Contemplation by Air Convoy
Passcode: 445Darkside137Gaia
There is no point in keeping this passcode now that I've reduced, and in some ways, elevated, myself to a mere warrior, but the politician in me cannot afford for these private thoughts to be discovered and used as gossip fodder. This applies doubly to my particular secret, one that is beginning to erode my internals.
I am leader and founder of the Destron Exchange Convoys. Without me or my sacrifices, there would be nothing and I am, without question, team leader before all else. Secondly, I am a warrior and a bringer of death. Ideally, I would be emotionless. Most of the time, I am, but on occasion, my guard slips.
My current purpose is to oversee the production of our new drone army with Sith Convoy, whom I would prefer to think of as Mechana, and I am fully devoted to this task. However, even I am forced to break and it is these breaks that I dread. When I cannot revel in the work that will lead to Destron supremacy, I begin to doubt if I had been correct to choose this over Hymn or our son.
As my friend, no, acquaintance, for I cannot allow for attachment… As Sith Convoy stated, when there is no emotion, there would be peace, but in reality, there is no peace, there is only chaos. Attachment brings emotion, and with emotion comes the chaos that precedes disaster. I know this from personal experience, as I am no stranger to the inevitable loss that accompanies a soldier's lifespan and the cruelties of politics. First was my creator, then Resonance, then Wind Convoy's mate… there are too many to name.
For that reason alone, I cannot allow for myself to even think of either Hymn or Psalm, and thus I refuse to see them. But distance is not a solution when I acknowledge that I wish to see my son as much as he wishes to see me and when I refuse to regret what we had together. This pain alone, I can bear.
Besides, pain is the price of understanding and now that I have my own offspark, and only one at that, I can see why my creator held back her only daughter from War Academy at every turn. I resented the fact that she sent sentries to guard me at every turn, but now, I am tempted to do the same with Psalm, and I would, save that I trust Hymn. Trust is an act of faith, as Mechana says.
There is another twist, however. I have not divulged Psalm's existence to my Destrons, if only for fear that I be dethroned. There is very little trust amongst Destrons, both in politics and in war, and this applies doubly when Subcommander Wind Convoy has his temper. He has sworn to protect me, but I know what happened to the last femme that he swore to protect and of his previous attempts to seize my leadership. For this, I fear to incite his wrath by revealing that I had kept my son secret even from him, my own family member.
There is only one way to alleviate my pain without jeopardizing our future as glorious conquerors, and that is to plan for our next missions.