In Err, My Suffering
Part II
It was impossible to judge when night ended and morning began. At least, it was to her.
Her skin was hot and sticky and icky feeling. She wanted a bath - but was soberly reminded by her memory she'd end up feeling like this at the end of the day all over again. Sweating and being unable to sleep was the worst part of summer.
She sat up, pulling on a light colored yukata, unable to bear even the thought of wearing her dark uniformed outfit. She'd sweat to death in that thing, she thought, shoving her door open.
One sullen glance down the hall told her Aoshi was already gone. Even though she couldn't really confirm that, she suspected it. It was, really, almost guaranteed by the consistency of his behavior.
Between his "away" missions for Okina and "meditating", she really didn't see him much. Aoshi did a lot of information work. Since Okina handled the information network, she wasn't sure what that "work" entailed exactly and she hadn't been motivated enough in this weather to find out.
She suspected his "away" work kept him there less often than he was actually gone. His avoidance of her was annoying, and worse than that the others had completely mistook the reasons he had taken to doing so.
They had, somehow, gotten the impression Aoshi was annoyed with her "hanging around him" all the time.
Which wasn't even true, really. She didn't hang around him that much.
She headed for the stairs, slowing when she heard Okina's voice.
"She's a nice girl, Aoshi. You should consider it."
"How do you expect me to support a wife?"
Misao gaped. Okina was suggesting Aoshi marry? So suddenly? So blatantly? Absolutely not! Not while she was around.
"You're getting older - surely you've thought about it. Wouldn't you like to have a family? It would be easier to get Misao to think of marriage if she had an example to follow."
Misao seethed from where she stood, eavesdropping.
"I am not at liberty to make such decisions now," Aoshi replied sedately.
"Eh?"
Damn right he wasn't, Misao thought. If anyone decided whether or not Aoshi got married it would be her. She owned him!
Well, maybe she didn't, she thought huffily. But she should.
She decided right there if he got married to someone else she'd never forgive him. Not even begging on his death bed!
Well, maybe that was too far. She couldn't deny Aoshi a deathbed wish.
Ah, no! No dying-Aoshi thoughts, she scolded herself.
She continued down the stairs just as Aoshi walked out. He paused to glance down at her before turning and heading up the stairs. She glanced back at him and then in at Okina, blinking innocently.
"Ah, Misao come on in here," Okina called out to her.
She stepped in feeling weary and hoping it didn't show on her face. She sat down in front of Okina's table, finding the place where she sat warm. She smiled at sitting where Aoshi had been.
"Have you given any consideration to starting a family?" he asked, sipping some morning tea.
"Don't guys start families?" she asked, putting off the question momentarily. "And no, not unless it involves Aoshi-sama," she chirped happily.
Of course she'd thought about it. A million times. She'd worried for weeks about pregnancy - until, of course, her period returned. Although she'd heard from Okon some women still bled while pregnant, either way, she hadn't conceived.
Unfortunately.
Wasn't that almost a sure way to get Aoshi to be hers permanently?
The thought of trapping Aoshi in marriage by pregnancy didn't sit well with her though. She wanted him fair and square.
Okina sighed, clearly disappointed.
He looked so seriously discontent, Misao began to worry. "Why do you want me to get married so much? I'm not an old maid yet."
"I am an old man, Misao; I'm not getting any younger. I want to know you are in the hands of someone who will take care of you when I'm gone. My only family is those of the Aoiya and you are the only child I ever had. I do not want you to regret anything. Or Aoshi."
"You want Aoshi to have a family?" she asked.
"I know you don't like the possibility of seeing him with someone else. Don't you want what is best for him?"
She sat forward glaring. "Are you saying someone else is better for Aoshi?" she asked, not noticing the informality.
Okina sat back slightly. "Be reasonable," he urged.
Misao pouted and stood. "I'm going to help in the kitchen."
She heard him sigh once more as she walked off. The moment she stepped inside Omasu handed her a list and a pouch of money and pushed her straight back out. Misao blinked as the door was snapped closed in her face.
"Must be busy..." she mumbled, turning to walk toward the front door. Omasu was especially pushy when it was busy.
What a depressing day.
How could Okina even consider the possibility that someone else could be better for Aoshi than her?
Sure, she wasn't sure how to feel about him right now, but that didn't mean she didn't want him.
She did.
She damn sure didn't want anyone else having him.
"Misao."
She jumped at the suddenness of the voice from the tall man who had sneaked up to walk beside her.
"Ah, don't do that, Aoshi-sama," she paused. "Why are you out?"
She didn't see any bag on his shoulder - so... He wasn't leaving town at least. It was always painfully easy to tell when he was leaving town.
"You heard Okina this morning..."
He didn't phrase it like a question; he must have known she was there. She smiled, that was good old, Aoshi-sama.
"About that..." he started, only to trail off. She couldn't remember him being short of words before.
So she waited.
"It is not my intention to marry anyone else."
She stopped, glancing up at him. "Damn right."
She immediately slapped a hand over her mouth. Bad girl, Misao! She scolded.
He didn't respond to the comment.
"Do you need me to accompany you?"
She blinked. "For what?"
He motioned toward her list.
"Oh, no, I got this."
Did she want him to go? Sure, she'd never tell him not to, but she didn't want him coming because he felt obligated. She wasn't a little girl and she could do without an escort. If it came down to it, she could handle herself. That's what she did all that time he was gone, after all.
He nodded. "I'm going to the temple. Don't be gone too long."
She watched him go, sighing softly. What was best for him, huh?
Did anyone really know what was best for him?
Aoshi stared at the wall, all hope at achieving some semblance of inner peace from meditation today, long gone. Days at the temple lately had that effect on him, leaving his mind to wander while he struggled to focus himself.
Even now he worried about her walking out there along the crowded streets alone.
What if some goon pulled her into an alley and molested her?
What if she got herself into a fight she couldn't handle with that mouth of hers? That beautiful, perfect little mouth...
He sighed inaudibly and stood. It had only been an hour. She probably wasn't downtown at all; she was probably back, safe, at the Aoiya with Okina. But he couldn't know that for certain.
Thoughts of the previous night caused him to wonder if he should kiss any thoughts he had of peace goodbye forever.
Especially after she'd told him she thought about it.
About wanting it.
About wanting him.
She wanted him, and deep down, he'd known she had. She still did.
Because, he knew, she loved him.
Misao loved him.
He wanted, needed frantically, for her to continue to love him. He'd do anything to keep her. Anything to ensure she still loved him and loved him always.
Maybe he was obsessed…
He didn't care.
He stood, hoping to leave his tumultuous thoughts behind, but knowing he would be dragging them back with him. He always did. He headed down the pathway, eyes scanning for her, but seeing nothing.
His path was straight ahead, nothing between him and the Aoiya except the street crowds that he navigated through deftly. Okina was out front, sweeping the entrance. The old man spared him a glance as he approached.
"Is Misao here?"
"She was," Okina replied, stilling the motion of the broom. "But she muttered something about chocolate and then off she went in search of sweets."
"Aa," Aoshi replied shortly and stepped in. He avoided the customers, instead moving straight to the back, up the stairs and straight to her door.
He told himself he was going to regret this as he reached for the panel to slide it open.
It didn't stop him.
He pulled the door open and stepped inside, boldly invading her territory and loving every exhilarating second. He pulled it closed behind him, inhaling the lingering scent of her in the room.
He could recall the taste of her on his lips, mind full of nothing but her and having her and just outright ravishing her.
He walked to her window and sat down, placing his back against the wall. He would just have to wait.
For Misao, he'd wait forever.
"That was not funny!" Misao shouted down the stairs, stomping childishly to her room. "Damn idiots!"
She tore the door open and stepped inside, her anger evaporating in one fell swoop at the sight that met her within.
"Aoshi-sama?"
He turned his eyes upwards. "Misao," he acknowledged.
She stared at him a moment and then frowned. "Is something wrong?"
"No," he replied.
She swallowed dryly. "Um..." She looked at the door behind her, shifting. "What brings you to my room?"
His answer was silence and she stepped in closer when he showed no signs of moving from where he sat, cross-legged beneath her window.
"We should talk about it," he stated.
"Talk about it? It? Do you mean what I think you mean when you say 'it' or is it another 'it' we're talking about?" she asked, crossing her arms, eyes darting across her bare floor.
Where should she sit?
"The afternoon we spent together."
That was a mild description of it, wasn't it? She thought wryly. "Oh," she paused and decided to stand a little closer. She didn't want to stand too close, she might be tempted to touch him or something and that would be bad.
"I'm sorry." His voice was so solemn.
She looked down from the window where she'd been staring out. "I'm not."
"Misao-" His eyes took on an expression she couldn't recognize, but it sounded like a warning in his voice. A 'stop- stay back' kind of tone.
"I don't want to hear that. I don't want you to be sorry for that," she continued, saying what she wanted, regardless of what he wanted to hear.
"... What do you want?"
"Huh?" Surely, she hadn't heard him right. Surely, he, Aoshi: the taker, wasn't asking her, Misao: the giver, what she wanted.
"What do you want?" he repeated, his voice barely exceeding a whisper. "What do you want from me?" His eyes were intense, trained solely on her.
"I'd say I just wanted you, but you've been giving me iffy looks lately." She smiled. "And I think you'd take it the wrong way. Well, you know what I mean."
"What would it take?" To get you?
Her eyebrows rose. "I don't know."
The answer seemed to disappoint him. She walked toward him and kneeled down in front of him. He unfolded his legs and allowed her to scoot closer - between his spread knees.
The floor beneath her knees was hard and already bothering her kneecaps, but she remained kneeling all the same.
"I don't know what I want from you, but it isn't something I can ask for." She tilted her head contemplatively. "If that makes any sense... Wait, maybe I can say it better..."
"There's no need."
"Hmm?" She refocused her gaze on his, noting the intensity of his eyes had increased.
"I know what you want," he said, his voice soft.
She frowned at him; feeling slightly miffed at his all-knowing attitude and crossed her arms.
"I don't think it's best for you... But I will agree to it."
"No! No, you won't! Not until you tell -me- what it is!" she demanded, feeling even more anxious at this somber-toned conversation.
She did not like somber. Not at all.
This whole dialogue had a reluctant and sad kind of feel suddenly and she wasn't about to let him decide on something major and give her cryptic half answers. Not happening.
She shook her head. "No way..."
"If it's me you want, I agree. I'll marry you."
Her unhappy expression only intensified. He said it like he was so damn happy. It felt more like he was compensating a rowdy child just to get her to shut up.
No way, she wasn't about to accept that.
"What makes you think that's what I want?" she asked the edge in her voice sharp.
"Marrying me wouldn't give me what I want - I'm young, but old enough to have realized that." She narrowed her eyes. "It won't make you stay here; it won't convince me that I'll always be able to make sure you're safe and not wandering around killing yourself slowly somewhere."
"There's nothing you can do," she answered.
"Nothing?" He barely breathed the word, his very voice a strained torture in her ears. His eyes almost seemed to shimmer with disappointment at her answer, but maybe she was being hopeful and seeing things that weren't there.
She leaned forward, shifting her weight on her knees, a small smile on her lips as she shook her head negatively. She gently touched her nose to his.
"Not even my word is good enough?" he murmured, a soft tone not strong enough to travel outside of their little circle, not even to be picked up by Oniwabanshuu ears.
"Is it?" she countered. "Or is it just good enough until something threatening comes along and you decide to make more life-changing decisions without telling me?"
He seemed to pick up on the fact, without her explicit mention, that she was referring to his leaving her at the Aoiya the first time.
"Overlooking the fact the last time I left you, you were a child," he countered with a sharpness that made her slightly uneasy.
She'd hadn't dealt with a hostile Aoshi since she had been scolded by him as a kid, and only after she'd done something that had proven to be dangerous to her person and scared him.
"Isn't there some kind of saying about a person doing once and then being likely to do it again?" she asked flippantly, not noticing when his gaze shifted from minor irritation to deepest depths of displeasure.
She sensed his movement, despite her own quickness; she wasn't able to escape as his arms suddenly encircled her, dragging her across the tiny space still separating them.
"You would doubt me?" he leaned forward to nuzzle against her, pressing his mouth against the collar of her day yukata before sliding down, pushing her back slightly giving him room to lean forward.
He snagged the tie on the back of her robe and pulled. The fabric tie slid against itself and unwound and the fabric loosed.
He dropped his eyes down, his fingers tightening in the material pulling it farther open. Her skin was pale and white.
And there was nothing underneath but skin, pure white, milky colored skin.
He feasted on her, his eyes drifting from the column of her neck to the small dip of her navel. A thin wisp of material covered her from just below her navel to her mid-knee, protecting the last vestige of her modesty. He groaned at the sight of her.
Her gasp met his ears, but didn't slow his movement. He pulled her back to him, his hands tightening at her back, pulling the material across her torso tight. He turned his face up, seeking her mouth.
He pulled her lips to his, seeking resistance or compliance, but seeking something. He kissed her hard, sparing no quarter for gentleness. His hands tightened again and the fabric slipped, sliding off her shoulders and falling down her back to gather over his hands. He pulled it, taking her wrists back with it, causing her to lean back sharply, mouth open in a gasp.
He pulled the material, tying it awkwardly, but enough to keep her bound. Her face contorted into one of protest. He pulled, sliding her forward against him once more, and again, took her mouth.
"Aoshi-mmph!" Her protest met his lips and died. He kissed her possessively, probing, touching, and seeking territory to claim like a rabid conqueror.
But she was his already.
He just needed to convince her of it.
Just a little more...
Always a little more...
His mouth moved lower, his tongue laving over her collar bone, sliding, sucking, enjoying the salty flavor of her.
"Aoshi...sama..." She gasped.
Momentarily, he wondered if the others could hear.
Momentarily, he worried.
Momentarily, he reconsidered... and then he decided.
He was going to have her, damn whatever anyone else thought. He wanted to hear his lover's voice raised because of him.
Glazed and passion tinted, she was beautiful.
She tried to speak, her voice breaking on his name.
"Misao..."
He drew his legs in, folding them in his meditation style sitting her on him. As much as he wanted to push forward, to slide into her and abandon all need of any further consent than what he already had, he couldn't.
"Yes or no?"
He felt the faint tremble of her body, but made no move to release her bound hands or to penetrate her, the latter of which was almost making him tremble.
"...shi-sama..."
It was all the answer he cared to wait for. He was lost. Reality broke and shattered around him, the scent of pine and forest filled his head, swimming about him and the soft feel of her hips against his palms was all he registered.
"Aoshi-sama..."
Her voice flitted through his ears and his eyes snapped open. Misao's breath was hot against his shoulder and her body was awkwardly situated in his lap, with her clothes binding her wrists behind her.
What had he just done?
AN:That last scene really got chopped upfor posting here, I hope even that doesn't exceed guidelines. It shouldn't.
This version was HEAVILY CENSORED, you may read the full NC-17 version at my website. Please see my profile.