It clicked suddenly.
I realized that I am truly alone.
Truly alone.
I was hurt.
I was confused.
I was angry.
I was depressed.
I was lost.
-
I don't need to live in this dream anymore.
Who he was.
Who he is.
Two different people.
I have to face that.
Alan is dead.
Simple as that.
I have to move on.
-
Just as I must face the facts.
Allie hates me.
She lies to me.
About everything.
Literally, everything.
I knew this.
But, I didn't want to.
-
My dad does not care.
Not as much as I think he does.
I've known this.
Even when I prayed for it to not be so.
My life is not perfect.
It never has been.
I have nobody.
-
I am standing in a grocery store.
In front of them.
Hair dripping wet.
I push past them.
I walk on.
And for some reason I feel as if I am turning away.
Turning away from my past.
For good.
-
I've finally given up.
I've finally been broken.
And only now do I realize.
It's okay to cry once in a while.
It's okay to feel sorry for yourself.
Just this once.
I will feel sorry for myself.
-
So I went.
To the only place to be alone.
In this city anyway.
I went to the bridge.
the wind was menacing.
Calling me names.
Kicking me when I was already down.
But I took it.
I've done it before.
-
I slapped at the rain.
Pointless.
But it was something to do.
The tears were flowing down my face.
I didn't notice.
My sobs were inaudible.
The winds moans drowned them out.
For once I thanked the wind.
-
My tattered heart, was simply shattered.
A thousand shards lay, God knows where.
I wondered if i'd ever find them again.
For a brief moment I also wondered.
Would I ever find him again.
Then I gave up.
Again.
-
I breathed in.
I breathed out.
And I prayed that tomarrow wouldn't come.
I had nothing to live for.
I am a nobody.
Meaningless.
In a world filled with so many.
I am nothing.
While they are something.
That's okay.
For every someone.
There is a no one.
That no one is me.
-
I just wish it weren't so.
I miss my old dad.
The one who truly cared.
If I lived or if I died.
I wish he did now, as he used to then.
Oh heaven help me.
How I do love him.
He must love me too, right?
Goodbyr father.
-
I miss my old Allie.
So honest.
So full of life.
So full of laughter.
Now there's only spite.
And jealousy.
She thinks she knows me.
But she doesn't.
She wants to be me.
But she doesn't.
She wants to be popular.
Something niether of us are.
I suppose that cuts me out of the picture.
Goodbye supposed Best friend.
-
I miss my old Alan.
So funny.
So real.
Painstakingly real.
The real that I needed.
The real to prove me wrong.
I was living a plastic life.
He made it real.
But he's been burned from me.
He shriveled slowly.
Distorting silently.
Becoming what in time we all do.
A hardened soul.
That no one can help.
Goodbye Squid.
-
Goodbye.
-
I sat in the rain.
The bench my only comfort.
Remembering it all.
Everything I could think of.
I remembered.
It hurt.
But, to heal.
You must tear open the wounds.
-
Tear I did.
At one point I swore.
Swore that I was bleeding in the grass.
Creating a pool of pain.
Pain that was flowing out of me.
For good.
Thank heaven.
For good.
-
They turned away from me.
So I will turn away from them.
I've given up on you Father.
Iv'e given up on you Allie.
I've given up on you Alan.
I've given up on you God.
I've given up on everything.
I turned away today.
From everyone that I once knew.
I gave up on my salvation.
I turned away.
-
I turned to the wind.
The rain.
And my pain.
Forever more.
-
I'm bleeding in the grass.
And to think I was only to be selfish for a day.
And to think I thought it was okay to cry sometimes.
Look what they've done.
Look at what these crimsontears have done to me.
-
I'm bleeding in the grass.
-
The End