Many thanks to all of you who have stuck with me this far and especially those who dropped me a note along the way. Please continue to send me your thoughts - both good and bad. They are both valued.
As usual, Han, Leia and their friends are not mine and as I am about to wrap things up and return them to George, feel free to send your money to him (not that he needs it) and your comments to me. Without any further adieu…
Unexpected Detours, epilogue
The Falcon had made planet fall without further incident. Leia had been whisked quickly to the medical bay to tend to the remainder of her injuries. Han's harsh glares and tight lips had rebuked any questions that could have been asked. He had hovered outside her room as Two-onebee had worked quietly at her side, waiting until he had been certain that she was fine before returning to his quarters on the Falcon.
After ten days, she had been released to her quarters, assured that she had made a complete recovery. He had visited her daily in the med-center, but had learned to time his visits to those times that she had been asleep; he was still unsure of what he could - or should - say to her. Two days later he found himself standing in the hallway outside her door, trying to convince his hand to raise and activate the intercom.
What am I going to say: 'Hey, Leia. Sorry I got you caught up in my life, screwed up your life, killed our son, nearly killed you and generally added to the list of tragedies that you've had to suffer through. Sorry that I managed to take the first little bit of happiness that you've had and turned it into yet another sorrow.
And I know you probably never want to see me or speak to me again, but I thought I'd take the time to remind you of it all one last time before I took myself out of your life for good.'
He grimaced as the sarcastic thoughts ran through his mind. She deserved better than sarcasm… she deserved better than him. But he had to tell her that he was sorry - that it wasn't enough, would never be enough - but he was sorry to the very depths of his soul. He owed her that much. He owed her more, but that much in the very least.
He knew that he should stay - give his life to her cause. That maybe that would help to repay the debt that he owed her. But he couldn't stay. He couldn't stay knowing that his staying might jeopardize her and the rebellion. And, he couldn't stay knowing that he couldn't be with her. He knew that he couldn't bear to be in the same room with her knowing that she no longer wanted to be with him. He was leaving and he knew that he should at least give her his goodbye.
He stood in front of the plain, white door, arguing with himself, trying to force himself to face her. But each time he tried, all he could envision was the broken woman he had carried from the warehouse… the woman who had risked everything to save him. How could he face her? How could he face her and read the disappointment in her eyes when she realized that she had wagered so much and all she had won was him? How could he stay when his presence would remind her of all she had lost? When his presence would continue to jeopardize her and everything that was important to her?
The rebellion is all that's left that matters to you and I won't let my past take anything more away from you. And I won't let it hurt you again, either.
His pledge vibrated in his mind as his hand hovered before the door, hesitant to even touch it. He stood frozen that way for several long moments until finally he left, searching out Luke to say his final farewell's.
Leia lay wrapped in the warmth of her sheets, chilled to her core regardless of how many blankets she had piled on. She knew she was hiding - from a great many things in general and Han in particular - but even though she had never been one to hide before, she couldn't seem to make herself rise from the safe haven of her bed.
Their single conversation since they had returned to Hoth was almost too painful to recall. He had arrived at her bedside early one night - or maybe it had been the same time as the previous nights - only this night she had still been awake when he had arrived. The other nights she had managed to avoid him by pretending to remain asleep despite having awakened to his presence. The soothing warmth of his hand as it held hers had made her yearn for the soothing warmth of his embrace, but she had refused to give in to her need. How could she ask for or accept his comfort when she had been the cause of so much heartache in both their lives? How could she let him warm her with his embrace when the cold that had entered both of their lives had been her fault and her alone? How could she accept his forgiveness - she was afraid that he would give it if she asked - when she couldn't forgive herself?
Those questions had run through her head that night as he had entered her room and they remained unanswered, as they had each time she had awakened previously to him at her bedside. The look on his face as he had entered had told her that he had expected to find her sleeping and that he hadn't been happy to have arrived before she had fallen asleep.
'He's only here out of obligation,' she remembered thinking. 'He's here because he knows that he's expected to be here… because he doesn't want me to feel the full force of his anger… because he's waiting for me to be healed before he tells me how he really feels about me and what I did to him…to his son…to his life.'
She had known that his rejection and his hatred would have been too much for her to handle. She hadn't wanted to hear those harsh words from his lips. She had also feared that he would never speak them; that he would keep them buried inside, festering, all the while continuing with the charade of their relationship. In that moment, she had known that that would be harder to bear than his hatred.
"Han," she had grasped his hand with her good hand as he, slightly startled by the sound of his name, had taken a seat on the edge of her bed.
"Listen," she had continued quickly, knowing that if she had waited to speak, she would have lost the courage to give voice to her words. "We both know that… before the baby there wasn't much here… for us."
She had hated the hesitation in her voice when she had spoken, but had taken a deep breath to steady herself before having resumed her speech.
"Now, without Ayrdon," tears had pricked her eyes as she had spoken his name, but she had somehow dredged up the willpower to prevent their fall. "Without Ayrdon, we don't have any reason to pretend. We were apart before we knew about him and now, without him, there is no reason for us to be together any longer."
Han's expression had remained neutral throughout her monologue and she had found his lack of response more difficult to interpret than any other reaction she might have imagined.
"I guess what I'm saying is that maybe they're right when they say that these things happen for a reason. The reason was to prevent us from making a big mistake. Now we can just move forward with our lives."
Even now, as she replayed the conversation in her mind, she was surprised at the confidence that had been conveyed in her tone, surprised by the logical argument that she had offered, as though she had believed it. The words sounded so hollow to her now. Even then, as she had spoken them, her mind had screamed: 'Things don't happen for a reason and even if they do, the reason could never have been to take you away from me.'
But she had spoken the words, setting him free. He had spoken nothing that night. Well, that wasn't entirely true - he might have said "right" as he had left her room. But that had been their last conversation… their last conversation and she had done all the talking. She searched her mind and realized that she couldn't recall the last words he had spoken to her… besides that 'right'. Those last words were lost somewhere in the haze of her ordeal on the Falcon and she wasn't sure that she would ever remember them.
She was sure, however, that after that night, her world had changed and the world had changed for him. He would leave the rebellion now, or sometime in the near future. She had always known that he had stayed for her and Luke and not the cause that they were fighting for. She didn't know if Luke alone was enough to keep him now and if he wasn't then their last words would be lost to her forever.
She couldn't face him again. Not now when he wouldn't bother to shield her from the pain and devastation that she had caused him. She couldn't bear to see that pain on his face again; the pain she had seen when he had carried their son to his quarters. And so, she continued to hide in her quarters from him.
She was confident that she was doing the right thing by letting him go; his life had been so much better before he had met her. Of that, she was certain. Her own life? She was certain that it would have been sorely empty had he never graced it and would be again when he decided to leave.
I am going to miss you so much, Han. I wish you could know that and how much you have meant to me.
As the sentiments passed through her mind, she realized that she may never get another chance to tell him how she felt. She didn't expect him to forgive her or to express any feelings in return - any feelings other than anger - but she felt the need to tell him that she loved him just the same.
She rose from her bed and dressed quickly, preparing to search him out, refusing to ponder the hasty decision she had just made. She would stand before him and let him rage at her if he needed, but she would have no regrets this time. She wouldn't let another loved one leave her life without them knowing that she cared. If Alderaan had taught her anything, it was that the pain of loss was greater when it was combined with the pain of regret. This time she would not have the regret of unspoken words. Maybe Han wasn't leaving her life permanently - although everything inside her told her that he was - but she wasn't prepared to take any chances. She would let him tell her his anger and she would tell him her love.
She left her quarters for the first time in many hours and, ignoring the surreptitious glances of the members of the rebellion, searched the base for Han. Nearly prepared to give up, defeated, believing that he was, in fact, avoiding her at all costs, she was informed by a deck officer that he had left the base with Luke on a mission to set sensors along the perimeter. She headed to the command center to busy herself while she waited for their return, hoping that somehow, her waning determination would return with them.
A/N: In case it wasn't clear in that last paragraph…we are now at the beginning of Empire Strikes Back. Thank you so much for taking the journey with me and thank you to the countless readers that took the time to pass on their thoughts along the way. Your reviews meant as much to me as the journey did and made all the effort worthwhile. And with that… I now turn you back over to George. May the force be with you:) Scarlet.