Thanks to Amenti, whiskeygurl007 and tenniskock for reviewing:) This chapter continues with the loss of Lily's parents. I'm sorry if it drags on but I tried to make it as realistic as possible and anyone who has lost someone will know that it does take a long time to recover from. However, next chapter will be all about Lily and James. In answer to Amenti's comment/question, yes you were right, I had made a mistake there are I have re-posted the chapter with the corrections so it makes sense. Thanks for letting me know :) And sorry if it's a bit sad, hopefully not too much so!

---

Ch 8: The Grief Cycle

Lily worked as hard as ever and to most people it seemed as if she had recovered amazingly. But Marly was worried. Really worried. It was not like Lily at all to avoid problems in the hope that they went away. Marly was anxious that her parents death had affected her worse that she had thought. Her denial was so deep that Marly feared it would take a great deal to pull her from it.

It was as if Lily was carved out of stone. She wandered the hallways of the castle, her eyes blank, her face unmoving. Marly would have been relieved if Lily had shown some form of grief or sorrow or anger but nothing. She didn't talk and she still didn't eat. Thankfully Madame Pomfrey still had her on meal supplement potions to keep up her physical strength.

In class, Lily was silent, scribbling down notes and listening to her professors but her usual enthusiasm and interest was gone. And what worried Marly most of all was her barrier. Since the day after the news, Lily had slowly pushed away everyone who loved and cared for her. With each passing day she became more and more distant.

After a week of being back in classes, Lily was exiting the charms room when James stopped her. She still hadn't spoken to him since that night and turned around when he grabbed her arm. Marly wasn't doing charms this year and was nowhere to be seen.

"Lily, can I talk to you?" James spoke quietly and concern radiated from his hazel eyes.

Lily shrugged emotionlessly and allowed him to lead her into a deserted corridor.

"How are you coping?" I wasn't the best start and it was a rather stupid question since he already knew the answer but he had to start somewhere. Lily shrugged again.

"Please, Lily. Talk to me." James begged when she continued to stare at him blankly. She still hadn't moved and her hand hung limply in his.

"I know you've been through a lot Lily and I can't even begin to understand how you feel. But you can't block out everyone who cares about you. Clara and Natalie are really concerned about you and Marly is beside herself with worry. And I'm really worried about you too. You can't avoid the truth and hope it goes away. You have to face it sooner or later and the longer you leave it the harder it will be. There are so many people to support you and help you get through this and who just want to see you happy again. It's not going to be easy but there is no way around it."

Lily continued to stare at the floor but this time her eyes were filled with tears. She already knew all this but it made it real having it put so bluntly. Denying that anything had happened didn't make the truth go away. The pain was washing over her again like it had on the first night. Gently, James lifted Lily's chin so he could look her in the eyes. Tears spilled down her cheeks and white hot pain shot through her body. James hugged her tightly and Lily felt every emotion rush back to her. The intensity nearly bowled her over but James held her upright.

Her heart was breaking again but for the first time in so long she felt safe. Safe with James' arms wrapped tightly around her like he was never going to let her go. Then the guilt came. The guilt of everything she had put so many people through.

"I'm so sorry. For everything." Lily sobbed into James' robes. James soothed Lily and patted her back while she continued sobbing. It was just like that night when he had held her as she cried, so fragile and in so much pain.

Someone coughed loudly and James looked around quickly. A very confused Marly had been watching the whole scene unfold and shot James a puzzled, worried and slightly hostile look. She was anxious about what James had said or done but on the other hand was relieved that Lily seemed to have accepted the tragedy. Slowly, Lily lifted her head and her eyes met Marly's. Then without a second of thought, Lily ran to her and flung her arms around her neck.

"I'm so sorry Marly! And thank you for everything." Lily clung to her tightly and James looked uncomfortable.

"It's okay. I can take it from here." Marly mouthed at him and he nodded and turned to leave. Gently, Marly steered Lily up to the Dormitory. They still had an hour before their next class.

---

Marly had thought that Lily's reaction had been a break through, a sign that she was making progress. And maybe she was but it was not easy for anybody while she made her way to recovery. Her guilt and sadness of earlier was nothing compared to what came.

"Why them?" Lily roared as she stomped around the dormitory. Marly was standing by the door looking scared. Sure anger was part of the grief cycle but Lily was taking it to the extreme. In a matter of minutes, Lily had gone from complete denial to guilt to rage that matched that of an angry Hungarian Horntail.

"What did they ever do to deserve to die? What did I do? Am I a bad person? Was it my fault they died?" Lily was crying again. No, howling was probably a more appropriate word. Along with her anger, sadness had returned too.

"It's not fair! They weren't supposed to die!" Lily picked up the water jug from her bedside table and hauled it at the wall. Marly flinched but didn't move. A black ball shot out the door. Hecate was making an escape while she still could.

"I hate them! I hate them for dying and leaving me here by myself! I hate them for giving up and not fighting harder!" Her anger was back with a vengeance. With the speed of a cheetah, Lily was throwing anything she could get her hands on. There went Clara's clock, a book, a plate, Natalie's lamp, a glass of water, Lily's china ornament, a photo frame, another book. If she could have picked up the bed, Marly was sure she would have thrown that as well.

"I hate them I hate them I hate them!" Lily screamed as she frantically attacked her bed. Punching with the force of a giant, Lily pounded her pillow for all she was worth. Her anger was astounding and it was unbearable for Marly to watch her friend in so much pain.

"I hate them!" Lily howled, her voice choked with tears. Her anger had melted like an ice cream in the sun. She collapsed on her bed and cried and cried and cried. Marly walked over to her and wrapped her arms around her.

"Sssshhhhh." Marly soothed as an avalanche of tears fell from Lily's eyes. Now the guilt was pouring in at a great rate.

"It's all my fault!" She sobbed, "I'm a bad person and they had to pay for it. I should have died instead. They shouldn't have died!" Lily was still in hysterics and she felt as if a knife had been plunged into her chest, the pain was so bad.

"Lily, you're not a bad person, don't you ever think that." Marly was crying now too. She couldn't stand to see Lily like this and it tore her apart. "What happened was an accident and there was nothing you could do. You are a good person and you aren't responsible for what happened in any way, shape or form. It's not fair but there is nothing you could have done." Marly tried to talk some sense into her still sobbing friend but it had little effect. But she had to get through to her.

"It's not your fault. It just happened. It was an accident, a mistake."

Minutes passed and Lily's hysteria subsided. Her tears lessened, her anger had evaporated into thin air but her guilt lingered.

"God, what's happening to me? I'm like an out-of-control monster or a hurricane, leaving a trail of destruction everywhere I go, hurting everyone I love most." A single tear trailed down Lily's face.

Marly reached out and grabbed Lily's hand. She squeezed it gently and whispered, "It'll be okay, Lils."

---

The rest of the afternoon passed in a blur for Lily. She barely remembered anything from double herbology. And before she knew it, she was back in her dormitory after dinner.

Lily sat on her bed with Marly next to her in silence. The room was deserted and Lily was glad that she didn't have to explain to Clara and Natalie too. Lily had confided a lot in Marly today but there was one subject that had been left untouched and Lily could tell that Marly was desperate to ask her about it. Deciding to put her out of her misery, Lily broke the silence.

"He was there that night." Lily said simply when she looked up to see Marly's questioning eyes. She was referring to James and what had happened earlier that day. "He found me in a terrible state and he took care of me. He took me somewhere, I'm not sure exactly, he said something about a room that turned into anything. And, I don't know, he was different. Kind, caring, almost…well…nice."

Marly looked surprised but didn't interrupt. When Lily didn't continue, Marly spoke.

"Is that all?" Marly could tell there was something more but Lily was giving nothing away.

"Umm, yes. That was it." Lily said shakily, not meeting her eye. Normally Marly would have pestered her until she answered but Lily was still too fragile. She didn't want to upset her anymore.

"And how are you now?" Marly asked cautiously. She didn't know whether Lily was ready to talk about her parents yet. And she didn't want to trigger another outburst like before.

"I'm not so sure really. Confused, I guess. And sad still, of course. I miss them so much. And I'm worried about Petunia but I'm scared to contact her. I'm scared of what she'll say and I'm scared she will still hate me. I guess I just need time." Lily spoke softly. "I'm sorry for all I put you through. It's just such a huge thing to process."

"Oh, Lily!" Marly hugged her again. "Don't worry about it. You're getting better now and that's all that matters. And eventually the pain will lessen and maybe even one day you will laugh at your memories of them instead of cry." Marly understood well, having lost her own father at a young age.

"Just remember, Lil. I am always here for you if you need someone to talk to." Marly continued earnestly.

"You're the best Marly!" For the first time in over a month Lily managed a small smile. It wasn't much but at least it was real.

"I missed you Lily! It's good to have you back!" Marly pulled Lily into another tight hug. It took Lily a moment to recognise the foreign emotion that had arisen inside her. Happiness. She was far from recovered but she was slowly getting there. Her journey of the grief cycle was far from over. She had suffered shock and disbelief, than denial in a big way, depression came with that, then rage overwhelmed her before guilt set in. Now she was on her way to acceptance and moving on to the long road of recovery. But she had friends who loved her, and right then, that meant everything to her.