Apotheosis Chapter 6 Conscience, a bleach fanfic

Title: Apotheosis
Series: sequel to Nexus
Author: Akuni
Genre: Drama/Romance
Rating: M for 'Much Smut'
Pairing: Renji/Ichigo
Spoilers: read through Soul Society & Arrancar Arcs
Summary: One year after Nexus, Ichigo and Renji face personal challenges and a new crisis that threatens everyone.
Word Count: 65,000ish
Warnings: There is more talk about the war with Aizen that I wrote around in Nexus. There are mentions of character deaths during the war, but they're mostly minor. Should also be noted that there's some definite Shuuhei/Yumichika subtext, and off camera Hitsugaya/Hinamori.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, I'm just borrowing it for a while.
Distribution: Also posted to my LJ. Please ask if you want to share it :)

Dedication: To my wonderful beta Shelagh, for putting up with my writing process and for drawing the amazing art that goes with my stories. She keeps me on the path of reality when my feet try to take me down sugar plum lane. And for Sara, our partner in fangirling and BL love, for helping us stay silly and sane. And I suppose even for my husband, who has had to endure my mental love affair with Renji, my extended hours on my laptop writing this beast, and my ups and downs while writing it. One night we got drunk and he let me read all my fics out loud to him in one night (yes, even all of Nexus) - my voice was ruined the next day, but we had a great laugh. He laughed in all the right places, and wouldn't let me chicken out and stop reading at the sexy bits. :)

And as always, to all my fellow Renji/Ichigo fangirls/guys out there. We know it's impossible, we know it's silly, and we know it's damned hot!

A/N: I said Nexus ate my life - I was wrong. So very wrong. The idea for Apotheosis came to me while I was still writing Nexus, and I scribbled down a couple pages of notes as I went along. Nexus was posted at the end of August, and it's now December. I've only taken a handful of days off writing this story - I even took my notebook to work and scribbled lines and scenes as they came to me. This is definitely an obsession. And I loved every minute of it. I hope you all do, too.

Chapter 6 - Conscience

Each step Ichigo took toward his flat sent a lance of guilt through him.

I left them. I left them. I left them.

The chant burned in his mind the whole way, ceasing only when his feet stopped moving and he finally stood in the centre of his one room flat.

He looked around. The furniture was dusty, and the tape had given out on two of the photos stuck to the wall beside his bed. The neatly made bed. Empty and cold.

Ichigo didn't want to be there. He wanted to be in Soul Society helping his friends in their fight.

Is that selfish of me? To wanna be there with them and help 'em solve this problem before it gets out of hand? They've been handlin' this stuff since ever. But I know I can help, I know I made a difference.

But he had no choice.

Why is that, exactly? Whose choice is it, if it isn't mine? He fell heavily into his chair and closed his eyes.

The landscape in his mind was the same as it always was.

"What the hell…?"

:Ichigo.:

"Zangetsu," Ichigo was surprised. "What am I doin' here?"

:You obviously want to be here. You know how this works, Ichigo.: Zangetsu stood impassively as ever, coat fluttering in the breeze only he could feel.

"Yeah… I guess I do." Ichigo scanned the horizon. "Is he around?"

:Not at the moment.:

Ichigo grunted. "Good." He'd come to terms with his inner Hollow, but that didn't mean he wanted to have a conversation with him. Especially not one that had anything at all to do with his personal life. The first time he'd come here after beginning his unexpected relationship with Renji had been embarrassing to say the least…

-1 year ago-

(Weeelll, if it ain't the king, come down to meet his lowly subjects!) The Hollow swept an exaggerated bow.

"Shut the hell up," Ichigo snapped. "Zangetsu!" he called. "Where are ya, old man?"

(Aw, ya hurt me, aibou, ya really do!) The Hollow cackled.

:Hello, Ichigo. I've been expecting you, after everything that's happened.:

"Yeah, about that…" Ichigo shifted uncomfortably, staring at the whitened figure. "You mind givin' us a little privacy?"

(Ain't nothin' you got to say I don't already know! 'Specially if it's about that fiiine piece of a—)

Ichigo snarled and leaped at the smirking figure.

(—ya got yourself!)

The clash ended as soon as it had begun; Zangetsu stepped between them, deflecting Ichigo's attack and flinging them apart.

:This isn't the time. This conflict has already been resolved.: Zangetsu reminded them, levelling a glare at the Hollow.

(I'm just sayin' is all! That Abarai sure knows just how—)

"That's none of your damn business! You stay out of it, you bastard!" Ichigo's eyes glowed eerily. "You stay outta my private life and away from Renji, or I promise –you–won't–live– to regret it."

(Ok, ok already, no need to get huffy, aibou.) The Hollow backed off at the fire in Ichigo's eyes.

"Get lost," Ichigo snarled. The Hollow vanished.

He turned to Zangetsu. "So um…" Ichigo rubbed his neck nervously. "I suppose you already know all about it."

:Of course. I'm a part of you.:

"It's a bit strange." Ichigo turned to stare at nothing in particular. "Windin' up this way, I mean. With Renji."

:Not all that strange, looking at it from here on the inside.:

"Eh?"

:You're both a lot alike, in many ways. And very different in some others. The spark is there, though, and that's what matters, is it not?:

"So, this is really ok then."

:You've already had this discussion with yourself, you don't need me to validate it for you. Really, Ichigo, after so many years I thought you would have figured out by now that we're the same... how many conversations are you going to have with yourself?: The corner of his mouth pulled up ever so faintly.

"I just wanted to make sure is all," Ichigo grinned. "Seemed the polite thing to do."

:Then in answer to your question, yes, Ichigo, everything is as it should be. You're happy, so I'm happy.: Zangetsu looked up at the clear sky. :The spark keeps the rain away. And when you come right down to it, Zabimaru is an interesting companion.:

"Uh… what?" he stared at Zangetsu, startled.

:You know zanpakutou communicate with each other, and Zabimaru was the only other around for most of the summer. We got to know each other very well. It's fortunate we get along, given how the pair of you are always linked. That makes the connection even stronger, you know.:

"What… what does that mean for you?"

:It means we have a lot of time to have a lot of fascinating discussions. Don't worry about it, Ichigo. This is how it's supposed to work.: He turned, looking at a shimmering in the distance. :You should go now. Your lover is waking up.:

-present-

:Why are you here, Ichigo?: The immediacy of the gravely voice brought his attention back to the present.

"I… I left them. How could I do that?" Ichigo grated.

:You have obligations in this world, Ichigo.:

Ichigo snorted. "Obligations? You gotta be kiddin' me."

:You have school, and a life to build.:

"School? Compared to what's goin' on in Soul Society? That's a joke… doesn't even come close."

:Becoming a doctor is a noble goal. You said you wanted to help people and save lives.:

"I can do that for a lot more people as a shinigami!"

:You have a family who misses you, friends who look up to you.:

"My family… I care about my family. Even my crazy idiot father." Ichigo struggled. "But they don't need me right now. Soul Society… the shinigami… they do!"

:Is that really all it is, Ichigo?:

He looked up, surprised. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asked suspiciously.

:How much of this has to do with the fact that you don't want to be separated from your lover? Is the situation in Hueco Mundo simply a convenient excuse to abandon your obligations to suit yourself?:

Ichigo couldn't believe what he was hearing. Zangetsu had never spoken to him with such contempt. And how dare he imply…

"How dare you?!" he fumed. "It's gonna be another war, only this time we have no idea what or who is causing the conflict. There's no simple 'defeat the bad guy' solution to end it all – it's gonna drag on for a long, long time at this rate. You of all people should know damned well why I want to go back. I—" He stopped mid-roar, mouth hanging open.

"I want to go back?"

No… "I need to go back."

"I'm going back," he stated firmly. The fury drained out of him, leaving only his determination.

:Good.: Zangetsu's approval radiated all around.

"Good?" he stared. "You bastard… you…"

:You needed to realize you'd already made your decision. What better way than to defend it against an unjust attack?:

"I should be pissed at you, but I can't afford to be. We've got a lot of work to do."

:Yes.:

"I need to talk to Pop and my sisters. And Urahara-san, and… I gotta go."

:Ichigo.:

"What?"

:It was an unjust attack. Your motivation for going back is sincere. But you know, it's not wrong to appreciate that doing the right thing has the added benefit of being there with Renji. You're both making the best of a difficult situation, and you've never once shirked your duties to be together.:

Relief swept through him when he heard the reassurance he hadn't realized he'd needed. "Thanks, Zangetsu," he smiled.

Ichigo opened his eyes. He had plans to make.

"Pop, I need to talk to ya."

Isshin looked up, surprise painted on his face. "What do you need, my son?" He spread his arms extravagantly. "Daddy is here for you!"

Ichigo made a face. "Cut it out, this is serious." He sat next to Isshin in the kitchen of the Kurosaki family home.

"Uh oh… did you have a lover's spat? You should never go to bed angry, you know. Your mother taught me that. You should always make it up and then make l—"

"Ack, please stop talking!" Ichigo cried, aghast.

"So you didn't have a fight with Renji?"

"Of course not, now will ya just listen?" he glared. "And stay outta my private life, while you're at it."

"Ahh, you are a grown man now. You don't need your father's wisdom anymore!" Isshin gestured dramatically.

"Actually, I kinda do. But only if you cut the crazy talk." Ichigo eyed his father suspiciously. "Can you pretend for five minutes that you're a normal father who happens to also be a shinigami, instead of a nut job?"

"Oh… you mean this is actually serious."

"Yes, dammit, that's what I'm tryin' to tell ya," Ichigo huffed.

"Ok, sorry." Isshin sat up straight in his chair and stared at Ichigo intently.

Ok this's creepy, but if he can do it for five minutes so can I.

"You must know how serious things are in Soul Society," Ichigo began quietly. "I know Urahara-san keeps you informed." He slid his eyes toward Isshin briefly before returning his gaze to the wall.

Normally they didn't discuss the fact that they both had separate identities as shinigami; knowing that his father understood and was even part of that other life was one thing, but discussing it calmly in the kitchen was another.

"Yes, he does."

"Then you know it's pretty rough."

"The situation isn't getting any better, is it?" Isshin asked.

"Let's put it this way – I haven't slept in over a day and a half. When I left this morning, it was on the heels of an attack that started at midnight and didn't end 'til nearly dawn."

"Definitely getting worse, then."

"A lot worse." Ichigo took a breath. "I'm going back."

"You just got back," his father pointed out.

"I can't ignore this, Pop. It's… it's my duty. I couldn't live with myself if I sat here and did nothin' to help." How corny can I get? It's true, though.

"Ichigo." Isshin's hand landed on his shoulder. "You have to do what you think is right. That's one of the most important lessons your mother and I tried to teach you kids." He smiled. "You do what you have to do."

Ichigo smiled back. "Thanks, Pop, I— oof!" He struggled to escape the bear hug that he was suddenly tackled with. "Get off me, argh!" He shifted his weight and flung his father to the floor.

"So proud of you, my son! Masaki, our boy is so noble and so strong!"

Ichigo groaned as he went in search of his sisters. Guess a few minutes of sanity was all he could manage.

Renji drained his glass. Two solid days of fighting put a bad taste in his mouth that no amount of alcohol could wash away, but he was trying anyway. So were Ikkaku and Yumichika.

Yumichika sat on the floor, looking far too serious for someone who was usually cheerful – and who was currently very drunk. Ikkaku paced around Renji's quarters, wandering pointlessly since he seemed unable to sit still.

It pained Renji to see his friends in such a state; he wondered briefly what he looked like to them as he gulped another of the odd green drinks Yumichika had concocted. What is this stuff? Renji licked his lips, trying to identify the taste. Whatever. Does the job.

"Oi, whas' 'is?" Ikkaku peered at something on Renji's desk.

"Eh?"

"Oh! 'S a letter!" his bloodshot eyes narrowed as he attempted to read it.

"Oh, that." Renji shrugged and refilled his glass – or tried to, anyway. The watery green stuff splashed out of the glass and over the table. "Oops."

Yumichika shrugged. "There's plenty more where that came from," he offered quietly.

"Yumichika—"

"Wha?!" Ikkaku's loud hooting interrupted. "Ya call this a letter? Pathetic!"

Renji glared. "Why the hell're you readin' my mail?"

"Got nothin' else ta do," Ikkaku shrugged. "An' 's a good thing, too, 'cause this sucks."

"What's the matter with it? 'S just a letter, not a damn sonnet." Renji leaped up, intending to retrieve his property, but the room spun under his feet. He settled for falling back against the couch and glowering darkly.

Yumichika looked up, the curiosity on his face a welcome change from the sombre, flat-eyed look he'd worn all day. "What does it say, Ikkaku?"

"Nothin' important, 's just a letter t' Ichigo," Renji shrugged.

"He's only been gone a few days, Abarai-kun!" Yumichika's unexpected laugh put the sparkle back in his eyes for a brief moment.

"So? Still needs t' know what's goin' on 'round here." Renji fidgeted. "Look, gimme the damn letter, it ain't even done yet."

"Nuh uh." Ikkaku sat on the floor beside Yumichika. "Listen t' this," he cleared his throat.

Ichigo,

There was another attack the day ya left. Lasted two solid days. Was pretty ugly – lotta injuries, but no deaths. Rikichi's in the infirmary, but Unohana-taichou says he's gonna be ok in the morning.

Ya might like to know that the 3rd did alright, though no one seems to care. 'Course no one cares about anything right now 'cept getting drunk and getting some sleep.

They're allowing full use of zanpakutou in Seireitei again. Ya know what that means. Looks like it's gonna get worse before it gets better. It's quiet today and we're off for a rest, but all leave's been cancelled for the next couple weeks. If things get better, they'll lift the restriction, but I dunno if I'll be able to make it out for a while. Might be able to pull in a couple favours and trade patrols with some of the other Divisions. We'll see.

Will write again when I know more.

"Not an ounce of romance in that, Abarai-kun." Yumichika shook his head sadly.

Ikkaku snorted. "'S boring. Hope all yer letters ain't been this way."

"Shut up, dumbass!" Renji made a grab for the letter but only succeeded in sliding off the couch, landing heavily on the hard floor. "Fuck!"

"That's really all ya got ta say ta him?"

"It's just a damn letter, Ikkaku, what else'm I supposed t' put? 'Havin' a terrible time fightin' freaky mutant Hollow monsters without ya, wish ya were here t' help.'?"

"Well that'd be a start. Ya could tell him how bad ya miss him, or how ya hate that yer alone here, or—"

"Shut up! I ain't writin' that stuff down!" This's gotta be some kinda bad dream…

"Why not?" Yumichika asked. "Don't you think he might like it?" He sounded genuinely interested.

Renji flushed. "He… he already knows that stuff!" No, it's a nightmare…

"But it's important to say these things sometimes, Abarai-kun."

"Even I know that!" Ikkaku put in.

"Why'm I even havin' this conversation with you two?!" It was then Renji noticed that Ikkaku was still sitting down, and that Yumichika looked more lively than he had since this whole mess began.

They really mean it. What if they're right? Never thought 'bout it before. He frowned. Maybe I gotta be less… practical.

Renji swallowed his pride along with another full glass of the green stuff. "Ya really think I should change it?"

"Definitely."

"Hell yeah."

I can't believe I'm doin' this. "Ok if you're both so damn smart, how do I fix it?"

Yumichika clapped his hands together. "Oh good, we get to write a love letter!"

"Don't say it like that!"

"Ohh, but it's fun!" He was very nearly sparkling with excitement.

"Just… shut up an' help me," Renji grumbled.

Ichigo slung his knapsack over his shoulder. "Thanks for takin' care of my body again, Urahara-san."

"No problem, Kurosaki-san!"

"I… I dunno when I'll be back this time. It'll be a while."

"That's alright, Kurosaki-san. As long as it's not years we'll be able to take care of your body just fine."

Years? Ichigo felt a bit odd at the thought of being separated from his body for so long. "Hopefully this won't take that long. The school's lettin' me withdraw for now and pick up again later, but I don't think they had years in mind when I told them I needed a leave of absence to take care of some family matters." Ichigo cracked a smile.

"We'll take good care of you." Urahara fluttered his fan. "Ready?"

"Yeah."

"Oh… I almost forgot." Urahara fished a letter out of his pocket. "This came for you first thing this morning."

Ichigo took the letter, recognizing Renji's writing on the front. Already? Must be important. "Thanks." He opened it, conscious of Urahara's inquisitive gaze as he read.

Ichigo,

Ya might like to know that the 3rd did alright, though no one seems to care. 'Course no one cares about anything right now 'cept getting drunk and getting some sleep.

Will write again when I know more.

Ikkaku and Yumichika are here now. They say "hi". They also say my letters suck, after that bastard Ikkaku found this and read it out loud. Whatever. Ya never complained before, but they're pretty sure about it. They got all sorts of ideas how I should fix it – they're both drunk as hell, and I must be, too, to even consider it. Ya should hear some of the stuff they want me to write, though. Ridiculous. I'm writing a letter, not a damn sonnet. Plus ya already know these things, so why spell it out?

Yumichika says people need to say that stuff every now and then even if they already know it. Guess that's kinda true. But it doesn't do ya any good to read the words. Or does it? I dunno, I never got a love letter before, either – and can ya believe that's what Yumichika's calling this? Maybe we both just suck at writing letters. I don't think so, though. I like getting your letters. I wanna know what our friends are up to, and how your classes are going, and how Karin and Yuzu are doing, and what your father's latest crazy stunt was.

Ikkaku says I should tell ya how much I miss ya, and how much I hate that I'm here alone. Ya already know that, don't ya? Well I do. Miss ya, I mean, and hate that I'm here alone. I hate sleeping alone. I hate not waking up with ya, and I hate not going to sleep with ya beside me in our bed.

I read that over, and there's sure a lotta hate there. It's all true, I hate being away from ya, even though I know this is how it's gotta be for now. But if I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this right. This isn't supposed to be about hate, it's supposed to be about letting ya know what I'm feeling. Well I'm feeling like it's hard right now, but we got forever, and that's all that matters. That's what keeps me going when I wake up without ya beside me.

Damn, I really miss ya.

Renji

PS – They say I'm supposed to start with "Dear Ichigo" and end with "Love Renji".

Ichigo read it twice to make sure he wasn't seeing things. He was flushed when he finally folded it up with shaking fingers and stowed it safely in an inner pocket.

"Ohh, was it good news?"

"Nothin' I didn't already know. Good to be told again, though." Ichigo cleared his throat. "Ready when you are, Urahara-san."

Omake
Chapter 6 omake

HollowIchigo: (cackles)

Akuni: You cut that out! You promised you'd behave if we let you out.

Zangetsu: That might not have been wise…

Akuni: Eh?

Zangetsu: He's not exactly trustworthy, is he?

HollowIchigo: (Hey!)

Akuni: frowns Disobedience carries a heavy price.

Zangetsu: …

HollowIchigo: (You don't scare me!))

Akuni: No, but I know someone who might.

Isshin: Is it time for my cameo yet? Is it?!

HollowIchigo: (Ahh!) (screams and flees)

Isshin: (sobs) No one wants to play with meee!

Akuni: Aw, there there. (pats)