AN: Chapter 5. Merry Christmas, everyone!

Would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster?

I'm disturbed from reverie by the sound of crying coming from the next room. I say 'reverie' because I haven't actually slept in over a week. I quick glance at my watch as I get up from my bed and head towards Roger's room. 2:47 AM. I've been staring at my ceiling for 22 minutes.

When I open the door I see him sitting cross-legged in the middle of his bed with his blankets wrapped around him. He's covered in sweat and shaking violently, rocking himself back and forth. I sit next to him and gently pull him into an embrace, wrapping the blankets around both of us and rubbing soothing circles on his back.

"I'm so fucking cold..." His voice is scarce above a whisper. He leans into me, probably for warmth more than anything. "I hate this, Mark."

"Shh, I know. Just don't think about it." I try to sooth him. I need to take his mind off this.

"I can't do this." So much for that.

"Don't say that, Rog." He has to do this. Otherwise...

"I can't...I'm pathetic and April's dead and I've got this fucking THING, so I might as well join her."

"Don't be ridiculous. You'll get through this. And Roger...I mean, look at Collins. He's been positive since before we met him, and he's still alive and healthy and will be for a long, long time. It's not the end of the world. As long as you both take your AZT, you'll be fine." The words are as much to reassure myself as him.

Neither of us says anything for what must be 5 minutes, though it feels like hours. Roger is the first so speak up again. "Marky?"

"Yeah?" I look down into those meadowy eyes. They look so lost it makes this all hurt even more. I remember when I used to see so much more in them: mischief, laughter...hope. But those days are gone.

"Could you sing me a song?" he pleads. I couldn't say 'no' if I tried.

"Sure, Rog. Anything for you. What would you like to hear?"

"Doesn't matter."

So I sing. For the next 3 hours I sing every song I can think of; rock, country, blues, pop, lullabies, everything. Eventually Roger stops shaking and is able to drift to sleep. Not long after, I'm finally able to doze as well.

I suppose it's progress.