Part II: Headquarters
It was already dark when Captain Blackadder arrived at Headquarters. Automatically, he headed straight for the office of General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett. Blackadder had entered the room dozens of times before, yet he would never have recognized it this Christmas Eve. As Blackadder opened the door, he was pummeled by dozens of boxes spilling out into the hall.
Almost completely filling the room, and piled up nearly to the ceiling were thousands and thousands of gifts. The room looked like a pool filled with cube shaped bubbles. Each box was splendid, covered in red or green or gold wrapping paper, and tied with bright silky bows. And each box was six inches by six inches, cubed.
"Blackadder, is that you?" Although muffled, the voice was clearly General Melchett's assistant, Captain Kevin Darling.
"Yes, Darling! It's me!"
"Come in, Blackadder."
"How?" Blackadder stared at the boxes forming a wall in front of him.
"Just dive right in! Come on!"
As Blackadder plunged himself into the room, he cried out "Bloody hell!" Captain Darling heard his approach, his exclamation, then the sound of boxes falling and tumbling.
"Darling? Where are you?"
"At my desk. Just head towards my voice."
"Well then speak up. It's pretty hard getting in, you know. Should I reach around, Darling?" Although Blackadder could not see his face, he knew his words would upset his fellow Captain, and make him nervous. Edmund imagined the captain's eye twitching, just hearing him speak. He secretly enjoyed playing this little game with the Kevin Darling, knowing the play on his words with his surname always made the soldier uneasy.
"This way, towards the back" Captain Darling replied, uncomfortably. "Just stop when you come up to something hard . . ."
"Excuse me?"
"The desk, Blackadder! The desk!"
"What is this madness!?" Blackadder yelled in a muffled voice, as he pushed his way through the pool of presents. He quickly noticed, however, that the boxes were exceptionally light, as if they were all empty.
He bumped against the desk before he realized it was there.
Several boxes in front of Blackadder's face was brushed aside, revealing Captain Kevin's Darling's face dangerously close to his own.
"Well, there you are. I've finally found you. Happy Christmas, Darling," Blackadder said, in a low voice, staring at his favorite foil and harshest critic. Kevin squinted his eyes, and slightly snarled as he glared back at Edmund for a long moment. Breaking the silence, but not eye contact, he offered a simple reply: "The General is waiting for you . . .you'll love this one, Captain Blackadder."
A loud, booming voice called out, from beyond a pile of boxes. "Darling! Has he arrived?"
There was a brief pause, but with a sudden head jerk, Darling turned his head towards the voice.
"Yes, sir. He's just arrived!"
"Gooo-ooood!" the voice sang out. The voice and its strong but lyrical quality were unmistakably General Melchett's. "Has he seen our secret weapon yet?"
"Yes, sir. How could he miss it?"
Although enveloped in boxes, Blackadder tried to turn his head and look around at. There was nothing but the empty boxes.
"Secret Weapon?" he asked, without a response.
Boxes shifted, as the General pushed his way through the room towards the two Captains. His face finally emerged through another wall of presents.
"Blackadder! Good! You're here! I have a top secret mission, and I need your help!"
"A top-secret mission? And . . . these boxes are our secret weapon?"
"Very goooood, Blackadder!"
"I see. And what will we do, sir? Kill our enemies with presents?
"Exxxactly!!" the General shouted, proud of both his ingenuity, and the keen observation of the Captain. Blackadder turned to look at Darling. One eyebrow raised, Darling was, for the first time that Blackadder had noticed, looking for some confirmation that his commanding officer was a bit off.
"Brilliant," Blackadder said, sarcastically. "Giving gifts has now become the latest form of warfare. Never has such a tactic been attempted since the last great Pot-latch of the Americas. Let me guess, are we going to strangle the Kaiser with a new pair of mittens?"
Blackadder looked at the General, and was relieved that his sarcasm was apparently lost on him. He made a quick glance to Darling, and quickly caught a subtle smirk. As soon as Darling realized that he had been spotted, his smirk transformed into a snarl.
"So, that's how it is," Edmund thought, now biting the inside of his lip. Captain Darling had a sense of humor. Blackadder was amazed. Now, the challenge was to make him laugh out loud.
The challenge was overpowering, overwhelming, and completely irresistible.
He bit down on his tongue. It was all he could do to keep from smiling himself. Blackadder took great pleasure in this teasing game that he played back and forth with Darling. It was, if he ever dared to think about it, downright flirtatious.
"General," Blackadder ventured, "Just how are we going to use these empty boxes as weapons against the Germans."
"Good question, Blackadder!" Melchett, tried to create his presence in the room, but found himself instead only smothered by boxes falling against him. "We are going to use an ancient technique against our enemy! Have you ever heard of the Trojan Horse?"
"Of course, sir."
"Well, Blackadder, in this room, you are looking at thousands and thousands of little Trojan Horses!"
Realizing the absurdity of the situation, Blackadder bit down on his tongue.
"Are you saying we are going to squeeze a few hundred soldiers inside each little box? Then after leaving them squeezed together for a few hours, we should unleash them on the enemy during the night?" Edmund's face remained stern and stoic.
Darling's reaction was both equal and opposite. Fighting back the urge to laugh, he could not contain a quivering smirk. Feeling a chuckle rising in his gut, he tried to contain himself. However, it only made matters worse. As hard as he tried to resist, the joke slipped past his lips.
"With that plan, sir, the enemy should surely be buggered . . ."
"Darling!?" the General scolded.
"I'm sorry, general." Darling apologized, as he again tried not to laugh. He grabbed at a few boxes nearest to him, and crushed them in his hands in a futile attempt to refocus his attention.
Blackadder had never really seen Darling act this way. He was almost silly. Although he tried to remain stoic and firm, he was enjoying the moment immensely. Perhaps it was the lunacy of standing in a room filled with tiny empty boxes, piled 3 meters high. Or perhaps he finally reconsidered how the laws of physics intersected with the laws of nature. Maybe it was true, that opposites did attract. Perhaps Blackadder had found an playmate in his favorite foil.
"Right . . ." the General continued. "As you know, our flying Aces are the finest pilots in the skies. But what they don't have is the element of surprise . . ."
"Riiiiight . . . ?" Blackadder and Darling sang together as they tried to follow along.
"Well, what is the biggest surprise one could get at Christmas?"
"An elephant in one's trousers?"
Darling chuckled at Blackadder's response.
"Yeeees, that would be a surprise, Blackadder. Very good. Darling, write that down." Darling, left eyebrow raised, looked suspiciously at the General, who continued to explain.
"But what I had in mind was a sneak attack, tomorrow morning. Christmas Day! We send our Aces over enemy lines, and have them drop these boxes from their planes! Won't Gerry be surprised!"
Kevin and Edmund looked at each other, wide eyed. They tried to make sure their jaws did not gape open.
"Soooo, you are suggesting that we drop thousands of empty boxes into enemy territory, and that will end the war?" Blackadder finally asked, trying to not sound patronizing to the general.
"No Blackadder! The boxes won't be empty!! How thick can you be?"
"Of course not." the dark haired captain replied. "We'll stuff them with little presents? Some Belgian chocolates, perhaps?"
"Neeeeeeey! Hand grenades!"
"Hand grenades?"
"Yeeeeesssss! Hand grenades! We'll stuff one in each box, then tie the ribbons to the pins. Then when Gerry picks up one of these special presents on Christmas morning and opens it, he'll be blown to pieces!"
"And you don't think he'll be suspicious?"
"Why should he be? There's nothing shocking about presents on Christmas morning?"
"Right. And let me guess at the rest." Blackadder's sarcasm took hold of him. "To take the Germans utterly by surprise, we are going to send the entire squadron over enemy territory, planes painted up like reindeer and a sleigh. And for that added touch, we'll quickly make up new uniforms. Lots of green elf uniforms, and perhaps one in red, with nice, fluffy white trim."
Blackadder looked at Darling, who was trying to fight back a laugh.
"Yes, Blackadder. But let's save the red suit for Flasheart," Darling added, fighting back a smile.
"Good, Blackadder, that's not a bad idea. Not a bad idea at all! Write that down, Darling."
"Glad I could be of assistance."
"Good Blackadder! Because this is where you come in! I need you to take these presents back to your men. We need someone to put the grenades in the boxes. Right? So tonight, you and all your men will put the hand grenades in the boxes, ready for a drop tomorrow morning."
"Sir?" Edmund questioned.
"Yes, you and your men. And you can take Darling, too, to help!"
"Me, sir?" Darling piped in.
"Now, get on it, you two. I want you both to be on the job, immediately!" Blackadder shot a quick glance at Darling, hoping the double entendre was lost on him. It wasn't.
"Darling, is there something wrong with your eye?" Blackadder asked. Darling shot back at him a cold stare from a twitching eye.
"Sir, if I may . . ." Darling started.
"And I don't want to hear another word! I want to read about our great victory tomorrow morning in the papers!" Melchett, arms flailing in a sea of boxes, turned and made his way towards the door.
"Right! I am off!" Melchett cried.
"Indeed, you are, sir," Blackadder responded, feigning a quick salute as the General swam away.
When the general was gone, Blackadder looked up at Darling, scratched his head, and simply stated "He's mad."
"Yes, I'm afraid so. But how do you suppose we're going to get out of this one?" Darling asked.
"Buggered if I know, Darling." The comment was acknowledged with another snarl, and another twitch.
"Look, Blackadder. There is no way we can seriously stuff all these boxes with hand grenades and send them over enemy lines. It's a stupid plan."
"Of course it is, Darling! But what do you suggest? We take the boxes and throw them in the fire?"
"No, of course not. But Melchett will want to see them shipped off to your men. We have to get them out of here, then come up with a plan later."
"You're right, Darling. Perhaps we can simply send them off with a few drivers? With orders to dispose of them somewhere . . . anywhere!"
"Then what do we tell Melchett when he asks about the campaign, Blackadder?"
"We can say it was a smashing success! Not one of our Flying Aces was shot down in combat!"
"It'll never work."
"Maybe not, but if we don't get these boxes out of here, it'll be the end of the line."
"We'll face the firing squad together."
"No we won't, Darling . . . I'll blame it all on you." Blackadder smiled at his accomplice, as they looked around the room and the enormity of the project. "So, you are with me?
"It seems I have no choice. Let's call some drivers."
Kevin, looked for a way around his desk. Boxes piled high, he decided to go over the desk, instead of fight his way around. Fighting back some falling boxes, Darling stepped on his chair, then onto the desk. Blackadder turned around just in time to find himself looking up at Darling's crotch. A bit startled, he jumped back.
"Bloody hell, Darling! Would you watch where you put that!"
"What?"
"Nevermind. Just get down."
Unsure where down was, Darling kicked at some boxes, to see if there was a safe descent. Expecting to put his foot on the ground, however, his foot landed on a chair, taking him by surprise, and leaving him off balance. Unable to hold himself up, he began to fall towards Blackadder. The empty boxes offered some resistance, making the fall less harsh. Nevertheless, falling towards the ground, his arms flailed as he tried to grab at anything solid. Edmund was pulled down by Kevin, and found himself lying on the floor, underneath him. As they landed, they heard the crunch of cardboard boxes crumbled underneath the weight of their bodies. The pile of tiny boxes moved with them, covering the two of them like a blanket.
"Darling! What the bloody hell are you doing?" Edmund shouted, as Kevin's body fell against his.
"I'm sorry! I couldn't see the chair. It was..."
" . . .covered in boxes." Blackadder said, trying to calm down. "Yes, I know. Well, at least all these bloody boxes broke our fall."
The two captains suddenly realized what an odd position they had found themselves in. Completely hidden by a thousand tiny packages, Edmund lay on the ground, with Kevin Darling lying on top of him. Their bodies, pressed up against each other, felt unusually reassuring.
Blackadder finally opened with a characteristically sarcastic remark, breaking the silence after a few awkward moments on the ground. "Darling, you know I prefer be on top?"
Darling looked down at the officer, a bit confused. Then, suddenly, as he reconciled the position with the remark, his eyes opened wide in shock.
"What?"
"Well, I knew I asked for bugger all for Christmas, but I didn't think Father Christmas would take me quite so literally." Blackadder, still sarcastic, still calmly lying still, realized that buried under the mounds of boxes, they were completely hidden.
Finally, after a long pause spent looking up at Kevin still lying on top of him, Edmund added:
"I am joking, Darling."
"Of course, Blackadder."
"I'm just glad these boxes are empty, Darling. If they were already filled with the hand grenades, we'd have gone out . . . in one . . . big . . ."
Edmund's words slowed, until he finally stopped himself, and looked up at his fellow officer.
" . . .in one big bang?" the captain on top responded, one eyebrow raised.
"Oh god . . ." Blackadder moaned, rolling his eyes, and tilting his head to the side. It wasn't an angry response. Instead, it was more of an annoyance, as he realized that the banter was beginning to turn him on. "You realize that this could go very wrong, very very quickly."
Kevin, realizing that the man underneath him was filled with a few self doubts, decided to press on. "Or it could go very very right."
"Are you suggesting that we . . . run some maneuvers?"
"Who would know, Blackadder?"
Again, the dark-haired captain was surprised by his own inability to react. Typically, such banter would have him on the defensive. Instead, he felt that strange, pleasant feeling...
Curiosity overwhelmed him, as he gently raised his lower half up an inch, pressing up against Darling. Taking it as a signal, Darling offered a surprised smile in return, followed by an equal an opposite reaction, as he pressed his entire body weight on the man below him.
"This is most unusual, Darling."
"Quite."
"Perhaps this has gone far enough?" Blackadder questioned, for the first time unsure of his own words. Both men, hearts beating quickly, stared at each other.
"It would only take a minute. And no one would see . . ."
"Are you suggesting I bite the pillow for you, Darling?"
"Well, actually, it would be more like biting a box." The two men stared at each other a moment longer, their arousal growing more irresistible.
"Well, a quick shag never hurt anyone, now has it?"
"So, you're saying you do prefer to be on top then?"
"Right . . ."
Without a moment's hesitation, a volcano of boxes flew up into the air, as the two men quickly scurried into new positions underneath.
"Right then, Darling. Bums out, trousers down, and brace yourself . . . before I change my mind."
"Are you sure about this?"
"Well, it's too late now, Darling. . . Wait for it!" Edmund ordered, in a whispering shout.
The piles of boxes shifted from the erratic movement underneath. From above, all that was visible were boxes shifting and twisting and twirling violently.
After a few minutes, the movement stopped.
"Right," Blackadder finally said, in a high voice, accompanied by a muffled zip - barely audible. Clearing his throat, and straightening his shirt, he continued.
Neither men looked at each other, despite all that they had done just a moment before. Instead, they found themselves trying to navigate their way through a room full of boxes.
"Now then, Dar . . . eh, Captain. What about all these boxes?"
"I think you'll find a few on the bottom have been ruined."
-continued-