I do not own any of the characters from The Phantom of the Opera, although I do rather enjoy borrowing them from time to time. I also have no claim on Queer Eye For The Straight Guy; I certainly hope that all will take this parody with the humor in which it was intended.

A/N Here we are again, back to the Nerdy Erik you all seem to love so much. Just one short note before we continue. Thank you to all of you who emailed me wanting me to once again bring this story back, I was very flattered that some of you were so passionate about wanting to read my version. As you know, MJ has taken over for me from chapter seven and is posting it under her penname MJ MOD with the new title of The Science of Love-Rewritten. She continues to have my permission and full support to continue with her version of this story. While we have discussed plotlines, I believe that our stories will ultimately be very different in the end. There maybe some similarities as I have discussed my original premise with her early on and I believe that she will be using some of my ideas as well as incorporating some of her own, and again let me say that she has my permission to do so. I only ask one thing from you dear readers, in your reviews if you would please refrain from comparing the two individual stories, MJ and I both are working very hard to please our individual audiences and as some of you will be reading both stories, I don't want to have hurt feelings on either side. So now that all of that is out of the way, let's get back to our beloved nerd.

A/N 2 Hey I hope everyone had a great Christmas! I am going to begin a diet on New Years (Jan 2 actually, my mom makes an incredible pork roast for New Years that I just have to have), I need to lose about twenty pounds. I thought we could start a POTO Fan Fiction Weight Loss Challenge. It would be helpful to me to have some support and as I count each and everyone of you as a dear friend I thought we could support each other by tracking our successes and to also share advice and recipes, plus I am more likely to stay on plan if I have to post my result each week. I will be doing the You on a Diet plan by Dr. Oz but hey any plan is great as long as it works for you. So here is how I see this working; in your reviews, please post your weight loss for the week as well as any helpful advice or recipes you would like to share with us. If anyone has any ideas to help us succeed, please email me. I am all about making this a team effort.

Author – ToryD

Beta – Terpsichore314 (Thank you! Have a great time in NH!)

The Science of Love

Chapter 7

Nadir waved and pasted a smile on his dark face just before he closed the door on the last of the financiers leaving the mansion. Turning on his heel, he angrily stalked towards the kitchen in search of his wayward boss. Erik had left him hanging with the Rochester group for the last two hours, and now it was payback time. Pushing open the door, he stopped dead in his tracks at the unbelievable sight that met his astonished eyes.

Erik's cheeks began to redden as Nadir stood frozen in shocked silence staring unblinkingly at him.

Shaking his head as if to clear his confused thoughts, Nadir once again took in the implausible sight before him. "What in hell are you doing?" he asked with a careful enunciation on each syllable.

Erik quickly dropped the peach that he had been practicing kissing onto the table. "Nothing," Erik said sullenly as he looked down towards the floor in an effort to hide his embarrassment.

Hearing strange sounds coming from the television, Nadir turned and saw that Erik was watching a daytime soap opera. "What in hell are you watching?" he asked in much the same way of his previous question.

"NOTHING!" Erik bellowed, and reached for the remote to quickly shut off the image of the couple engaged in a passionate lovemaking scene.

Nadir looked from the red-faced Erik to the now silent TV and back to Erik once again as a metaphorical light bulb seemed to light over his head. "Oh," he said gleefully as a smug smile spread across his features, "you were practicing kissing."

"Shut up Nadir," Erik said in a slightly warning tone.

Not at all put off by Erik's angry glare, Nadir continued with his questioning. "So this is how you spent your time while I was fielding questions from the financers. You thought that kissing practice took priority over creating a cost-efficient fuel for the masses."

"You don't know what you're talking about," Erik responded with a glare.

Pursing his lips, Nadir mentally replayed the scene that met him a short moment ago. "Well then, if you weren't practicing kissing, what were you doing with that peach?" he asked with an expectant expression.

Erik stiffened at Nadir's knowing smirk. "So what if I was?" Erik responded defiantly. "It's my house; I can practice kissing in it if I want!"

Deciding that the ideal payback had just fallen in his lap, Nadir slowly approached his irate boss. "Sure you can; if that is how you want to spend your time, far be it from me to stop you," Nadir said in a placating tone as he crossed to the refrigerator to help himself to a beer.

Erik scowled at his friend with his arms crossed over his chest.

Nadir slid into the chair across from Erik as he took a long swallow from his beer. "So how was it?" he asked with a deadpan expression.

Erik fell easily into the trap. "How was what?" he asked, a slight frown marring his brow.

"The kiss?" Nadir asked innocently, congratulating himself for his wit. "From the looks of your chin, it must have been quite juicy."

Erik's eyes had a steely glint as he regarded the barely held amusement in Nadir's features. Picking up a napkin from the center of the table, he proceeded to wipe the telling evidence from his chin. "Did you get the financing?" he questioned sharply in an attempt to steer the conversation away from his budding kissing technique.

"Of course, with no help from you. I had to spend the last two hours trying to make sense of the scientific garbage you fed them," Nadir imparted with a look of disapproval.

Smiling in satisfaction, Erik was pleased that Nadir had been put on the spot by the bothersome Rochester Group. "So they are on board for phase two," he said more to himself as he envisioned the next set of experiments needed to prove his theory.

Nadir watched the old Erik return as he silently withdrew into his genius mind to plan his next move on their project. "They will have the funding to us by the end of next week," he said absently as he took another long drink of his beer. "I could use a steak tonight; do you want to go to Damon's?" he asked knowing that Erik always celebrated a new testing phase by a night at his favorite restaurant.

Shifting uncomfortably in his chair, Erik refused his friend's invitation. "No, I can't. I have a date." The last sentence was more of a mumble under his breath than anything.

"Sorry?" Nadir questioned, as he did not quite catch what his boss had just said.

Erik knew that he would have no peace until he told Nadir everything. "I said I have a date," he said in a slightly irritated tone. "With Christine," he added with a smug look of triumph evident in his green eyes.

"Well you have certainly been busy," Nadir said with a nod of approval and took another swallow only to spit the mouthful of beer out in a spray of amber liquid. "Wait a minute!" he cried out like an excited child on Christmas morning. "That's why you were tonguing that peach! You were practicing for tonight, for when you kiss Christine," he accused with the light of merriment dancing across his face.

"I was not 'tonguing that peach' as you so crudely put it," Erik replied as he used his napkin to wipe off the tiny droplets of Nadir's beer from his face and sweater. "I was attempting to achieve some level of expertise in the art of kissing. I don't want to disappoint Christine on our date," Erik said with a defiant tone that dared Nadir to make further comment.

Knowing that he was dancing with danger, Nadir decided to retreat from his teasing for the moment. "So where are you taking her?" he asked in a conciliatory manner.

Erik eyed his friend wearily as he tried to judge the whether Nadir was setting him up for yet another jest. "Marie gave me tickets to the Nutcracker."

"That sounds like a good first date. You won't have to talk too much during the performance," Nadir said as he knew from the last few days how tongue-tied Erik was when he came into contact with Christine. "So, any other plans for the evening?"

Frowning, Erik wondered what Nadir meant. "What do you mean?"

"Are you going to be taking her to dinner, or maybe treat her to a horse-drawn carriage ride through the city?" Nadir questioned, in hopes that he would spark an idea in Erik's brilliant brain.

"Do you think that she would like to go to dinner after the ballet?" he asked with a look of bewilderment.

"Yes, I think that she would enjoy that," Nadir said promptingly.

"Where should I take her?" he asked helplessly as sweat began to break out across his forehead.

Nadir knew that poor Erik was out of his element. "You could take her to Damon's. Since you are familiar with their fare you should be comfortable there," his suggestion a subtle hint, since he knew that the restaurant was always especially sensitive to Erik's special requests.

A feeling of panic began to fill him as he pictured himself with Christine all alone for several hours. Groaning, he dropped his head in his hands. "Why did I let Marie talk me into this?"

With a raised eyebrow, Nadir watched his friend begin to fall apart. "Okay Erik, it's time for you to get a crash course in dating," he said as he took off his jacket with an intent look.

Erik straightened up in his chair with a look akin to hope shining in his eyes.

"Rule number one," Nadir began as Erik looked eagerly on. "Never let her know that you're nervous. You are the man, and as the man, you must always project an aura of confidence and security. Women are naturally the weaker sex, so they have an ingrained need to feel protected, and as the man, that is your job," Nadir informed his pupil with an aura of superiority.

Nodding Erik made a mental note of Nadir's pearl of wisdom.

"Rule number two is to never, ever say anything derogatory about how she looks," Nadir said, his knowing look revealing his experience of breaking the rule. "If she asks if she looks fat, the answer is always," Nadir looked Erik dead in the eye, "I mean this Erik," his tone making Erik edgy with anticipation, "the answer is always a quick unequivocal no."

Bewildered, Erik interrupted Nadir's instructions. "But Christine isn't fat, why on earth would she ever ask such a question?"

Shaking his head at his friend's naiveté, Nadir tried to convey the complexities of the female mind. "Erik, all women, including Christine, will feel the need for some validation. So when they are feeling particularly down about themselves they often fish for compliments, so if Christine or any other woman asks if she looks fat in her outfit your answer always is…?" Nadir questioned quizzically.

"No," Erik responded obediently.

"Correct," Nadir said with a nod of approval. "Now rule three: never disrespect her friends or family. While she may need an occasion to vent, remember anything you say derogatory may be held against you at a future date."

Merely nodding his head in acknowledgement that he had heard his friend's instruction, Erik's mind found it difficult to ever conceive of an instance where he would need this piece of advice, for he couldn't see where Christine would be the type to complain about anyone.

"Rule number four and this one can be traced back to rule number one," Nadir said as he assumed a thoughtful expression, "if you ever find yourself lost never, let me repeat that, never ask for directions. No matter how lost you are, remember that you are the man and as the man, you must always project the aura of complete control. It is vital that the woman feels safe while she is in your company. "

Erik nodded his head in agreement for this gem appeared to hold an undeniable truth.

"Rule number five: beware of the question, 'what are you thinking?'" Nadir said with a deep sigh. "We men have been falling into this vicious trap from the beginning of time. So when you are faced with this question you must always respond that you were thinking how lucky you are to have the company of the most special woman on the face of the earth."

"Wait, I don't see why a truthful answer wouldn't be the best course. Why shouldn't I just answer that I was thinking of a work-related experiment?" Erik asked with a frown of confusion.

"Erik, Erik, Erik," Nadir said with a heavy sigh as he shook his head. "When you are with a woman, the only thing you can be thinking of is her," he said as if he was addressing a classroom of first graders.

"But…" Erik began only to be stalled by Nadir's outstretched palm.

"No buts Erik, just trust me on this; when you are with a woman, even if it is just watching TV, the only thing on your mind is her, got it?" he questioned with a slightly raised eyebrow.

Shrugging his shoulders, Erik nodded his agreement even though he thought this particular rule was logically erroneous.

"Now, moving on to etiquette. You should open all doors, this means car and buildings. She is always to precede you. You may need on occasion to guide her, this can be accomplished by a gentle hand at the small of her back or you may choose to lightly grasp her elbow."

"I don't understand," Erik said in confusion.

"Stand up," Nadir ordered as he too stood. "Now, let's say you are the woman," he said as he approached his boss. "We have just entered the theater and you are directing Christine to your seats. By placing your hand lightly at her back," Nadir said as he demonstrated, using his own hand on Erik's back. "You can guide her with just a slight pressure."

Erik proceeded to walk around the kitchen island as Nadir 'guided' him back to the table. "Wow, that was amazing," Erik, said with a pleased expression as he resumed his seat.

"Never belch or fart in her presence," Nadir said crudely. "Always pay for everything, and never complain when they order a full meal only to eat a few bites," he said with a note of experience in his voice. "Let her steer the direction of the conversation."

A small shiver of fear raced up Erik's spine as he envisioned a long conversation with Christine. "Nadir, I don't think I can do this, what do I say to her?" he asked as he began to tap his forehead nervously.

Frowning in concern, Nadir watched as Erik began to revert to his nervous tapping. "Erik, remember rule number one, you are the man, and men do not let on that they are nervous," he said with firm resolve.

Swallowing hard past the lump in this throat, Erik tried unsuccessfully to hide his apprehension.

"Okay!" Nadir said with a slightly frustrated sigh. "Let's go over the entire date from the beginning so you can have a plan for the evening."

With a grateful smile, Erik felt as if a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders. With Nadir's expert guidance he felt certain that he would be successful in becoming the man that Christine deserved.

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A/N Next chapter…the big date. I wonder what other pearls of wisdom the very suave Nadir imparted to our little nerd. Should prove very interesting! Thanks for reading!