Unexpected Detours, part 7
Feeling better now that she had decided that she would stop fighting her feelings for Han, Leia took the time to clean herself up before going to greet him. She stood in the sonic refresher humming, feeling both tired and rejuvenated at the same time. It was a curious feeling and she couldn't help but question the sleepless nights she had spent alternating between missing and worrying about him. She didn't doubt that she would have missed him, but she wondered, had she accepted her feelings for him, would she have been able to sleep while doing so. She smiled to herself as the last thought crossed her mind. She knew that her inability to sleep at night had something to do with her missing and worrying about Han. But she also knew that, feelings accepted or not, after falling asleep in his arms every night for the past two months, she would not have slept well in her lonely cot, whether she had known that he was safe or not.
Feeling refreshed and excited to see Han, Leia hurried to the hanger bay. The flurry of activity that must have surrounded his arrival had cleared by the time she arrived and all that remained were a few rebels helping unload the cargo from the Falcon's storage areas. She entered the ship and moved to the cockpit searching for the man who had occupied so many of her thoughts. To her chagrin, the cockpit was empty, as was the galley and Han's cabin. Determining that he might be outside the ship, supervising the unloading of the cargo, she turned to leave. It was then that she heard his booted steps on the ramp and his voice as it carried along the passageways.
"I don't care, Chewie. I've got to take care of this thing with Jabba. It's getting out of hand."
Chewie growled in return and Leia thought she heard the words "think" and "leave".
"Look, I know it's not going to be easy and I know Jabba's not going to be happy. But I've got to pay him before the price on my head gets so high that I have every bounty hunter in the galaxy after me. And you, too. Don't forget it's not just my freedom I'm looking after here."
Chewie barked another response and this time Leia was certain she heard her name a few times. She cursed her poor grasp of the alien tongue, wishing for a better understanding of their conversation. Then again, a part of her didn't want to know what they were really saying. Because at the moment, it seemed as if they were talking about leaving and she was fairly certain that there was little likelihood that they were also talking about returning.
'I spent the last two weeks worried about him and missing him and learning about my feelings for him. Apparently, all he learned over that time was how much he enjoyed his old life… his life before me.'
Immediately after the thought completed in her mind, the door to his cabin opened.
"Leia!" A smile burst on his face. "I've been looking for you."
"Well," she answered, a half-smile in answer to his full one. "I'm right here."
He seemed unaffected by her less than enthusiastic welcome and pulled her into his arms. He held her tightly and she remembered how his warmth could chase away the cold. His hand slid up her back until it tangled in her freshly braided hair. Sliding free from the strands, his thumb caressed her jaw before tilting her chin up. His soft lips found hers and soon she was lost in their kiss. Heart pounding, she abandoned herself to her senses, savouring the taste of him, his undeniably masculine scent, the taut muscles of his back smooth beneath the caress of her hands. They separated, breathless and she failed to contain the shiver of pleasure that coursed through her as he exhaled with a sigh that caressed her ear gently.
"Oh, gods, Leia. I missed you."
His voice was barely a whisper and she closed her eyes to his confession, knowing the lie it held and afraid of the truth it told. How could he hold her and tell her that he missed her like that and not mean it? How could he mean it and not want to stay with her? Tears welled in her eyes and she cursed her inability to control her emotions, realizing suddenly that owning her emotions offered as many roadblocks as passageways. Feeling joy meant feeling pain. Controlling joy had meant controlling pain. She seemed to be dissolving into tears every day now and she hated the lack of control that those tears exposed.
Taking several minutes and several deep, steadying breaths, she pulled away from his embrace. "I have to go. I just stopped by to see you and to tell you that I was glad that you made it back safely."
If Han was put off by her almost-formal response, he gave her no indication. He tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "I know you have work to do. Come by later for dinner. I brought us back a nice bottle of wine."
She nodded silently, not trusting her voice to shield her emotions, and hurried off the ship. Pausing first in her quarters to address the dishevelled state of her hair, she continued to the briefing that had been scheduled immediately after lunch. A lunch that she hadn't taken the time to eat, not that she had much of an appetite as of late. However, skipping lunch after having skipped breakfast meant for a really long day. She checked her chrono and surmised that she had enough time to stop in the cafeteria for a protein drink that would serve to tide her over until dinner. 'Dinner with Han. How can I sit through a dinner with him and pretend that I don't know that he's planning to leave?' Shaking her head in answer to her silent question, she continued hurriedly to her meeting.
"… and for now that's all we need to discuss on the budget. Princess Leia is working on a few angles to try to improve our situation, but until then, please remember to conserve wherever possible." General Rieekan stood at the front of the room, addressing the various area commanders before him. "Now onto a more pressing and dire matter."
Leia sat up straighter in her seat. Her thoughts had drifted throughout the general's summary of the rebellion's current financial situation. She didn't make it a habit of drifting off during important briefings, but she had practically written the general's entire report and knew that there would be no new information for her in this area. The tone of his last comment had garnered her attention though. That, and a feeling deep inside her that told her that their uneventful tenure on Hoth might be drawing to an end.
"As many of you know, Captain Solo and First Mate Chewbacca have just returned from a supply run that ran several days over schedule. Apparently, the complications that we were assured had been taken care of before we dispatched the Millennium Falcon were not completely neutralized. Just as they departed Anobis Prime, the Falcon fell under heavy fire and I'm certain that, were it to have been flown by lesser skilled pilots, the Falcon would not have been able to escape and return to base.
"According to Captain Solo, he felt quite certain that the Imperials were not only involved, but that they knew of the Falcon's connection to the rebellion. There are only two ways this could have occurred: either there was a leak in the group on Anobis, or there is a leak amongst our group here."
There was a general murmur of disbelief throughout the room. For her part, Leia was struggling to absorb the reality of the danger that Han had been in during his absence. She hadn't even thought to question his delay once he had arrived; she had been happy just to have him home. And, on top of everything else, she had to take in the idea that there might be a traitor in their midst.
Rieekan continued after the murmur dimmed. "I'm asking each of you to keep a close watch on your ranks and to keep your chain of information limited to a need-to-know basis. Captain Solo assures me that he took the necessary precautions to prevent anyone from following him here so we draw no further danger from that quarter. We will be grounding all ships until further notice. Keep your eyes and ears open and may the force be with you."
Leia completed a few tasks in a fog before escaping to the quiet of her quarters. She had hoped to sleep, succumbing to the exhaustion that had followed her for several days now, but found instead that she lay awake contemplating the emotional pod race of her day. She had felt sheer joy at the discovery of Han's safe arrival; complete rejection at his plans to leave her; total betrayal and utter longing for what could-have-been as he held her and made her want to believe the words that he whispered in her ear. She had discovered that she had almost lost him and may have never had the chance to hear him whisper those words at all. And she discovered that that loss could have been the work of someone that she knew and trusted.
She tried to think of everyone who knew of Han's trip to Anobis Prime. There was the general, herself and Luke; he had been present when she had relayed the mission to Han. There was the crew in the hanger bay that had helped prepare the Falcon for take-off. There was also the various command personnel that had been in the numerous meetings that had surrounded this particular supply run. The list was endless and yet it was small at the same time. They didn't do much in the way of securing intelligence amongst the faction stationed here on Hoth. Everyone who was here had been here since day one. The thought that one of their own was responsible made her head pound, not just because of the pain of that betrayal, but also the depth of that person' knowledge. Rieekan had been right - they needed to change the way they conducted the rebellion.
Despite her best intentions, Leia's thoughts drifted back to Han. The very fact that she was currently devoting so much time and energy to their relationship justified why she had avoided personal relationships in the past. She was a leader of the rebellion, a commander of troops, not a weak-willed woman who worshipped a rogue spacer to the point of insomnia. She despised the fact that he had driven away her anger with a simple embrace and a few words of longing. Words that she knew that she had needed to hear, even if they hadn't been completely truthful. She hated needing them; she hated needing him. And she couldn't deny that she had grown to need him. She couldn't sleep without him because she had spent so many nights in his arms. She wanted to spend so many more nights in his arms, even if it meant never being able to sleep again. She had grown dependent on him and he couldn't be depended on. She couldn't afford to be dependent on him; she had too many people depending on her. She needed to be strong. He was strong. What she couldn't understand was that even though he seemed to envelop her in his strength, she never felt weak in his presence. The truth was that she usually felt strengthened.
Checking her chrono, she dismissed her thoughts, realizing that Han would be expecting her for dinner. Dragging herself from her cot, she made the trek to the hanger. A trek too short to give her sufficient time to sort out their relationship: how she would handle this latest development, whether she would tell him that she knew he was leaving and whether she had the nerve to ask him to stay. Chewie was leaving as she climbed the ramp and she smiled a quick greeting which he returned with a growl. Entering the Falcon, she found the common area staged as it had been the first night Han had asked her to join him for dinner. She was even more uncertain of their relationship this night than she had been that night so many nights ago. She sat wordlessly at the table and sipped from the glass of wine that Han had handed her as she had arrived. Her thoughts tumbled through her mind as she tried to organize them and to develop a plan for their next conversation.
Han allowed Leia to set the tone of their evening. He knew from her demeanour that something was troubling her, but also knew from past experience not to question her about it directly. Actually, he could question her, but she would simply tell him that everything was fine. And if he was foolish enough to pursue the topic further, he was sure they would enjoy a terrific argument that would end with one, if not both, of them storming off the ship. He had hopes for something different from this evening, and decided to wait for her to talk to him. Or to at least give her the opportunity to talk to him before starting an argument about it.
"How's the wine?" he asked, hoping the neutral topic would allow her to relax.
"Good," she answered quietly. "Excellent, actually. We're paying you too well if you can afford a bottle of wine like this."
"Don't worry, Leia. No hard-earned rebellion dough in that glass. Just pure strategy and a little luck at the Sabaac tables."
"So that's why you decided to extend your trip. So you could have some extra time to gamble?" Leia's tone was sharp in answer.
"Easy, Leia. No need to get so worked up. In case you didn't hear already, Chewie and me ran into some imps when we were leaving Anobis and thought it might be better to look like we were on a trip of our own rather than leading them here. Hopping into a couple of high-profile tournaments seemed like a pretty good diversion, even if it did manage to catch the interest of a couple of bounty hunters at the same time."
Han left the table and stalked into the galley. He was fast approaching the limits of his patience with the woman seated at his table. She had been less-than-thrilled to see him this afternoon and now she was questioning the time he had spent away. Time that had been spent risking his life so that she wouldn't have to risk hers. Chewie had warned him against entering the Sabaac tournament, but he had chosen to ignore his friend's advice. He knew that they had to do more than just disguise their return trip to Hoth. He knew that it was in the rebellion's best interest if it wasn't linked to their visit to Anobis at all. He had recalled an old notice on the planet advertising a hotel as one of many stops in an interstellar Sabaac tournament and used that information to create a cover for their departure. He had assumed the added risk of being discovered by one of the many bounty hunters employed by Jabba for the sake of the rebellion. And after all of that, did she even appreciate the extra effort he had gone through to keep them safe? After all of that, did she throw her arms around him and tell him how happy she was to see him?
He slammed empty pots into the sink after having dumped their contents onto two plates. A soft hand pressed against the centre of his back then and the anger bred from his earlier thoughts was diffused in that simple touch. He turned to face her and noticed for the first time how tired she looked. Her pale complexion had become unbelievably paler in the days of his absence. The shadows beneath her eyes had deepened during those days as well.
"I'm sorry, Han," she spoke, turning her gaze downward, away from his. "I didn't mean to snap. I know why you were delayed and I know it was dangerous and…"
He waited for her to continue but after several moments of unbroken silence, he knew that she wasn't ready yet. He would have to wait for her to tell him what she really had on her mind. Her apology renewed his patience and he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close.
"C'mon Leia," he released her and handed her a plate. "You look tired and like you haven't had a decent meal in days."
He could hear the smile in her voice when she answered: "So what are you offering? A good meal or a good night's sleep?"
"How about a little of both? A good meal and a good night. You'll have to take care of the sleep on your own."
"Scoundrel!" she laughed in response.
They settled in comfortably for dinner and ate silently for a time before Han began to relate the story of his ill-fated trip to Anobis Prime.
"I told Rieekan when I got back that I didn't think that the traitor is here and I still don't think so now."
"How can you be so sure? I mean, we didn't broadcast your trip to the entire base, but we didn't exactly keep it quiet either."
"They didn't start shooting at us until they realized that we had found the locator," he reasoned. He had explained to Leia that Chewie had performed a precautionary scan of the ship before takeoff and had found a tracking device attached discreetly at the joint of the rear, portside landing gear. It would have been indiscernible on visual inspection and was technologically advanced enough to avoid detection by all but the most sophisticated ship scanners. Fortunately, the Falcon had been equipped with one of those scanners.
"As we were leaving the planet's atmosphere," he continued, "they must have realized that the signal wasn't moving." He shrugged. "I thought we could make the jump before they found out. Anyway, that's why I told the general that I didn't think we were given up by one of the rebels here. The imperials seemed bent on capturing us, not killing us. If all they had wanted to do was capture us, they had ample opportunity while we were securing the supplies. They didn't have to wait until we were in space."
"But maybe the group on Anobis made the Imperials wait until you had left so they wouldn't be implicated," Leia countered.
Han shrugged his shoulders in response. "Still means that Anobis is suspect. And I still think that their main goal was to track us back here. And if the traitor was here, they wouldn't need a locator to find us."
With Leia's fears about a traitor living amongst the rebels allayed for the time being, her thoughts drifted back to the partial conversation that she had overheard that afternoon. She still hadn't decided whether she was going to tell Han that she had overheard his plans to leave. But her conversation over dinner had convinced her that she would cherish the time that she could still spend with him. Terror had seized her heart as he had enthusiastically described the battle that he and Chewie had barely managed to escape. It forewarned of the pain that would come when Han left her for good. She knew now that that pain was inevitable. And over the course of his storytelling, she had decided that she would rather have had more good times to remember once he had left and that maybe those memories would help her when the pain became too great.
Later that night, she woke with his arms wrapped tightly around her and found that she couldn't return to the peaceful sleep that her exhausted body so desperately needed. His warmth surrounded her and she pressed her back more deeply against his chest, trying to lose herself completely in the circle of his embrace.
'Maybe this is why I had such a hard time falling asleep while he was gone. I could never manage to generate any warmth in my quarters.' She turned gently in his arms, careful not to wake him, and tilted her head back to look up at his chiselled features.
'Maybe it was the cold that helped keep me asleep, too.' There had been many nights that she had tossed and turned while he had been away, only to sleep well into the late morning hours. Normally an early riser, she had had to resort to setting her bedside chrono to wake her after having arrived late for a couple of important briefings.
'Maybe it was that damned cot.' She pressed her ear against his chest and listened to the gentle rhythm of his heartbeat. The first night she had spent in her cot had been the night after Han had left. To be completely truthful, she had fled Han's bed many nights in those early days and had lain in her cot, but that night after he had left had been the first night that she had actually tried to sleep in her cot. All of her sleep before than had been at his side.
'No wonder I'm exhausted.' It was then that her thoughts tumbled to a sudden halt. She traced back through the haze of many days and nights. She traced back through all of her hours on Hoth. She searched her memory as she vainly tried to remember something so routine that it barely registered in her memory banks, but those nights with Han were blatant evidence of its absence from her routine.
'Oh gods, how could I not have known sooner.' She opened her eyes in the dark of the cabin; the soothing sound of his heartbeat mocked the sudden panic that surged within her. 'I'm pregnant.'
A/N: Okay, so big dramatic revelation at the end. I hope it wasn't too dramatic (read: unbelievable). I did try to foreshadow it a bit in the last couple of chapters. And I so didn't want to end with a big dramatic revelation (like a TV cliffhanger or something like that). But sometimes the fanfic takes over and as an author, you have to yield to its dictates. Thus, big dramatic revelation at the end of a chapter. Tune in next time to see how it all works out:)
Scarlet.