The Marauder's Map
FILCH
a/n HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Filch scowled angrily at the Marauders passing him. The stupid gang leaders and the damn wolfboy! They thought it was funny to throw food everywhere? Well, they didn't know anything, then!
Filch's face twitched horribly. But where was the stupider boy? That fat one that was always tagging along behind them?
His ugly fave twisted into a grimace as he tried to figure out where he was. Suddenly, a greasy-haired and sour-faced boy came running into his office, narrowly missing Mrs Norris.
"Snape!" Filch shrieked. "You have detention! There is to be no running in the castle! You nearly stepped onto Mrs Norris!"
Snape composed himself. "Sir, I found this parchment. I think it is some sort of prank."
Filch snatched it out of his hands, and waved him away. "Go – you've made your point, stupid boy …"
Snape left the office, smirking slightly.
Filch sat down and examined the parchment. He was no wizard, though he did have a few broken wands in his office. Grabbing one, he poked the paper, saying "Show yourself, you stupid thing."
Nothing happened.
Mrs Norris, the cat, seemed to find something was happening, and jumped onto the desk.
"Squibs aren't stupid, you know!" Filch muttered. "Just show yourself you mangily old stupid piece of withered work! My sweet – any ideas?"
Nothing happened.
"Why you – ARGUS FILCH, THE CARETAKER OF HOGWARTS AND THEREFORE KEEPER OF THESE STUPID THINGS – DEMAND YOU TO SHOW YOUR STUPID SELF!"
He jabbed hard at the parchment, when suddenly words began scripting onto the page.
Mr Padfoot would like to ask Mr Filch to stop jabbing.
Filch froze.
Mr Prongs agrees with Mr Padfoot, and would like to tell Mr Filch that he needs to get plastic surgery to change his ugly face.
Mr Moony would like to inform Mr Filch that he needs to go to anger management.
Mr Wormtail would like to state that Mr Filch's obsession with Mrs Norris makes him look stupid.
Mr Padfoot would like to correct Mr Wormtail by stating Mr Filch is stupid.
Mr Prongs would like to shake his head at his friends' stupidity, for calling Mr Filch stupid is stupid. Mr Filch is the stupidest of the stupidest.
Mr Moony agrees most sincerely.
Mr Wormtail would like to ask Mr Filch if he is a Mr or a Mrs.
Mr Padfoot would like to know if Mr Filch had sex change.
Mr Prongs would like to find out if Mr Filch is gay.
Mr Moony would like to see if Mr Filch has the hots for Mrs Norris.
Mr Padfoot would also like to know if Mr Filch's parents were trolls.
Mr Prongs would like to mention that though trolls are stupid and ugly, Mr Filch is the stupidest and ugliest.
Mr Wormtail could tell Mr Filch that if Mr Filch would desire to have children, no one will sign his child's birth certificate.
Mr Padfoot would raise an eyebrow to this comment for he can have no children because no sane person would agree to share lives with him.
Mr Moony would like to congratulate Mr Filch on being the most hated caretaker in the world.
Mr Prongs would like to tell Mr Filch that no one else has over a thousand people who hate Mr Filch.
Mr Wormtail feels extraordinarily sorry for Mr Filch's parents.
Mr Moony cannot sympathise enough.
Mr Padfoot does not feel it necessary to feel pitiful for people who raised such an ugly and stupid and idiotic child.
Mr Moony will have nightmares from dreaming of Mr Filch as a child.
Mr Wormtail wonders if Mr Filch as a child was dropped on the head.
Mr Prongs would like to know if Mr Filch is merely stupid or ignorant of his stupidity, which in turn allows him to act stupid anyway.
Mr Moony would like to answer Mr Prongs by stating the obvious. Mr Filch will be stupid for his entire life for his existence if caused for people to tease him for he is too stupid.
Mr Padfoot would like to say that Mr Filch's hormones must be working very strangely if Mr Filch is attracted to Mrs Norris.
Mr Wormtail agrees, and states that Mr Filch is gay because no one likes him.
Mr Prongs would like to suggest that Mr Filch go and drown himself.
Mr Moony demands that Mr Filch should go and incinerate and burn and shoot and poke himself to death with a fork.
Mr Padfoot would like to ask Mr Filch if Mr Filch has ever dreamt of going on a diet.
Mr Wormtail must tell Mr Filch that he is pathetic.
Mr Prongs would like to correct Mr Wormtail. Mr Filch is not pathetic. Mr Filch is VERY pathetic.
Mr Moony would like to certify that everyone believes Mr Filch to be extremely pathetic.
Mr Padfoot would like to correct Mr Moony. People do not believe he is pathetic. People KNOW he is pathetic.
Mr Wormtail would like to state that though is has been a pleasure tormenting the stupid mongrel also known as Mr Filch, Mr Wormtail and his friends will have to retire for now.
Mr Prongs would to farewell the abnormally stupid Mr Filch.
Mr Moony would like to ignore that Mr Filch will be going away soon.
Mr Padfoot would like to tell Mr Filch to go and shove his face in a toilet that has been occupied by a poor person who had a sickness that makes your poo go soft and squishy.
a/n well, how was it:) this time however, I will be expecting requests with the reviews about who the marauder's map should insult next???? I expect reviews ppl! Remember, tell me who you want to get insulted next time:)