Splinter, a law and order: ci fanfic

"Splinter"

Usual disclaimers apply.

Timeline: Prequel to "Siren's Call", Season Six.

A/N: Another solo Goren story dedicated to bammi1.

In my LOCI universe Alex and Bobby have been 'closet' lovers since 'A Shift of Axis', whereas Logan and Barek's affair was 'outed' in 'Extracurricular Pursuits'.

oOo

Goren's strides ate up the length of the hospital corridor, his driving need to see Alex in the urgency of his steps. Reeling from the shock of the phone call from Carmel Ridge, he had no one with whom to talk but the woman who had become such an integral part of his life. His work no longer held him in thrall, instead being instrumental in putting his partner in danger. And now there were complications with his mother, not only mentally ill, but dying from lymphoma.

Nodding to the duty nurse as he strode past her station, Goren noted that the other two nurses hovering behind the counter were new to him, as was the young doctor talking animatedly to them.

He had been hoping to speak to Eames' doctor and get an ETA on her release. He needed her beside him and with him, not confined to the austere conditions of her ward room.

Nurse Innor's face lit up at the sight of him and she held up a hand to stop him. "Detective Goren!" she called. "Good news!"

He halted and spun round, his smile tentative. The Lord knew he had little to smile about recently. He walked over to the petite curly-haired brunette's counter and tipped his head.

"Yes?"

He liked Pammi Innor. She had looked in on him many times during his first night's vigil by Eames' bedside. At first, he hadn't welcomed an interloper into his private hell of remorse, preferring to spend that time flaying himself for his part in putting Eames under Jo Gage's radar. But the nurse had been unobtrusive in her concern, comforting in her hovering presence and helpful with any questions he fired at her.

"The doctor has withdrawn all sedatives," she said, her smile lighting her face and his day. "Ms Eames is wide awake and alert and you can stay as long as you like this time."

Goren nodded. "That is good news. Th…thank you." He smiled with relief and touched the top of her hand where it lay on the counter. It was warm and soft and fluttered from the attention. "Thank you."

She blushed prettily, and he hesitated, wanting to show his appreciation of her caring, but not sure as to how. "I..It's meant a lot to us," he said. "Detective Eames and I. Well, to me, to have you. Your dedication."

She nodded. "I could say it's my job, but, well, Ms Eames is such a lovely lady. You," a smile trembled on her lips, "are such a…unique man. She's very lucky to have you. To care about her." She watched him carefully. "I think you care a great deal for her."

Breaking his gaze from her knowing one, he mumbled an embarrassed thanks and swung away, hurrying toward Eames' room. The head nurse had seen through his vigilance as something more than professional concern for a partner.

Hesitating at the door to Eames' room, Goren wasn't sure what to expect. Nurse Innor had said she was awake and alert, but he was unprepared for the picture of her, propped against a headboard full of pillows, her hair brushed and shining, and a look of shy beauty softening her face.

"Bobby…"

"Eames…Alex," he whispered, his voice catching. "Can you…? Can I–?"

"…hug me?" She smiled. "I told you once before, Bobby. I won't break." She held out her arms and he went into them.

Holding her gently, and not sure where to put his hands, he fumbled at her shoulders while she laughed at his ineptitude.

Pulling back his head, he pecked her on the lips, fearing she might be in enough pain to reject him. He thought to place another kiss on her cheek because he couldn't stop assuring himself she was alive and she twisted her head trying to reach his lips with hers. Their dance of hit and miss had both of them awkwardly breaking away.

Gazing at her speechlessly, he pulled her to him in a soft hug and just held her. Afraid to let her go, he trembled with joy and relief that she was safe, eager to take her home. Pushing aside the niggling worry that Eames was not safe even in her own home, he rubbed his cheek against her hair, replacing the disturbing hospital smell around him by inhaling the unique scent of her skin.

Though still a new privilege, he'd missed holding her close like this and he yearned to press his length to her, envelop her with his physical strength to buffer her from a crazy world that seemed hell-bent on taking away those dear to him.

"I'm…I'm sorry." For his first words to her that day, they were probably confusing, so he hurried to explain himself. "For putting you…in that position. Jo would never have–"

"You don't know that, Bobby," Eames said, her voice strong, convincing him she was on the mend. "I knew you would do that. Blame yourself. It had nothing to do with you."

He shook his head in disbelief. "I've organized twenty-four hour protection for you. When you come home," he promised her, his voice husky and disturbed.

"You've done what?" she asked, pulling back from him. "Why?"

"It…it's not safe. First Nicole. Then Jo–"

"So?" Her eyes were wide with shock.

He fumbled with his words, alarmed that she didn't see the danger. "I…I don't. Want you…hurt again." She struggled in his arms, and he let her draw back from him, the distance she placed between them emotional as well as physical. His heart tightened in his chest as confusion diluted his joy at seeing her.

"You think you're gonna protect me?" she asked. "Twenty-four seven? From what? The world? Your world?"

He had to, for his own peace of mind. "Nicole is still… She tried to… To kill you." He cleared his throat, the words drying up as he realized he was the source of more distress for her.

Forcing himself to speak calmly, he tried again. "Jo targeted you simply…merely because you were part of my life." He held out a hand. "My working life." Using both hands, he hastily gestured between her and him, reminding her of their new relationship. "It's worse with Nicole. She knows. There is even more at stake now."

Eames folded her arms across her chest, the glare she gave him withering his confidence. He'd alienated her with his determination to keep her safe and he didn't understand why.

"I won't be a prisoner in my own home, Bobby."

"N…not a prisoner. Just someone to–"

"No!" She turned her head away. "I'm tired. I think you should go."

"Alex…"

"Could you send in the nurse on your way out, please?"

The blood draining to his toes, Bobby swayed where he sat. Abruptly pushing upright, he grabbed the chair beside the bed for support.

"Ah, yeah…of course. I…I'll see you…tomorrow."

Her eyes closed, she didn't answer. Bobby turned to go, then turned back again. Eames wouldn't look at him and he died a little more inside. He hadn't even managed to talk to her about his mother. He dragged his feet from the room.

Heading back to the duty station, Goren saw Eames' regular doctor and hurried to catch him.

"Doctor Indah. A moment. Please. Alex Eames…"

The compact Indian doctor bobbed his head at Goren, his smile brilliant against his dark skin. "Of course, Detective Goren. How can I help you?"

"My…my partner. She's going to be okay?" He waved a hand. "I mean, emotionally. The trauma–"

The doctor indulged in more rapid head-bobbing. "Yes, yes, you are right. It was very traumatic for our good detective. Not an easy thing to forget. Harder to live through. She is a survivor, that one, but she must be helped. Professional help." His brows knitted. "But I warn you, she will not want to accept it. Too independent. Too proud."

That summed up Eames perfectly, Goren thought. Perhaps the doctor had already suggested counseling to Eames and been given a piece of her mind.

"Any…any suggestions, Doctor?"

Indah clasped him on the shoulder and bent his head toward Goren. "You will look after her, yes? She will listen to you?"

"I don't…know about that. She's–"

The doctor's smile disappeared behind a pursed mouth. "She will listen if you talk to her in the right manner. You know this?"

Goren shook his head. He no longer had the confidence to persuade Eames to do anything she didn't want to.

"Nurse Innor will advise you as to who the good detective can talk to."

"We have our own. A departmental psychologist," Goren supplied, wondering how successful Olivet would be.

"It will be as you wish." Indah nodded again and turned as one of his colleagues hailed him.

"Is there anything I can do?" Nurse Innor walked up to them, waiting expectantly.

"Ah, no," Goren said, masking his face, hiding his anxiety. "Thank you. When…when will Eames be allowed to leave?"

"Another night only, Detective," Doctor Indah assured him, nodding to his colleague and turning back to Goren. "Then you can take her home." His smile beamed again.

Is that what she wanted? Goren agonized. Or did she now view him as an overbearing manipulator who wanted to run her life? He looked down the corridor toward her room, and hunched his shoulders.

"Detective?"

Nurse Innor's soft concerned voice was nearly his undoing. He smothered a cry and turned from her, determined to get out of there before he broke down. His vision blurring, he headed for the exit and his car.

oOo

Trying to ignore the deep frown Eames wore when she spied the unmarked police car across the road from her apartment, Goren followed her up the short steps to her front door. Her back was straight, her head held high and he felt cold and uncertain, unable to close the emotional distance that yawned between them.

Hovering at her front door, Goren watched Eames walk around her living room, chin high as she orientated herself with her home again. Goren imagined she was reliving her attack there and he desperately wanted to comfort her, but already she had refused his help out of his car at the curb, entrusting him only with her overnight bag.

Putting her bag down now, he stepped in further as she headed toward the empty bird cage.

"What happened to Paulie?" she asked, her voice catching.

"We…we don't know. The cage was empty when we found it."

Eames shuddered, then turned round, her eyes wet and mouth trembling.

Goren lunged for her and held her tight against him, not caring that she hadn't wanted him to touch her earlier. He absorbed her quakes, her face against his heart as she sobbed against him. He murmured broken phrases of love and comfort to her but he doubted she heard him, so tightly he held her face to his chest. Maintaining his soft assurances, he guided her to the couch and lowered them both to it, holding her firmly to him.

Fearing she would not allow herself this vulnerability in the future, he burned this moment in his memory. His lips were in her hair, breathing her fresh scent. His mouth skated across her wet cheek, seeking her mouth. Finding it, his kisses began gently, then deepened, driven by his need for her. She returned his passion, at first tentatively and then with a hunger to equal his own, before suddenly, cruelly, breaking off and turning her face from him.

"N…no," she whispered. "I…I can't."

His heart bottoming, Goren felt physically ill. "Why? Why not?"

Shaking her head, she pulled out of his arms and lunged from him, knocking over the birdcage, steadying herself on the table beside it, then, with her back to him, spoke the words that cut him to the bone.

"You'd better go. I'll see you at work, but not…" He saw her take a deep breath and let it out again in a groan. "Not like this."

Tossing her head, she imparted one last shot. "And get rid of the guard, Bobby. Now."

As she stumbled through the door that would take her to her bedroom, Goren watched, frozen in a place that was vast and cold and cataclysmically lonely.

oOo

Leaning against the SUV, Goren forced his body to remain loose and relaxed, belying the turmoil of his thoughts. Looking round, he glanced at the pedestrians, their agendas hidden, hurrying toward their destinations. One woman, pushing a baby carriage, eyed him suspiciously and he was tempted to pull out his badge to reassure her before deciding against it. He played with his keys instead, jangling them in his pocket then pulling them out and running them through his fingers.

Eames was unaware he was waiting for her outside Olivet's office, and he suspected he would feel the brunt of her tongue when she discovered him there, but he didn't care. He wanted to be there for her, even though he knew that was no longer what she wanted.

Since that day he brought her home from the hospital, Eames shunned him. Their brief venture as lovers ended and Goren wasn't even sure why. He tried again to get close to her, but she built an emotional wall around herself that he couldn't penetrate. She shrunk from him when he touched her, so he stopped trying. She refused to talk to him about it and so he dropped the subject. His mind clamored for answers she wouldn't give and his heart ached with love she would no longer accept.

Maybe he should talk to Logan and get an insight into how he had managed to morph a work partnership into a working relationship. Logan and Barek seemed close and at ease when Goren saw them together and Logan's attitude to his job and his inexperienced partner had mellowed, no doubt due to the new satisfaction with his life. The man now exuded confident contentment that Goren could only envy.

Eames was still officially off-duty but Goren had a new call-out and intended to bite the bullet and bring her back to him, even if it was 'on the job'. He needed to be with her in any capacity, using the excuse of a case to balm that need.

A door clicked shut and he looked up as she came down the stairs. His heart stopped then kicked in again as he pushed himself from the SUV, awkward and unsure of her reception, but determined to see this through. She looked casual, at ease, as if it was no big deal her coming out of the offices of the departmental psychiatrist and an even lesser deal his being there waiting for her, uninvited.

"How'd it go?" he asked. Was Olivet able to tell you why you can't bear my touch?

"Just three more sessions."

"Yeah?" What did that mean? Three more and she was cured? She would fall into his arms again and the private hell he'd been living in would vanish?

She nodded.

"I can drop you off at… I got a call…" He pointed behind him at the car. Please come with me. If for no other reason than to work on a case with me again.

"Well, let's go…"

Her voice was curt. He was right. She didn't want him there. It was an imposition on his part to assume he had any right to be involved in her personal affairs, but, dammit! She had to give him something. Something to make up for the fact that she had cut him out of her life with no warning or explanation.

He didn't move, riveted to the spot at her coldness.

She shook her head. "I told her I wasn't getting better by myself."

I'm doing what I can! his mind screamed at her. I want to do more! So much more. But she wouldn't let him.

Needing her to at least admit she thought it was a mistake to get involved with him, the instance with Jo being proof of that, he searched for the right question to open the lock of an explanation from her. Any explanation. But he could think of nothing that would not have her closing down on him again.

He threw up his hands in defeat as she walked past him without another word. He gave her the keys. He wasn't going to push her. If that's what she wanted, he would show her that things could be the same as they were before. Before they became lovers. If it had been a mistake, he would see that it went away.

At least he would still have her with him.

oOo

This is my take on the end of the first scene of "Siren's Call", Season Six.