Title: Apotheosis
Series: sequel to Nexus
Author: Akuni
Genre: Drama/Romance
Rating: M for 'Much Smut'
Pairing: Renji/Ichigo
Spoilers: read through Soul Society & Arrancar Arcs
Summary: One year after Nexus, Ichigo and Renji face personal challenges and a new crisis that threatens everyone.
Word Count: 65,500ish
Warnings: There is more talk about the war with Aizen that I wrote around in Nexus. There are mentions of character deaths during the war, but they're mostly minor. Should also be noted that there's some definite Shuuhei/Yumichika subtext, and off camera Hitsugaya/Hinamori.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, I'm just borrowing it for a while.
Distribution: Also posted to my LJ. Please ask if you want to share it :)

Dedication: To my wonderful beta Shelagh, for putting up with my writing process and for drawing the amazing art that goes with my stories. She keeps me on the path of reality when my feet try to take me down sugar plum lane. And for Sara, our partner in fangirling and BL love, for helping us stay silly and sane. And I suppose even for my husband, who has had to endure my mental love affair with Renji, my extended hours on my laptop writing this beast, and my ups and downs while writing it. One night we got drunk and he let me read all my fics out loud to him in one night (yes, even all of Nexus) - my voice was ruined the next day, but we had a great laugh. He laughed in all the right places, and wouldn't let me chicken out and stop reading at the sexy bits. :)

And as always, to all my fellow Renji/Ichigo fangirls/guys out there. We know it's impossible, we know it's silly, and we know it's damned hot!

A/N: I said Nexus ate my life - I was wrong. So very wrong. The idea for Apotheosis came to me while I was still writing Nexus, and I scribbled down a couple pages of notes as I went along. Nexus was posted at the end of August, and it's now December. I've only taken a handful of days off writing this story - I even took my notebook to work and scribbled lines and scenes as they came to me. This is definitely an obsession. And I loved every minute of it. I hope you all do, too.

Chapter 14 - Proposition

Why do I hafta be here? Ichigo stood between Kira and Renji, wondering again why he had to attend this captains' meeting. So far he hadn't been called on for anything, and he hadn't heard anything he didn't already know.

Mayuri wound down his long-winded report on whatever it was that he'd dissected this week, and Yamamoto took control of the meeting again.

"Now there is one final matter we must address." The old man looked at Kira briefly before continuing to address the room. "In light of the current, permanent situation in Hueco Mundo, it has been decided that the 3rd Division is in need of an official captain."

Ichigo blinked in surprise. That's what this is about? Kira's gettin' promoted? He glanced at his blonde friend – Kira looked equally surprised, and shrugged unknowingly.

"Kira-dono has done his best to lead the Division, but we believe it's time for a change. The required approval has been achieved." Yamamoto's eyes swept the room, and landed squarely on Ichigo.

"Kurosaki Ichigo, we invite you to stay and take over permanently as Captain of the 3rd Division."

Ichigo went numb.

§

Renji reeled. His stunned senses registered shock, disbelief, and a hint of outright panic from Ichigo before it was abruptly cut off. He resisted the urge to reach out and steady the man beside him as he swayed momentarily. Instead, he looked around the room to try and gauge the reactions of the other captains.

Shuuhei met Renji's darting eyes and shook his head unnecessarily – the startled look on his face was proof enough that he hadn't been aware of this decision. A glance at Kira revealed surprise – and approval? Renji couldn't stop to think about that right now. He shifted his attention to the other side of the room, and met Kuchiki Byakuya's indigo gaze. The noble held himself as aloof as ever, but Renji hadn't watched the man for so many years without learning how to read him. A nod as imperceptible as the one he'd delivered in response to their defence of the 3rd Division all those months ago… the subtle curve of his mouth that wasn't even the ghost of a smile. He'd known, and he'd approved.

"Six captains have given their personal recommendations. Three others have agreed." Yamamoto was still speaking, but Renji wasn't sure if Ichigo was even hearing him until he stepped forward to face the old man directly.

"When do you require my decision, Yamamoto-sou-taichou?" Ichigo's voice was steady, though the corners of his eyes were tense.

"There is a three month window. We cannot have a Division continue now without official leadership for any longer than that."

"I understand. Thank you." Ichigo bowed formally and stepped back into his place. Outwardly he was calm, but Renji could read Ichigo even better than he could his former captain, and he didn't need to feel the tension in their infinitesimal spiritual link to recognize the signs of an imminent explosion.

"That is all for today. Dismissed." The captains filed out of the room. Renji walked out with Ichigo silently at his side.

§

Ichigo sat on the couch, staring blankly at the wall. He'd held it together until they reached the safety and privacy of their quarters, and then his mind started spinning in circles.

They want me to stay?

"Shuuhei an' Kira didn't know." Renji clearly had no clue what to say. "Kuchiki-taichou… I think he's one a' the ones who recommended ya."

They want me to stay!

"Huh." Ichigo thought he should be surprised by that, but somehow he wasn't.

My family…

Renji's arm behind his stiff back was tentative, and he appreciated the gesture somewhere in the back of his mind. They sat without speaking for a long time.

My Division… Renji…

The conflicting emotions Ichigo felt swirling in his lover's energy matched his own.

What the hell am I supposed to do?! How do I choose?!

"What do you think I should do?" Ichigo regretted the question as soon as it left his lips, but he couldn't stop himself. He needed to know.

"It ain't about me," Renji began hesitantly.

"Like hell it ain't!" Ichigo scowled. "This's got a lot to do with you. If I stay, our life here together becomes permanent. If I go…" he swallowed heavily, "…if I go, we go back to how it was last year. Only a lot harder, and I…" he choked on the guilt rising in him.

"I… I don't want ya t' think 'bout that. Least not right now… other things're more important." Ichigo heard the strain in his lover's voice, and felt the barely-contained flare of reiatsu.

Ichigo leaned into the arm supporting him and nodded against his lover's shoulder. "I know, but—" he struggled to get the words out, but they refused to leave his throat.

"No buts," Renji told him gently. "That don't matter."

Ichigo gritted his teeth. "I don't wanna leave anyone behind…" The dam burst; Ichigo hadn't felt this lost in years. "Not my family, not my life… my whole damn life." His knuckles went white as he clutched his knees. "But how can I turn my back on this? I'm needed here – that's what I said when I dropped everythin' to come back. I don't wanna leave things unfinished, don't wanna leave my Division to fight without me… don't wanna leave my life here, or you." The guilt swelled again as tried to reconcile the pieces of his heart and soul.

Renji pried Ichigo's fingers open, removing the crumpled material and offering his hand instead. Ichigo squeezed it gratefully.

"It don't matter how long ya stay. None a' that changes how we feel. I got ya with me right here," he touched his heart, "an' that's forever, so don't ya go thinkin' 'bout that." Renji had never sounded more desperate or more sincere, and it tore at Ichigo's heart. "We got forever, an' it don't matter when forever starts. I need ya t' understand that." The dark eyes never wavered as they stared intently into his.

"I do, I do." He really did understand that, and part of him felt more guilty for even asking in the first place, but this was too big of a decision for him to make without discussing it with the most important person in his life. It was irrational and stupid, but a little voice in the back of his mind wanted to hear something less mature and reasonable from his lover. I want you to want me to stay! He immediately banished the shameful thought, but not before a trickle of the rejection he was feeling filtered down through their link. "I didn't mean that, Renji…" he said anxiously.

Renji swore softly. "I know, I know." He took a deep breath. "I want… this can't be 'bout what I want, it's gotta be 'bout what you want." The tremor in Renji's voice sent a shaft of anguish through him. "I don't want ya t' give up your whole life. An' at the same time…" Renji struggled for a moment, then sighed. "I do want ya t' stay here with me," he whispered. "That's what I want, but I can't have both, so I just want ya t' be sure, either way. Don't want ya t' ever wonder if ya made the right choice."

Ichigo clutched his lover's hand more tightly; Renji squeezed back reassuringly. They sat in silence for a moment while Ichigo collected his scattered thoughts. "It's just… so many people are counting on me, and I can't be there for them all." Ichigo was suddenly annoyed at the thought of being pulled in so many directions at once.

He'd never minded people needing him before, but the one person he needed to need him wasn't letting that be an excuse. The guilt and confusion gave way to resentment and a growing urgency to make it all just go away. "This's a helluva thing to spring on a guy without warning," he growled.

"Don't let the bastards push ya into a corner." Renji's matching frustration was evident in his tone and the energy that resonated between them. "Sleep on it for now," he suggested. "You'll know better what t' do in the mornin'."

"Probably. I don't think I can sleep yet, though." The panicked need to feel something other than frustration and confusion was powerful, and the distressed feedback he was getting from Renji just made it stronger. I need you to need me, too, dammit! Ichigo tugged at Renji's robes. "Maybe you can help me with that." I can't feel like this on my own! The absurd thought refused to go away.

"I think I can do that." Calloused hands cupped the back of his neck, pulling him close. Renji's eyes reflected the hurt and frustration Ichigo felt boiling inside him.

Why don't you ask me to stay? His mind shrieked even as he slid his fingers over his lover's heated skin. The mouth on his neck knew all the right tricks, and his body responded to the familiar contact. Turbulent emotions flooded their combined energies, fuelling the urgent need, but for the first time the warmth and affection was missing as they grabbed for each other.

Tell me what you want me to do! Ichigo thought desperately, the feelings bubbling up inside him and echoing back at him from Renji. His head spun from the spiritual feedback, and he tightened his grip on his lover's robes to steady himself.

His frustration grew stronger at the surge of unhappiness rising in their reiatsu. Don't feel that way, not about me! He pressed closer, trying to erase their sadness with a kiss. Renji still mirrored Ichigo's own hurt and confusion, and a small sob was muffled against Ichigo's lips.

Make it stop! The ache in his heart was joined by a stabbing pain in his head as anger lanced through their stormy reiatsu like acid, and they cried out together in agony.

It was the pain and anger that shocked Ichigo back to himself; he felt Renji recoil at the same time, and they drew apart in anguish, appalled that they'd hurt each other. Anger was swept away by a wave of shared shame and remorse.

"This…" Ichigo grimaced; he felt ill. "This is…"

"…a bad idea." Renji agreed, looking equally disturbed.

"I can't believe I…" Ichigo swallowed heavily. "I am so sorry."

"Takes two," Renji whispered hoarsely. "Just as much my fault."

Ichigo extended a shaking hand, and was relieved when Renji clasped it unhesitatingly. "I just want to forget that I hafta deal with this," he sighed and dropped his head into his other hand. "But that's not an option, is it?"

"Well, no, but maybe ya can put it aside for just a li'l while," Renji suggested. "I know ya ain't eaten yet, an' that can't be helpin'." He tugged Ichigo's hand away from his face and pulled him into the kitchen.

Renji dished out leftovers randomly, pushing a heaping plate into Ichigo's hands before settling at the table. Ichigo picked half-heartedly at his food, struggling to swallow each bite.

"Ya know," Renji began thoughtfully, "ya might wanna talk t' your old man 'bout this."

Ichigo started. He hadn't even thought of that. Isshin had faced a similar decision, giving up one life to take on another. The reasons were different but the end result was the same.

"I… that's a good idea." Another thought occurred to Ichigo then, one that calmed him immensely. "There's no rush…"

"That's right! Yamamoto said ya got a few months t' decide," Renji sounded as relieved as Ichigo felt.

"As long as I don't take all year t' make up my mind…"

"Ya don't need t' make a choice tonight," Renji finished for him. "Or tomorrow, or the next day. They want ya for the job, so they're gonna want ya t' be sure." His eyes narrowed shrewdly. "Seems t' me ya got the upper hand in this situation, Ichigo, so I think ya should use it."

Ichigo hadn't thought of it quite that way, but he realized that Renji had hit the exact point they needed to remember. "I've got the upper hand," he repeated, "but I still don't know what to do with it." Ichigo snorted and resumed picking at his food.

Something soft hit Ichigo right on the cheek. Startled, he looked up only to see Renji's head bowed innocently over his plate.

"What…?" He picked the remains of a rice ball out of his lap. The twitch of Renji's shoulders gave him away completely.

Ichigo put down his utensils and calmly wiped his cheek. Then he stood, and picked up a handful of his unwanted dinner while very deliberately tipping over a glass of water, sending it splashing toward the shinigami.

"Hey!" Renji stood quickly to avoid the spill. He looked up, opening his mouth to protest, and…

…Ichigo nailed him square in the face.

"Oh, ya did not just—" Renji grabbed his plate and spun away as Ichigo reached for another handful.

He forgot everything as his world narrowed to dodging and aiming. For a few minutes, he didn't have to actually feel anything.

Ichigo ran out of food to fling; he looked around hastily, but Renji's laughter stopped him. The shinigami was covered in the remains of their dinner, but he was smiling as he pulled the tie out of his hair, shaking it out and raining rice down onto the floor.

The ridiculousness of the situation seeped into Ichigo's brain, and he couldn't help joining in with a weak chuckle of his own.

"That was so childish." Ichigo looked for a clean spot on his uniform to wipe his hands.

"Yup."

Ichigo snorted, amused despite the gravity of his situation. "Idiot."

"S'good for ya."

"Yeah," he laughed. "You're still a bastard, though."

Ichigo swept the food off the floor while Renji fetched a handful of towels to mop up the mess on the walls. They cleaned up the worst of it, then called it good enough for now and sank tiredly onto the couch.

They talked through as many of Ichigo's options as they could think of, but in the end Ichigo was still sitting with a decision that he had to make alone. Ichigo didn't notice that he'd started repeating himself until he asked Renji for the third time who he thought would be chosen to lead the 3rd Division if he didn't take the captain's seat.

Renji gave him a sympathetic look. "Should probably try t' sleep now," he suggested. "Not gonna resolve this in one night, an' ya got a lot a' people t' talk with still."

"I still don't think I can sleep," Ichigo said ruefully. "My head's too full of ifs and whys and hows."

"Well…" Renji ran a tentative hand down his back. "Maybe we really can do somethin' 'bout that now?"

"You sure about that?" Ichigo did not want to go down that road again.

"Not angry anymore, are ya?" Ichigo shook his head. "Me either. And…" Renji leaned in close, his breath in Ichigo's ear making him shiver. "You put this damn rice in my hair, now ya gotta help me get it out." He jumped up – he really was still raining rice – and started shedding his clothes as he headed for the bath.

"I am not givin' you a bath!" Ichigo yelled after him. "You started it, wash your own damn hair!"

"Fine, fine." Renji's reply drifted back. "It'll just take me that much longer t' get cleaned up, an' you'll have t' wait…"

He fights dirty. Ichigo shook his head and smiled as he peeled off his own clothes.

§

This's unbelievable. Renji was wide awake only a few hours later, unable to sleep again. He wanted to pace around the room but didn't want to wake the sleeping Ichigo. He settled for wrapping himself in a light robe and sitting on the couch, tapping his fingers together nervously as the thoughts raced around his mind.

I dunno what t' think.

He's gotta know it won't change anythin' either way. But I can't be involved in this decision. It ain't fair t' him or me.

Renji sighed quietly. I love him, with everythin' I got. I want him t' be happy. I want us both t' be happy. But I dunno how t' make that happen.

I want him t' have a full life, the one he was meant t' have.

I want him t' be with me forever.

I want… I dunno what I want, all I know's I don't want him t' have any regrets 'bout whatever he decides. I want t' make it so there's never, ever a single doubt that it don't make a difference t' my feelin's if forever starts today or tomorrow or a hundred years from now.

This's permanent, I know he knows that. He didn't hafta prove it but he did it anyway. Renji smiled. Been wantin' t' do somethin' 'bout that, too, and now's the perfect time.

Renji thought for several long minutes before he ceased his fidgeting. He went to the desk and quickly sketched something before returning to the couch.

He took a deep breath. "Oi, Zabimaru."

:Took ya long enough.: The white form blurred into existence.

"Don't be a jackass 'bout it. Whaddaya think?"

:Why're you askin' me?:

"'Cause for some stupid reason I value your opinion."

:It's not my opinion you need – you already know how I feel 'bout it. Or you should, anyway.:

Renji folded his arms. "Ok then, 'cause I dunno how t' ask Zangetsu myself!"

:Ya really are slow sometimes, arentcha?: The snaky tail whipped around in a laughing circle.

"Yeah, yeah, so I'm slow sometimes. What's that say 'bout you?"

::It says he's well-matched to you, I think.:: A tall, imposing figure materialized in the room, his dark coat fluttering in an unfelt breeze.

Renji stood. "Zangetsu," he bowed politely. He'd seen this manifestation before, but they'd never really interacted.

::Renji.::

"I dunno how much Zabimaru's told ya, but," he swallowed nervously, "I know Ichigo had a.. a conversation with ya both a while back. 'Bout these," he pointed at the tattoos on his chest, visible through the loose folds of his robe. "'Bout what they mean, an' what it means t' share 'em."

::Yes. Partners should share important symbols. Just as you and Zabimaru share those markings as a symbol of your bond.::

"Yeah, I think so, too. An' I wanna return the gesture, ya know? It's important t' me t' have somethin' that reflects that. Just as important as these." Again he pointed to the intricate designs on his body.

::An appropriate sentiment.::

"But you an' Ichigo, you're not marked in the same way," Renji continued. "Well, ya got the same coat, but that ain't the kinda statement I'm goin' for here," he grinned.

:You'd look dumb in that coat,: Zabimaru put in with a wheezy sort of laugh.

"Shaddap, idiot," Renji muttered. "Tryin' t' talk with Zangetsu." He turned his attention back to the tall figure. "So I was wonderin' if ya'd mind…" he unfolded the piece of paper with his quick sketch on it.

:Not bad, not bad.: Zabimaru sounded impressed. :You're not totally hopeless, after all. Zangetsu?:

::You honour the bonds between us all,:: Zangetsu approved. He smiled faintly, then faded away.

"Well that was easier'n I expected," Renji let out a relieved breath. "'Preciate your help."

:No big deal. Oh, and in case you really need it spelled out… I like it. He's good for you – ya make a good team.:

"Thanks, Zabimaru." He dropped their usual banter, trying to convey the depth of his gratitude for his fighting partner's support.

:You're welcome.: The nue vanished.

Renji smiled. He hid the sketch in a stack of 5th Division files on his desk before dropping his robe and crawling back into bed beside Ichigo. He fell asleep easily, with a solid plan in his mind ready for the morning.

§

Omake
Chapter 14 omake

Akuni: (quietly) Sorry guys. Never wanted to see you that upset, but this is such a big deal, it's got to be overwhelming.

Ichigo: Oh it's overwhelming all right.

Renji: Ya did what had t' be done, an' then ya moved past it. I think I still got rice in my hair…

Akuni: (laughs a little)

Renji: Cheer up, ok? S'only one scene, and it don't change a thing. We still love each other, an' we're never gonna lose that.

Ichigo: No matter what, that won't ever change. And we'll never hurt each other on purpose – doin' it by accident was awful enough. (puts his arm around Renji)

Akuni: (smiling again) Thanks. I do know that, I just sometimes get caught up.

Renji: That's ok, you're entitled.

Ichigo; Yep. If you need to, just remember that I love this guy enough to let him throw food down my shirt. (grins)

Renji: C'mon, I still have rice in my hair! That's love! (smirks)

Ichigo: You started it!

Renji: I couldn't help it, ya just sat there all sad, broke my heart, I had t' do somethin'.

Akuni: Uh, guys…

Ichigo: Somethin' like chucking a rice ball at my head? (extends reiatsu)

Renji: Well it was—gah that tickles, don't do that!—the rice or the soup! Ahh! (squirms and laughs) Ichi, quit it!

Ichigo/Renji: (wrestling on the couch)

Akuni: I get it, you're happy, you're in love. You don't have to go overboard.

Ichigo: Oh are you still—ahaha Renji, not there!

Renji: (chuckles)

Akuni: Oook, I think I'm done here. (giggles)

-elsewhere-

Zangetsu: We're certainly getting a lot more screen time in this story.

Zabimaru: Still not enough! All that stuff about 'fighting partners' and we hardly get to play at all. I only got to come out in bankai twice, and once was just practice.

Zangetsu: But you did fairly well in that scene, as I recall.

Zabimaru: Che… you're just sayin' that to make me feel better. It's a lot more work for me – I need a fight to really shine! All you hafta do is stand there and look imposing.

Zangetsu: I've been meaning to speak with you about that. (delicately) Have you ever considered an image change?

Zabimaru: Eh? What about my image?

Zangetsu: That whole 'fur cape and giant bone snake' thing is a little… rough around the edges.

Zabimaru: 'Rough around the edges'? Least I don't shrink away to nothin'!

Zangetsu: (ignores the jab) The tattoos are more than enough of a statement. Perhaps a more elegant, refined bankai would help, like ours.

Zabimaru: Refined? Hi, I don't believe we've met – I'm Zabimaru, I hang out with Abarai Renji. Yanno, former street rat, 'rough around the edges', friends with Houzukimaru's crude buddy.And don't ya dare start on the tattoos… or do I hafta remind you how much your elegant, refined Ichigo—

Zangetsu: All right! Point taken!

Zabimaru: I think we look damn good.

Zangetsu: I give up. (shakes head)