Title: Apotheosis
Series: sequel to Nexus
Author: Akuni
Genre: Drama/Romance
Rating: M for 'Much Smut'
Pairing: Renji/Ichigo
Spoilers: read through Soul Society & Arrancar Arcs
Summary: One year after Nexus, Ichigo and Renji face personal challenges and a new crisis that threatens everyone.
Word Count: 65,500ish
Warnings: There is more talk about the war with Aizen that I wrote around in Nexus. There are mentions of character deaths during the war, but they're mostly minor. Should also be noted that there's some definite Shuuhei/Yumichika subtext, and off camera Hitsugaya/Hinamori.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, I'm just borrowing it for a while.
Distribution: Also posted to my LJ. Please ask if you want to share it :)

Dedication: To my wonderful beta Shelagh, for putting up with my writing process and for drawing the amazing art that goes with my stories. She keeps me on the path of reality when my feet try to take me down sugar plum lane. And for Sara, our partner in fangirling and BL love, for helping us stay silly and sane. And I suppose even for my husband, who has had to endure my mental love affair with Renji, my extended hours on my laptop writing this beast, and my ups and downs while writing it. One night we got drunk and he let me read all my fics out loud to him in one night (yes, even all of Nexus) - my voice was ruined the next day, but we had a great laugh. He laughed in all the right places, and wouldn't let me chicken out and stop reading at the sexy bits. :)

And as always, to all my fellow Renji/Ichigo fangirls/guys out there. We know it's impossible, we know it's silly, and we know it's damned hot!

A/N: I said Nexus ate my life - I was wrong. So very wrong. The idea for Apotheosis came to me while I was still writing Nexus, and I scribbled down a couple pages of notes as I went along. Nexus was posted at the end of August, and it's now December. I've only taken a handful of days off writing this story - I even took my notebook to work and scribbled lines and scenes as they came to me. This is definitely an obsession. And I loved every minute of it. I hope you all do, too.

Chapter 9 - Discord

Ichigo surveyed the formation of the shinigami under his command. Good enough for now. They're a lot better.

This was his fifth time leading a patrol as acting captain of the 3rd Division. It didn't feel so strange anymore. Renji was right, of course. I've led people before. This's just a bit more formal's all.

"Kurosaki-taichou-dairi, two new Hollow presences to the North," a scout reported.

Ichigo nodded; with his new position, he'd stopped fighting the formality. "Squads Three and Four to the North with me. Squads One and Two finish up here." He already knew about the new enemy threat, but he was determined to see the shinigami under his command learn to use their abilities to the fullest, and hopefully find a little confidence along the way.

Confidence had been in short supply in the 3rd Division lately. Much of the improvement they'd made had diminished with the brutal beating they'd taken in the fight that put Kira out of commission for weeks.

The scout led Squads Three and Four directly to the Hollows in the North. Ichigo watched his forces deploy and destroy the Hollows efficiently, with only a few words from him.

"Good work, everyone. Need to work on formation still, but other'n that this went very smoothly." Ichigo made sure to hand out compliments and criticisms where they'd have the best effect. A chorus of "Yes, Kurosaki-taichou-dairi" and "Thank you, Kurosaki-taichou-dairi" answered him as the shinigami accepted both comments eagerly.

They cleared the area and quickly rejoined the rest of the Division. Ichigo made it a point to hear the final reports before authorizing any return to Seireitei, as was his habit.

"Hollows dispatched, Kurosaki-taichou-dairi. The area is clear," the leader of Squad One informed him.

"Casualties?" he asked.

"None!" The squad leader beamed. "Only minor scratches, already on the mend."

Ichigo looked over his forces with approval. "Time to go home, people. We did good work today."

Now if they can just keep this up, by the time Kira gets back we'll have a strong Division even Kuchiki Byakuya could be proud of.

He just hoped that wasn't too much to ask for…

§

Ichigo dodged the serrated blade, looking for the opening he suspected would be right…there! He pivoted and swung his foot, catching Renji off balance and sending him flying.

Twice in a row… that was too easy, we're getting sloppy. They'd been fitting in extra training whenever they could, constantly challenging each other to improve.

"Yanno we've been doin' a lotta sword work lately," Ichigo offered. "Maybe we should brush up on hakuda."

"What's that supposed t' mean?" Renji stared at him from the ground.

Ichigo was taken aback by the suspicion in his partner's tone. "Er, nothin', just sayin' we could use some practice is all."

The shinigami sat up quickly. "Been doin' this a long time, don't tell me how t' fight!"

"I'm not!" Ichigo retorted, his temper flaring in response to the testy words and the angry energy rising.

"You are! What, am I deaf now, too?" Renji snapped sullenly.

"What the hell are you so pissed about?" Ichigo's voice rose to match. He knew Renji had a temper even shorter than his own, but it had been years since they'd had a serious fight, not since before the war – it was hard to be truly angry with someone after fighting together for each others' lives, and their arguments were mostly stupid and fizzled out quickly. I got no clue where this is comin' from, but I'll be damned if I sit here and take it!

Renji glared. "This is my life! Been doin' this since before ya were thought of, I don't need a part-time substitute shinigami tellin' me how t' train, even if he is Seireitei's favourite hero."

Hurt slammed into his gut like a cold fist. Is that what you really think?

Ichigo ground his teeth. "I dunno what your problem is, but this 'part-time substitute shinigami' has another training session to give his Division, so they don't get killed when I lead them out on our extra patrols. Yanno, the ones we make because of the crisis going on – the crisis I dropped my short, insignificant life to help with." He grabbed Zangetsu and stalked toward the exit, seething with upset anger. "You know where to find me when you're done bein' an ass."

"Ichigo, wait… I—"

He didn't want to hear it – he flashed away.

§

"—didn't mean that."

Brilliant. Just fuckin' brilliant. Renji flung his arm over his eyes as he fell back in the dirt. Take your mood out on the one person… fuck! Stupid stray, I need a muzzle.

Ever since Ichigo had been promoted, he'd felt increasingly uncomfortable at the distance he saw in their abilities. Most of Soul Society had nothing but praise for Ichigo. Renji was proud of his partner, prouder than he could ever possibly say, but it was hard living in another man's shadow. And he'd done enough of that as Kuchiki Byakuya's lieutenant to know he never wanted to do it again.

But with Ichigo, it's impossible – he is the hero everyone makes him out t' be. He's earned the right t' expect t' be heard. He might not have the formal trainin', but he's got the right instincts.

Renji sighed. Hard bein' with someone who don't need t' be perfect t' be number one… someone who'll always be more powerful than you no matter how hard ya try. Someone who might not really need ya…

§

Ichigo did his best to put aside the furious hurt and focus on the training exercises he was leading. The best he could do was to force his feelings down into a hard knot that burned in his gut, and lock down his reiatsu so he wouldn't affect anyone around him.

Even with all his efforts, the squads he was training sensed the edges of his mood, and worked quietly and diligently at their exercises. The session ended uneventfully after a couple hours of good work. Ichigo couldn't summon any guilt for the charged atmosphere he'd inspired; it was just as well they learned to handle a tense situation now – they wouldn't get the chance to adjust on the battlefield.

Guess I should go see how bad the damage is. Ichigo fought down a wave of uncertainty as he headed home to wait.

§

"I'm home," Renji announced quietly as he dropped into a chair.

Ichigo couldn't respond, couldn't even look up. He kept as tight a grip on his reiatsu as he could, all of his spiritual power so focused on keeping himself locked in that he couldn't even feel the shinigami in the room with him. That lack gnawed at his heart; it had been a very long time since he hadn't felt Renji's spiritual presence in at least some small way, but he couldn't bear the thought of feeling rejection in it now.

"Do you…" Ichigo steeled himself to ask. "Do you want me to leave?" Best to find out quickly.

"What?! NO!" Renji leaped out of his chair. "Just 'cause… You… you don't want to, do you?"

Relief. "Of course not!" The pain and uncertainty in Renji's voice had finally pulled Ichigo's gaze off the floor, and the stricken expression on the shinigami's face was salt in the wound. "But I'm not real happy with you right now."

"I shouldn't a'… I didn't mean it." Renji was pacing around the room now, as he often did when he was wound up. "I don't think that 'bout you."

"That just makes it worse," Ichigo said stiffly. "Don't say shit ya don't mean."

Renji winced visibly. "I… I'm… I got a problem I dunno what t' do with."

"Spit it out, then."

"It's just… you're… better'n me," Renji muttered. "Someday I won't be able t' reach ya anymore. Ya won't need me."

Ichigo stared at him incredulously. "Are you kiddin' me? What the hell kinda stupid idea is that?"

"What?" Renji bristled, clearly taken by surprise.

Ichigo laughed roughly. "This's gotta be a sick joke. Abarai Renji, jealous of someone else's abilities? Insecure about his own? Why'n hell would I train with you if I'm so much better? That makes no sense at all. You're one of the few people I don't have to worry about sparring with."

"Great, so I can take a beatin'. Maybe you're just bein' nice, knowin' ya could win if ya really wanted." If Ichigo didn't know better, he'd think Renji was sulking.

Ichigo shook his head in disbelief. "You're one of the youngest captains in the Gotei 13. You achieved bankai by training secretly on your own, and the very first thing you did with it was challenge your own damn captain, bloody Kuchiki Byakuya, even though you knew you were horribly outmatched – and through sheer stubborn will you managed to drive the man to one knee! You survived his bankai and scored a hit on him, what the hell more do you want? And let's not forget that stupid orange-haired ryoka you nearly broke in half with a single blow when he seriously underestimated you."

"Don't patronize me!" Renji snarled. "I know what I've done – an' what ya forgot t' point out is that I lost all those fights!"

Ichigo threw up his hands. "What the hell does that matter? Is this some 11th Division shit again? Moral victories don't count? I lost plenty of fights, too, but the way I see it at least we had the guts to try. Grimmjaw Jaggerjack ring a bell for ya?"

Renji didn't look satisfied with that explanation. "Well it ain't easy bein' 'round someone like you all the time! I got nearly half a century head start, but that don't seem t' matter."

Ichigo had had enough. He stood and pointed a stiff finger at the shinigami. "I worked hard to get where I am, just like you!"

"Yeah well there's one big difference between you'n me, an' ya didn't work very hard or very long for that at all!" Renji snapped pointedly. They both knew exactly what he was talking about.

"I can't help what I am!" Ichigo exploded, fury and pain roiling in his gut. "I can't believe you… that's what this is about? The Hollow? The one I 'didn't work very hard for'? The one that nearly killed me when the change was forced on me without my knowledge or consent? The one that nearly killed me again when I fought for so long to gain some kind of control over it? Did you forget what I went through to get him under control? What I have to do every time I—" Ichigo stopped shouting to suck in deep lungfuls of air.

Renji was staring at him with a look of horror – shame was painted across his face as he opened his mouth soundlessly a few times. It didn't matter – no words could erase the painful truths that had just been revealed.

"I can't take this." Ichigo shoved his feet into his sandals. "I can't be around you right now, 'cause I don't wanna say somethin' I can't take back."

"Are ya comin' back?" Renji asked quietly.

Ichigo looked at him for a long moment, stricken to the core. "You really have to ask?" He left without another word.

§

Ichigo wore himself out demolishing the landscape in Yoruichi and Urahara's hidden training ground. He couldn't think around the hurt and anger and fear that beat at him incessantly. When he finally dropped from sheer exhaustion, he was forced to let the fight back into the front of his mind and look at the truths behind the ugly words.

I can't do anything about my power. Can't believe he thinks he's weak next to me – that's beyond stupid. Where'd he lose his confidence in himself?

And where'd he lose his confidence in me... in us?

Ichigo clenched his fists. I opened the door for that. I asked the question first, with less provocation, so I shouldn't be surprised or upset that he had to ask, too, especially after I kept walkin' away. Why is it so easy to fear that this could just be thrown away with angry words? Did we really think 'forever' meant 'just until we get pissed off'?

His heart thumped painfully. But how could he think I wouldn't need him anymore? Training aside, we're supposed to be partners, and that's supposed to mean more than just fighting. I am what I am, and that's never going away, but I'll always need him, no matter what. Isn't that the most important thing? Why isn't it enough that we love each other?

Ichigo dropped his head in his hands. I'm tired. His father's advice rose in his mind. "You should never go to bed angry, you know. Your mother taught me that. You should always make it up and then make l—"

I dunno if I can do that, but I know I can't leave it like this. I gotta go home. This's still worth fighting for.

§

I am the most unbelievably stupid person in all a' Seireitei right now. Renji pummelled his leg with his fist. What'n hell just came outta your mouth, you dumb fuck?

He felt sick. Some a' that had t' be talked about, but not like that – not angry, not spat out like knives thrown right for the gut.

Ichigo's voice spiralled through his head endlessly, fuelling his despair. "Do you want me to leave? … I can't be around you right now."

I drove him there, t' that place. My stupid pride… my insecurity… shit that ain't got no place between us. Couldn't just ask him outright what he thought, oh no, had t' go an' throw it at him like he'd come out an' said I was too weak.

Renji leaned back on the couch, wondering just how he was going to explain this well enough for Ichigo to understand.

His head snapped up when he felt the approach of familiar energy, no longer hidden. His heart began hammering in his chest as he shot to his feet, fists clenched at his sides as he waited anxiously.

§

This had to be done just right – they were too raw to endure any more tonight. Ichigo took a deep breath before opening the door and stepping inside their quarters.

"I'm home," he said softly, meeting the dark, anxious eyes unwaveringly. He extended his reiatsu – apology, forgiveness, and peace offering.

Renji made a strangled noise that began somewhere deep in his chest and ended against Ichigo's ear as he flashed to Ichigo's side and caught him in a crushing embrace, physically and spiritually. "I'm sorry," his voice was choked. "I'm sorry, Ichigo, I didn't mean it like that, it wasn't—"

Ichigo returned the desperate hug with all his strength. "Stop, Renji, it's ok." The almost painful whirl of energy around them was laced with emptiness, relief, guilt, contrition, determination, and a dozen other things too complex to identify. "I shouldn't have… I mean, I should've trusted you more. Trusted this more."

They stood locked together silently, shivering with relief in each others' arms. Finally, Ichigo eased himself out of the rib-cracking embrace. "C'mon, sit down. We gotta talk this out."

And so they did, for hours, long into the night. They'd never discussed some important differences between them – the significant age gap, for one, and the vastly different life experiences for another – and this whole mess just proved what a mistake that had been. They were getting a painful lesson in the difference between a long-distance relationship with short visits and managing daily life together in the long-term. It hurt like hell, but they were determined to pass the test.

Eventually they ran out of words; they were drained and exhausted, but it was worth it to ease the burning hurt and start to find the warm affection between them again. When they finally went to bed they lay together quietly, not quite touching, waiting for sleep to seal their new understanding.

Renji turned and looked at him with one final question. "We really ok now?" His eyes looked as wounded as Ichigo felt – they'd worked out a lot, but only time would heal the rest. Things would be strained for a while, but…

Ichigo nodded, relieved that they could start to put it behind them now. "Yeah, we're good." He stretched a tentative hand across the breach.

"Good, 'cause I'm freezin', an' I didn't wanna start another war t' get some a' those blankets back off ya." Renji offered a small smile with a hint of his usual humour as he shifted closer into Ichigo's willing embrace.

Their thoughts as they drifted off were very similar. Remember that look on his face, and remember you helped put it there. Remember how awful you feel right now the next time you're about to do something asinine without thinking it through.

§

Omake
Chapter 9 omake

Akuni: Geez. You had that stuff brewing for a while, I guess.

Renji: Guess so.

Ichigo: That was… intense.

Akuni: You guys ok?

Renji: Yep!

Ichigo: Of course! We can't stay long though, we gotta get back. (grins)

Renji: Oh yeah, right, we're in a hurry. (smiles happily)

Akuni: (eyes them suspiciously) Why are you so chipper? You just had the worst fight since you've known each other. Shouldn't you be all… well you know? Sad and emo or something?

Ichigo: Well yeah we did that. But you know what happens after that, don't you? You already wrote it once.

Akuni: (stares blankly)

Renji: Give ya a hint: Make. Up. Sex.

Ichigo: (chuckles) Good hint.

Akuni: OH!

Renji: Yanno they're gonna lynch ya for not showin' it again. 'Specially since that was a real fight, which means… (trails off meaningfully)

Akuni: … Oh hell, hide me!