Thanks to Violin, Spirit, lil pink pixie, hermione-G-wanna-be (twice!) and chickibabe46, for reviewing :-)
Just a note because I don't want to lose any of my amazing reviewers: I will be changing my pen name so please copy the url or whatever rather than searching pen name (if any of you do). Just thought I'd warn you as I would hate to lose any reviewers. I love you too much :-)
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Ch 27: Secret Buddies
"Hi Lily." Looking up from her exceptionally good book at the voice, Lily hadn't noticed Clara enter the girls' dorm. Lily smiled and beckoned for her friend to come over while setting aside her book.
"Hey Clara. What's up?" With NEWTs looming over her, the detective work with Marly because she was too cowardly to just ask and the tension with James, Lily hadn't really had the time for her regular heart-to-hearts with Clara recently.
"Nothing much." She replied softly, gazing out the window lost in thought. Minutes of silence passed and the two girls wordlessly looked into the night.
"What are you thinking about?" Lily asked gently. Clara didn't turn but her soft sigh indicated that she had heard. Something was on her mind.
"Is it ever too late to change?" There was something different in the way Clara spoke and Lily watched her curiously. As off hand as she tried to sound Lily knew the question was important and thought carefully before answering.
"Never. We change all the time just as we learn things everyday. The way we feel, how we see things, how we act. We can be whoever we want. And sometimes, something happens that motivates us to change. It could be something a person said or just a sudden realisation. You need to have the will to do it but it's never too late to change." Lily answered contemplatively. Clara nodded.
"I don't want to be like me anymore." Clara said suddenly. Lily had never seen Clara like this before and it worried her slightly.
"Did something happen Clara?" She asked kindly. Clara shook her head vigorously, trying not to let the tears fall.
"I'm sick of how everyone sees me." Clara's voice came out shrill and her words were choked by tears. "Just another dumb superficial blonde who's nothing more than a pretty face and a set of boobs."
"Oh Clara." Lily hugged her friend tightly as she had so many times before. "Don't ever feel like that. You are a wonderful person and far more than just a pretty face. You are gorgeous inside and out!" Lily rubbed her back soothingly while Clara fought to hold back the torrents of tears threatening to spill.
"I've seen the way you and James are together and I've realised that I want that too. I don't want someone who's going to dump me after the first date. I want someone that really likes me, who makes me laugh and who actually has the intention of sticking around." Clara said through tears.
"And you'll have that. But remember that it's still not all easy sailing when you're in a steady relationship. Things go wrong and you argue and you have to work at it. James and I have rough patches." Lily explained, ignoring the quick tug at her heart at the casual mention at the distance between her and James at the moment.
"But you'll always work things out. Because you love each other and you're both so stubborn that you won't give up without a fight." Clara said with a confidence that made Lily smile.
Comfortable silence ensued and they resumed staring out the window. Lily's mind was buzzing with what Clara had just said. You love each other. Lily still couldn't figure out what love was and if what she felt for James was indeed love. Did her fear of what their future held mean that she loved him? Was the desperate need to have him in her future love?
Lily looked at Clara sitting next to her deep in her own confusing thoughts. Comfortingly taking her hand, Lily squeezed it reassuringly.
"Clara, just remember that you don't need a boyfriend, or snog buddy or whatever, to make you feel like you are worth something."
"I don't do I?" Clara agreed, drawing her eyes away from the starry night sky. "I used to think that having somebody, anybody, want me that it meant I was special. That being with somebody, no matter who they were, that it was better than being alone. But if that was right, then why did it just make me feel even smaller and insignificant? Why did it hurt so much more when they no longer wanted me than just being alone to start with?"
Lily smiled. "Being by yourself isn't always bad. Sometimes it makes you feel more fulfilled than being with somebody else."
Clara turned and gave Lily a tight hug. "Thanks Lily. For always listening to my woes and knowing just the right thing to say. For always being honest and being such a wonderful friend." A rush of warmth filled Lily at Clara's words and she hugged her back.
"I think I'm going to go for a walk. Get some fresh air. Be alone for a little while." Clara said with a small smile. "Thanks again Lily."
The door closed softly behind Clara and Lily picked up her book again. For a few minutes she just stared at the cover, lost in her own world again. Shaking her head to clear her thoughts, Lily flicked to the page she had been up to before Clara had arrived. She had barely read a paragraph when Marly noisily entered the dorm.
"Hey Lily!" She said cheerfully. Setting her book down on her bed for the second time that evening, Lily looked up at her exceedingly happy friend.
"Why are you in such a good mood?" Lily questioned to a beaming Marly. She shrugged carelessly although her smile didn't slip.
"No reason. I'm just happy with the state of the world." Lily too cracked a grin at the funnily un-Marly-like comment.
"So where have you been?" Lily asked curiously although knowing the answer. She must have been with Remus although she still hadn't managed to force a confession out of her yet. To be honest, she hadn't quite taken the plunge and asked up till now.
"Oh, just around." Marly replied carelessly with a shrug. A long pause followed as Marly examined her fingernails.
"Are you seeing Remus?" Lily blurted. Marly stopped her intense investigation of her nails and sat still.
"What?"
Lily repeated the question and to her surprise Marly burst out laughing. Rather taken aback Lily waited for her friend's giggles to subside before she received a much wanted explanation.
"You think… Remus and I… are going out?" Marly managed between bursts of laughter. Lily nodded. Sure she had thought it was funny when Sirius had first suggested it but now she got used to the idea it seemed reasonable enough. Like James had pointed out before, opposites attract. Sometimes. When they don't completely repel each other.
"What? I don't see what's so funny. You've both been sneaking off all the time and it's a reasonable conclusion that…" Lily trailed off defensively as Marly burst into another fit of giggles.
"We've both been sneaking off with different people. We accidentally bumped into each other in the corridor that night. It never occurred to me you'd assume we were sneaking of with each other." Marly exclaimed.
Lily muttered a soft, and slightly embarrassed 'oh'. Pause.
"So if you and Remus haven't been sneaking off together, where have you been sneaking off to?" Lily enquired curiously.
Marly looked out the open window before replying. "I've been sneaking off with someone else." She replied slowly. Lily's eyebrows rose up into her hairline.
"Who?"
"Caradoc Dearborn. He's a seventh year Hufflepuff." Marly coloured ever so faintly and looked away.
"How serious is it?" Not trying to be nosy but Lily was incredibly curious. Marly, however now over the initial step didn't seem to mind.
She shrugged. "Not very. For the moment we're just hanging out." Lily raised her eyebrows, a knowing glint in her eyes and Marly grinned. "We don't only snog. We do talk too!" She said defensively and Lily grinned back.
"I want to take this one slowly." Marly said, sobering up. Lily nodded gently, watching her friend slightly worriedly but Marly gave her an encouraging smile noticing her look. Lily smiled a little sheepishly.
"So if you've been sneaking off with Caradoc, who has Remus been sneaking off with?"
A small frown appeared across Marly's pretty face. "I don't actually know. He never said. To be honest he never would have even told me if I hadn't seen her leave when I ran into him in the corridor. I think she's a seventh year Hufflepuff but I'm not so sure." Marly answered thoughtfully.
"Right. I'm off." Marly said suddenly, jumping up from the bed and walking over to the door. Lily's eyes watched her curiously.
"To see the ever mysterious Caradoc?" Lily asked slyly. Marly grinned.
"Of course. What did you think all the primping was for?" Concentrating more on their conversation, Lily had barely registered Marly touching up her near perfect make up and running some hair potion through her curls.
Just as Marly was nearly out the door Lily called her back. "Just for the record, I've only met him a couple times but Caradoc's a good guy. I think he'll be good for you." Lily gave her a kind smile which she returned.
"Thanks Lily. That means a lot to me." She replied sincerely. And with that she left for her date leaving Lily in the quiet of the dormitory.
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Leaving the silent dormitory Lily proceeded down the stairs into the busy common room. After a quick scan of the crowd she spotted the four Marauders on one of the far tables. Remus and Sirius were deeply engrossed in a game of chess while Peter tried to fit an entire pack of chocolate frogs in his mouth all at once and James stared aimlessly into the fire apparently lost in thought.
A small smile appeared on Lily's face as she watched Sirius' brow creased in concentration at his obviously losing troops. Approaching James she tapped him lightly on the shoulder and watched in amusement as he jumped like a startled rabbit.
"Hey. Can I talk to you for a minute?" Nodding, James followed her out of the common room watching her expectantly.
"You haven't talked to Remus have you?" James shook his head uncertainly but Lily breathed a soft sigh of relief. "Well, good, 'cause we got the wrong end of the story."
Carefully Lily explained the situation and what Marly had told her, a small smile at their stupidity evident on her face.
"I knew they couldn't be seeing each other. It would just be too weird. I said so all along." Nodding fervently, a humorous spark in his hazel eyes gave James away.
"Oi." Lily swatted him playfully and James shook his head.
"Nup. It was all your and Sirius' ridiculous idea. I was right from the start." His lips twitched and his eyes were shining. He was joking with her and Lily felt relieved at the distraction at the tension between them.
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"Moony, I can't believe you didn't tell us you have a girlfriend!" Sirius suddenly burst out as several heads turned curiously in their direction.
Sirius had been twitching constantly since James had told him Moony's secret. He had also sworn that he wouldn't blurt it out but would instead wait for either Remus to confide the information after some careful probing from James, or James would casually ask the question. However, Sirius seemed to find the pressure of the situation all too much and had instead done exactly what James had told him not to do. Blurted it out and drawn everybody's attention to the matter.
James whacked Sirius on the back of the head while Remus promptly turned the colour of a tomato.
"What he meant to say," Butted in James in a very bad attempt to relieve some of the tension. "Is… is… isn't the weather lovely today?" Smiling brightly, James indicated to the dingy little window through which a very grey and gloomy day could be seen.
Sirius looked at him like he was insane and Remus gave James a grateful, if still slightly embarrassed, smile.
"Why didn't you tell us?" Sirius demanded ignoring James pointed glares and repeated blows to the back of his head. Remus now resembled a tomato with very bad sunburn.
"So you haven't been going to the library all the time?" Peter asked dumbly just catching on. The others rolled their eyes at him.
When Remus still didn't say anything, Sirius continued his blunt questions. "What's her name? What year is she in? She's not a Slytherin is she Moony? Please tell me she's not! I don't think I could handle it if she was!" He said despairingly, clinging to Remus' robes pleadingly to many raised eyebrows.
"She's a seventh year Ravenclaw and her name's Katherine Williams." Remus muttered reluctantly.
"I think I know her!" Sirius said in glee. "She's the blonde with those legs that go on for miles isn't she? Wait no, is she the one with the long brown hair and the big –"
"Thanks Sirius." Remus cut in with gritted teeth. "She isn't a member of your fan club so you probably wouldn't know her."
Sirius looked taken aback. "She isn't a weird booky type is she?"
James shook his head at his severely mentally challenged friend.
"No she's not. Not that reading books is 'weird' and there is nothing wrong with going to the library. For your information she is on the quidditch team and yes she is a prefect." Remus attempted to explain in exasperation and predicting Sirius' next question.
"Is she really ugly? Is that why you didn't tell us?" Sirius pestered to a now very aggrieved Remus.
"Would you listen to yourself!" Remus said angrily. "Is that all that matters to you? Appearances and reputation? What about a person's personality? Does that mean nothing?"
Sirius shrugged. "Of course that's all that matters. What do personalities count in the bedroom?"
Remus looked disgusted but shook his head in defeat. Sirius would never learn. Well, maybe he would but he didn't seem to be very receptive as yet.
"No, she's not ugly. I think she's very pretty but I suppose you wouldn't think so because she doesn't fawn at your feet or wander around in next to nothing trying to flaunt herself." Remus told his friends.
"Well if she's not bad looking, why didn't you tell us?" Would Sirius give up with the damned questions already!
Remus grew slightly uncomfortable and wouldn't look at his friends. "Because. I knew you'd make a big deal out of it and I don't know how serious it is between us yet. I just wanted to be sure before I told you in which case the whole school would then know because you are the biggest blabbermouths in the school."
Sirius didn't find this explanation wholly satisfactory. Yet again he opened his giant yapper to say something else when Remus cut him off.
"It's different for you guys. You don't have a massive secret looming over you affecting every possible relationship you have." Remus said sadly. His 'furry little problem' affected everything. One could try and say that you could just accept it and live our life without worrying or letting it get in the way. But it did get in the way. There was no way of getting around the fact that he turned into a fully fledged monster every month and that affected everything.
"Moony –" James tried but Remus wouldn't have any of it.
"Look, just accept that I didn't tell you. You may not think it's a big deal but I do and as it's my relationship, that's all that matters." He said more forcefully than they had heard him.
"Moony –"
"Don't worry about it." Remus muttered gruffly. Silence descended on the group and for once in his life Sirius managed to keep his mouth under control.
"Can we meet her?" Sirius asked breaking the quiet. Remus' head shot up.
"What?"
"I said can we meet her?" He repeated. Remus was baffled. Why did they want to meet her? Voicing his thoughts his friends looked at him loyally.
"Because, she has to meet the Marauder seal of approval before we allow you to go out with her." Sirius said with a smug smile. James had that humorous twinkle back in his eyes and Remus couldn't restrain a small grin.
"Before you allow me?" Remus asked dryly but they ignored him.
"Please?" Sirius made a sickening sight fluttering his eyelashes in what he thought was an enticing manner.
Not taking no for and answer, Sirius pestered until Remus reluctantly gave in. Sirius was truly impossible.
The things we do for our friends, Remus thought with a wry smile. He just sincerely hoped they wouldn't completely embarrass him or cause utter mayhem. But knowing them, he was sure they would.