A/N: Sorry for taking so long, I got caught up with a new project, "Darkness Rising". My serious stories tend to take more precedence over my humor fics, so O-XIIIdW-M got shoved on the back burner. Everyone has my sincerest apologies! Just for some recap, let's go over who's in whose group.
In Wal-Mart...
Group One: Roxas, Axel, Demyx, and Zexion.
Group Two: Larxene, Marluxia, Vexen, and Lexaeus.
Group Three: Saïx, Xigbar, Xaldin, and Luxord.
In the World That Never Was...
Star Wars Group: Xemnas... just Xemnas.
Now some acknowledgements (in no particular order), and then onto the chapter!
Thanks for: reviewing: WinterDancer, NocturnalWriter, Kairi and Cloud, i AM the Random Idiot, Sahxyel, Suko-chan, Zexionfavorite-ing: Jenaisis-Sama, Kairi and Cloud, Suko-chan/alerting: Kairi and Cloud, Neassa, Suko-chan, Taora, WinterDancer If I spelled your name wrong, I apologize; I'm tired.
Disclaimer: The only thing I own in this chapter would be the word 'bathroomically'.
"Um... Roxas?" Demyx had to jog to catch up with his group. "I have to go potty."
"We aren't even in the store yet." Roxas walked without fear through the parking lot. He had been unofficially voted the team leader, since he and Axel seemed to have the most experience with this strange demon-store that the unaware referred to as Wal-Mart.
"But I have to go!"
"You should have gone before we left."
Demyx sulked. "I didn't have to go then."
Roxas stopped and glared at the bathroomically-challenged Nobody. "You can go... potty," he practically spit the word out, "...in the store, okay?"
Sure that he could feel his eyebrows burning, he shrank away from that intense glare, having no desire to look like Axel. "Okay," Demyx said meekly.
"Good." He, Axel, and Demyx caught up with Zexion outside the sliding glass door. "And what's your problem?" Roxas checked an exasperated sigh.
The Cloaked Schemer was frozen stock-still. "The doors are evil..." he whispered, a look of pure unadulterated terror on his face. "They have a mind of their own..."
"They have motion-sensors," the Key of Destiny tried to explain.
Zexion flinched violently as someone walked through the door, giving the Nobody a strange glance as she did so. "I can smell the evil radiating off of them..."
"Nah," Axel answered, coming to his side. "That's just the whole store that you're smelling."
"Are there not normal doors through which we can pass?"
"I'd expect this from Demyx, but not from you," Roxas sighed.
Demyx smiled proudly then realized that he'd just been insulted. "Hey!"
"Do not compare me to him," he warned, crossing his arms. "I want to go through a normal door."
"These are normal on this world." Roxas looked helplessly to Axel, only to see the Flurry of Dancing Flames overcome with silent hysterics. "Look Zexion," he pointed patiently to the little black box above the doors. "It's called a motion sensor. You walk toward it, and the door opens."
"No." Zexion sniffed and turned away. "I refuse."
"What?"
"I have no desire to be chopped in half."
"Huh? You lost me there." Roxas scratched his blond-spiked covered head.
"The doors shall close on me and cut me in two. I refuse, and you can't make me." The Cloaked Schemer stuck his tongue out with a "Nyah!".
"That was mature," Demyx noted ironically, glad that he wasn't the one in trouble for once. Axel lost control and collapsed to the ground laughing, tears streaming from his eyes. While on the cement, he was almost run over by a stroller.
"Shut up, imbecile," Zexion retorted, glaring at Demyx with his one visible eye.
"Don't call me stupid." His eyes narrowed and water began collecting over his head- the prelude to a water attack. The Cloaked Schemer just smirked and beckoned.
"Guys, guys!" Roxas jumped between them, arms raised. "You all just need to calm down. The Superior will be extremely displeased if he learns that we massacred the entire population of this world because Zexion called you an imbecile, Demyx."
"Fine." The Melodious Nocturne all but pouted as he released his water attack. "But I'm not stupid."
"No, you are an imbecile."
"That's the same thing!"
"Do you two want me to go Keyblade on your ass?" Roxas glared at one, then the other.
They both frowned. "No," they said reluctantly.
Axel finally composed himself and stood. "Watch this, Zexy." He walked through the doors, stopping just on the other side of the moving glass and giving him an ingratiating smirk.
"Hn." Zexion crossed his arms, unconvinced, deciding to let the 'Zexy' referrance go with the greater evil staring him straight in the face in the form of the demon-doors.
"I'll hold your hand," Demyx suggested.
"No!" Roxas looked panicked. "No hand-holding! This is embarrassing enough as it is," he added under his breath. He physically tried to dodge the stares of the so-called 'normal' people making their way in through the door.
"Right, you guys have fun with this," Axel called, walking away with his hands in his pockets. "I'm going to go bother the extortionists!"
"The who?" Roxas turned, confused, to see the Flurry of Dancing Flames point toward a young woman ringing a bell with a tin bucket for the Salvation Army. "Axel, don't leave me here!" he cried.
The redhead walked back through the 'in' door and patted Roxas on the head. "You'll be fine."
"Please don't leave me here with them! I'll start begging!" The Key of Destiny dropped down on his knees and grabbed at the hem of Axel's jacket. "Beg, beg, beg," he chanted, blue eyes wide with desperation.
"Alright, enough, enough!" Axel pried the younger Nobody's hands off, disgusted. "Zexion, you're going to force us to use the buddy system."
"The what?" The Cloaked Schemer frowned.
"I'm going to pair you up with Demyx so you don't get hurt or lost, if you don't go through that door!"
Zexion paused. "Will we have to hold hands?"
Axel nodded. "Mm-hm."
"Very well, then, I shall go through these demon-doors, unassisted."
"Don't worry," Roxas grinned brightly. "If you do get chopped in half, we can always sue for munny!"
"That's a good idea," Axel agreed.
"That is not funny." Zexion put his hands in his pockets, closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and ran full-speed ahead.
The doors didn't open fast enough. The Cloaked Schemer slammed into them and stumbled back with his hands clutching his nose and his eyes crossed.
"I don't think you're supposed to run," Demyx stated, pointing out the obvious.
Zexion tripped and fell off the curb, landing flat on his back with a thud.
"This is just pathetic," Roxas sighed as Zexion staggered to his feet.
"I told you!" he ranted, rubbing his nose. "I told you about the evil emanating from those doors!"
"The doors are not evil. They're inanimate objects."
"Um, Roxas?" Demyx raised his hand.
"Yes?" he growled, patience wearing thin.
"Well, Keyblades are inanimate objects too, right?"
"Yeah...?"
"So if there can be no evil in an inanimate object, then there can be no other forces within it, right?"
"I guess..."
"So then why does everyone make such a big deal about being 'chosen by the Keyblade'?" Demyx used air quotes. "Isn't that just like saying that some oversized key fell out of the sky and hit you on the head?"
"The Keyblade is not 'just some key'!" he looked extremely offended.
"But you said-"
"Silence!" Roxas literally growled warningly at the other Nobody. He reached down and grabbed Zexion roughly by the arm. "Let's go." He muscled the Cloaked Schemer through the doors, which almost seemed to open faster in fear of the incensed Keyblade wielder.
Axel shook his hand in mock sadness. "You insulted the Keyblade," he said mournfully to Demyx. "You never insult his Keyblade."
-xXx-
At another one of the many doors, Larxene's group was having a similar problem.
"Marluxia," the only female member of the Organization growled. "You're embarrassing us all; why can't you get this damn door open?"
Marluxia shrugged defensively, but not about to go up against the Savage Nymph, walked forward yet again and slammed into the unyielding glass... yet again.
Larxene tapped her foot impatiently against the sidewalk. "Marluxia..." she warned. She sent a sharp electrical shock through him.
He yelped and walked into the doors again. This pattern continued for about a minute until and elderly lady with her grandson walked out the same door, seeming to be oblivious of the crazily-dressed, pink-haired flower-lover battering himself silly against the glass.
Lexaeus caught on first. "Guys," the Silent Hero said, stepping back and looking up at the sign above the door, marked clearly in several languages. "This is an exit."
-xXx-
Meanwhile, Saïx's group had fared slightly better; they had all made it through the door with little incident. It was once inside the behemoth that they began experiencing some problems.
"Right, let's stick together and get what we need so we can get out of here," Xigbar started. He was interrupted from continuing when a little girl clutching at her mother's hand suddenly screamed and pointed... at him.
It was quite understandable that the young girl be terrified of the Freeshooter; with his scar and eye patch, he was rather intimidating to behold. The little girl buried her face in her mother's skirts as Xigbar cowered behind Xaldin.
"Look what you've done, Xigbar!" Luxord scolded.
The Freeshooter clapped his hands over his ears with a look of purest agony across his face. "Make it stop screaming!" he begged pathetically.
The Gambler of Fate sighed and turned to the child. "Now we'll never get out of here," he muttered. Her mother was glaring at him reproachfully as if Xigbar's fearsome appearance was somehow his fault. "Hello, little girl. What's your name?"
"I told her not to talk to strangers," her mother said haughtily.
"Well, my name is Luxord. Now we aren't strangers anymore." He offered his most disarming smile and knelt down.
The girl sniffed and wiped her nose on her sleeve. "I'm Keiko."
"Hi, Keiko. I'm sorry my friend looks scared you, but I promise that he's nicer than he looks." He looked so genuinely regretful that the child stared shamefully down at the ground. "Do you like card tricks?"
His accent and inherent charm had seemingly mesmerized her mother, so Keiko nodded hopefully. "Uh-huh."
"Watch this." Luxord pulled a deck of black and white cards out of thin air
"Oooh..."
"Pick a card." He offered her the deck.
"Let's go," Saïx said to the others. He, Xigbar, and Xaldin surreptitiously snuck away.
"Wow!" Keiko clapped her hands delightedly. "Do another one!"
"Sorry, Keiko, I have to go shopping with my... friends... now." Luxord smiled in the hopes of keeping her quiet and look over his shoulder; he froze. "Guys?"
There was no one there. They had cruelly abandoned him at the mercy of small children.
He stood up, an expression of what could almost have been described as fear flashing across him face. "Guys? Don't leave me here!"
"He does cool tricks!" Keiko was shouting toward anyone who could hear.
"No... oh, no..." Luxord blinked and backed away as a swarm of unattended children began to converge on him. He tried to raise a card wall to protect himself, but it was too late. "No!" he cried, and then he was smothered.
-xXx-
"Roxas, I have to go pee now." They were just passing the carts on the way in.
"Then-go-PEE!" Roxas yelled, still angry about the prior comment about his Keyblades.
Several people turned and stared; Axel brought his hand to his head in the universal symbol for "he's crazy".
Demyx dashed off for the bathroom, knocking over a display of bouncy balls as he did so.
"Can we not just leave him here?" Zexion requested.
Axel grinned, emerald eyes sparkling mischievously, but Roxas shook his head. "No. We can't do that."
The Flurry of Dancing Flame's shoulders slumped disappointedly. "Roxas..." he whined.
"No. Superior will blame me if Demyx floods the entire store in a panic."
"Oh. Right." Axel looked toward the restroom. "Uh-oh."
Roxas followed his line of sight just in time to see Demyx duck a thrown roll of toilet paper from the women's bathroom. "Sorry!" the water user shouted, tripping over his own feet and several bouncy balls as he attempted to retreat.
Learning from his mistake, Demyx turned to the men's room and pulled at the handle.
It didn't open.
Not to be discouraged, he pulled harder. The door still refused to budge, even as the Melodious Nocturne applied all of his strength. Demyx pouted and kicked at the door, earning nothing but an outcry of pain as he clutched at his foot.
He jumped on one foot, rubbing his toe. "Ow, ow, ow!"
As if in slow motion, Roxas watched the water user land on one of the bouncy balls. "Oh no..." he managed to get out, and Demyx thudded to the floor with a shriek. "Please tell me he's not going to throw a tantrum."
"I'll get us a cart," Axel offered, anxious to get away.
"Yeah, I'll... help," Zexion agreed. They both edged away cautiously.
Roxas groaned, seeing Demyx start to cry and pound his fists against the floor. "Demyx!" he called. "It's marked 'push'!"
-xXx-
Xemnas sat back on his zebra-striped couch, put his zebra-slippered feet up on his zebra-striped footstool on top of his zebra-striped rug, wearing his zebra-striped bathrobe, and munching on a bowl of white popcorn drizzled with chocolate. He grabbed his DVD remote and hit 'play', eyes wide and leaning forward in his seat as the first letters crossed the huge theater-sized screen.
"A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away..."
A/N: Hopefully you all will forgive me for taking so long to update! If you have time, check out my new story called "Darkness Rising".
Every time you read without reviewing, Roxas forces Demyx and Zexion to use the buddy system. With Zexion's reputation on the line, review!