A/N: Words in italics are the thoughts of none other than. . .(cheesy horror movie music plays). . .MAX PAYNE! Like in the video game, Max has a habit of narrating his life as it takes place. It sounds funniest if you try and read it in his deep, deadpan voice.
So, until I state otherwise, Lazlow's speech will be in italics, AND BOLD and Max's thoughts will be in plain italics. Everyone got that? The Max Payne parts will follow the events of Max Payne 1, since I haven't played the second one. Also, I don't own Max Payne.
I had recently transferred to the LCPD. I pushed open the doors of the HQ with some force, creating a dent in the wall. The dent represented me, leaving my mark on the organisation. They turned to face me, and my new boss climbed unsteadily out of his extra large chair and sidled towards me, grunting like the pig he was.
"Well, good morning. You must be Max."
I watched the chief with interest, his mouth spewing crumbs as he spoke. He was a large man, barely able to fit into his uniform. His pants looked like they could explode any minute.
"Hey! I take offence to that!"
I looked at the chief in mild shock. Was it possible that he understood my thoughts?
"Of course I understand your thoughts! You're saying them out loud!"
Clearly the chief was a man who liked to be in charge. But I had something that would take him down a peg. I reached into my pocket, feeling the cold steel of my pistol. Now it was time.
Seconds later I was on the ground with four heavily armed officers pinning me tightly to the floor, pinning me to my destiny. The chief had been ready for the attack somehow. He must have had inside information on me, but I have dealt with his type before, and I will again.
"Max," he said, "you have been assigned to watch over the antics of the guests on the new show, "Liberty City Big Brother". If the contestants commit any crimes whatsoever, you have every right to arrest them."
"And why should I take orders from you?" asked Max.
"Because I'm your boss!"
I nodded cockily at the chief. My boss? Max Payne doesn't have a boss. I stared deep into his eyes, determining his next plan of action. They were a deep shade of green, bringing back awful memories of Valkyr overdoses, murder, betrayal, jealousy. . .revenge. He was behind it all. I was certain. He was the reason I was suffering.
"What are you talking about? I've never even met you before!"
The flesh of fallen angels. . .
"Get him the fuck out of here!"
They dragged the gibbering Max outside, beat him repeatedly and dumped him on the steps, before re-entering, and closing the door tightly behind them.
"Wow, " sighed the chief, "it's getting harder and harder to find decent recruits."
I awoke several hours later in a daze. My head ached, like someone was playing the snare drum in the funeral procession of my mind and soul. Thankfully, however, I was still able to form coherent similes.
One of my shoes was missing.
Bastards. . .
I picked myself up and went to my hotel for a change of clothes. I opened the door carefully. I couldn't afford to be billed for more dents in this lifetime. But then, that is how my life is represented. I must dent this world. I must leave my mark. My job, my job, is to clean this place up. To rid the world of these unwanted vermin. I must cause the dents. I am the dents.
The hotel receptionist looked on as Max continued to talk to himself and stare at the wall. Eventually, she coughed quietly to get his attention. Max did not turn round.
"Sir," she said calmly.
The corruption of flesh. . .
"S. . .sir," she repeated uncertainly.
Asteroth, Lucifer, Satan. . .
"Sir, would you like help with your -"
BLAM!
I watched the bullet leave my gun, my face twisting and contorting into a stupid, constipated looking grin. The bullet entered her skull and she fell. Her corpse landed with a dull thud, the final note, ending her life.
The flesh of fallen angels. . .
I stepped carefully over the body and made my way up to my room, where I changed my clothes. I then left to my first assignment – Big Brother.
Meanwhile, the Big Brother house was undergoing some changes. The destroyed parts of the building were now under construction, previous guest Cesar Vialpando was assumed to be in hiding somewhere in the desert after escaping from the cops that arrested him, OG Loc was still missing, and new guest Wu Zi Mu was expected to arrive soon.
Everyone remember, Woozie is blind, so look out for him, and don't take advantage of him. I'm looking at you Tommy.
"Me?" Tommy said in pretend shock.
Just then the doorbell rang.
That must be him now.
Tommy walked over to the door, and opened it. Standing before him was a Chinese man, in a black suit, wearing shades. Tommy looked around slyly and started giving the man the finger repeatedly and making fun of him.
The man punched Tommy in the ribs. "I'm not blind!" he yelled.
Another Triad made his way uneasily to the door. "Hello, I'm Wu Zi Mu. You may call me Woozie." he said. "And this is my assistant – Su Xi Mu. No relation."
Su Xi gave Tommy an angry glare as they entered. Tommy clutched his ribs and Claude suppressed a laugh.
Su Xi led Woozie to the dining table, where he sat. Tommy sat next to Woozie, and attempted to make conversation.
"So. . ." he said. "you're blind?"
Woozie nodded. Tommy started giving him the finger and Woozie punched him in the ribs.
Su Xi emerged from behind Woozie with a notorious grin. Tommy glared at him.
"Who might you be?" asked Woozie.
"Tommy Vercetti."
"Nice to meet you. And who are you?" he asked, to Claude.
There was no reply.
"Oh, " said Tommy, "That's Claude. He doesn't talk."
"Ah, does he suffer a terrible curse like me?"
"No, he's just a smart ass wise guy that seems to get away with whatever he wants since the author of this story favours him over the rest of us."
"Oh." said Woozie, slightly dejected. "Well, I'm going to go familiarise myself with my new surroundings." He got up, and started feeling his way around.
Su Xi sat next to Tommy, and Claude sat at the opposite end of the table. Tommy and Su Xi simply stared at each other.
"I don't like you." said Tommy.
Su Xi punched him in the ribs again.
When he saw this, Claude abruptly stood up and walked adamantly between the two, where he stopped, holding a gaze of anger and frustration.
Then, he too punched Tommy.
"Ow, 'the hell?"
Su Xi and Claude high fived each other and walked off, leaving Tommy to whine about the pain he was in.
"Hey Lazlow," said Tommy, "is he allowed to bring his assistant? Surely that must be against the rules."
Who cares?
The construction workers watched from their scaffolding (which had inexplicably been set up indoors) as Woozie walked around, arms outstretched, touching the walls and the floor and the stairs.
He reached a peculiar object, a shape that reminded him of climbing frames from childhood. He held a bar with both hands and climbed through, and continued walking through the gap in the wall, to the garden area outside. Seconds later, the entire scaffolding collapsed. He walked across the road, cars swerving round him and crashing into each other causing pile ups and yells, but Woozie continued to walk.
In the kitchen, Claude and Su Xi stood.
"So you don't talk?"
Claude shook his head.
"Well, it's not as bad as being blind."
Claude shrugged.
"Woozie can barely do anything for himself. He thinks he has all this power, but really it's me. I do everything."
Claude stood there, not really paying attention to Su Xi's ramblings.
"Assistant?" Su Xi snorted. "Please. Try servant, slave, whatever, but not assistant. I don't assist with anything, I do everything."
Claude stared into his glass of water, clearly more entertained with swirling it around than with what Su Xi had to say.
"I have to watch over him constantly, never let him out of my sight for a second." Su Xi looked around and started to panic. "Where the hell is he?"
Su Xi ran off, leaving Claude, who didn't appear to have noticed he was gone.
Su Xi came to the front door. "Why won't it open?" he yelled.
Sorry Su Xi, but if you leave, we can't let you come back in.
"What about Woozie?"
He can come back in.
"Why him and not me?"
Well Woozie, unlike you, has contributed a vast sum of money and a large sponsorship deal on our show. So we would prefer to stay on his good side.
"But I'm his assistant! He won't be too happy if you don't let me back in!"
Sorry Su Xi, you said it yourself. You're his slave, not his assistant. Of course, we will ask Mr Mu when (or if) he returns whether you can come back in. Beat it.
"Thanks Lazlow!" said Su Xi as the door unlocked itself and he ran out.
Outside, Woozie, still unaware of where he was, encountered a construction site. Unknown to Woozie, this particular site was far more dangerous than your average one, blind or not. Despite the obvious dangers of heavy machinery, rickety surfaces and lazy fat ass workers, this was also the location for local gang wars, such as the one taking place at this moment. The Cartel, the primary occupants of the site held the best positions as they waited for the rival gangs.
Woozie stepped around the site, becoming slightly uneasy now. He bent down and felt the ground, allowing a very heavy swinging wrecking ball to miss him by inches.
Liberty City was new to him, his senses were overwhelmed by the roaring traffic and the pollution. He walked into the enclosure, the path barely a foot wide, absolutely no idea of the danger he was in.
Su Xi, gasping and wheezing, arrived at the entrance to the site. He could see Woozie, or at least it looked like Woozie, walking along a thin plank, probably fifty feet up.
"Oh, shit!"
Su Xi ran into the construction site towards the entrance of the building, but was stopped in his tracks by the sound of dozens of guns being cocked.
Su Xi gulped.
Minutes later, back at the house, the doorbell rang again. Tommy cringed at the thought of answering it again, and let Claude do it.
The door was unlocked and a tallish man, with short brown hair, and a face as ugly as sin stood holding. . .a square of cardboard with his name on it.
"Max Payne, Liberty City Police Department." he said.
Claude stared at the figure debating with himself whether to panic (seeing as this man was with the cops) or stand and laugh (seeing as this man was the most pathetic, ugly excuse for a human being he had ever seen). Finally, his common sense got the better of him, and he chose the second option.
The man who had answered the door smirked at the sight of me. He wore a leather jacket, as black as the night sky, and green cargo pants. He reminded me of hatred. Green like the Valkyr, black like the void it sent me into, swirling, black hole of emptiness. Will it ever end? WILL THE PAIN EVER STOP?
Damn, I'm good.
Claude looked on in confusion as Max spouted on and on presumably to himself. He decided it would be safest to stay out of his way, and moved aside.
Max strolled into the room.
Who is this guy?
I could hear voices in my head. Was it my imagination, a simple trick? Or something more?
Oh, great. Another lunatic.
Max walked over to Tommy and looked at him.
The man in front of me looked suspicious. I wondered what his name was.
"Tommy Vercetti."
Satan, Lucifer, Astaroth, another man who can read my thoughts. Of course. HE IS THE DEVIL! I should have known from his clothing, his Hawaiian shirt, blue like the -
I felt an excruciating blow to the head, and the world went dark. I fell unconscious and suffered those recurring Valkyr induced nightmares, taking over my body, the baby screams, the blood, the flesh. . .
Claude and Tommy stared at the unconscious Max. Claude was holding a frying pan behind his back.
"He's still talking." said Tommy. "Maybe you should hit him again."
Claude did so.
The front door was opened and Su Xi and Woozie entered. Su Xi was cut, his clothes were torn, he looked like he had been in the middle of a gang war.
"Hey everyone, I found him." said Su Xi. "He was a couple of blocks away walking around a construction site. I took quite a beating but - what's with the dead guy on the floor?"
The flesh! The flesh!
Everyone just shrugged, Claude hid the frying pan behind his back.
Ah, Mr Mu! Good to have you back, sir. Now, we have a slight predicament. . .
"What is it?" asked Woozie.
Su Xi grinned with confidence.
Well, you see, after someone leaves the building, we technically cannot let them back in. You are fine, of course, sir, but it is up to you to decide if your assistant, Su Xi Mu, can stay.
"Who?"
Y. . .your assistant. . .
"I'm afraid I don't know who you mean."
Well I think that settles it. Get outta here Su Xi.
The Triad slave left, grumbling and cursing.
Good Riddance.mumbled Lazlow under his breath.
"Lazlow," said Woozie, "are the repairs to the building finished yet?"
I'll find out for you sir.
HEY ASSHOLES! ARE YOU FINISHED YET?
Yeah, they're done.
"Yes, Mr Mu," said one of the workers, "we have repaired the spaces in the wall, the scaffolding you knocked down notthatweblameyouatallsirnono and the hole in the ground that Carl fell into."
Hey, where is Carl?
The floor behind Claude rumbled slightly. He could hear muffled shouting. He took a step back, and shrugged his shoulders.
He's still in the hole isn't he?
Tommy couldn't contain his laughter any more. Claude mentally sighed and moved away from the covered hole.
About half an hour later, Carl was out of the hole, apparently a little starved of air.
"I. . .hate. . .you ALL!" he gasped.
Later that day, Carl, Claude and Tommy stared at the still unconscious Max.
Fallen. . .flesh. . .aaaaagh. . .
"So what do we do with him?" asked Carl.
"The hole's still open. Why don't we push him in?" said Tommy.
"Yeah, okay."
They picked the body up and slowly dragged it towards the hole.
I awoke from my trance. My head ached and I felt like I was moving. I examined my surroundings, and found three men pulling me along the floor, like the world pulling me kicking and screaming through existance.
"Uh oh! He's waking up!"
Claude hit him with another kitchen utensil.
I felt another blow, and the world slipped away once again.
They dropped the body into the hole.
There was a knock at the door, and Tommy answered. It was the same policeman that had arrested Cesar.
"Ah, well hello again, ma'am," he said, "we just wanted to check up on how Max was doing and – where is he?"
Claude and Carl stood side by side, attempting to mask the hole from view.
The policeman walked over. "Now, why is this hole still here and oh god they killed Max." he said flatly.
The man stared at the body in the hole. "There are serious consequences, you know."
"For what?" inquired Tommy, sarcastically.
"For murder, ma'am. Now, tell me -"
THUD!
The body slumped over, and fell into the ditch on top of Max.
Claude held the frying pan innocently.
How they laughed.
"Uh. . .should we cover the hole up?"
"Yes." said Woozie. "For my benefit."
"Well what about the bodies?"
Well guys, I have been informed that Max Payne is supposed to play a larger role in the story, so you have to take him out.
"Damn." said Carl. "Well. . .should we let the other guy out?"
"Nope. He's dead."
"Oh."
How they laughed.
"Well, let's go to sleep. I'm sure he won't wake up until morning anyway."