Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended.
Author's Note: Thanks to fulfilled for the beta! This story would have been a lot messier without her.
Summary: I had cause to be jealous. It was understandable if I was jealous. The situation just made me… uncomfortable.
Uncomfortable
krinaia
"You probably met Marty too and you just didn't know it!"
"I meant to tell you."
"…maybe because he still likes me, and maybe he still does a little."
I felt a physical pang at those words, only half-listening to Rory talk about what a great girl Lucy was.
This was not going to bother me.
This was not going to bother me.
This was not going to bother me.
I had to know though- nothing wrong with knowing.
Wanting to know doesn't mean it bothers me.
However.
I know my girlfriend. She's brilliant, but occasionally very dense when it comes to her love life. She told me about the whole Marty situation when we first started dating, and even I knew that he liked her, yet Rory remained oblivious.
So given her tendency to be unaware of her powers of attraction, if she thought that Marty liked her, something had happened. Something big. Something concrete. There was no chance it was just innocent speculation. Had he hugged her too long? Kissed her? Wrote a song? I couldn't not know. The uncertainty would drive me crazy.
"So what happened?" I found myself saying, as casually as possible.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, he must have said or done something, right? To make you think he's still into you," I tried to say as matter-of-factly as possible.
"Hmmm. Well… I don't know," she said fidgeting restlessly in her chair, something I had always found adorable. I wasn't getting that adoring feeling now though. "He… said I was beautiful," she admitted uneasily. "To me. He said it."
I suddenly felt… uncomfortable. There was no other word to describe the feeling. It reminded me of the time I went on cruise in Alaska with some of the Life and Death Brigade members. We saw these huge blocks of ice protruding from the water's surface, and had no idea how far they went. There wasn't enough information to make me scared. Just enough to make me feel…
Uncomfortable.
It was not going to bother me, I vowed to myself, believing it fully. It was just Marty. He was just a bartender. She was totally out of his league.
"Well, can't blame a guy for that; you are beautiful."
She smiled shyly. "The way he said it."
Somehow that made me uncomfortable too.
Beyond uncomfortable actually.
It made me…
Nervous.
Was that sweet smile on her face because I had called her beautiful?
Or was she remembering exactly how Marty had called her that?
"You're right. So what, you guys have been hanging out?" We talk on the phone every day, and not once has Marty's name come up. She's never mentioned him. It made me uncomfortable again, to know that she kept something from me.
"No!" she answered quickly. "Just when he's around, with Lucy."
"So you have been hanging out," I said with a smile- the same deceptive smile I gave whenever I got someone to do something I wanted. In this case, I got Rory to tell me things she had been hiding. I was definitely relieved she was coming clean, but I wasn't so sure how I felt about what she was talking about.
Of course, she saw right through me. "Just with Lucy," she reassured.
"So why the secrecy?" I couldn't help myself. I had to know.
"I told you, I was caught off guard-"
"No, with me," I cut her off gently. "Why did you never mention that you and Marty were hanging out again?"
It wasn't an unreasonable demand, I told myself. In fact, it would have been perfectly natural for any guy in my position to feel threatened. I took pride in the fact that I didn't feel threatened at all. All I felt was uncomfortable. Not jealous, not worried.
I mean, I was in London. Miles away, while my girlfriend was hanging out with a guy who had wanted her since his freshman year.
I had cause to be jealous. It was understandable if I was jealous.
Which I wasn't. That actually made me wonder a bit. I felt that I should be more jealous, more protective. But really, I haven't spent two years with Rory and not learned anything. I knew that she loved me; maybe not as much as I love her, but I know she does. Even if Marty did like Rory, she loved me. She had chosen me over him then, and she was definitely choosing me over him now.
The situation merely made me uncomfortable. Marty aside, I trust Rory. And I trust that she loves me.
"Oh, I just didn't think it mattered."
"Well you're just not usually the secret-keeping type. Of course that was of course before I knew you were Rory 'High Stakes Deception' Gilmore."
"Oh it wasn't a secret. I mean, I didn't tell you. That's… it," she shrugged simply. "I swear. I didn't not tell you. I just didn't think there was anything to tell."
And again, I witnessed Rory's obliviousness to exactly how appealing she is, and how much power she holds over those enthralled with her. Enthralled really was the word to describe that allure. I sighed. "Well, you have to tell Lucy."
If there was one virtue I prized, it was honesty. People called me many things, but I was nothing if not honest. It was one of the things my dad first taught me. My father is many things: arrogant, conceited, self-involved, proud… I could go on and on, but no one, after meeting him, can say he is dishonest. My dad after all is a journalist. He makes money based on the truth.
According to my dad, the truth is more powerful and dangerous than any lie.
Just ask Jason Stiles.
"I know. I will. Just… I need to figure out the right time and way to do it. I just don't want to screw anything up," she replied.
"A little brotherly advice? Tell her sooner rather than later."
"Yeah, I will. I'll figure something out. We don't have to go to dinner with them, though. I can cancel that."
God this was strange. Rory was never one to back down from a night of good friends and good food.
"No it's fine; we can go to dinner with them. Unless there's something on your end."
Alright, I couldn't help that last bit. I just had to know.
"No!" she answered me incredulously. "Logan- God no."
"Good. Then let's go to dinner."
I'd get the answers I needed then.
"Lucy wait!"
I finally found her standing under a tree next to a silver Porsche, eerily still, her back to me. As I moved closer, I saw her staring at the ground. Her arms were folded tightly across her chest.
"Stop right there," she snapped, keeping the car in between her and me.
Probably Logan's, I thought bitterly.
"Lucy, look-"
"No. Me first." She whirled around. "You will stand there. I am going to stand on the other side of this car. I am going to talk, you are going to listen, and you will answer my questions."
I could only nod. I put my hands in my pockets. "I'll tell you anything you want to know."
She looked me straight in the eye. "See, I've been racking my brain, and there's only one reason I can think of for keeping the fact that you're friends from me." She folded her arms across her chest. "The fact that you were friends isn't something you hide. It's something you hide only if there was something monumentally wrong that happened. And the most logical monumentally wrong thing I can think of is that you guys used to date. And it was a bad break up."
She shook her head. "But I don't want to do that. I don't want to guess. I want to know. I think I deserve that. Marty, why did you hide the fact that you knew Rory from me?"
How did I explain Rory Gilmore to her?
"Freshman year, Rory and I both used to live at Branford. I was passed out naked in the hallway, and she found me and gave me her robe. We became friends." I stared hard at the ground. "I developed feelings for her. When I finally wanted to do something about it, she had a boyfriend. Dean. After that whole fiasco, she seemed to get back to normal. Things between us were going back to normal. And then she started hanging out with Huntzberger."
"Who swept her off her feet and left you in the sidelines?" she snorted. "So you were the untold part of the story in the famous 'Annette Benning'-ing of Logan Huntzberger?"
I tried to smile, but it came off more a pained grin. "It's not nearly as romantic as the stories say. Rory was just one of the many to Logan. She was just another of the girls on his little black book. He cycled between her and five other girls." It came out sounding a little more bitter than I would have liked.
"And did she cycle between you and Logan?"
God, how was I supposed to answer this?
"We were just friends."
Lucy just stared at me in disbelief.
"I swear we were. There was absolutely nothing romantic between us."
She arched an eyebrow, looking back at me with the same disbelieving look.
What could I say to make her understand? To make her understand that there really was never anything between Rory and me? It seemed ironic and unfair that I had never done anything with Rory, or had gotten anywhere with her, yet to Lucy, I might as well have. I was being punished for my supposed relationship with Rory.
It wouldn't have mattered if there had actually been something. It would have been deserved. But I didn't deserve the way she was treating me now. What was she punishing me for? A miserable year of horrible unrequited love? Not to mention a year of feeling like I was dirt. That I would never be enough. Not for Rory, not for anyone.
The night I went out with them to that Chinese place had to be the worst I've felt in my life. When Logan showed up suddenly, Rory changed entirely. Her eyes lit up when she saw Logan, and she looked at me regretfully.
Regretfully. Like she didn't want me there at all, but was too nice to actually say anything.
And that was just Rory.
Logan on the other hand acted like Rory belonged to him. When he saw that she was with me, another guy, on what most people would consider a date, he didn't even blink. He wasn't affected by it at all. He just went, "You come too. If you're going to be hanging around Ace like this it's time I get to know you without a waiter's uniform on. Let's go." Without checking to see if we followed him, he left. He had complete confidence that Rory would follow him.
I'd always hated Logan and his friends- privileged white males who acted like they owned the world, talking to everyone like servants, just because daddy gave them a limitless credit card. I hated him like I had never hated anyone in my life.
It took one flirtatious look at the waitress and a flash of the name written on his credit card to get him a private room at a restaurant I'd have had to blow a week's pay just to eat at.
I thought that that was the height of my hatred of him but I was wrong. When we reached the room, he moved Rory's chair closer to him, and put his arm around her, never mind that she had been talking to me at the time. I hated him so much at that moment. Anything he wanted he could just reach out and take. Even though Logan liked Rory, she was just another girl to him. I knew that he couldn't possibly feel as much for Rory as I did. He didn't know her like I did. And I didn't understand why she smiled at him when he did that, in a way that she never did with me.
"And then?"
Oh.
I had said all that out loud.
"The night of course ended up monumentally wrong. I ended up having to borrow eighty dollars from Rory to pay for the food."
"Was that it?"
No, she stomped all over my heart later that night too. "I walked her back to her dorm, and told her I had feelings for her."
"Did you kiss her?" There was a hard edge to Lucy's voice.
"No!" I defended myself quickly. "I told her I liked her, and she told me she liked Logan."
Lucy stared at the ground hard. "Do you still have feelings for her?"
"Yeah, I'd like to hear that too," came an all too familiar voice.
Oh great. Logan Huntzberger. As if he hadn't made my life miserable enough.
"No I don't! Stay out of this Huntzberger!" Why the hell was that guy still living? Did he have nothing better to do on this earth than screwing up all the great relationships I had?
"I would, but you're leaning on my car," Logan said flatly, stepping into the light. "Besides, after all those underhanded cracks you've been making all night, I think there are a lot of things you want to say to me."
I stared back at him. Was he serious?
"See, I actually thought you grew a backbone for a minute there."
Why the hell couldn't I say anything? I could only stand there, staring at the arrogant society boy.
Logan sighed. "Come on Lucy. It looks like you don't really want to be around Marty. I can drop you off at your dorm."
She sniffed. I hadn't realized she was crying. "Thanks, Logan."
As she got into his car, I couldn't help but think that was yet another girl Logan Huntzberger had stolen from me.
"Do you think Marty's in love with Rory?" I asked Logan as he started backing up the car.
He glanced at me briefly.
"I hope not."
"So you do?"
Logan looked uncomfortable. "Let's just say I'm trying not to think about it."
Yeah. I thought he was too. I don't know why I didn't see it before. Normally, Marty's a cheerful person, but around Rory he's different. Sometimes he's more cheerful than usual, or quieter, or more demonstrative, but bottom line, he's different when she's there.
"Logan?"
"Yeah?"
"Can you tell me about Marty and Rory?" I was being pathetic, asking the boyfriend of the other girl for information, but I just had to know. "Was there anything between them?"
"I really think that this is something you should be hearing from Marty or Rory. Not me," Logan said uneasily.
"Look, I wish I could talk to them, but I can't trust them anymore. I mean they lied to me! You told me the truth. Can you tell me what you know about them?"
Logan took a deep breath. "I guess. I don't know much about Marty really. I never really paid attention to him- I only was with him when he was bartending or when he was with Rory. And when I was with Rory, she was pretty much the only thing I paid attention to.
"Marty introduced us, like I said a while ago. I don't really know much personally about Marty, except that he makes a great margarita. Most of the stuff I know about him is what Rory told me. As far as their relationship goes, they were pretty good friends. They'd watch movies and eat leftover food from the parties that Marty bartended at."
"That's it?"
"Wish I could tell you more," Logan shrugged. "I do know however, with absolute certainty, that there was never anything on Rory's part. Rory always thought of Marty as a friend."
I snorted. "Must be good for your ego."
"No, it's good because I'm completely in love with Rory," Logan commented wryly. "I like the thought that my girlfriend has no feelings for another guy."
Oh great. Perfect way to end the night. Fighting with all three of the people at dinner. "I'm sorry Logan. I didn't mean to take it out on you."
"It's all right. I'm pretty pissed at Rory too if it helps any."
"What for?"
"She didn't tell me about Marty."
"You're mad about that?"
"Bothered a bit. Rory doesn't normally keep things from me."
"Must be nice," I commented wistfully.
Logan looked confused. "I don't get it."
"To know someone that well. I mean, there's so much stuff about Marty I don't know."
I realized as I was walking out of that restaurant that I didn't know any of Marty's friends. None of them. He always hung out with Olivia and me. That scared me.
"It'll come with time. How long have you guys been dating?"
"A few months."
"Rory and I have been together for almost two years. These things take time."
"I know."
"You just have to trust each other, I guess. It probably seems like you can't trust Marty now- and by the way I have no idea why I'm sticking up for him because I can't stand him- but give him another chance."
"Really?"
"Rory thought he was a pretty good friend. So if Rory liked him, it means he's a pretty good guy," he said simply.
I found myself smiling at how much Logan trusted Rory.
"You really think a lot of her, don't you?"
"I do."
Logan pulled the car over. "Take care, Lucy."
"Thanks."
It wasn't fair. Rory Gilmore already had Logan. What did she need Marty for?
"How was dinner?"
I threw down my bag and jacket.
"Marty's in love with Rory."
Author's Note: I found Lucy's reaction in the episode a bit over the top, which was why I felt compelled to write this. Review please!