Warning Riku says "Oh, my God!" an obscene number of times… and those with weak constitutions and/or those unable to take an extreme dose of corniness should not read the following…

Oh, and Disney and Square Enix are both maintaining their death grips on the exclusive ownership of Kingdom Hearts… unfortunately

And, as a minor note… Axel rocks! (even if I don't include him in the story) I love you, Axel!

The Beauty of the Internet

Riku ignored the chime announcing that LordofDarkness002 had signed onto the internet; he would rather cut himself than talk to Ansem right now. Not that he had sunk to those depths of emo-ness… yet. His wrists were still free of scars.

He quickly pecked into the keyboard the address to the World Wide Web's greatest tool: Google. From the acidity of mountain lakes in the summertime to Maleficent's latest scandal, anything could be found on Google. That omniscience would surely extend to Sora's journey, Riku reasoned. Within a few seconds, he had located and punched in the keys and begun the search.

"Let's see…" he murmured aloud after the results returned. "Sofa cushions… soda sales… Sara Teasdale… crap! I forgot those stupid quotation marks!" He rectified his mistake and began the search anew. "Okay! Sora… Sora… yaoi? What is that?"

Curiosity peaked, he clicked the link, the tick of the mouse echoing ominously throughout the room. His eyes bulged in disbelief as the site finished downloading.

"Oh, my God! What the fuck is Sora… Wait! That's me! What the hell!"

The hapless teenager had inadvertently wandered into one of the infinite sites dedicated to praising the romantic relationship between him and his best friend Sora. Fate, however, had been kind enough not to take him to one with carnal images.

"Oh, my God! These freaks think I'm gay! For Sora! Oh, my God! Crap!" he exclaimed as he realized his horrified grip on his hair had been too much. A small chunk of his torn hair writhed in agony between his fingers. "My hair…"

"How could this have happened? I haven't seen Sora since Traverse Town… I haven't even sent him a letter or anything! Where did these pictures come from? I have never kissed Sora in my life! What is that? Oh, my God! Is that tongue! I think I'm going to be sick…"

He rushed to his attached bathroom and gripped the sides of the sink with shocked repulsion. His head bent over the sink slightly as he tried to get a grip on himself. So somebody out there thought he was gay. So what? He didn't need their opinion to live life how he wanted. Hell, no! Let them think what they want about him. And Sora? Sora was such an airhead that he probably wouldn't know what this meant even if he Riku went and smacked him one on the lips now.

Thus decided, Riku returned to his computer with more grace than when he had left it. He chose to look down upon the site with smug pity. He nearly fell out of the chair laughing at the sight of an image of himself with Sora's keyblade against his neck as Sora licked his cheek with possessive dominance. As if Sora could ever match him in combat! Catch him in such a position! Ha! And then, to top it all off, Sora would act superior like that? Right… That'll happen. Sora becoming part of Bob would happen far sooner than this ever would!

Still chuckling, he scrolled down to the latest image in the gallery. Riku was standing over a sort of smooth table that had Sora's face rippled across it; the older teen's head was bent over the surface, white hair hiding his face.

"Hey! That looks like… wasn't I… Oh, my God! That's me not five minutes ago! Someone's taking pictures of me from my own room! One of these fucking freaks is stalking me!" His oceanic eyes were larger even than the eyes of Tohru Honda when she's surprised. His eyes shrank immediately as a suspicious thought crossed his mind. The stalker could be in the room at this very moment. Waiting… Watching… Camera at the ready.

"I wonder if I could get copies of these pictures," Riku said rather loudly, baiting the mysterious stalker. Hopefully, this non sequitur would ease the stalker and throw him off the scent. Just one noise. That was all Riku needed. One sound.

He moved his hands sporadically about his desk, knocking a pen onto the floor. He rose from his chair, eyes focused on the fallen pen, attention focused on the slightest sign of the culprit. He crouched down and picked up the object when he heard an almost inaudible click of a shutter.

"Ah ha!" he exclaimed proudly, leaping to his feet and hurling his pen like a throwing knife in the direction of the sound, all in one smooth, rapid motion. He turned to the sight of a strange man standing upside-down on the ceiling.

The strange man caught the pen deftly with one hand, the other occupied with holding the camera. The man returned Riku's look with his one good eye, seeing as how the other was covered with an eye patch, and smirked. Before the teen could say a word, the man disappeared into a black portal unlike any he had seen before.

"Damn it! Who was that freak! How did he get in here?" Riku grumbled, returning to his chair. "I better tell Maleficent later…"

Having looked at all the fanciful pictures of him and Sora, Riku looked to the other features on the site. It obviously specialized in these… yaoi galleries. The others were of Axel and Demyx, Zexion and Demyx, Axel and Marluxia, Saïx and Xaldin, and Goofy and Donald.

"Wait a minute! Did that just say Goofy and Donald? Aren't they a duck and… some kind of dog? Bestiality! Damn, that's disgusting!" Even morbid curiosity couldn't bring him to click on that link.

On the homepage, flashy letters announced that a hopeful new addition was coming soon, pairing Sora up with Sephiroth.

"Oh, my God! Sephiroth and Sora! That's just… that's just… that's so wrong I can't even describe how wrong it is! Oh, my God! Sora! And Sephiroth! Why am I getting so upset about this? It's not like it's real or anything… and even if it were… I wouldn't be upset about it. I don't care. I don't care who this freak pairs Sora up with… It's all the product of a twisted, sick imagination anyway…" he reasoned, trying to recover his nonchalant cool. Determined not to care, he scrolled down past this notice, overlooking the message board that had sprouted from this announcement. "Who's taking credit for this nightmare? There must be somebody… Ah ha!"

Apparently, the maker was quite proud of this site for the name was displayed rather largely in calligraphy. This site was copyrighted by Mansex. Mansex? Though obviously fitting for a yaoi site operator, what kind of a name was that?

Riku nearly leaped out of his skin at the sound of a chime, proclaiming that Ansem had finally noticed that Riku was online and that he wished to communicate.

"So how did your shopping excursion with Sephiroth turn out?" his message read.

"What, Sephiroth hasn't already told you yet?" he typed back despite himself.

"Well… Sephiroth doesn't like talking to me much… He seems to think I'm some kind of disgrace to the reputation of evil villains everywhere… and he thinks I'm trying to copy his look… Go figure."

"Sounds right to me."

"Whatever… what are you up to right now? Are you planning on confronting Sora sometime soon?"

"Ansem, that's none-" Riku stopped his sentence as slow realization dawned on him. Ansem. Mansex. Ansem. Mansex. A-N-S-E-M. If he were to rearrange those letters and add an X, his name would spell Mansex. Ansem was the perverted freak! That guy with the eye patch must be one of his new lackeys! He backspaced his previous letters and typed in, "Ansem, you sick bastard! You're the one that made that site!"

"What the hell are you talking about? What site?"

"As if you don't know! I know you're Mansex!"

Several minutes passed before Ansem replied with, "What?"

"You're using that guy with the eye patch to snap pictures of me!"

"Guy with… Riku, did you fall down in the shower again?"

"No, I didn't!" he furiously pecked back. "Why? Are you saying you aren't Mansex?"

"Riku, are you sure you didn't fall down in the shower, run into that sliding glass door, or walk in on Maleficent undressing? Because those are the only logical reasons I can think of as to why you're being so weird. Unless you've just spent too much time around Sephiroth and have finally gone off the deep end, too."

"I'm not insane." Without another word, Riku logged off and shut down the computer. Exasperated, he crossed his arms over the desk and let his head collapse into that pillow of flesh. From beneath those ivory locks, his ears twitched at the sinister click of a camera shutter.

"I swear I will kill you Mansex, whoever and wherever you are! Even if my legs are chopped off, my throat cut, and I have only a few seconds to live! I will drag my bloody stumps across the world itself and rip your heart out with my bare hands!" he proclaimed, leaping to his feet. He shook his fist at the ceiling for good measure, sealing his threat. But the creepy stalker had already left. "And if I do die, I swear, Mansex, your ass is haunted."

A.N.: I just couldn't help myself… everyone who ever makes fun of Kingdom Hearts eventually gets around to the yaoi jokes. Well, I've been reading other people's fanfics and fancomics when I happened upon those Organization XIII cracks. I had never realized that Xemnas's name rearranged spelled Mansex. Yeah, I'm slow… cut me some slack. Anyway, a man whose nickname is Mansex would be exactly the kind of person that would create one of those yaoi sites. Well, it all made sense in my head anyway… Yeah, umm… Ansem had to be LordofDarkness002 because someone else got to that screenname first, but I won't reveal who. You'd probably figure it out on your own anyway. Oh, Sara Teasdale is actually an American poet, in case you wanted to know. Oh, before I forget, let's get a big round of applause for Xigbar's appearance! He's just doing Xemnas's dirty work so as to stay out of the yaoi site… or maybe he enjoys stalking… who knows?

Anyway, I was wondering if I should do another kind of… whatever chapter like these last four but with the introduction of Zexion and Namine… or if I should just return to the original storyline and write about Sora and Riku meeting in Monstro… that is the next part they meet, right? Please contact me if my memory fails me… or contact me if you have a comment… or have nothing better to do… in fact, if you have nothing better to do, could you please review! I haven't had a review yet that isn't from one of my friends from the outside world… I would greatly appreciate it!