Outtake #24:
(Hector and Paris are fighting after the "duel" with Menelaus.)
Hector: You say you're willing to die for love, but you know nothing about dying and you know nothing about love!
(Pause, as Paris' lower lip quivers.)
Hector: Don't give me that look, Paris, I won't have—
(Paris breaks down crying. Hector pinches the bridge of his nose.)
Hector: Great.
Paris: (sobbing) That hurt me, Hector—it hurt me more that I can say. You're my brother and I love you, and I just got my ass kicked, and you're yelling at me, and all because I found a woman who loves me! And I love her! And I have a divine mandate from the goddess Aphrodite to have Helen as my own! Doesn't that mean anything to you?
(Paris covers his face and continues sobbing.)
Hector: (sarcastic) Wonderful. You took a Greek woman home, and now she's made a woman out of you.
Outtake #25:
Achilles: Before my time is done, I will look down on your corpse and smile. And then tie you to my chariot, and drag your rotting carcass around the walls of your precious home. And then, as a denouement, piss all over you.
Outtake #26:
Achilles: You're still my enemy in the morning.
Priam: You're still my enemy tonight. But even enemies can show respect.
Achilles: (turned on) For the love of the gods, Priam, take me now!
Outtake #27:
(Paris is in Helen's bedroom, reaching into his pocket.)
Paris: Pearls from the sea of Propontus.
(Helen closes her eyes and opens her mouth wide, expectantly.)
Paris: (confused) What are you doing?
Helen: (seductively) Awaiting your pearls, my love…
(Helen opens her mouth wide again. Paris looks at her askance, looks down at the string of pearls in his hand, and then looks back at her.)
Paris: How can you see them with your eyes closed?
(Helen opens one eye. Paris dangles the pearls so she can see them.)
Helen: Oh! Pearls! Real pearls. Of course!
(Helen demurely takes the pearls and gazes at them.)
Helen: They're so beautiful—thank you—oh, but I could never wear them. Menelaus would kill us both. Or beat us bloody, if we're lucky. That means he loves us, if he beats us, and then we can stay home, away from other people. It's wonderful…
Paris: (slightly worried) Don't be afraid of him.
Helen: I'm not afraid of dying, Paris, I'm afraid of the pain. I could never really handle the pain—not as well as other women, at any rate. The pain of my mother's death, the pain of first sex, the pain of my father's death, the pain of childbirth, the pain of childrearing, the pain of my husband's love, the pain of hiding my stretch marks—all kinds of pain.
(Paris looks away from Helen, wondering if he's been given a little too much information.)
Paris: (slightly disgusted) Oh dear…
Helen: Also, in addition to the pain, I'm afraid of tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. I'm afraid of watching you sail away tomorrow and knowing you'll never come back. Your love is different—you don't have to hit me, unless I ask for it—and, in all honesty, I actually like it when you hit me.
Paris: (slightly embarrassed) Oh, it was nothing—let's not talk about that.
Helen: Before you came to Sparta, I was a ghost. I walked and I ate and I swam in the sea... I dressed and I danced and I slept with my husband and I played with my daughter…
(Helen turns away from Paris and becomes lost in her reverie.)
Helen: But I was never really attached to any of it—I was actually resentful of them, sometimes. I almost hated them.
Paris: (slightly shocked) Hated them?
Helen: Yes, my husband and my daughter. I sometimes thought about slitting Menelaus's throat as he slept, and abandoning Hermione in the woods so that she would die of exposure. (Paris' eyes go wide with horror; Helen does not notice this and continues) Yes, I almost hated them. And not even for anything they were in control of—just for being there. Being always there. And not…somewhere else… They were so awful and grasping, sometimes, and the suffering they gave me was so painful and intense—almost like being chained to a wall, while standing on hot coals and menstruating so hard that you think your womb is just going to explode… And yet, my husband and my daughter were so important, I was not allowed to leave. I could not make myself leave, because they needed me—and they still need me—for what reason I still do not understand, or even care about. I was just a ghost, repeating my actions over and over, each and every day, but not caring for the best and secretly hoping for the worst.
Paris: (very scared) Oh my…
Helen: So, yes, darling, I fear tomorrow very greatly—for when I lose you, I will lose not only the best man I have ever had in bed, but I will also lose all hope of decency and goodness… and I will probably find myself forced to do something most rash.
Paris: (stammering in fright) Y-y-you…you…
(Helen snaps out of her reverie, and looks to Paris, grinning—as if she had never said any of the horrible things about her family.)
Helen: (sweetly) What is it, my love?
Paris: You don't have to fear tomorrow...
Helen: (confused) What?
Paris: You do not have to fear what has not yet come. You do not have to fear your pains, or your husband, or… what you might do if left to your own devices.
Helen: How can I possibly avoid it?
(She gives him bedroom eyes. He tries to think of possible alternatives for her.)
Paris: Well, you could, er… you… you could… possibly…
Helen: I could possibly…what?
Paris: (blurting out the first thing that comes to his mind) Come with me!
(Helen tilts her head; Paris can hardly believe he just said that.)
Helen: Come with you? Where?
Paris: Somewhere. Anywhere. Away from here.
Helen: (laughing and feigning embarrassment) Don't play with me—don't play.
(Helen covers her mouth, but looks at him expectantly. Paris thinks about how to best explain his offer.)
Paris: (clarifying) If you come, we'll never be safe. Men will hunt us, the gods will curse us, we may not be able to hide forever, but I will love you. And not the kind of love that requires bruising your sweet face on a regular basis—
Helen: —Unless I want it?
Paris: Whatever you wish, but my point remains. Until the day they burn my body, I will love you.
(Helen is about to kiss him, before stopping.)
Helen: Wait—why would I go with you, if we'll never be safe?
Paris: I mean we'll never be completely safe. There will always be an aspect of danger regarding our love. But I just got back into my father's good graces—perhaps he can help us.
Helen: How can your father save us from the forces of Sparta?
Paris: He is king of the Trojans—I'm certain he can offer us some protection.
Helen: Why does that sound vaguely dirty?
Paris: Helen?
Helen: Yes?
Paris: Get your cloak.
Helen: Getting my cloak.
Outtake #28:
Achilles: Go home, prince. Drink some wine, make love to your wife… Tomorrow, we'll have our war.
Hector: You speak of war as if it's a game. But how many wives wait at Troy's gates for husbands they'll never see again?
Achilles: Perhaps your brother can comfort them. I hear he's good at charming other men's wives.
(Pause. Hector bursts out laughing, sheathes his sword and applauds.)
Hector: Oh, that was good. That was brilliant. And so true! (to a Trojan soldier) Isn't that the funniest thing you've ever heard? He may be a Greek savage, but that was genius. (to Achilles) You win, man. I got nothing. You totally got me. "Charming other men's wives." That was good—I will let you have that victory. (to the soldiers) Come on, guys, let's go back to base—I have got to send word to my father. He will absolutely get a kick out of that…
Outtake #29:
(Achilles has slaughtered several Trojan soldiers.)
Achilles: (yelling) Is there no one else? Is there no one else?
(A Trojan soldier whistles from afar.)
Soldier #1: Yoo-hoo! Over here! Remember me, dumbass?
Achilles: (snarling) Prepare to die, Sugartits!
Outtake #30:
(Paris has followed Helen to her bedroom. She is fixing her hair, or trying to look like it, as he enters and closes the door behind him.)
Helen: You should not have come here tonight.
Paris: That's what you said last night.
Helen: Last night was a mistake.
Paris: And the night before?
Helen: I have made many mistakes this week.
Paris: (confused) But I've only been here three days—
(Helen turns around on her stool and glares at him.)
Helen: —Shut up and strip.
Paris: All right.
Outtake #31:
Achilles: You gave me peace in a lifetime of war.
Patroclus: Just doing my job. Now you do yours, and get back to fucking me.
Outtake #32:
(Achilles has been asked why he will not fight Hector.)
Achilles: It's too early in the day to be killing princes.
Hector: It's too early in the day for drinking sacrificial wine—but you did it anyway.
Outtake #32:
Briseis: You lost your cousin, and now you have taken mine. Where does it end?
Achilles: It never ends.
Briseis: I hate you.
Achilles: The feeling's mutual.
Outtake #33:
(Achilles is giving a rallying speech to his personal legions.)
Achilles: Myrmidons! My brothers of the sword! I would rather fight beside you than any army of thousands! Let no man forget how menacing we are—we are lions! Do you know what's waiting beyond that beach? Immortality! Take it! It's yours!
(The Myrmidons cheer uproariously.)
Achilles: And remember, above all else, protect Patroclus! He gives good head! He gives better sexual pleasure than any woman in Greece! And he will personally suck off every one of you who keeps him safe!
(The Myrmidons cheer even louder. Patroclus, mouth agape, glares at Achilles, who comes down off his perch.)
Patroclus: (shocked) What the hell are you doing?
Achilles: Guaranteeing you protection.
Patroclus: Are you crazy? I can't possibly fellate all of your men!
Achilles: You won't. At the end of the day, a quarter of them will be dead and the rest will be too wounded or shell-shocked to even think about sex for weeks.
Patroclus: You're insane.
Achilles: And that's why you love me.
(Achilles kisses Patroclus on the cheek and winks.)
Patroclus: You owe me for this.
Achilles: I'm sure I'll be able to make it up to you.
Outtake #34:
Achilles: (to Hector) Get up, Prince of Troy! I won't let a stone rob me of my glory!
(Hector kicks Achilles in the balls.)
Hector: How about a foot in your stones?
Achilles: (pained) You…cruel…sonuva… ow…
Outtake #35:
Nestor: This will be the greatest war the world has ever seen. We need the greatest warrior. And, no, Agamemnon, it's not Chuck Norris.
Outtake #36:
Messenger Boy: (walks into Achilles' tent and sees him with two sleeping women) King Agamemnon has sent for you.
Achilles: Tell the king it can wait until morning
Messenger Boy: Umm... it is morning.
(Achilles raises himself slightly and spits up a little vomit on one of the women's legs. She groans drowsily, but does not move.)
Achilles: Damn… what did I—? (He looks around, and realizes what probably happened) Oh gods, he is going to be so angry…
Messenger Boy: The king?
Achilles: No, not the king. I couldn't care less about the king. Now, go away—I've got a headache.
Messenger Boy: Are you sure you don't want me to help—?
Achilles: —No, no. Don't touch me. I'm a bit ill right now.
(Achilles slowly stumbles onto his hands and knees, and tries to carefully crawl over the sleeping women.)
Messenger Boy: Are the stories true?
Achilles: That depends entirely on which stories you're referring to.
Messenger Boy: They say your mother was an immortal goddess. They say you can't be killed.
Achilles: I wouldn't be bothering with the shield then, would I?
(Achilles starts dressing himself.)
Messenger Boy: Your shield is legendary. I heard it was a gift from Hephaestus, the god of iron-work.
Achilles: If by "Hephaestus," you mean "some poor dead bastard whose corpse I looted," then yes. Yes, it was. You're a very observant young boy.
Messenger Boy: The Thessalonian you're fighting... he's the biggest man I've ever seen.
Achilles: Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm fighting a Thessalonian? From Thessaloniki?
Messenger Boy: No, from Thessaly.
Achilles: Oh, good. That's what I thought. Then I'm fighting a "Thessalian." You have got to stop slurring your words, boy—you had me worried for a moment, there.
Messenger Boy: I wouldn't want to fight him.
Achilles: That's why no one will remember your name.
Messenger Boy: You never asked for my name.
Achilles: And I do not intend to. You see those girls in there? Those girls have put me in enough trouble as it is, and I'm not looking for any more. Especially not from boys as little as yourself—come back when you're 14, then we'll talk.
Outtake #37:
Achilles: If you sailed any slower, the war would be over.
Odysseus: Oh damn—my brilliant plan didn't work.
Achilles: Yeah, like feigning madness would stop Agamemnon from enlisting you.
Odysseus: I did what I could. Which was marginally better than dressing up like a girl.
Achilles: Will you ever let that go?
Odysseus: Absolutely not. Penelope's told pretty much everyone she knows—which is pretty much everyone who has ever set foot in Ithaca.
Achilles: I'll get you for that, Odysseus.
Odysseus: You're so cute when you're angry.
Outtake #38:
Thetis: If you stay in Larissa, you will find peace. You will find a wonderful woman, and you will have sons and daughters, who will have children. And they'll all love you and remember your name. But when your children are dead, and their children after them, your name will be forgotten... If you go to Troy, glory will be yours—they will write stories about your victories in thousands of years. And the world will remember your name. But if you go to Troy, you will never come back—for your glory walks hand-in-hand with your doom. And I shall never see you again.
Achilles: I have to admit, mother, your sunny disposition is absolutely infectious.
Outtake #39:
Odysseus: This war will never be forgotten, nor will the heroes who fight in it.
Achilles: Easy for you to say—you're the one on Agamemnon's payroll.
Odysseus: (irritated) Who said he's paying me?
Achilles: He's blackmailing you? Oh, you poor bastard.
Outtake #40:
(Achilles is giving Patroclus sword-fighting lessons.)
Achilles: Never hesitate.
Patroclus: I won't hesitate, if you'll just commit and get on with it.
Achilles: Shut your mouth.
(They put their swords back in their belts and kiss each other passionately—only to stop when Achilles notices Odysseus watching them.)
Achilles: Can I help you?
Odysseus: No, no. You just…keep on…keeping on.
Outtake #41:
Agamemnon: The gods only protect the strong.
Achilles: Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad.
Agamemnon: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Achilles: It means you're weak, old and angry—so you must be cruising for a bruising.
Outtake #42:
Achilles: (to Briseis) You don't have to fear me, girl. You just have to let my friend here violate your ear canals.
Patroclus: You're terrible!
Achilles: She's my prize—I can do what I want with her.
Patroclus: You're disgusting.
Achilles: And that's why you love me.
Outtake #43:
Patroclus: Prince Hector—is he as good a warrior as they say?
Odysseus: The best of all the Trojans. Some would say (side long glance at Achilles) he's better than all the Greeks.
(Achilles snorts)
Odysseus: Even if the flaxen-haired one doesn't come, I hope you'll join us, Patroclus. We could use a strong arm like yours. And, in all honesty, your legs aren't too bad, either…
Achilles: If you're going to shore up support for Agamemnon's idiotic war, play your tricks on me, Odysseus. The boy's mine, so don't give him no lines and keep your hands to yourself.
Odysseus: You have your swords. I have my tricks. We play with the toys the gods give us.
Achilles: Like I said—you keep your toys to yourself.
Outtake #44:
Menelaus: I want her back.
Agamemnon: Well, of course you do. She's a beautiful woman.
Menelaus: I want her back so I can kill her with my own two hands!
Agamemnon: Now, now, brother—you're just saying that because you're angry. You are perfectly entitled to be angry. But you don't honestly mean that you want to kill your wife—don't be silly. You love Helen very much.
Menelaus: Yes, I do…
Agamemnon: You've gotten a beautiful daughter by her.
Menelaus: Good little Hermione…
Agamemnon: And it's all because of Helen that you became king of Sparta in the first place. Your marriage to her brought you immense wealth, access to large-scale military operations, and nigh-complete control over the country.
Menelaus: That is true…
Agamemnon: It's not your fault that your subjects will look negatively upon this.
Menelaus: No, it's not—what?
Agamemnon: (feigning surprise) Oh, you didn't hear?
Menelaus: Hear what?
Agamemnon: Oh, well…that this whole incident looks bad, politically.
Menelaus: "Looks bad" how?
Agamemnon: Well, being the blood-born queen of Sparta, you know that Helen is emblematic of the country itself, yes?
Menelaus: Yes, of course. Why does that matter?
Agamemnon: Well, brother, I hate to tell you this—really I do—but if Helen is Sparta, and Helen runs off with a younger man who is foreign and more virile than you…well, it makes you look like you can't control the country that you supposedly rule.
(Pause.)
Agamemnon: It makes you look like a pathetic king, brother.
(Pause.)
Menelaus: I'm going to kill that bitch. I'm going to kill her and that dog she ran off with. I'm going to kill them dead! Do you hear me? Dead, dead, dead! And I won't rest until I've burned Troy to the ground!
Agamemnon: (smirking mischievously) That's more like the brother I know…
Outtake #45:
Briseis: Why did you choose this life?
Achilles: What life?
Briseis: To be a great warrior.
Achilles: I chose nothing. I was born and this is what I am.
Briseis: So, does being a great warrior require that you also be a complete scumbag?
Achilles: Very funny, bitch. Now get back to cleaning my linens.
Outtake #46:
Achilles: Imagine a king who fights his own battles. Wouldn't that be a sight?
(He goes off to fight Boagrius)
Agamemnon: Of all the warlords loved by the gods, I hate him the most.
Odysseus: Given that you prevented him from living with a harem of women and escaping this reckless war, I wouldn't be surprised if the feeling is mutual.
Outtake #47:
Achilles: You won't have eyes tonight. You won't have ears or a tongue. You will wander the underworld blind, deaf and dumb and all the dead will know—"This is Hector: the fool who thought he killed Achilles."
Hector: Are you going to continue elaborating on your corpse-desecrating fetish, or are you going to fight me?
Outtake #48:
Briseis: I thought you were a dumb brute. I could have forgiven a dumb brute. But really you're just an evil asshole!
Achilles: Welcome to the real world, sweetheart.
Outtake #49:
Agamemnon: (on the death of Patroclus) That boy may have just saved the war for us.
Odysseus: You're just jealous you couldn't have him.
Agamemnon: Come again?
Odysseus: I said, "You'd be wise to give thanks to him."
Agamemnon: I just did.
Odysseus: (feigning surprise) Oh, did you? I must not have heard you right.
Outtake #50:
Achilles: (to Priam) You are a far better king than the one leading this army.
Priam: Oh, come now.
Achilles: I mean it.
Priam: You flatter me…
Achilles: No, I mean it. Truly. If the circumstances were different, and I had not just lost my lover and killed your son, I would totally sleep with you.
(Uncomfortable pause.)
Priam: I'm married, Achilles.
Achilles: She doesn't need to know.
Continued in the last installment!