Chapter 9

On her journey to Lothlorien, Athelas had time to think about what Arwen had told her. Searching her heart, she realized that she had buried her love for Legolas when it became too overwhelming for her to think about resisting a life with him. She had convinced herself that it was only friendship she felt, only friendship she had wanted to feel. She also thought of the disservice she had done to Arwen. It had never occurred to her that her willing sacrifice might be denied. Through her own pride, her own self reliance, she had made a muddle of her life. She hoped that Lorien would help her to find peace and balance once again. She would need it more than ever as she tried to fix the sorry mess she had created.

She was greeted at the borders of Lothlorien by Haldir. She gratefully accepted the hand that he offered and dismounted.

"Welcome to Lothlorien, Lady Athelas." he greeted her, looking at the several horses in her baggage train. "Traveling lightly, I see."

"Kinsman," she replied, stretching up to place a kiss on his cheek, "your tongue is still sharper than your arrows."

He embraced her, laughing. She realized how much she had missed this tall relative of hers. She had always been comfortable with him, always enjoyed his dry wit, and it felt good to trade barbs with him once again. He held her at arms length to get a good look at her.

"We have heard of your recent misfortune." he told her. "I trust you are recovered?"

"I am well, Haldir." she told him. He saw the sorrow in the back of her eyes, but did not press her for an explanation. He knew she would tell him when she was ready. Elrond's message had only told of her accident, and that her spirits were low. He realized that there was more to it than that.

"Shall I assist you back onto your mount?" he asked. "Or did you want to rearrange your hair first?" He fell back on his old habit of teasing her about her appearance. She had always taken it so seriously.

"In all honesty, I would prefer to walk a ways, Haldir. I feel as if I had been in the saddle forever." She looked up at him slyly. "It's not my hair needs rearranging, if you take my meaning."

He threw back his head and laughed. "I have missed you, Athelas." He tucked her hand into the crook of his arm and they began to walk slowly. "You must tell me when you begin to tire, I know that you are still slightly lame." He smiled, then added, "Otherwise you would have walked the entire way to load up your poor beast with more frippery."

She laughed out loud at that. With every step she took she felt her spirits rise a bit. Here she would regain her composure. Here she would learn to live without Legolas. She automatically buried the pang that shot through her at the thought. Yes, here where she did not see him everywhere, where every corner was filled with his memory.

By the time they reached the home of Galadriel and Celeborn, she was so tired Haldir had to carry her. Galadriel motioned him to set her in a chair, and made sure she was comfortable. Athelas felt Galadriel's light touch in her mind, and tried to hide her pain. Feeling the gentle love in that touch, she did not mind when Galadriel passed over it softly, saying only, "We will speak of it later."

"Welcome, Athelas." Celeborn said quietly, handing her a glass of wine. "We are glad to have you here to rest and recover with us."

"I thank you, my Lord." she told him. "I am grateful to be here, and among my kin once again. I bring greetings and messages from my Lord Elrond and my Lady Arwen." Athelas sipped her wine, feeling it fortify her, and continued in conversation with Celeborn and Galadriel for some time. Haldir joined them, and when Galadriel stated that Athelas must go to her sleep, he carried her to his own house. After being fussed over by his family, she was put to bed, where she blissfully fell asleep within moments.

In Lorien, Athelas not only continued to reflect on what Arwen had said to her, she began to make some small changes in herself. Quietly at first, cautiously, she began to allow herself to feel the full measure of her choices so far. She spent time by herself in the healing woods, permitting herself the opportunity to mourn for what she had lost. Then, slowly, she began to take her mistakes apart and look at them.

The largest mistake, she now saw, was not in her intentions, but in her refusal to ask for help in deciding what to do. Arwen should have been consulted before she made any plans concerning her. She now clearly understood that had their positions been reversed, she would have resisted any attempt by Arwen to deny her own happiness. She missed Arwen terribly, and realized how much of their lives had been bound together. Had that only been a protection for her, a way to avoid allowing herself to grow, to experience her life? No, her love for Arwen was real, but she began to see how she had clung to that love, dreading the day that Arwen would be gone.

Legolas was on her mind constantly. She realized that what they had felt for each other was true and natural, and for her to deny it to herself was inexcusable. Had she, who had always prided herself on her honesty, been honest with herself, none of this would have happened. She recalled the day she had decided to stay with Arwen. How could she have thought that just by refusing to accept that she had a future with Legolas, she could have changed her heart? It was his, and always would be.

Her decision to avoid meeting him alone preyed on her mind. It would have been different, she now thought, had Elrond not been there. Arwen had been right about that as well. She had hidden behind Elrond, as surely as she was now hiding in Lorien. But, she realized, she needed this time, needed to think through what she had done. It was part of her nature to dissect what happened, to contemplate, to arrange.

Haldir and Galadriel watched her, as she went through this self examination. Haldir cheered her spirits with his wit, and gave her what comfort he could. She did not bare her heart to him, but she knew that she could confide in him. As the time went on, he noticed a change in her. She began to open up somewhat, to become more explicit about her feelings. He approved of the development. And she began to laugh more, to go among the other elves, to make more friends. She realized that her reserve had left some feeling that she was cold. She started to enjoy herself.

She did not spend one day without regretting her actions, but she was commencing the process of forgiving herself. She thought about Legolas often, but concentrated on the happy memories. She realized that Legolas' sense of humor had always reminded her of Haldir's, and although the reticent prince and her easy going kinsman were not alike in manners, they were very alike in outlook.

When Galadriel judged the time to be right, she called Athelas to her. Together, they began to walk silently through the trees. Athelas soon realized where they were headed.

"My Lady," she asked, "are we going to the mirror?"

"You are at a critical point in your path, child. For your own peace of mind, I would have you look. Will you?"

Athelas stopped and thought for a moment. Realizing that Galadriel would not have brought her here without reason, she made up her mind. "I will." she said simply. They began to walk again.

"Lady Galadriel?" Athelas asked again.

"Yes, child."

"Is this not, well, a rather prosaic use of the mirror? Shouldn't its' power be used to decide more earth-shaking events?"

Galadriel smiled. "As you grow older, Athelas, you will realize that most of the earth-shaking events as you call them, are made of and piled upon the small domestic ones."

The forest was still as they approached the mirror. Athelas found herself holding her breath as Galadriel filled the silver basin. "Now," said Galadriel, "look."

Athelas leaned over the pedestal and gasped as images began to flash before her. Her parents turned away, as they had on the last occasion she had seen them. She saw Celebrian before she left for the west. She and Arwen, small girls, held hands and danced. A beautiful circlet of silver leaves, set with diamonds and onyx sparkled before her. Haldir grinned and winked at her. She saw Arwen, sprawled on her couch, pale as death. She blushed to see herself, naked limbs entwined around the back of a tall, blond and equally naked elf. Arwen held the banner they had made in triumph. A grey ship. Legolas wore the silver tunic she had made for him. He turned away from her. A single ivory bead. Arwen, more beautiful than she had ever seen her, was kissed hungrily by a crowned Aragorn. Legolas swung her around, and she laughed like a child. Elrond, his noble face torn by pain and suffering. She saw herself bid goodbye to Legolas, who was leaving in the company of a dwarf. That surprised her so much she looked up at Galadriel. The spell was broken, and the mirror returned to perfect stillness.

Athelas tried to make sense of what she had seen, but it was all a jumble in her mind. She turned wide, questioning eyes to Galadriel. "What does it all mean?" she asked, in a small voice.

Galadriel placed a hand on her arm and smiled. "Ponder this for a while. You will know when it is time for us to talk."