19. Please Forget About Me
(Change My Ways)
Word count: 781
"I wish there was a power -- some kind of force -- that would allow someone to take all of the memories in someone else's head and just...erase them."
Hakkai's hand is over his eyes. Gojyo rolls his eyes and lights another cigarette. They are lying on the lawn in the back of the little house on the edge of the little town, and Hakkai is feeling melodramatic. The night sky hangs low with the promise of rain, strands of stars crisscrossing like seams on a jacket, most partially hidden behind heavy thickets of clouds.
If Hakkai is feeling melodramatic, Gojyo is feeling poetic -- never a good sign.
"Why's that?" he asks instead, willing to give Hakkai the benefit of the doubt. He knows that this will be in vain.
"I bet Goku feels that way, too," Hakkai answers instead, and Gojyo wishes he would take that damn hand away, because he wants to see if the brunette's eyes are open or closed. For some reason, that seems very important right now.
He wants to go and get the bottle of wine in the kitchen they opened with dinner, but that would mean getting up, and that would mean taking his head off of where it is pillowed on Hakkai's stomach. He's too comfortable to do that, and he knows he's keeping the other warm. He decides chain smoking is almost a good alternative to getting smashed, but not really, since nicotine doesn't blur his mind the way alcohol does.
"Kid can't help who he is, or what he does when he doesn't have that headband on." Gojyo holds the smoke in his lungs for as long as possible before coughing and releasing it in a cloud. "'Sides, I don't think he's the type to regret things."
"I am," Hakkai whispers.
It's melodrama to Gojyo, but complete seriousness to Hakkai.
"What exactly've you done, then? An' don't tell me plugging all those centipede guys how many fucking years back already, 'cause that one's gotten old by now."
His red hair is in a curtain over Hakkai's scar, which burns through the thin shirt he wears.
"The way you thought of me. The way I presented myself. For so many years, the way I behaved..."
Gojyo doesn't really know what Hakkai's talking about. In order to shut him up, he rolls onto his side, leans up a little, and kisses him. His hand goes around to the back of Hakkai's neck to hold him steady.
Hakkai tastes like wine and ice, and he's stiff, uncompromising. He doesn't want to do anything sensual now, because he's trying to unburden his tiny heart yet once more. Gojyo thinks he's taken on enough of Hakkai's burdens in his life that the other can just shut and roll over once in a while.
"I wish you could forget about me," Hakkai says into his mouth when Gojyo pulls away a fraction of an inch from the kiss that the brunette had not been returning. "I wish you had left me there."
"You've just had too much to drink," Gojyo says to him, his warm breath sliding across Hakkai's cold mouth. "Alcohol makes you maudlin."
"I don't get drunk," Hakkai reminds him uselessly.
"Did I say drunk?" Gojyo snaps. "I said maudlin. 'S your equivalent of drunk. You turn all fuckin' serious on me, start bitchin' and moanin' how you're such a sinner and how you regret shit, but you know what? I don't waste my time regretting shit. Neither does Sanzo or Goku. I think I'll finally suggest takin' a page outta their books, because you keep trying to fall apart, Hakkai, 'cept you're so together it hurts. You know? There's nothin' wrong with you. You want there to be. You drag up stuff from the past 'cause you're not happy with the man you are, for some reason. Why is that, I wonder?"
Hakkai smiles unsteadily. "Gojyo the philosopher."
"No," Gojyo corrects, "this is me drunk. This is you drunk. This is me fed up of you cryin' about stuff long past. You're the only man you can be, and, really, you're the only man I want you to be."
Hakkai looks at him like he's hit him. Maybe something has hit him.
Gojyo rises to his feet, stretches, and drops his cigarette in the grass. "Now that I'm done bein' supportive, will you come to bed an' just --"
"Roll over?" Hakkai smirks and stands as well. His mood's much improved.
Gojyo thinks, with an inward sadistic grin, that he's finally gotten through the bastard -- or at least this time, anyway.