I realised the other day just how long i have been writing this story for! Its at least six months so the fact that you all stick with me and review is amazing! Thank you so much.
This chapter is both very sad with some happiness coming.
Chapter 11: All I Want Is You
The day of the funeral dawns gallingly bright and sunny. So why he finds himself in the near darkness of the bar this early in the morning, he isn't quite sure. She just slides along the smooth bench stool at the beaten piano as he sits down beside her. He sets his double whisky on top of the piano. She slides her hands down the keys and carries on playing, letting him join in. They don't look at each other until they finish the tune. He grabs the glass and takes a deep swig before offering it to her. She shakes her head delicately then bites her lip. Her dark eyes are swimming with tears.
"Simon…" she says then stops.
He slides his arm around her as she starts to cry. She doesn't want to cry in front of him. She should do that alone, somewhere that isn't here.
Simon gives her a squeeze and loops his other arm around her. She presses her face against his shoulder, leaving a wet patch on his shirt. He doesn't say anything. He'll just be here for her. He wants to tell her his news but she isn't the first woman he can tell. And he can't tell her before the looming funeral. He wants her to tell him not to leave them. They all think that upon finding the right port Simon Tam is going to disappear. He wants to turn back the clocks so that she isn't crying in his arms. He wants many things and right now he isn't going to get many of them.
She stops hiccupping and lifts her face to stare at him, her eyes shining wetly. He pushes a strand of tear stuck hair off her cheek gently with his thumb and smiles sadly at her. He leans forward and presses a firm close-lipped kiss on her mouth. Then he stands and knocks back the last of the whisky.
She stares up at him her mouth open slightly. "What…?"
Simon smiles at Inara tenderly. "Just want you to know I love you." He pauses and looks awkward, realising exactly what he has just said. "Not that way, I mean….oh god….Inara…we're family. I'm not leaving. Can't." he smiles ruefully, knowing he is messing this up. "What I mean is…"
She stops him with a shake of her head. "I know Simon, I know." She stands, delicately wiping at her eyes. She takes his hand. "I'm glad you're not leaving us."
She looks towards the door wincingly slightly. "Shall we?"
He nods, but wants only to order another drink and hide in the gloomy bar rather than face Wash. But he holds out his arm gentlemanly.
Mal's first words to anyone upon leaving his bunk that morning are bitter and harsh. He comes across Jayne and River sat in the common area, curled up together on the sofa. He pauses out of their sight. Their fingers are interlinked, and River's free hand hovers on her belly. Jayne smiles at her gently as he captures this hand in his.
"It will be alright River."
She smiles back and Mal wants to smack the expressions off their faces. He steps into the room fully.
"Mal!" River exclaims.
Malcolm Reynolds's chin has two days worth of stubble on it and his eyes are shadowed.
"You even think about naming that kid Zoë and I'll make you both sorry," he growls cruelly.
River's eyes go wide and she gets that wavering expression women get when they are about to cry. Jayne looks ready to leap to his feet but River's tightening on his hand restrains him. They don't say a word as he growls, "Where's Wash?" and stalks from the room.
He finds Wash in the infirmary. With Zoë. Dressed in black. Mal pauses in the doorway breath catching momentarily. Then he recovers himself.
"Wash set a course for Hera."
Wash looks up his eyes red rimmed, and Mal notices he is holding his dead wife's hand. "What?" he asks disbelievingly.
"Hera. Now."
"Hera? No."
Mal steps into the room. "She'd want to be buried with her battalion…"
"No," he shakes his head, voice quiet but getting louder with every word. "No no no! You are not burying my wife in your gorram valley!"
They are now nose to nose, eyeballing each other.
"Pilot, you will get this ship in the air or…"
"Screw your ship!" Wash explodes, grabbing Mal by the collar of his coat. "Screw you Reynolds!" He slams Mal back against the wall beside the door. "Zoë is my wife! Mine! Not yours! I don't care what kind of crush you've got on her now. Don't think I didn't notice, I ain't stupid. All those little looks, the dancing, kissing her hand. I saw it all. From her as well. Man you idolise turning up from the dead, well that's bound to turn a woman's head. Even her." His voice is bitter. "But she still had the man-she-never-slept-with thing with you Reynolds, even last night. I trust her. So I wasn't worried. She married me! She meant those vows so however you tried to trick her to satisfy your twisted desires you wouldn't get her. Not ever!" Wash spits, then lowers his voice to a snarl. "You don't get a say in this."
Kaylee walks into the room at that moment, holding Zoë's leather necklace out in her hand. "I think I fixed it Wash…Wash? Cap'n?"
Wash lets Mal go and turns to Kaylee. "Thank you Kaylee." He takes the necklace and goes to put it round his wife's neck.
Kaylee stares between them nervously. "What happened? Cap'n?"
Mal remains slumped against the wall, transfixed at the tender manner that Wash attaches Zoë's necklace. He could never have been like that with Zoë. Wash really loves her. He really and truly does. And I couldn't give her that. I loved her and I couldn't have been like that with her. He pushes himself upright.
Wash gives Zoë a kiss on the lips lightly. "Goodbye Zoë."
"You're scaring me," Kaylee says staring between them again.
"Why are you here?" Mal asks her suddenly, but not harshly.
"Wash asked me," she stutters nervously. "To find…Zoë…some clothes."
Mal looks over at Zoë's body. She is dressed in her brown leather vest over a long sleeved dark green top with beige trousers and her boots.
"Kaylee come on, we have to meet the others," Wash says grabbing her hand. He glares at Mal. "Its up to you if you come or not. I don't care. The undertaker will be here soon." He practically tows Kaylee from the room.
Mal stares after them a moment. Then he steps over to Zoë's body. She looks like she is sleeping.
"Hey Zoë," he says softly. "I told you I loved you but I can never love you the way he does. I'm so sorry Zoë. I'm so sorry…"
He whirls and nearly sprints from the room.
River holds Wash's hand throughout the majority of the service. They didn't ask each other it just happened that way. Jayne stands half a pace behind her right shoulder; with baby Mal balanced in the crook of his arm and managing just fine. Kaylee stands on Wash's left hand side and keeps looking between him and Simon on her other side. Simon has been nearly silent since he arrived, just keeps staring at the pine wood coffin with haunted eyes. Kaylee thinks about taking his hand but hesitates. Something is broken behind his eyes. He looks guilty and sick.
Mal walks up and stands just behind Inara at the foot of the grave. He stands so close that the suede of his coat brushes against her bare arm.
"Mal…" she breathes softly.
He notices that her eyes are red.
Behind them the townspeople spread around the grave.
But now Luke Cobb is inviting Wash to speak so Mal does not answer her.
Wash's voice is steady. "Zoë was the strongest and bravest person that I ever met, and despite knowing that she could kill me with her pinkie I pestered her until she fell in love with me."
That raises the ghost of a laugh.
"She gave me my beautiful son who I swear baby is going to be told all your stories. Even the ones with rib cages when he gets big enough. And I have our family," he looks round at the crew, "who are gonna help raise Malcolm Washburn whether they like it or not."
Kaylee laughs through her tears and pushes her hand into Wash's.
He continues. "Most of you never knew my wife, but I wish you could of." He looks down at the coffin, eyes growing suddenly wet. "Zoë, my autumn flower…but I was wrong about the next bit. You're still as beautiful as the first time I set eyes on you. Thank you for making my life so much more exciting Zoë. I love you."
Wash looks back up at Luke Cobb his eyes shining. Luke nods his thanks and looks to the congregation. "Does anyone else have a memory of Zoë they wish to share?"
Mal clears his throat. Wash's head snaps to him sharply. Kaylee and River squeeze his hands simultaneously. Luke gestures for Mal to continue.
Mal looks from the coffin to Wash. "I was wrong," he says, "for trying to stop Zoë marrying you. You were the best thing that ever happened to her. You were her reward for surviving Serenity Valley."
There is an intake of breath from some of the crowd who eye Mal with a new respect.
"I'm sorry Wash," he continues. "Zoë didn't deserve this. No one did." He looks at the coffin. "Zoë you saved my life in more ways than you'll ever know."
River is crying and even Inara snuffles a bit.
Jayne speaks up, jiggling the child in his arms. "Hell Zoë was…"
His mother slaps his arm sharply. "Don't say hell at a funeral!"
Jayne looks at his brother. "Sorry Father," he says trying to hide the hint of brotherly sarcasm. "Zoë was the brave one. The stupid one too for following Mal so long. The better one. Some of us mourned her once; we'll mourn her again. And it will be hard again. The crew will be poorer for her loss, but she'll live on in her baby boy who is always gonna know who his mama was, and what she did for him." He looks steadily at the coffin. "Fly free Zoë. You earned it."
Wash is open mouthed at the eloquent memorial given to his wife by Jayne of all people.
Luke Cobb raises his bible and starts to speak. "In sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life through our Lord Jesus Christ, we commend to Almighty God our sister Zoë Washburn; and we commit her body to the ground; earth to earth; ashes to ashes, dust to dust. The Lord bless her and keep her, the Lord make His face shine upon her and be gracious unto her and give her peace. Amen."
"Amen," the assembled people chorus. Even Mal manages to say it although so softly only Inara hears him.
One by one the crew throw handfuls of dirt down onto the coffin. As Simon does so he says "I'm sorry," and looks like he might cry before walking away quickly, his head down.
Inara murmurs a few words in Chinese, a prayer to preserve the soul from harm. Mal crumbles the soil slowly. "Goodbye Zoë."
Kaylee mumbles "Goodbye Zoë," all the while crying her eyes out. Jayne has given baby Mal to his mother and just throws his dirt wordlessly. River pauses staring at the coffin. "Zoë is at peace now. Zoë is loved." She looks round at Wash, her eyes wet. "She will always be."
Then Wash gets bundled in a wet sobbing hug from both Kaylee and River. But he doesn't mind, he kisses Kaylee's hair then River's. "Thank you both," he says, voice wavering, before he extracts himself from their grip. He reclaims his son from Lisa Cobb and starts to walk back to the house.
The all trail after him slowly, Mal throwing a last look over his shoulder at the grave before grabbing hold of Inara's hand without a word. She looks down at their hands but just carries on walking into the house.
Inside the mood is sombre despite Lisa Cobb having laid out a spread of food and drink. River and Jayne hover clutching drinks and looking uncomfortable. Simon is nowhere to be seen. Kaylee toys with a strawberry, too upset even to eat it, near the doorway looking like she wants to run. Inara tries to keep her eye on both Wash and Mal, but in averting all the people who want to give Wash their wishes, she loses Mal.
Wash sits with baby Mal on his knee.
"Where's Mama?" his son asks, staring at him with wide eyes.
Wash blinks and wants to cry. But he takes a deep breath and smiles reassuringly at his son. "Mama had to go away."
"When's she back?" he lisps.
"She can't come back. She had to go with the angels."
Baby Mal absorbs this quietly. "I miss mama," he says quietly.
"Me too," Wash says, unable to stop the tear running down his face.
Suddenly he is enveloped in a motherly hug. He looks up to see Lisa Cobb smiling sadly at him. He feels safe here so it lets the small women keep her arms around him and doesn't rub away the tears that come.
Mal stares at the cross above the alter so hard that his eyes start to burn. He doesn't know why he has come here. He rests his elbows on his knees and interlinks his fingers. He wants to pray, but he doesn't know what for. God won't listen to him. He doesn't deserve to be heard anyway. He hears the footsteps come up alongside the pew he sits upon but doesn't look up.
"May I help you my son?"
Mal snorts. "I think there's a few years too many years between us for me to be your son Preacher."
Luke Cobb laughs. "That is often so Captain. But the offer stands."
Mal finally averts his eyes from the cross and looks at the clean-shaven younger version of Jayne. "Feel like I'm damned."
"Sometimes salvation and damnation are the same thing."
"Doesn't feel like it," Mal says looking up at the wooden ceiling beams.
Luke pats his shoulder. "I doubt that you are damned Captain Reynolds. Your relationship with the Lord is complicated for a reason. And that makes you a stronger person for it."
"Zoë made me a stronger person. All of my crew did. Now I think I've lost them." Mal takes his gaze back to the cross. "I don't know what to do."
Luke gives his shoulder a comforting squeeze before walking away. "Then ask God what to do Captain Reynolds. He has the answers."
Simon fins Kaylee sat on her bank under the tree, on the ridge of twisted roots there. He swallows the lump in his throat and calls to her. "Kaylee."
She looks round, her eyes pink and damp. "Hey," she says miserably. Then catches something in his eyes. "What is it?"
This is it, she thinks numbly. He is going to tell me that he is leaving. Next port and he will walk out of Serenity for the last time.
His mouth twitches at one corner with the faintest ghost of a smile. Then he crouches at her feet, just down from the bank she is sat upon. He reaches into a pocket and pulls something unseen from it. She tries to get a glimpse of what it is.
"Kaylee," he says, voice serious, drawing her attention back to his face. "I have to ask you something."
"What?" she can hear the tremble in her own voice.
"I know this is the worst time imaginable to do this…"
"Do what Simon?" If he says goodbye I may start crying again, she thinks.
"Will you…" he swallows then starts again. "Will you Kaywinnet Lee Frye do me the honour of becoming my wife?"
She gapes at him a moment then answers, "Yes! God Simon yes!"
He grins at her and opens his hand so that the contents drops down to hang from his fingers on its narrow silver chain.
"For me?" she asks as she reaches for it.
He nods, still crouched at her feet. "You'd bash a ring to smithereens on the engine."
She touches the pendants with a fingertip. One is a small silver edged red glass heart, like a church window. The other is maybe two inches in length, an abstract design of two interwoven strands of dull grey metal.
"Serenity," he says as she touches it.
"How?" she asks in disbelief.
"Your scrap pile. Jeweller in town. And a handful of platinum to get it done quickly. Worth it for the look on your face right now."
"I love you," she says softly.
"I love you too Kaylee. It took some terrible things for me to realise it but I do."
He moves to place the chain around her neck gently, fastening it and brushing her neck softly as he does so. Kaylee grips it in her hand carefully. He sits down on the root beside her and takes her hand.
"I don't want to wait. I've been stupid and lost enough time with you already. I want to get married here."
Kaylee blinks. "What about your parents? What about mine?"
Simon raises his eyebrows at her. "I threatened to kill my father remember? He wouldn't come."
"Your mother?"
He looks at the floor. "She might. But she's on Osiris. It would take days. Maybe weeks. I don't want to wait."
"But no one…"
"I don't care." Simon takes both her hands in his. "I'll stand in an empty church Kaylee I don't care who's there. I want to marry you, that's all."
Kaylee smiles at him. "Okay," she says quietly. "Let's get married."
He kisses her softly, then stares at her eyes searching her face. "Are you sure?"
"Lets have it just us. Simple. Just be prepared to explain yourself to my mama when we go there for a party."
"Okay," he says softly with a smile. "When?"
"As soon as possible," she squeezes his hand. "Tomorrow?"
"We'd better go and see the preacher."
"You'll initiate start up if you press the buttons in that order."
Kaylee jumps. "I…err…that is…"
Wash steps into the bridge and eyes her sitting in his seat. "You want to WAVE your mother and tell her the news don't you?"
Kaylee's eyes go wide. "What news?" she stalls, thinking quickly.
Wash sits himself on the edge of the console and touches her necklace. "He asked you at last. He's got that same goofy smile I wore for a week after Zoë said yes." He smiles sadly at the memory. Then grabs her hands and pulls her to her feet, and into a tight hug. "Can spot it a mile off. I'm happy for you." He holds Kaylee at arm's length and looks at her. "I am."
"We weren't going to tell anyone 'til we'd done it. After…" she swallows and blinks.
"She'd be happy for you. When?"
Kaylee glances at the clock on the console. "About two hours time."
Wash stands. "Then I shall leave you to your calls Miss Kaylee," he says mock seriously. He bows to her and heads for the door.
"Wash," She calls after him.
He pauses and looks back at her.
"You can come if you want."
He smiles weakly. "I don't know if I can face that Kaylee…I'm sorry." He walks from the room. "I just can't."
Kaylee stares at him for a moment then makes her call. To Osiris.
Simon's mother looks immaculate when she answers. "Good day? Oh Kaylee isn't it?"
Kaylee nods. "I had to WAVE you, I have some news."
"Is it River? The baby? Simon? Are they alright?"
"They're fine! Its good news. Me and Simon are getting married. Today."
"Married!? Today? A couple of days ago he told me you were broken up! He said he was leaving." She looks confused.
"I know its fast. Things have happened and well…" Kaylee bites her lip nervously. "I thought you should know."
Then Regan Tam smiles at her. "Thank you so much. Least this time I know of the wedding before hand. Congratulations! Make my wayward son call me when you've made an honest man of him. Hao yun Kaylee."
They sign off and Kaylee WAVES her home. Her dad answers.
"Kaylee?"
"Hi Daddy," she says smiling at him.
"Now you haven't called me Daddy in a long time. What do you want?" but he's grinning.
She takes a deep breath. "I'm engaged!"
He stares at her a moment. Then grins widely and hollers for her mother.
"Oh Kaylee! My little Kaylee all engaged! We were wondering when that would happen! Who to?" she asks upon appearing.
She smiles shyly. "Simon."
A frown flicks briefly over her mother's face at the mention of his name. "He ain't gonna break your heart is he? Again."
She shakes her head firmly. "He ain't mama."
"You aren't pregnant are you?"
"What? No! We love each other."
"So when are you coming home to get wed?"
Kaylee bites her lip. "We're not. We're getting married on St Owens."
"What?"
"We want to do this. Just the two of us. Please understand. Daddy please." She turns imploring eyes on her father.
He sighs. "If you have to little Kaylee. Go marry your doctor. Just come visit soon."
"I will. We all will. I love you."
"We love you too," he says and her mother smiles too.
"Bye," Kaylee says as she signs off. She sits staring at the screen for a few moments and then rouses herself into moving to go and get ready.