Looking for Kana's Eyes, parts 18 - 23
This story was written online as part of the Kana: WAFFO! (Write A Fun Fanfic Online) project. Odd-numbered instalments were written by JPop4Life, and even-numbered instalments were written by Darkling.
18.
"Um... surprise?" I say, hesitantly.
Bro looks at me strangely. His brow is slightly furrowed and his head is tilted to one side as he peers at my face.
"I... uh..." he says, uncertainly.
I look into the mirror. I don't seem to look any different from this far away. A little clearer, perhaps. But as I lean closer, I can see the difference. The other Kana blinks back at me, meeting my gaze. One eye violet...
And the other eye brown.
I'm fixated by the difference. My gaze keeps shifting from one eye to the other. One deep violet; the other a warm, welcoming, normal brown.
Normal. At last. I gasp and smile, feeling tears welling up.
I have to see them both. I want the transformation to be complete.
I take the other contact from the case. As I hold it up to the light, it doesn't seem to be coloured all that deeply. The optician took measurements, though. The amount of tint was carefully judged to change my iris from one colour to another without affecting the lens transparency.
It's a bit easier putting the second one in. I have a few false starts, of course, but eventually the lens settles into place over my other eye. I turn to Bro, who's standing there looking thoughtful.
"Well?" I ask, blinking at him - partly for effect and partly because the contacts still feel a bit strange to me.
"When did you decide you wanted to change your eye colour?" he asks, leaning closer again.
"Oh. Um... well, I think it was when you told me about Miki," I tell him, looking into his eyes and smiling nervously. Will he like them? Will he think I'm pretty? "I realised that I had a chance to be different- Well, no. It wasn't that. It's that... it's that I had a chance not to be different anymore, Bro! I don't have to stand out anymore! Look!"
I turn to the mirror again, and a completely different Kana Todo looks back at me. Two brown eyes. It makes me want to squeal.
"I look so different!" I babble, grabbing Bro's arm and dragging him to stand next to me. "Look, Bro! Look at me!"
He does. His reflection smiles at me warmly, and he nods his head.
"If you're happy with them, Kana, then so am I. You look good."
"Thank you, Bro!" And now I do squeal, clinging tightly to his side and looking up at him. "Oh, thank you so much! You were the one... The one... who..."
My words trail off. Oh, his lips are so close. His arm is around me.
My heart is pounding.
I lower my eyes. "Thank you, Bro," I whisper, in a subdued voice. "Thank you for everything."
19.
Why was I so afraid? Why did I make such a big deal about it? Why didn't I do this sooner?
It's a bright and shiny Sunday morning. I climb out and fix my bed before hopping into the shower. I wash then dry myself. I get dressed and happily stride to the bathroom.
Some facial cleanser, a little blush and I gently place my contacts in my eye. They've become a part of my morning routine. I grab my purse and walk outside.
I can happily see everything and everyone. Nothing has ever been so clear in my entire life. I prance around every store, acting like a little child.
I seem to touch everything, hold everything and examine everything like I've never seen it before. It's as if I was reborn, except this time, a new, stronger, better, Kana.
I eat lunch by myself but I'm finally able to see the entire menu without struggle. I feel satisfied being able to choose for myself what I want. As I eat, I look out the window to the outside world. It's so wonderful and lively. I actually can see people living. I can actually see what people do with their lives.
The sun begins to set, but it has little effect on my vision. It used to be harder when it got darker. Objects and people were even more blurry than before, if I even saw them.
But not this time. I swing my arms out and dance within the trees of a park. I feel so free and giddy, I keep spinning and spinning until I fall to the ground. From there I watch the leaves fall into the pond.
The sun has set and the night has filled the sky. I watch the fireflies fill the air with light, with the gentle breeze sweeping through the night. The stars are shining brightly above. I look upwards and spot each star shining differently in its own way. They no longer all just look the same.
Everything is great. Everything is wonderful. Everything is as good as I hoped...
"I'm so... so very happy," I say to myself.
…in fact, better.
20.
"Ohayo gozaimasu. Can I help you?"
"Hai. How much is the postage for a letter to France?"
"France? Well, air mail would be..."
I'm standing in line at the post office, listening to the buzz of conversation around me. It's mid-morning and I closed the shop briefly to duck out and pick up a package that's been waiting here for a couple of days, from one of the store's suppliers. This time of day is usually pretty slow at the store anyway.
To amuse myself while I'm waiting, I look around the post office. There are posters on the walls, and I can read even the smallest print on all of them! I pick out the French flag on a large banner on the far wall. I wonder what it would be like to visit Paris. Maybe one day, if I've saved enough... and if Bro wanted to come along...
"Miss?"
A voice filters into my pleasant daydreams.
"Excuse me. Miss?"
"Oh?" I look up, blushing. I've reached the front of the queue without even noticing, and the nice lady is calling to me. "Ohayo!" I say, brightly, as I approach the counter. I like this shop assistant; her name is Rie and she always asks me how I am.
"What can I help you with?" she asks.
Oh. "Um, a package came in for me a few days ago," I tell her, handing over the little paper slip. "Here."
"Ah. Let me just get that for you," she says, politely, and heads into the storage area. I watch her go, feeling a little disjointed. Why didn't she say hello?
Rie emerges from the access door with the package under her arm. "Here we go, miss," she says, looking down at the address on the parcel. "Miss... Oh, Todo-san! How are you?"
"I'm... just fine," I say, with a smile. "How have you been?"
"Oh, as well as can be expected!" she laughs, putting the parcel on the counter. Then she pauses, looking at me thoughtfully. "There's something different about you, but I can't quite put my finger... You look different, anyway. I almost didn't recognise you!" She laughs again, lightly. "Must be getting forgetful in my old age or something! Anyway, here you go. Hope to see you soon."
"Yes," I murmur, taking the package. "Yes, I hope so too..."
I walk away, more disturbed by the incident than I'm willing to admit to myself.
21.
I'm lying in my bed, staring at the ceiling. I finished my studies and I'm just letting my mind wander.
It's been several weeks since I've seen or heard from Kana. School has been keeping me busy and I don't have much time for anything else.
…
Actually, I've had plenty of time to see her or call her, but I haven't done it.
I just... I just haven't felt like it, I guess.
I can't really explain it, but when I'm done studying and I ponder what I want to do, I just know that what I don't want to do is go visit Kana. I don't really know why. Kana hasn't done anything or said anything to upset me. I know she's not busy all the time.
So... why?
I decide to change these thoughts. I spring up from my bed and get ready to go to Kana's bookstore.
Why?
I'm on my way to the bookstore. It's not much further. Meanwhile, my mind still continues to ponder.
I'm not so sure about the reason. It's not like I'm afraid of anything. Afraid of what? I don't know. It's more like there's something I'd rather avoid.
That's it...
Avoiding something... There's just something unfamiliar about it all, and it makes me uncomfortable. And who likes to feel uncomfortable? If you can help it, wouldn't you avoid it?
But what is it?
I still don't know. It's like my heart knows the reason but I can't find the words to say it. And I guess since I can't put this feeling into words, that's why I've been avoiding Kana.
Is that a good reason?
I don't think it is. But that is the reason, even if I don't understand it.
I arrive at the bookstore and walk in. I find Kana's back facing me as she's putting more books on the shelf.
"Hi Kana. I'm ba... ack."
Kana turns around, smiling at me.
"Hi, Bro. Welcome back."
…
I know what it was. I know why I didn't want to see Kana. Why I was avoiding her as much as I could.
…
…
…
You just don't look at me the same anymore...
22.
"So, um... how's business today?" I ask.
"Not too bad," she says, still smiling. "I'm expecting more of a rush later this afternoon, so I thought I'd stock the shelves now, before it gets too busy."
"I... see." I can't look at her while I'm talking. It's... it's just too unnerving. It's Kana standing there; it's my little sister-
And yet, somehow, it's not.
"No class today?" she asks, as she turns back to her work. From behind, she looks the same as ever. She's skinny and almost stick-like in her dress and loose cardigan. She has hips, but they're not pronounced. Not really 'womanly'.
She's not the girl she was. But she's not quite a woman, either. She's somewhere in between.
"Bro?" she asks, in a preoccupied tone. "You okay?"
"What?" I shake my head, blinking. "Oh. I... I'm fine. I just didn't get much sleep last night. I was up late studying."
"That's great, Bro. Do your best, ne?"
Do your best...
Suddenly, I flash back to Kana sitting in her hospital bed. I see my hand in hers. And I'm looking into her eyes as she looks back at me.
"Bro, please... do your best. Study hard. Don't worry about me..."
"Kana..."
I see myself in her eyes. I see the trust and love - the faith she has in me. I don't want to let her down...
"...Bro? Bro!"
"Uh, wha-?" I come back to reality to find Kana looking at me, amused.
"Maybe you should go home and take a nap?" she suggests, with a smile. "You keep drifting off on me."
I look away from her eyes and that confident smile. It's... She isn't... But she's happy. She's happy now. Stop being selfish, Taka!
"Maybe I will." I nod, smiling back. I hesitate for a moment before going on. "My exams will be over in a couple of weeks. After that, I'll have more free time. Would you... do you think you'd like to..."
"Miss?" someone complains, loudly. "Excuse me - miss? Could I get some service here, please?"
"Oh. Hold that thought, Bro," Kana says, reaching out to pat my arm. "I'll be right back. Yes!" she calls, hurrying over to the counter. "What can I do for you?"
I stare after her, the words like a lump in my throat.
Let's go have dinner together, Kana. Just you and me.
Why couldn't I say them?
Kana's behind the counter now. She smiles at the customer, her voice bright and cheerful. She's standing so tall and proud - not self-conscious at all.
I turn around and leave the store.
23.
"Thank you. Have a good day."
Things have been going smoothly as of late. Ever since I've worn my contacts, everything just feels...normal.
I can walk around town without people staring at me. I can walk into a store and ask for someone's help without a double take. I don't have to catch people pretending like they're not watching me. I know what they were looking at...
…my purple eyes.
I feel better, though. I know those wondering eyes no longer follow me around everywhere I go. It's almost like a dream come true. It's what I've always wanted... to be like everyone else. I'm just another face in the crowd. I don't have to stand out.
So I've been going out more and more. I've been shopping in stores I haven't been to, I've gotten onto the train and seen cities I haven't been to before, and I've even had the chance to go to a festival all by myself.
It's also helped that I can finally see. Taking in the beauties of the world. Enjoying all of nature's colors. I'm exploring the world and I'm doing it on my own.
…
…
…
So... why?
Why are some things... changing?
I've noticed it little by little, but it's showing more and more. There are times when I feel like... like I'm not there, like I've completely dissapeared.
When I talk to people, sometimes they seems to feel... lost, I think? It's like they don't know how to talk to me or what to say to me. The strange thing is that it's not strangers acting this way...
…it's everyone else I knew before.
I took a little time and saw Mom and Dad, but it felt like they didn't even know I was there. The staff at the cafe where I have breakfast haven't felt like my visits were special in any way. And...
…and he's been different the most.
It was a while inbetween the times I saw him. He hasn't even called me in a while. I know he's busy with school, but I didn't even know he left the last time I saw him. And even in that short time it just... just...
...just wasn't him.
I'm happy. I know I am. Words can't describe how wonderful these last few weeks have been, and I look forward to even more wonderful days.
"Bro... what's wrong?" I ask...
…but no-one answers.