Unexpected Detours, chapter 4
Han busied himself with the final preparations on his dinner. He wanted to start the evening off right, considering that this was their official first date. Thankfully, Chewie had replenished the Falcon's galley with fresh food during their side trip to Mantigua. Thankfully, the populace there seemed to enjoy a relatively pleasant palate, not that anything ever compared to Corellian cuisine. And thankfully, Chewbacca hadn't gotten around to eating it all. Somehow, Han couldn't imagine their evening going well if it began with a meal of re-hydrated rations.
And he wanted it to go well. He knew at some point there would be a discussion - 'okay, an argument' - after all, everything between them seem to turn into an argument. Still, in some part of his mind, he believed that in the end, they could work it out. There were reasons deep inside him that made him want to work things out with this incredible woman. Reasons he rather not examine, yet. Reasons that had nothing to do with simply continuing their nightly rendezvous'.
Leia arrived shortly before 1900 and he could tell she was nervous the moment she boarded his ship. He knew she feared the upcoming conversation. He feared it as well, but not for the same reasons. He had never put himself on the line before; had never taken a risk; had never been the first to ask for more out of a relationship. He knew that was why he feared their upcoming discussion. On the other hand, he was pretty confident that Leia feared it mostly because it was unknown. She didn't know how the next act would play out. She had been directing the holofilm of their relationship over the past two weeks and he was about to take over that direction. He hoped it was only the unknown that scared her, not the fear of him asking her for more than she was willing to give.
Regardless, he knew that conversation would not go well if he didn't set the proper mood. He wanted her to be relaxed, at ease in his presence. They had been tiptoeing around each other in the light of day for days now. Han was determined to prevent that atmosphere of nervousness from invading their dinner date. Silently, he led her to his makeshift dining table. The holo chess board had a cloth draped over it and he had dimmed the overhead lights so the area was lit with a gentle glow. It lacked the ambiance of some of the swankier places he had dined in, but it still seemed transformed from the way it had looked just a few hours ago. A bottle of wine chilling in an ice bucket served as the table's centre piece and he removed the bottle temporarily from the arrangement, pouring them a each a glass.
Leia accepted the glass, sitting on the edge of the bench that curved behind the table. "Han, you didn't have to go to so much trouble."
He replaced the bottle and settled on the bench opposite her. "It wasn't much trouble, and besides," he answered, "I did invite a princess for dinner. I figure it was the least I could do."
"Could you please drop the title? At least for a while. I mean, I've been coming here every night and…"
Han held up his hand to cut her off. He cursed his mistake at referring to her royal status. He knew that every time he did it just served to raise her ire and he didn't want that for tonight. And he didn't want to her talk about their evening tryst's yet either.
"You're right, Leia, I'm sorry. But it really wasn't much trouble and I didn't mind doing it. I just wanted us to have a nice dinner and seeing as there's a shortage of fancy restaurants on Hoth, I thought I'd improvise."
She smiled and sipped from her glass, wordlessly accepting his truce.
"You know, I didn't realize how much I'd miss going outside. I haven't really been outside since we left Yavin."
Han was a little surprised by the jump in her train of thought, but recovered quickly. "I don't know if anyone's told you this yet, but it's cold out there. Trust me, I've been outside and you don't want to go outside."
She laughed at his intended joke. "I don't want to go outside, here, you nerf-herder."
"Hey, I thought we agreed to drop the titles," he quipped in return.
Leia inclined her head in response before continuing along her original train of thought. "I know it's cold out there. I just hadn't imagined that it would be this cold. So cold that you can't just go for a walk to clear your head. I haven't been outside for over a month and I miss it. If only I had known when we were on Mantigua. Maybe I would've traded places with Luke and made the trek through the wilderness with Chewie instead."
Han had stood during their conversation, moving to get them each a bowl of Paghurian soup to start their meal. "Well, let me tell you," he answered as he returned to the table. "For the record, I'm glad that you didn't. I don't think I would've had as much fun with Luke."
Leia blushed vividly as she recalled the reason that she hadn't left the Falcon that day and silently turned to her soup. Han worried that he had ruined their casual conversation and that the earlier awkwardness would return. He had been thrilled that they had so easily slid into a relaxed banter and now he had ruined the exact effect he had been hoping to achieve. 'Slick, Solo. Real slick.' Surprisingly, he had worried needlessly. Leia recovered quickly and their conversation continued to flow as the meal progressed.
"You know," Leia dabbed at the corners of her mouth with her napkin before tossing it on to her empty plate. "I'm beginning to understand why this planet is uninhabited. Do you have any idea how much it costs to run this place? Fuel for the generators alone is using up most of our credits. And nothing is here. We have to go off world for all of our supplies and it's not like there's a planet nearby. The cost of a supply run is through the roof. We're trying to live with just the basic necessities, but we're spending more than ever before. Our weekly food budget is almost double what it was on Yavin and there we actually got to eat real food."
"Yeah, I guess there's a reason in this day and age that a planet is abandoned. You need Chewie and me to go on a run?"
"We might, not yet, but we will." Leia tried not to think about sleeping alone while Han smuggled in supplies for the rebellion. She forced herself instead to think only of the pleasant evening they had just shared. Rising, she began clearing the dishes from the table.
"Oh no, princess." Han took the plates from her hand, flashing a grin as she raised an eyebrow in response to his use of her title. "Clean up's on me."
He carried the dishes into the galley and stacked them in the sink. He had never gotten around to fixing the automatic cleaner; there was always something more important to fix on the Falcon. He began filling the sink with water.
"No, Han, really. Let me do that." Leia moved to stand beside him. "You went through so much trouble and the dinner was excellent. I can't let you wash the dishes as well."
"Oh, I'm not going to wash them. I'm just going to leave them to soak. Chewie'll probably clean them in the morning."
Leia rolled up her sleeves and plunged her hands in the soapy water, making a sound of exasperation as she did so. "Really, Han, I can't believe you."
"What?" He held up his hands innocently, only to have them filled with the first clean plate. "He says he doesn't mind washing dishes. That's why neither of us has bothered to fix the washer."
He reached in the cupboard for a drying cloth and the pair made quick work of the sink full of dishes. Placing the last pot in its compartment, Han poured them each a mug of heated Corellian brandy before joining Leia at the table. She sipped from her mug cautiously before closing her eyes as the smooth liquid travelled down her throat.
"Isn't this nice?" he asked.
"It is. What is this drink again?"
"Not the drink, Leia," Han answered, slightly frustrated. "The night. The dinner. The drink. The conversation. All of it. I don't know about you, but I thought it was rather nice spending the evening with you."
She smiled, but could sense an underlying frustration in his tone. "Yes, it was nice, Han. Thank you for having me."
"Don't get all polite with me. I'm not some politician who just had you and a hundred of his closest friends over for dinner." He rose from the table and began to pace, stopping in front of her. "I'm the man you've slept with every night for the past two weeks." He resumed his pacing. "Don't you think it would be nice to do this more often? To share our dinner and our day before we share our bed. Wouldn't it be nice to sit at this same table in the morning and share a cup of kaffe before we have to start the next day? What is it about this that seems so horrible to you that you would break my nose over it?"
He had stopped pacing then and stood in front of her, ready for battle. She held his gaze briefly, meeting the anger and frustration there before turning away. Her voice, when she answered, was barely above a whisper.
"I told you I was sorry, Han. I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't know it was you when I did that."
"You didn't know it was me!" Han returned her whisper with an angry shout. "Who in hells did you think it was? If I remember correctly, you knew it was me when you were sleeping beside me. You knew it was me when you got up to leave. And you had to have known it was me when I was yelling at you and trying to get you to calm down. How could you not know it was me?"
"I just… I was trapped and I had to get out. I did what I had to do to get away. I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to hurt you."
The confession seemed to have deflated her. She sat with her head hanging, hiding her eyes from him. Her entire posture held an air of defeat - something he had never associated with her before and it confused him. Her words penetrated his mind then. She had been fighting him, but it hadn't been him. There was more to her actions than she was telling. He slid along the bench until he sat beside her.
"You do know that I wouldn't hurt you, Leia." He brushed a tendril of hair from her cheek before sliding his arm around her. "You know that, right?"
She nodded silently, the tenderness in his voice stirring the fount of emotions that she normally kept tightly wrapped inside. She fought to suppress the tears that threatened to spill as he pressed her head against his shoulder, wishing that he hadn't been kind. She couldn't handle his kindness. It cracked the foundation of the walls she had built around her emotions so long ago. She needed to leave to patch the hole before the walls collapsed and she was lost.
"Something happened, didn't it? You can tell me, you know, if you want."
He gathered her awkwardly on his lap, wrapping her fully in his embrace. The warmth of his body and his voice wrapped her in security and she revelled in the warmth that surrounded her. She drew strength from his warmth and fortified her walls. When she answered, her voice was low but carried no hint of the tears that had threatened just moments before: "I know. And I will, soon."
Han held her silently and digested her refusal to share with him an event that had had such an effect on her. Admittedly, there were a few details of his past that he wasn't ready to share with her either. But, he also knew that he wouldn't let them stand in the way of their fledgling relationship. 'And, I certainly wouldn't confuse her for Garris Shrike.'
"Okay, Leia, I'm not going to ask you to tell me what happened."
She tilted her head up, meeting his hazel eyes as she murmured "thank you".
"But, I need you to explain something. If your punching me had nothing to do with me, then why is it such a big deal for you to stay with me. I know that when you get up to leave each night, I'm the man you're leaving. I know you know that it's me. And I might think that it's because you're just using me if I thought you could ever be like that. But I don't think you could ever be like that… just flenchk a man and then leave him."
Han's use of the Corellian curse word caused her to straighten in his arms. That, and the vulnerability she had glimpsed in his eyes as he had rambled on before cursing. Twisting, so she could face him directly, she placed her hands on his broad shoulders. The vulnerability she had glimpsed was gone, replaced with a mask of cold indifference.
"Han, you know… you have to know that I would never do something like that. And, even if I did want to use a man for some nightly exercise, I would never choose you." She hurriedly continued before he could interrupt: "I care too much about you for that." She paused to gather courage for her own revelation. "I care too much about you to stay with you. I'm afraid of caring too much. I'm afraid that I already do."
Frustrated that her words hadn't yielded the desired realization in his face, she used his shoulders as leverage to push herself off his lap. "You don't understand and I don't know what else to say. I can't explain…"
He pulled her back on his lap. "It's okay. It's okay for now. Just promise me one thing, okay? Just promise me you'll try."
She nodded silently in response. Then, feeling the need to demonstrate her commitment more definitively, she cradled his face in her hands and met his lips in a kiss. The kiss quickly deepened and soon Leia felt herself lifted as he carried her to his room. She recognized that this wasn't a celebration of the progress in their relationship, but rather a retreat, a shift back to their comfort zone. The irony that sex had become comfortable when they had spent over a year avoiding it wasn't lost on her either. A princess who found comfort in sex with a smuggler. Well, these were times of war and any comfort, no matter where it was found, was to be cherished, not questioned. Even as the last statement ran through her mind, she recognized the hollowness of it and glimpsed the truth that she hid behind it.
A/N: Still more to come, although this chapter seemed to wrap itself up nicely. I just love it when that happens. I will not threaten for reviews, but have no qualms about begging: please, please, pretty please, with a whipped cream covered Han Solo on top:) Scarlet (off to dream about Han and ice cream - now, how do I use that in the next chapter?)