Day Six

The doorbell rang. Cesar answered. A man in blue overalls stood in front of a crate marked "ACME". Cesar signed for it, and hauled the crate inside.

As he dragged the mystery box, a caption appeared under him.

Lowriderus Obssessimus

Claude was just waking up. He yawned, and put on his leather jacket, and wandered out of the room.

Lazlow thought hard about a caption. Totallyus Oblivious. . .uss. He crossed it out.

Mutus Assassinus

Hey guys. I have some business to take care of today, so I'll have to leave you to take care of yourselves. Please be good. I can't afford to fix any more damages.

Claude sat in the lounge area, looking around for Loc. He relaxed on the couch, and switched on the news. Everyone gathered round to watch, except Cesar who was absent.

"We have here a missing person's report filed by one Jeffrey "OG Loc" Martin. Jeffrey, who filed the report on himself, was last seen on Big Brother, where he performed in a terrible karaoke competition, and disappeared the same night. Police will be searching this location for clues later today."

Everyone then resumed their normal business. Claude, just noticing the house had a staircase, decided to go upstairs. He put his foot on the bottom step, and looked to the top, where Cesar was standing with an oversized catapult and a spherical black bomb with a fuse. He fired the bomb down and Claude dodged out of the way, as the bomb blew a smoking hole in the wall. He gazed out into the street and saw a passer-by, who had been walking his dog, and was now staring with surprise at the hole in the wall that he could have sworn hadn't been there before.

Claude looked back up at Cesar. He licked his lips and spoke, "Meep Meep!" He ran off in a comical fashion.

Cesar initiated Plan B: Think Of A New Plan.

Then, half an hour later, he initiated Plan B Squared: Crush Claude With Something Really Heavy.

He made a note in "The Book of ACME Disasters" (issued free with every ACME starter pack). The note read, "think of better plan names".

Cesar set up the apparatus as instructed, and marked an X on the floor in white chalk, where Claude would be hit. Then, he hid from sight. The problem with his hiding place was that he could barely see the victim or the X. There he waited. And waited.

Tommy walked by the X, and got an idea. He drew a crude map of the house and handed it to CJ.

In a pirate voice, he said, "Aaar matey! Avast! Here be the map to moy treasure! Follow it, and the treasure be yours!"

Carl grabbed the map excitedly, and hurried off. He walked past the X several times, before eventually finding it.

Cesar saw feet on the X. He pulled the chord, and the plan unfolded. A small snooker ball he had found rolled down the stairs, knocked over a candle, burned through the rope that was holding the anvil up, and let it drop.

CJ cursed as the anvil landed on his foot.

Cesar cursed that he had just spent a thousand dollars injuring CJ's foot when he could just have run him over in a truck.

Claude laughed to himself in the other room. A bomb rolled to his feet. He kicked it away, blowing another hole in the wall, and uncovering another wide eyed pedestrian. Claude waved at her. She rubbed her eyes in disbelief, and then fainted. Claude ignored her, and walked off, seconds before several sharp tipped arrows pierced the wall where he had been standing. He didn't appear to notice.

Carl walked into the kitchen for a snack. He walked straight past the sink and the fountain of water spraying from it, and opened the fridge. He raked around, but found nothing. He then spent ten minutes trying to see if the light stayed on when he closed the door. Tommy entered, and held a glass over the fountain until it filled up with water, and took a drink. He stood behind CJ, watching with a mixture of interest and pity.

"CJ, what the hell are you doing?"

Without pulling his head out of the fridge, he said, "Trying to find out if the light stays on when I close the door." His voice echoed off the walls off the fridge.

"Oh." said Tommy, slightly perplexed. "Would you like a hand?"

"Thanks, Tommy, you're a pal."

"Don't mention it, CJ." Tommy held on to the fridge door, and slammed it shut on CJ's head.

"AAAAAAAGH!"

"Oh, well what do ya know? It really does go off after all." Tommy walked off, laughing out loud.

Carl, clutching his head, took a few steps backward, and gave the fridge an evil look. He turned the faucet on (the one that wasn't broken) and had a glass of water. He stopped. Something was different. He played the scene over and over, staring at the sink. The spray condensed on his head and the fountain shot upwards almost touching the ceiling. He continued to stare, using all three of his brain cells to think.

Then it hit him

"When did we get a kitchen?" he yelled.

Cesar wasn't the kind to give up easily. One thing street racing had taught him was this – If you can't win fairly, violence is always the solution. He looked through the ACME crate for what was left. Dynamite, tripwire, a bowling ball, a first aid kit, an assortment of tools, a tiger, and bubble wrap! Cesar suppressed the urge to play with the bubble wrap, and set up Plan C: As Of Yet Untitled.

A thought struck him. Tiger. He quickly closed the box over again. He had been wondering what the holes in the box were for.

He walked down the stairs with the tools, and noticed everyone was watching TV again. That's good, he thought. No one will see or hear me. He produced a buzz saw and turned it on. It created a loud continuous whirring sound. He cut a circular hole in the floor with it, without drawing any attention to himself. He looked at the approximate twelve foot drop with satisfaction.

It's a bit conspicuous.

He covered it with leaves.

That's better. No one will suspect a thing.

He joined the rest of them to watch the news.

" "It seems that these days gambling and entertainment go together, as the show "Big Brother" which recently premiered in our very own Liberty City will be sponsored by Las Venturas' Four Dragons Casino. This is very good news for the contestants on the show, and for host Lazlow, all of whom have been struggling to survive on Lazlow's meagre salary. We now go live to Richard Burns, outside the Four Dragons, with owner Wu Zi Mu."

"C'mon, please, gimme another chance, man!"

"Mr Burns, you are in debt to my casino by eleven hundred dollars, I'm afraid we cannot give you any more chances."

"Richard," came the voice of Leanne Forget from the studio. "Richard, you are supposed to be interviewing Mr Mu about the sponsorship."

"Oh, oh right." In a matter of seconds, Richard changed his voice from the whiny, pathetic person he had been before, to his confident, cocky, news reporter voice. "So. Wu Zi Mu, what are your thoughts on the sponsorship of Big Brother?"

"Well Richard, " began Woozie, who was facing the wrong way, "we are all very excited about the arrangement."

"But, why such generosity? What's in it for you?"

"Okay, you got me. I sponsor the show, and in return, I get to be a guest on the show."

"For how long?"

"Until I am evicted."

"Well, there you have proof that even people who own Casinos can be slightly mischievous. Who would have thought it, eh? Back to you Leanne in the studio." He changes voice again. "C'mon, I need to buy a new car, my old one is dirty. I need my money. Please, sir, give me another chance."

"Thank you, Richard, we hope to see you alive and well in the future."

Claude stood up to leave, as "My Five Uncles" came on. No one else would be able to tear themselves away. TV is for idiots, he knew. He went for his second attempt at climbing the stairs. Cesar watched with anticipation. Claude stepped on the pile of leaves, debating with himself mentally about whether finding leaves indoors was normal. Especially ones with the word ACME almost visible on them. He shrugged it off, and continued up the stairs. Cesar cursed and ran over to the leaves. Claude, now at the top of the stairs, watched him. Cesar began jumping up and down on the spot, and then every typical cartoon cliché kicked in and he prepared himself for the inevitable drop. But he didn't fall. . .

Relieved, but still irritated that his plan had once again failed, he stomped off. He passed Carl on the way.

"Oh, shit!" yelled Carl as he fell down the hole.

Claude stood at the top of the stairs smiling. CJ looked at him.

"Meep Meep!"

For Cesar, this was the last straw. He took the dynamite from the box. It was a classic type. Several sticks tied together with a cable leading to the detonator. He attached the TNT to Claude's bed, and fed the cable to his upstairs lair. He could wait until tonight to kill him. The wait would make it all the more sweet. He took some well deserved rest.

The doorbell rang. Tommy noticed he was the only one in the room, so he went and answered it.

Two men in identical black uniforms stood in front of him with their badges held out. "Good evening, ma'am, we have a warrant to search these premises in suspicion that Jeffrey Martin may have left a clue to his current whereabouts. We are also investigating claims that he may have been murdered in this building."

It took Tommy a minute to take all this in. "What do you mean, ma'am?" he said.

"This woman is clearly hostile. Note her down as a suspect." said one of the men.

"What's your name, miss?" asked the other.

"Tommy Vercetti."

"Oh, you're a guy."

"Damn right."

"Well, you're still a suspect. And we still intend to search the premises."

They walked around looking for things. Cesar came down.

"Looks like we have another suspect." said a policeman

"I didn't do anything, holmes!"

"You, Hispanic guy." Cesar looked up. "Why is this man in a hole?"

"Oh, " laughed Cesar, nervously, "there's a really good explanation for that. I just wish I knew what it was."

The police continued their search, leaving CJ in the ditch. They noted the broken window and the leaking faucet in the kitchen and then entered the bedroom. Tommy and Claude watched them. One of the policemen picked up the dynamite and inspected it. They followed the cable upstairs to where Cesar was sitting. They looked at him expectantly. He said nothing, but simply held out his hands as they cuffed him.

"Alright, you're under arrest for attempted murder, ownership of explosives, property damage, making CJ cry, keeping a tiger as a pet, and breaking the faucet downstairs."

"You have no proof I broke the faucet!"

"Failure to cooperate with law enforcers," he continued.

"Come on. You're coming with us." said the other policeman. "You have the right to remain silent, please use that right to its fullest."

They walked him out the door and back to the squad car.

"I thought they were lookin' for Loc. . ." said Tommy.

Hey guys, it's Lazlow again. I'm back so- WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE? Why are there chunks of the wall missing? Why is the sink burst? Why is CJ down a hole? Why is there a tiger roaming around upstairs? Okay, that's the last time I leave you guys alone. It's a good thing we have that new sponsorship deal. We have some money for repairs. But it's comin' out of your food bills, you understand? God, could you have caused any more damage?

Just then, there was a loud rumbling, and smoke started pouring from the bedroom. The explosion knocked the door down showing the room beyond was on fire.

I swear, sometimes I should just keep my mouth shut.

A/N: Thanks, Kitty Gaby for the Roadrunner idea. BRILLIANT!

Also I don't own Roadrunner or Warner Bros (I think they make that cartoon, right?)