"Why are you interested in B?" asked Faith when she met up with Willow the next day (after several hours of acrobatic sex with Xander, which of course Willow wanted to hear absolutely, positively nothing about).

Willow put those scary thoughts out of her mind and filled it instead with sugary-sweet romantic thoughts of Buffy. She went off into a dreamy place as she recited, "She's sweet and kind. She's not bitchy, self centered or controlling like Kennedy..."

"Umm... You do realize we're talking about Buffy, right?"

"Her presence just brightens up the mood of any room..."

"Most of us can't stand her anymore."

"She has the most beautiful body I've ever seen..."

"B really needs to eat more. She's like so scrawny and boney now. It'd be like humping a skeleton, which wouldn't be a stretch for her but I'm not sure if you'd like it."

"She's such a loving woman. Being with her just makes me feel good, and I can see us together forever..."

"She destroys every man she gets her hands onto. And usually sooner rather than later. You're better off without her."

"You just want her all to yourself, bitch." Faith had thought that Willow wasn't listening. Obviously she was wrong.

"Willow! I'm not gay!"

"Yeah, right. What about you making all those goo-goo eyes at her all through high school? Don't think I was blind to all the passes you made at her. The 'hungry and horny' thing? All that grunting. And the constant innudendos. You practically fawning all over her every day. Not just signs, I'm talking massive billboards and neon lights. You may have thought none of us noticed, but I was never that naive. You'll just sabotage me to get rid of your competition!"

"Chill, Red. I admit there may have been a bit of hero worship on my part back in the day, but those were more innocent times, and it's really a non-starter for me now. So calm down, get your head out of your ass, and we'll try to hook you up."

Willow wanted to polymorph her into a frog, but in the end thought better of it.

After all, frogs are scary.

"Are you sure all this stuff will work? It's really sketchy and kinda dumb sounding," Willow complained after two hours of intense instruction from Faith.

"It's the best material in the business. Good luck, though. She's so uptight it's a wonder she's not Amish."

"Faith, that's not nice."

"Yeah right, like any Amish are going to read this on the net and write a nasty e-mail to complain."

"Still... it's not nice. You should be ashamed of yourself."

"Since when have I ever been, Red?"

"Touche."

You already know about batting the eyelashes and the hair thing. Those are for beginners. I'll start you off on the intermediate course.

Willow breathed heavily as she nervously opened the door to Buffy's apartment. This was it. For all the marbles. Focus, Willow, focus. You can float a pencil. You can destroy the world. You can get one girl interested in you, dammit.

Body language speaks louder than words. Show off the tip of your tongue while talking to her. Sit up straight, pop out those jugs. And spreat those legs a bit when you're sitting.

"Hi Buffy. I'm back. What did you do today," she said flicking her tongue out between her teeth as she spoke. It sounded like a bad impression of Sylvester the cat. She felt ridiculous - but not as much as when she slinkily sat herself down on the easy chair with her back ramrod straight, breasts protruding like a pair of missiles, and her legs awkwardly apart. It was a hideously uncomfortable position.

Far from being aroused, Buffy crinkled her forehead at her. "What's up with the funny pose? Is something wrong with your back? Y'know, I found this great chiropractor here... Emilio - he does magic, well not actual magic, that's your field, but chiropractic magic. Let me just rummage around to find..." Buffy wandered back into her bedroom, and Willow gratefully slouched. Years of sitting hunched over a computer is not good for your sexiness.

Use sexually loaded language and embedded commands in your speech.

Buffy came back with Emilio's card and looked confused when Willow just waved it off.

"My back is fine," Willow said. "Some might call it limber. But enough about my back. It's a very hot day outside. I'm so hot. I'd be willing to say that you're definitely hot too."

"Um, yeah, Will. There's only the small air conditioner in here but we've been looking for a new one, but it's a little difficult since there's not that much free room in here."

"I'm sure that you'll be able to create an opening for it. How was patrol? Did you get a good slay?"

"Meh. I was hoping for something tough, but it was just a couple of the usual vamps. Disappointing."

"I really understand that. Sometimes what you get is a challenge, and others you can do in your sleep. With me, in my line of work it's the same thing. The magic I mean. Sometimes, when I do it, it's just right. Others, something kinky and surprising happens that you just can't expect. Though a lot of the time I find that you enjoy it much more than something safe." Did I really just say that? I sound like Parker.

"Yeah. That's right. You really get me, Will. Though... you're speaking in hyperbole. That's a long way to get to a point, even for you."

Eeep. She's on to me, Willow thought. Change of tactics time...

Casual touching during a friendly conversation causes people to remember the conversation more fondly after the fact. Touch her! Hold her hand, rub her arm, her elbow, her back, her shoulders, her hair, her face. TOUCH HER!!!

"Hold on a sec, Buff. You've got an eyelash on your cheek," Willow hastily said, before tentatively resting her fingers on the side of Buffy's head and using her thumb to gently wipe away the nonexistant eyelash. "There, isn't that better?"

"Umm. Okay. Thanks, Will." Buffy fidgetted under her hand. "Y'know what? Now that you mention it, I'm going to go take a look at air conditioning units now. Don't want you melting away on us. Pizza's in the fridge. If I'm away for a while and Dawn insists on going out tonight, tell her I said no."

"Buffy, why don't you stay? C'mon, we'll have the pizza and watch that Piratey movie you like. Or we could gossip and braid each others' hair. Or... stuff..."

Aww crap, she's leaving. And Willow forgot to hike up her skirt to show off more skin.

"What's gotten into you, Willow? You've not usually this weird. I hope this isn't some abandonment issue thing where you get all clingy."

"Um... no, no clingy."

"Well, good then. Why don't you try that on Xander? He might be free for the girlie night in tonight."

Willow didn't want to try it on Xander. He already had Faith, dammit.

As Buffy left, Willow held the door open for her, her arm snaking protectively around Buffy's body. If Buffy noticed, she didn't show. And then she was gone, and Willow was alone once again.

But at least this time she had pizza.