darkest secret. But now, as Merry and he walked through the plains of Rohan, he felt the need to burst it out.

"My mom never hugged me. All of my cousins hated me. They always called me names and made fun of the fact that I got 'melon' and 'mellon' confused. So I started this hobby, so I would have something to do."

Merry nodded, listening intently. Actually, he wasn't listening intently, but he looked like he was, and it's the thought that counts. Or something like that.

Pippin continued. "So, as my hobby, I started collecting..." He paused for dramatic effect. "Movie soundtracks."

Merry gasped. "No!"

"Yes! It's true! I'm a film score nerd!" Pippin burst into tears. "I'm so glad I came out and said it! I feel so much better now! I'm so glad you're here, Merry!"

"No, not that, Pip. Isn't that Aragorn?"

Pippin dried his eyes and then stared where Merry was pointing. Sure enough, Aragorn stood in the middle of the tall grass, tugging on a rope. He seemed to be saying something to himself. Pippin dashed towards him, followed by Merry. "Aragorn! Aragorn! How are you?!"

But the future King of Gondor ignored them. Merry furrowed his brow. "Now isn't that odd?" Merry whipped out a guitar. "Maybe playing a tune on this here rock guitar will help him."

A bald guy appeared. "No, Charlie. You can't have your drugs."

"What? Locke? What the heck are you doing here?"

A sniper shot Locke, who collapsed in great pain. "Ow…Blow open the hatch…It's the only…hope…"

"Whatever." Merry turned back to Aragorn. "So, Aragorn, why are you tugging on the rope?"

Aragorn tugged on the rope. "I must tug on the rope. I must."

Pippin shrugged. "I don't think he's going to tell us anything, Merry."

Two horses approached from the horizon. Merry squinted in their direction. "Why, I do believe that is Eomer and Théoden riding towards us."

Sure enough, Eomer and Théoden rode up to them, positioned on their steeds. The King of Rohan and his nephew dismounted and studied Aragorn. Théoden sighed. "It was as I feared. Aragorn is in a state of madness. His ship is unsinkable, even if it was hit by an iceberg while Kate Winslett and Leonardo DiCapario danced to Irish music in the Third Class." He jumped back on his horse. "Ah well. Farewell, everyone."

He galloped away on his horse, followed by Eomer, who once again forgot his own steed and went on foot. Merry furrowed his brow again. "What was the point of that visit?"

Pippin thought for a moment. "I guess it was for the author to put in a really lame reference to the movie Titanic." Suddenly Pippin's eyes fell on the grand piano sitting on the grass. "Ah! A piano! I will recreate music from my favorite film scores!"

But Eomer's horse, at that very moment, rammed into Pippin, sending him plunging off the cliff that happened to be nearby. Merry jumped after him. "Pippin! I think we've found another shortcut to mushrooms!"

Aragorn, oblivious to all around him, continued tugging on the rope. "I must tug on the rope. I must."

Arwen strode to him, her graceful steps gracefully full of grace. She held up a colorful piñata of a horse. "Now I shall draw your attention with this piñata."

"Wait." The piñata gazed up at her with sad eyes. "You don't want to break me open. I'm a magical piñata. I will grant you three wishes."

Arwen raised her eyebrows. "This seems like a trick of Sauron. And isn't this making a mockery of the commercial for Viva Piñata?"

"Yes, except I actually grant you wishes. What's your first wish?"

"Hmmmm…" Arwen put a hand on her chin. "I wish I had a dad who isn't so ugly."

"Done. Tom Cruise is now your dad."

"Hurray!" Arwen thought for a little longer. "I also wish for a popsicle. Grape-flavored."

A purple popsicle popped into her hand. She beamed. "Yippee!"

As she sucked on her popsicle, she thought about her third wish. What would she wish for? A giant billboard? Lots of money? Sacred marriage? She glanced at Aragorn. She could wish for him to stop tugging on the rope.

The piñata coughed. "Ahem."

"Oh. Right." She took a deep breath, hoping she had made the right choice. "I wish for…the One Ring!"

"Done."

The Ring landed in her hand. She admired it. "It's the One Ring to Rule Them All. It's my own. My precious."

The piñata hurried away. "Quick, before the author uses me for something stupid!"

Arwen slipped the Ring on and disappeared. "Ha hah ha hah ha hah ha! I have the One Ring! I claim its power! I am the ruler of Middle-Earth!"

Gollum leapt at her. "No! The precious is mine!"

The two tussled on the ground. Aragorn continued to tug on the rope, now whistling a slightly Western melody with a mix of Christmas-y sounds. Gollum somehow stole the Ring and put it on. Arwen bit his finger off, claiming the Ring for her own. Gollum stumbled off the edge of the cliff. Arwen held up the Ring. "I now rule all!"

Just when it seemed all had turned to darkness, Pandalf the Pink dashed towards Arwen. He rammed into her, knocking the Ring from her grasp. A clone of Pippin jumped to the piano and started to play triumphant music. Aragorn joined with his whistling, and the two produced a beautiful medley of instrument and voice. Arwen fell to her knees. "No! I could have rulled the world! NOOOOOOO!"

The grammar police came and arrested Arwen for misspelling 'ruled.' Odd, since they're the grammar police, you think they wouldn't arrest people for spelling mistakes. Definitely odd, and curious at that.

Pandalf vanished into thin air. Pippin's clone took a swan dive off the cliff edge. Soon only Aragorn remained, tugging on the rope. "I must tug on the rope. I must."

Dr. Phil walked up to Aragorn. "Aragorn, I think you have a problem in your life."

The same sniper who shot Locke targeted Dr. Phil and fired. However, Dr. Phil had Matrix-like skills, so he dodged the sniper's bullet. "Looks like I have a person to defeat." Dr. Phil sprouted a cape and flew away. "Oprah, here I come!"

A penguin waddled up. The Arctic bird went to the piano and started to play a version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." This caused a mass of people to crowd around, admiring the penguin's remarkable skill, made even more remarkable because the penguin had no fingers. Shaken from his dream-like state, Aragorn stopped tugging on the rope.

"Hey, I just remembered. I have to go become the King of Gondor and kill tons of Orcs."

He drew his really, really long sword. "To Minas Tirith! To the White City!" He charged off into the sunset. This was very weird because it was noon and the sun was high in the sky. Ah well. I guess Aragorn is just very, very talented.

And so ended the saga of Aragorn tugging on the rope. But just as the lights were about to dim, the penguin ripped off its disguise to reveal…a cloaked figure! The crowd gasped. The cloaked figure chuckled. "I've been waiting forever for this moment! It's time for you to die, Aragorn!" He looked around. "Wait! Where did he go?"

One of the members of the crowd spoke. "He left."

"Oh butterscotch!" The cloaked figure disappeared, but not before leaving a warning. "I'll get you some day, Aragorn! Some day! Some day!"

So ends Tugging on a Rope. Sorry if it all seemed random and a little confusing. This was mostly thought up on the spot. I'm hoping to expand this story into several more short stories. I would like to say a special thanks to Prince of Ithilien, who I ripped off a few ideas from. You should check out her stories. They're really funny.

And now, for the End Credits.

Created, written and directed by Mister Frodo

Based on characters created by J.R.R. Tolkien, Mister Frodo, and other people I don't know

Starring…

Lots of people as themselves

With a special guest appearances from The End as the cloaked figure

And Bill as the sniper

Special Thanks to…

God (for creating me)

My family (for supporting me)

My older sister (for her great sense of humor and for a few good ideas)

My cousins (for playing with me)

Peter Jackson (for making the Lord of the Rings movies)

J.R.R. Tolkien (for writing the Lord of the Rings books)

Mrs. Ronie Kendig (for teaching me how to write)

Also, I would like to thank all of things I ripped off: Pirates of the Caribbean, James Bond, Happy Feet, That Thing You Do, Forrest Gump, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Lost, Titanic, and, of course, the Lord of the Rings movies

I would also like to thank all of the reviewers:

Skittle Trees Exist: I'm sad you only reviewed once. But that's okay. Was it because I said you poem didn't rhyme? Because I can take it back! I can!

ArodieltheElfofRohan: Taught me that there are Elves in Rohan. Also had a great idea for the final chapter that I sadly could not use.

Katerina17: Had a good point. Is Aragorn obsessive-compulsive? Or is he just misunderstood? I smell a sequel…

Princess of Ithilien: I ripped off a few of her jokes. I hope she doesn't mind. I also hope that she is a she. It does say Princess of Ithilien, but with gender, you can never be too sure…

Ulaire: Another great reviewer who really encourage me as I wrote the story.

July 47th: Called my story the most pointless thing he/she has ever read. Thankfully, it was meant as a compliment. I think.

steelelf: Seemed glad I didn't write slash or use a lot of profanity. Which is good. It seems like I'm doing my job.

And, of course, I would like to thank everyone who read this story.

Hope you enjoyed the story

God Bless!

Note: This is a work of fiction. All characters, names, organizations, piñatas, and settings are created by the author or used fictionally. Any similarities between these and real life people are completely accidental.