The Marauder's Map

SIRIUS

a/n I can hear you muttering … YES HE IS COOL BUT … he is stupid. Even I admit it, and I'm kinda named after him (Miss Padfoot)! so enjoy!! (But Sirius is actually REALLY smart but he just hides it). REVIEW AND U GET NICE INVISIBLE AND TASTELESS COOKIES BUT THEY R NICE ANYWAY SO WATEVA!!!!!!

and no offence to christians or catholics or people who believe in god or something when I write stuff like 'Jesus!' or 'OMG'. so yeh. and I forgot to put disclaimers in be4. I DON'T OWN HARRY POTTER:(

Sirius laughed with his friends as they watched the Slytherin table practically explode.

"Did you see Snape's face?" he choked, banging his head on the table.

"I – know!" James gasped, tears collapsing down his face.

Lily looked disapproving. "Potter – Black – really – and Potter, your glasses are wet."

James stopped laughing and took off his glasses. Sirius to his amusement saw Lily's face was slightly red as he wiped them off.

"You like someone?" he whispered to her.

Lily flushed deeply, shoved him away, and began drinking her pumpkin juice quickly.

James looked suspiciously at Sirius. "Nothing mate," he winked.

James shrugged.

Suddenly a figure came bearing down onto them.

"I know it was you," he hissed.

Sirius stared at Filch, then suddenly burst out laughing. "You – chins – wobble!" he managed to choke out.

James started to laugh as well. Remus and Peter decided that drinking their pumpkin juice and reading the newspaper was extremely vital at the moment, and so disappeared from Filch's view.

Filch frowned – the effect was like a rat (haha Wormtail) making a face at a fat and ugly cat.

"Do not speak like that to your elders!" Filch shirked. Soon everyone in the hall was watching this. Dumbledore up front was gazing with amusement at them while Professor McGonagall's mouth was hitched into a frown.

"You – an elder? I think not – well, I admit you're a kinda old but –" Sirius never finished his sentence as Filch lowered his face – which was no pretty thing – and smirked.

"Black, come to my office at 7:00. Don't be late, or you'll be scrubbing the whole hall by yourself with no magic."

Sirius gulped. "I'll be there … Filth – oops, did I say that? I meant Filch."

Filch growled dangerously, and stalked off, leaving Sirius to hi-five James.

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Exactly one minute past seven, Sirius strode inside Filch's small, dirty and plopped himself into the chair opposite Filch's desk.

"Well … I'm here," he smirked.

Filch narrowed his eyes. "You're late."

Sirius shrugged. "Only by a minute or less." His eyes caught a drawer that had a label on it that read Confiscated and Highly Dangerous.

Filch's jaw started to shiver, sending his chins wobbling. "I will not tolerate lateness, Black!"

"Whatever." A playful smirk tugged at his lips. "What do you want me to do?" Making sure his hands were hidden under the desk, he started to fiddle around in his jacket.

"You think this is some kind of joke – Black?"

Sirius grinned as he found what he was looking for. Clutching it in his hands, he suddenly craned his neck and acted as if Peeves was behind Filch.

"Heya Peeves!"

Filch swung around and started waving his hands at the air. Sirius tried not to laugh at Filch and instead took out the dungbombs and tossed them into the air.

As Filch struggled to clear his eyes and nose, Sirius whipped open the drawer, and his eyes widened in shock at what was inside. Fanged Boomerangs, Screaming Yoyos, hundreds of dungbombs, tubes of weird gases and other fangled things were all cluttered inside. Sirius quickly uttered a spell that made everything inside go into a bag that suddenly appeared, and grabbing it, he quickly left Filch gasping and coughing behind him.

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Sirius sat down on one of the common room couches, and poured over all his new things. He grinned at the sight of a Polyjuice potion that was disguised as a love potion, and a love potion that was disguised as pumpkin juice.

Suddenly something caught his eye. He pulled it out and gasped.

It was the Marauder's Map, in all its glory.

But what the HELL was it doing in THERE? Peter had left it up in the dorm … or had he?

Sirius narrowed his eyes at this. Where was the stinky little rat? Pulling the map towards him, he suddenly realised that because he hadn't used the map in ages, he had forgotten the password.

"Crap!" Sirius muttered to himself. "Er … Lighten up!" He tapped the map.

But nothing happened.

"Tell me how to make cookies," he guessed.

Nothing happened.

"Show me where Africa is! Slytherins are scumbags! Hogwarts is warty!" With every statement he said, he poked the wand and kept pouting. "Dinosaurs eat birds! I like custard pie! Peter is a worm! James is a stag! Oooh … haha, that's funny! Um … Remus wolfs down books! Er … Sirius – me, the BEAUTIFUL and DASHING SIRIUS BLACK WILL DROOL DOG DROOL ON YOU IF YOU DON'T HURRY UP AND SHOW YOURSELF TO THE SEXY AND HOT SIRIUS BLACK, ONE OF YOU DAMN CREATORS!!! FOR GOD'S SAKES, JUST SHOW YOURSELF ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!"

Words began creeping they're way on to the page as Sirius gained his breath.

Mr Padfoot would like to state that Mr Black is a stupid idiot.

Sirius scowled. "You're not supposed to insult me!" he muttered. "Wait … 'you're' me …so I'm insulting myself … okay …wait, HEY THAT'S STILL WRONG!"

Mr Prongs would like to ask Mr Black why his best friend is such a nutter.

"'Coz I'm you're friend, DUH."

Mr Moony would like to suggest Mr Black to visit the asylum of idiots.

"That would be a nice trip!"

Mr Wormtail would like to tell Mr Black to grow his hair to hide his ugly face.

Mr Padfoot is very ashamed to admit that Mr Black is Mr Padfoot's future self.

Mr Moony would like to tell Mr Black that Mr Black's nose looks rather like Mr Snape's.

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "He's going down …" he grinned.

My Wormtail would like to tell Mr Black that he is incredibly stupid.

Mr Prongs would like to mention that Mr Black's many bottles of conditioners have not worked at all unless he always desired to be the twin of Mr Snape?

Sirius glared at the map and vowed to prank James to make his hair turn pink the first chance he got.

Mr Padfoot would like to mention that Mr Black is extremely stupid.

Mr Prongs would like to congratulate Mr Padfoot calling his future self stupid.

Mr Padfoot would like to accept Mr Prongs's congratulations.

Mr Wormtail would definitely call Mr Black an idiot.

Mr Moony would like to hazard a guess that Mr Black is an absolute moron if that has not already been said.

Mr Wormtail would like to pull Mr Black's ears.

Mr Prongs would dearly love to box Mr Black's ears.

Mr Padfoot would like to shield his eyes from the misfortune of seeing his ugly self getting pummelled.

Mr Moony feels no pity for Mr Black for Mr Black's brain is too dim and troll-like to understand pity.

Mr Wormtail would like to raise his eyebrows at Mr Moony's comment.

Mr Prongs must wonder why anyone would pity Mr Black.

Mr Padfoot would like to state that it is obvious.

Mr Prongs understands now.

Mr Wormtail feels that he should be pitied because he is so low in the world.

Sirius raised his eyebrows at this. Low? Pah! Who was the one who had more than half the percentage of girls in the castle wanting him? And Peter was calling him low

Mr Moony is glad that Mr Wormtail finally understands the stupidity of Mr Black.

Mr Padfoot is still shocked that Mr Black is his future self.

Mr Prongs offers his sincere sympathy to Mr Padfoot.

Mr Wormtail is deeply disgusted with Mr Black.

Mr Moony would like to state the fact that Mr Black is a dependant fool who would one day decide to turn into a woman.

Ouch.

Mr Prongs congratulates Mr Moony for he has not thought of Mr Black being a homosexual before.

Mr Padfoot begs to concur.

Mr Wormtail would like to state his opinion that Mr Black is gay because no one likes him.

Mr Moony would like to say Mr Black must've been a girl in his past life.

Mr Prongs would like to tell Mr Black that he is a dirty little slutbag.

Mr Moony would like to tell Mr Prongs off for 'slutbag' is not a word, but agrees that he us little and dirty.

Mr Wormtail would like so say that Mr Black is a donkey.

Mr Padfoot would like to raise his eyebrows at this comment.

Mr Prongs would like to say that Mr Black is a horrible git who neither understands nor appreciates everything good in the world.

Mr Moony would like to pummel Mr Black into a mass of blackness and bruises.

Mr Padfoot must say farewell to stupid Mr Black who deserves a large spanking.

Mr Moony tires of talking to Mr Black and would like to leave without wasting any words for Mr Black.

Mr Wormtail is rather sad for insulting Mr Black is over.

Mr Prongs bids farewell to the idiotic Mr Black who cannot even remember how to access one of his own creations.

Sirius stared at the parchment. "That's what I get for not being like Remus!" he muttered to himself. "Life isn't fair. I didn't ask to be forgetful." But after he thought (a/n OMG HE WAS THINKING!!!!!!!! hoho) for a while he realised that if he was like Remus that would take all the fun outta life. Besides, he thought with a grin, if he hadn't found this he wouldn't have all this junk, plus now he had an excuse to prank the rest of the marauders.

Ok … no offence to homosexuals here ok?? no hard feelings?? and I am SOOOOOOOOO SORRY FOR THE DELAY FOR THIS CHAPTER!!! But those who have read my profile might understand it took me a while 'coz I was SOOOOOOOOOO busy with Kingdom Hearts II!!!!!!!!! did I mention that I have three obsessions: 1. harry potter. 2. kingdom hearts. 3. high school musical. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh and regards to for ideas for comments!!! hoho I highly recommend you to check it out!!!

and I am SOOOOOOOOOO sorry that this chapter is sooo crap!!!! my favourite one is Snape so far. what about you guys??

plz review!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!