Chapter 8: Auron!
Yevon, a fat, short, and bald man with no eyebrows, frowned and stroked his kitty, Fluffy, while looking around his throne. "Whereth art my servant?" he boomed, agitated. "SERVANT! GET THY ASS OVER HERE."
The servant shuffled into the room, scowling.
"What is it THIS time?" he questioned. "I just finished scrubbing your toenails, waxing your scalp, and, yes, plucking your cat's eyelashes! I have fed both you and the cat, cleaned out the litter box, done 'The Nasty,' eaten five types of sushi, made an appearance in the fourth chapter of Destiny of a Not-So Final Fantasy, and cleaned the dishes with a rusty toothbrush! What MORE is there, O Mighty One?"
"…you dare speak rudely to me?" Yevon raised his eyebrows in a calm manner. Fluffy brandished her claws. "I do not tolerate such behavior." He then looked down at the cat in his lap and said, "Fluffy? You know what to do."
The cat abruptly flew off the fugly man's lap and towards the servant, who stared. Fluffy opened its huge, gaping mouth—and a good ten seconds later, the servant was no more and Fluffy's hunger had been greatly satisfied. Fluffy rubbed her tummy and strolled outside to pee.
Yevon smirked and looked down at the crystal ball in front of him. In it, Darius and six other people were entering a faraway city, Luca, and had no idea that they were being watched stalkingly.
"Well, well, well…. So the bitches and bastards art finally getting a move-along. Good! It is about time." He then looked up into the sky, where the blue-streaked moon still resided. "Ah, I see-eth Nyl hast been watching over them… THE FOOL! AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH! EVIL FEELS SO GOOOOOOOOD! YES!"
At that moment, the blue-streaked moon disappeared from the sky, and a pissed-off woman with red hair suddenly materialized from thin air and glared at Yevon.
"My god, I can hear thee moaning from all the way in the Moon. Thou art not playing with yourself again, art thou?"
Since when was she allowed in here? Yevon thought grouchily. "NYLLIA! You know very well I don't play with myself on weekdays! HOW DARE-ETH THEE ENTER-ETH MY VICINITY! …eth."
"Oh-eth, drop the fake Bible accent, Yevon," the woman, apparently named Nyllia, snapped back. "My Bible accent is REAL. Yours—is not. AND WILL THOU STOP WITH THE BOLD FONT?"
"…fine. Now leave; you are not welcome here, Nyl. You're just lucky my magic can't affect you, or you'd have six extra heads by now. GET OUT, hoe."
She rolled her eyes. "You know, thou never were a good lover. I'd exert all my force, and thou would do nothing. And, regarding Darius and his group, I shall be exerting all my power-ETH to be protecting them from thy direct mischief!"
"Try it, biznotch!"
"I will, f--ker!"
"WATCH YOUR F--ING LANGUAGE, FOOL."
"I AM NOT A FOOL, YOU PIECE OF—"
"WHY YOU LITTLE—"
Notice: I am sorry, but our online Parental Control system has forbade you to read the rest of this scene. Please enter the correct four-digit lock code to continue. Until then, we shall skip the vulgarity of this scene, and continue with the part in the story after Nyl exits.
Yevon rubbed his hands together maliciously.
"Finally Nyl is gone gone. But it is almost time… Dar, and the others, will be in my clutches soon. And then…the plan will succeed." He picked up Fluffy, who had returned from her peeing session, and stroked her back. "Yes…."
Back in Luca…
Well, after many arguments, threats, and bitchslaps, the group of seven actually DID end up making it to Luca alive. If that wasn't a miracle, I don't know what is. In fact, after one hour of enduring insane actions from Wakka, Darius, Tidus, and Brynna, Lulu had gotten to the point where she couldn't stand it anymore and cast a Silence spell on the entire group.
However, this only worsened things, because precisely one minute after the said Silence spell was made, Darius's head had blown up from the pressure, spraying out confetti. Lulu looked like she wanted to celebrate—but luckily Yuna was able to heal him, because it was quite obvious that Lulu would not have done a thing. Kimahri, apparently the only normal one in the group, merely strode alongside Yuna and kept to himself, casting unpleasant looks Darius's way.
However, in due time, the group finally arrived at a large, modern-day city with plenty of occupants. Yuna took a step forward, and immediately a small crowd started to circle around her.
"Summoner Yuna is here!" a two-month-old baby cheered.
"Wait, I thought two-month-old babies couldn't talk, ya?" Wakka muttered, confused. "Are we at the right place?" He scratched his hair, which died and turned gray immediately.
"Of course we are, Wakka." Lulu grimaced at him. "Now someone get these people away from us, so we can proceed!"
"I'll do it!" Darius strode forward and opened his mouth importantly to tell everyone to shut the hell up and move out. However, he stopped when he noticed that the majority of the crowd was not looking at Yuna, but at Lulu. He followed their gaze to the exact part of Lulu they were looking at—and gaped. PERVERTS! he thought.
Unfortunately, the crowd was now drooling all over itself, staring at a particular area of Lulu's…top half. They wouldn't notice Darius even if he tried. I know what I'll do, he thought, and pointed ahead. "EVERYONE! FREE ORGIES AT THE HOTDOG STAND!"
"ORGY? WHERE!"
And with that, the entire crowd jumped over each other to reach the "hotdog stand" in time to join in on the fun and pleasure.
Darius turned around and faced the others, who were staring at him in horror. "What?" he queried. "Everyone loves a good orgy!"
Kimahri stroked his chin and glanced up at the sky, apparently having a pleasing flashback.
"Well, where's our first stop?" Tidus asked after enjoying his own flashback, attempting hastily to cover up the drool.
"We must first see Maesters Mika and Seymour up at Dock Three!" Yuna exclaimed, beaming. "Brynna has said that they are supposed to be here soon. Right?" She turned to the smaller girl, who thrust a fist up into the air and cried, "Yep!"
Unfortunately, this thrust of her fist into the air hit a nearby bird, which had been, at the moment before its death, pooping. The bird's droppings, regrettably, landed directly in Wakka's mouth (he was just in the middle of a very robust yawn) and Lulu, once again, had to cast a sad Silence spell at him to get him to shut up.
Wakka hastily spit out the nasty liquid, which, he later declared, tasted just like chocobo feathers. Sick in the stomach, he led to the way to Dock Three, utilizing helpful signs to aid him.
The dock was filled with a very large swarm of people watching what looked like a tall, blue-haired he/she with loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong-ass nails step out of an elegant ship, onto a platform.
Seymour, Darius thought, marching forward to kick him. He still didn't forgive the nasty man for constantly killing him whenever he played Final Fantasy X back on Earth, resulting in a screen with the words "G-A-M-E-O-V-E-R" flashing over and over again and Tidus sprawled out on the ground, dead.
How dare that long-nailed fiend kill him! Darius kicked him once more and then realized what he was doing. The crowd stared at him in disbelief, and Maester Seymour batted his long, curvy eyelashes and flicked him away.
Darius went flying 10 feet in the air, and landed back with Yuna, Tidus, and the everyone else, who blinked.
"Uh, hi!" Darius greeted, waving.
Yuna's face greatly resembled a "-.-;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;", and she looked like she was ready to summon Valefor on him. "What are you doing?" she questioned.
Luckily for Darius (and you too, since Valefor surely would have kicked his ass to death, and then there would be no more story for you), Darius was not able to reply, for another maester had stepped onto the platform. Apparently this maester was the main attraction, because the second the crowd saw him they all burst out into applause.
Tidus leaned over to whisper to Brynna and Darius, who were the closest to him. "Who—the HELL—is that?" He pointed at the new maester, who looked a lot like a miniature prune on legs.
"Oh, that's Mika," Brynna replied, nodding energetically.
"The oldest man in the world," Darius put in, causing Lulu to "accidentally" step on his foot and claim that Wakka made her do it.
"Grand Maester Mika," Kimahri corrected, making sure everyone spoke of him respectfully. "Humans must have respect for elders."
Yuna nodded in agreement. "He has beeen the Grand Maester for over 50 years now!" She beamed and bowed in his direction, although the maester could obviously not see her from his position up front. Before Tidus could ask anything, she added, "He is the leader of all the people of Spira. He's come all the
way from Bevelle! The tournament is being held to honor his fifty years as
maester."
Darius squinted to look more closely at the wrinkling man, but Tidus asked, "Fifty years? Shouldn't he be decay and dust by now?"
"Well, naturally, he is," Darius responded, still squinting, without turning around. "Only, someone's put all the decay and dust together, in the shape of a man!"
SMACK.
"OUCH!"
Lulu withdrew her hand and smirked as the entire crowd turned to glare at Darius for making such noise. "Oh, shove it!" he yelled at them, and they did, indeed, shove him. Maester Mika, realizing that he needed to regain the crowd's attention before they all beat up each other, hurried forward to receive a nearby microphone on the floor, which was about 10 normal paces away.
The maester walked as fast as his legs could carry him to the voice-amplifying device.
But naturally, being 555,555 years old would require you to move "at a snail's pace." And interestingly, a snail on the floor was indeed beating him to the microphone. Oh, Mika would be there soon, don't worry. Soon…. Soon…. Oh, it won't be long now…. Eh, only a matter of time…. Another minute or two…or three…or…four? Oh, hurry UP, it's been five minutes now. Six? Seven? Eight? Nine? Ten?
"OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD." Brynna shoved her way through the crowd, which was now on top of Darius, pounding the living daylights out of itself. She picked up the microphone and shoved it toward Mika, who snatched it away, peeled off the snail that was now wrapped around the handle, and spoke into it.
"AHEM!"
Silence.
"Good. Now, people of Spira, I thank you for your generous welcome." He turned to Seymour. "Rise, Maester Seymour. And all of you as well. I present to you...the son of Maester Jyscal Guado, who departed for the Farplane a fortnight past. As some of you already know, he has been officially ordained a maester of Yevon."
The area broke into applause, and a particular girl took one glance at Seymour and died.
"I am Seymour Guado," Seymour stated. ("No—you're Michael Jackson," Darius said sardonically, rolling his eyes and shaking his head.) His eyes met Yuna's. Tidus noticed this and scowled.
"I am honored to receive the title of maester. In life, my father Jyscal worked to foster friendship between man and Guado. I vow to carry on his legacy, and to fulfill my duties as maester to the best of my abilities."
"Hmph," was Tidus's comment on all this.
"Butt-nasty," was Darius's comment on all this.
"Shut the hell up before I cast Thunder on you," was Lulu's comment on all this.
"QUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEET!" Mika shouted in the microphone, causing it to have the right temperature to circle you from the storrrrrrrrrrrrrm.
"The blitz ball tournament celebrating the half-century of my title as Grand Maester shall commence in approximately one hour. Good day to you all, and I hope you see you later." He flung the microphone into the sea. "Now I must utilize the restroom," Mika added hurriedly and suddenly, and he rushed off, supplying horrible odors from his rear end.
Seymour followed, and Darius was sure he saw Seymour give Yuna a wink before he turned the corner.
"Was he winking at YOU?" he, Tidus, Brynna, Wakka, and Lulu inquired, appalled.
Yuna tilted her head slightly, surprised. "Me? No! Why would he?" Lulu and Wakka seemed relieved and completely reassured, but Darius and the others weren't so sure.
"Because his fingernails are the size of Manhattan," Darius murmured.
"Because his eyelashes are as long as noodles," Brynna muttered.
"Because his stomach pokes out more than Lulu's br—"
But luckily, before Tidus could finish, Kimahri said, "Have respect for maesters and summoners," and Yuna smiled, agreeing.
"So, we'd better mosey on, so you guys can meet the blitz team, ya?" Wakka said, apparently trying to change the subject. "'Specially if Tidus here's gonna help us win!" He gave Tidus a noogie, and Tidus backed away, not wanting his hair to fall out. "Follow me!" Wakka exclaimed, attempting to do backflips in his excitement, and eventually led the group to a musty room filled with musty people.
Darius and Tidus slipped inside and when Brynna attempted to, Wakka cried, "This is the MENS' locker room!"
"Awwww, but—"
SLAM.
- - -
"Hey! It's Cap'n Wakka!" Datto screamed from inside the locker room. Then he saw Darius and Tidus. "And…you two. Grrrreat."
"Don't look so glad to see us!" Darius exclaimed sarcastically, performing an anime sweat-drop. "How've ya been?" The blitzers in the room were all sprawled out across the area, attempting to do push-ups. Unfortunately, not ONE of them was able to do this correctly, and so they all looked like idiots.
"We've been terrible. We're all pissed off! We're NEVER going to win this tournament! We lost every other time, and we'll KEEP losing until pigs start flying!" Datto exclaimed, ripping out his hair and chucking it on the ground.
"LOOK! A FLYING PIG!" Darius cried, pointing in the sky.
Tidus frowned pensively. "…wait a minute…. There IS no sky; we're INSIDE. How can you be pointing in the sky?"
"Um…plot twist?"
BOOM!
Datto blew up from the stress.
Darius blinked and exchanged unworried glances with everyone else. "Ah well, he was ball-hog anyway," Wakka said, shrugging. He then turned to talk to the team. "Everyone! This is the last meeting before the match! We've been seeded, so we only need to win against the Luca Goers to win the tournament!"
Everyone cheered.
"Yeah, and then you won't be losers like you are now!" Darius exclaimed encouragingly. "You'll be HEROES!" He then stopped and thought for a moment. "Well, actually, you'd still be losers."
"Yeah, but that's okay, people will still acknowledge us somewhat," Wakka said. He grinned and said, "So what's our team goal, bruddas?"
"TO LOSE HORRIBLY AND SHAME OUR ANCESTORS!" they all cried in unison.
"EXACTLY!"
"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—!"
"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!" Tidus stomped on the ground and stood on one of the benches. "Our team goal is to WIN! You play for victory, not to be spat on by some stupid Luca Goers! People just like THEM because…well, I don't know! But that's not the point, Aurochs! We will go out there, swim our asses off, fling blitzballs at the other goal, surreptitiously foul the other team, and at least attempt to win! So when I say, 'What's out goal?' you say 'VICTORY!'"
There was a murmur among the Besaid Aurochs. "Nah, we better just stick with shaming our ancestors," another Blitzer, Jassu, said.
Everyone turned to face him. "No, we're going to win, and that's that!" Tidus bellowed forcefully, jumping down to shake Jassu like a rattle. "I'll be helping, don't YOU worry. Got it?"
Jassu nodded fearfully and fled to the other side of the room.
Darius shrugged. "Well, are we ready, guys?" he asked.
The whole room was shocked. "WE?" they shouted, as one. "YOU ARE NOT PLAYING WITH US!"
Hey, why not? "Butt-butt-butt—"
"Sorry, but the rest of us have come to the conclusion that you suck," Wakka said, shaking his head. "So no butts."
Just then, a woman with an exceedingly large butt walked in and out of the locker room, winking at each and every blitzer.
"Except for that one," Tidus commented. The others nodded. "But other than that, NO BUTTS." And with that said, Darius was quite literally kicked out of the room, and he landed outside of it, on his ass.
Grumbling incoherently, Darius walked over to the closest chair he could find, which happened to be in a bar. He plopped himself in the chair, and watched the TV overhead.
He had previously thought he'd be out there playing blitzball with the rest of them, and now that he wasn't going to be, this made him a bit disappointed. Uuuurggghhhhhh.
But wait a minute, a voice said from within him. You DO suck.
No I don't! he thought back stupidly.
Um…yeah, you do, fool.
Oh SHUT UP.
He kicked himself in the shin, causing this voice to go away. He realized soon afterward that he must have gone crazy a long time ago, but didn't have time to contemplate this because of a sudden loud noise coming from not to far away. Darius looked up—and saw—
Kimahri and two larger Ronsos engaged in a verbal battle. Well, actually, since the Ronsos weren't very good with correct speech and grammar and all that crap, it wasn't very verbal. But it did consist of:
"Why not talk, Kimahri? Not see Yenke for ten years! Say something! Kimahri forget Yenke? Forget Biran?"
"Leave Kimahri alone, Yenke. Kimahri too fugly to talk to us."
Kimahri said nothing, but stared at the ground. "Hey! Kimahri can kick your asses anytime!" Darius said, walking over. "Show 'em, Kimahri!"
Kimahri blinked. "Kimahri have to use restroom." And he fled, leaving the two tougher Ronsos, Biran and Yanke, to munch on Darius's flesh.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Dar tore out of the place and ran until he hit a pole and fell over. He then looked behind him and saw that the Ronsos were gaining on him— He jumped back up and continued to flee until he hit yet another pole and fell over. When he looked back again he saw that the Ronsos were starting to gain on him once again, so he leaped up and starting fleeing again until he hit another pole and fell over. This cycle continued for a good ten minutes, until Biran and Yanke came across an attractive female Ronso and decided to hit on her.
Of course five minutes later, in the middle of their conversation with her, the female Ronso's 15-foot boyfriend stomped over to them and kicked Biran and Yanke's asses all the way to Mt. Gagazet—but that's beside the point.
"Phew," Dar said, wiping a bead of sweat of his forehead, which flew off and hit a bystander in the eye. "Good thing I have such superb running skills!"
The entire planet stopped to crack up at this.
Orrrrrrrrrr not, the voice said from within him. He mentally threw a stick at the voice, but unfortunately the voice only threw the stick back. Darius proceeded to walk around until he stumbled upon—oh, what LUCK!—the blitzball stadium!
Apparently the game was about to start, as Maester Mika and Seymour were in their high, royal, leather seats, and everyone else was seated in rusty, dusty lawn chairs. Dar looked around for a good seat, but found none. Except for… Hmmmmm.
Down the aisle was the commentator box, where the commentators, Bobba and Jimma, sat.
(Which brings up a good question: Why, in God's name, does every single character associated with blitzball in Final Fantasy X have FIVE LETTERS in their name? Tidus, Datto, Letty, Jassu, Botta, Keepa, Wakka, Bobba, Jimma…. The list goes on. I, the narrator of this story, shall give you a cookie if you know the answer. But for now it seems I have strayed off topic…AGAIN. Back to the story…. Wait, where was I? Oh yes, the commentators…)
Hmm… Commentators, eh? Dar thought, contemplating a plan. He strode to the commentator's box, kicked down the door, and cried, "THERE'S ANOTHER ORGY AT THE HOTDOG STAND!"
And at hearing this, Bobba and Jimma exchanged excited glances and immediately dashed to the hotdog stand.
Darius smirked. The commentator's box is mine! It's all mine! he shouted internally, performing a victory dance. Unfortunately, what he thought to be a victory dance actually turned out to be a rain dance from olden times, and a storm came and he was struck by lightning.
But that's not the point.
Anywho, Darius looked downward to see that the Besaid Aurochs were now strolling out of their locker room and to the stadium.
From the opposite side of the stadium, the Luca Goers appeared, rudely sticking out their middle fingers at the opposing team. Darius noticed that a team of hot cheerleaders on the side were waving pom-poms and doing flips excitedly and cheering for the Goers.
Unfortunately, the cheerleaders that were cheering for the Aurochs consisted of a dozen old, overweight ladies in spandex.
Darius's eyes nearly ran away from his sockets at this terrible sight, but he managed to keep them in perfect condition as both blitzball teams got into their stances in the arena. A loud whistle blew, and the game sprang into action.
The finals for the tournament—had begun.
"KIMAHRI!" Brynna screamed frantically, searching for him everywhere. "KIMAH—"
Kimahri appeared, tapping his foot impatiently.
"Kimahri, Yuna's been captured by some Al Bhed bitches!" she screamed.
The Ronso's eyes bulged in alarm. "How do you know this?" he questioned.
"I just saw them carry her off—THATAWAY!" She pointed to another street. "Hurry, we have to find Lulu first!"
Kimahri nodded and broke off into an extremely fast sprint, faster than Brynna had seen him bother to do before. She assumed that Kimahri only deemed it necessary to dash this quickly when it seemed like Yuna's life was at stake, but she didn't care and didn't dwell on the matter. In a matter of just a few dozen seconds, they caught sight of Lulu who was searching hysterically for something.
"THERE you two are!" she cried, revealing her stressed features. "Where have you been? Yuna's been—"
"Kimahri and Brynna know," Kimahri interjected anxiously. "Came to get you."
"Good. We must make haste. I don't know what they want Yuna for, but I have a feeling it involves virginity, sex, and very sickening details. This way! They were headed for Dock Four." The trio headed toward a street to the right at a very brisk pace, pushing their way through a particularly humongous crowd at the hotdog stand.
When they came near the designated dock, an Al Bhed man leaped in front of them to stop them from passing. "Aha! Vneahtc uv Yuna!" he cried, brandishing a sword. "Oui crymm hud bycc."
Brynna scowled. She did not know what the hell he had said, but she HAD heard the word "Yuna" in there. She quickly whipped out a dagger from seemingly nowhere and attempted to leap forward, but Lulu held her back. "
"Little girls should not fight in death battles—or play with knives," Lulu advised. "I'll made quick work of him." She took out a moogle and made a hand gesture—and the Al Bhed was suddenly engrossed in a thin sheet of fire. They hurried past him before he could recover.
"And I am NOT A LITTLE GIRL! Now many times to I have to tell you!"
But she was ignored. Along the way, few machina attempted to slow the trio down, but Lulu was quick to cast Thunder on each one, causing them to sizzle and malfunction wonderfully.
Finally they made it to the heart of Dock Four, where the trio looked around helplessly. "Where is Yuna?" Kimahri asked, searching right and left madly.
"Calm down! She's around here somewhere!" Brynna exclaimed. And, as if those words triggered it, a sudden wave of machina swarmed toward them, from behind a stacked set of cargo. "Oh, I'll show you to mess with ME," Brynna muttered, and before anyone could do anything about it, she leapt into the air and swung the dagger full force from left to right, effectively cutting one of the machina in half.
Lulu and Kimahri were stunned. But, still, this would not do; there were just too many to handle.
"…we're screwed," Brynna observed.
Still, the three of them readied themselves with a protective stance, ready to endure the attack of the machina, but just in time, Kimahri caught something out of the corner of his eye: a crane.
"…so?" Brynna asked.
"Use crane to attack machina!"
And then suddenly it made sense. The group could somehow jumpstart the crane to either scare off the machina, or beat them down. Brynna preferred the latter of the two. But how could they start it?
"Magic!" Kimahri cried, fiercely kicking a machina at his side. "Quick!"
Lulu understood. "Eat THIS, machina!" And witih that, she used a Thunder spell to give the crane a jumpstart. The crane moved—and crashed down on the ground, flattening the machina. It then lifted and went back to its immobile state on the side of the area.
Brynna jumped in the air and cheered. "Whoooooooooooooo! Go Lulu!"
"But, remember, Yuna has not yet—"
And as if on cue, a brunette summoner innocently tapped them on the shoulders.
"YUNAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Brynna cried, glomping the 17-year-old and crushing her lungs. "What did they do to you? Are you alright?"
Lulu and Kimahri nodded in agreement, wanting to know the answer to the same question.
Yuna furrowed her brow. "Hmm? What did who do to me? And of course I'm fine! I was only out using the bathroom!"
"IT'S A CLOSE GAME, FANS! With the Auroch's score at 2, and the Luca Goers score at 999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999, WHO WILL WIN? Now, Botta passes it to Jassu, who goes for the goal…AND—misses terribly, while hitting Letty in the process…." Darius commentated, wincing. "Letty gets pissed off, whips out a wooden mallet, and SLAMS it in Jassu's balls! Oh, dear Yevon, that has GOT to hurt! Yeah, looks like Tidus is now so busy shouting at Letty and Jassu that he fails to notice Bickson from the other team swoop down at get a goal. Oh, this is NOT going good for the Aurochs. Pity, pity."
Tidus turned to glare at Darius before resuming the blitzball game. "…Wakka gets the ball," Darius soon continued, "goes in for the shot, and stops to wink at a nearby cheerleader— Oh, damn, are my eyes deceiving me, or is that LULU storming into the stadium and kicking Wakka's ass? Oh dear, I can see THAT slap mark all the way from here And… W.T.F.? THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BEND LIKE THAT!"
"Oh, but it WILL," Lulu mouthed, ripping off Wakka's limbs. "DON'T YOU EVER WINK AT ANOTHER WOMAN!"
And with that, she stormed off, apparently muttering curses under her breath. Yuna, who was now in the stands, was forced to cast a regretful healing spell on Wakka (for, what, the tenth time now?) for him to regain arms and legs.
"And the game continues!" Dar shouted. "Alright, the Aurochs are still in possession, Botta goes in for the shot, but it looks like Tidus is snatching the ball away from his own teammate just in time! Good move; we all know Botta can't kick a blitzball for magic BEANS. So anyway, Tidus has got the ball…he dashes past Doram from the other team…he tramples over Balgerda…he pauses and munches on a slice of cheese…he moves forward AND—SCOOOOORE!
"With that 'WONDERFUL'"—cough cough—"goal, the score is NOW 3 to 999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999! THE AUROCH'S VICTORY IS SO CLOSE, I CAN SMELL IT!"
He took a very large sniff out of the air, attempting to be dramatic. Unfortunately he ended up choking on oxygen, and keeled over and died. But, luckily, since the main character in a story can't die so quickly and stupidly (…YET… -shifty eyes-), he revived and started back commentating.
But when he did, he noticed something was wrong. Now there really WAS a peculiar smell in the air, and the entire stadium (the blitzballers AND everyone in the stands) stopped to determine what exactly it was.
It smelled of…a bit like paste…a bit like cheese…some noodles, macaroni, chocobo, toenails, all mixed together in one huge pot of boiling stew. Unlucky for him, it turned out NOT to be a smell of any of those thingies, but, instead, it was—
"SEYMOUR'S FAAAAART!" someone, who was indeed sitting beside Seymour in the stands, suddenly bellowed into the arena.
Immediately chaos occurred. The smell of the said fart had slid around the entire blitzball stadium, and before anyone knew it, the stench created a huge forest fire.
And yes, forest fires CAN occur in outside of forests!
The blitzballers tore out of the arena, forgetting all about the game, and all of them, except for Wakka and Tidus, abruptly stopped running when they saw Darius. Lulu, Yuna, Kimahri and Brynna sprinted over, too, and gaped at the scenery.
The fire was slowly spreading throughout the entire place, and there were very few people in the place who were not running around and screaming frantically. "What happened?" Brynna asked, noting the utter chaos.
"Seymour's fart is about to kill us all!" Darius wheezed, pinching his nose to stop him from being able to smell the odor. But this barely helped because apparently the fart was just too strong to be overthrown, and also, Darius realized with horror, the stench was beginning to generate fiends. Various monsters formed from within the area and roared, stampeding everywhere and attacking the helpless.
"What can we do?" Yuna cried.
Dar whipped out a bag of popcorn. "Watch till the world goes boom."
SLAP.
"Heyyyyyyyy!"
But needless to say, the slap had not come from Yuna, but, once again, from Lulu. (Damn, Lulu has GOT to get some other means of physical attack.) "No, we must go out there and fight the fiends off! We ARE meant to save Spira, after all!"
"Kimahri agree."
"Yes, but Darius lazy," he whined.
Brynna rolled her eyes, said, "We have to fight! Come on, bucko," and began dragging Darius off to confront a fiend. The fiend looked at the bag of popcorn in Darius's hand and began munching happily on it, belching. "Here, kill it like THIS," Brynna instructed, slicing the thing in half with her blade.
Popcorn spilled out of its sliced-up stomach. Before anyone could eat any of it, however, Brynna marched off to another fiend and began to attack it as well. The rest of the group spread out along the stadium and got into their own separate offensive stances, ready to strike and kick some serious ass. Or get their asses kicked—whichever came first.
A shady figure in a red robe stepped inside the stadium and looked around darkly. Flames engulfing almost everything, fiends roaring, people screaming and running away from the site…. He should have known.
The man slowly unsheathed his long, heavy sword and walked ahead. Immediately a Vouivre, a four-legged fiend, pounced and ambushed him, striking. The man shook his head pityingly before uttering, "Hmph," and slashing the fiend with his weapon. What weak monsters.
He pressed on, avoiding both fiends and flames, until he caught sight of a blue-haired male and a pruny old man hurrying past him, evidently attempting to make a quick exit. Seymour and Mika. Apparently the creators of this mess had found it wise to flee before anyone could catch on. He was disgusted. Moving onward, he batted his sword at an approaching fiend, causing it to soar away.
"There they are," he murmured, quickening his pace as he glimpsed a group of seven attacking the fiends and trying to extinguish a few of the fires.
Darius was the first to turn around and recognize him.
"Auron!"
- - -
"AURON?" everyone else echoed, whipping around at the sound of the name. They gaped as the red-cloaked man, Auron, nodded gravely.
"So you guys DO know him," Tidus concluded, eyeing them all.
"Yeah!" Wakka exclaimed, distracted from killing off the fiends. "Best guardian there ever was."
"AURRRROOONNNNNN!" Brynna cried, leaping into the air and flinging herself onto his leg. "You're so much hotter in person!"
Lulu was quick to attempt to pull her off of his leg. "Get—off—of—him—!" She was finally able to wrench the reluctant girl away from him. "So sorry, Sir Auron," she huffed.
Darius furrowed his brow. But if Wakka, Lulu and the others did indeed know Auron, why wasn't anyone surprised that Tidus and Darius knew who he was, since they were both from Zanarkand? Surely Yuna had told her other guardians of Tidus's and Darius's origin—so, shouldn't anyone be startled by the news that they were aware of Auron?
No?
"FIEND!" Brynna suddenly shouted, pointing off into the distance. A huge, colossal monster immediately stomped its way into view, and before anyone knew what was coming—a blue beam of energy issued out of its hand, which only narrowly missed Tidus by inches.
"Um, guys?" he said, scratching his head.
"Yes?"
"Should we scream and run now?"
"Yes."
Pause. Then—
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
The eight of them scrambled toward the exit, planning to leave the stadium to burn and blow up—but just before they could shove open the exiting doors, Seymour ambled leisurely inside the stadium and called out to the skies—
"Anima!"
A vast Aeon materialized out of thin air, thrashing about angrily. Darius gaped and immediately recognized it as the huge thing he had continually lost against in FFX. The Aeon made a raging gestured with its hand, and there was a blinding flash of light—and before anyone knew it, the flames, the fiends, and the naaaasty odor—had vanished into nothing.
"That was a close one, ya?" Wakka said, wiping off a trickle of sweat from his forehead and exhaling. "We almost got out butts kicked!" The group was now seated at the bar, resting well after the sudden excitement.
"Speak for yourself, Wakka," Tidus grumbled. Then he turned on Auron, who was leaning quietly against the wall. "This is all your fault! It's all your fault me and Dar are here, instead of where we're supposed to be, in Zanarkand. It's all your fault either of us got INTO this mess!"
No one said a thing. Yuna, Lulu, and Wakka only exchanged questioning glances. They obviously hadn't been informed of the part that Auron had played in sending both Darius and Tidus to Besaid.
Auron looked meaningfully at Tidus. "Do you feel you would be better off in Zanarkand?" Tidus couldn't reply to that; he apparently knew the answer was no. "Or you?" Auron turned to Darius, who couldn't reply either.
Darius's home was back on Earth; he wouldn't have been any better in Zanarkand than he was now. But he didn't say this aloud, for no one knew this but him—not even Tidus. But as he looked more closely at Auron's meaningful expression, he got the distinct impression that Auron knew perfectly well about his prior life on Earth. What did this mean?
Darius thought back to when he first met Auron in Zanarkand. He, Auron, had called him by the name "Raishad." …Raishad? Darius thought. I never told anyone in Spira about my birth name… How did Auron know? Darius knew he would have to talk to Auron personally about this, but he couldn't now; he didn't want any of the others hearing about Earth just now. In due time.
"Who are you, anyway?" Tidus asked suddenly, glaring at the cloaked man, who had no reaction. "You knew my old man, didn't you? Just like Yuna did? And you know Yuna's father?"
Auron exchanged looks with Yuna before answering. "That's correct. Jecht, Braska, and I…together, we defeated Sin, a decade ago. I later went to Zanarkand to watch over you, so that eventually I could bring you to Spira."
"ME? WHY did it have to be ME?" Tidus was getting furious now. Everyone else was dead silent, very interested in the conversation. They apparently wanted to know why Auron had come to help Yuna as well.
"Mh. Jecht asked me to."
"What! But—!"
"I shall explain it all very soon. Well—as much as I can tell you, at least."
"Um—" Yuna didn't want to interrupt, but seemed to deem it necessary. "Sir—if you mind me asking, why have you come here?" Everyone else nodded, still eager to know the answer to this very question.
"I promised Braska I'd help you on this journey," Auron answered solemnly. "We should skip the talk, the cut to the chase— Yuna, I wish to become your guardian." Everyone except Darius, who saw this coming, stared at him in disbelief. "Do you accept?"
"WHAT?" Wakka burst out, narrowly avoiding a random smack from Lulu.
"You refuse?"
"Oh, no, no, no! We accept, right everyone?" Yuna said. She didn't wait for any responses, but ran up to embrace Auron in a tight hug—then realized what she was doing, and looked a bit embarrassed. "Sorry…"
Auron's eyes feel on Brynna. "Oh, and on one condition: she comes too. For good."
"FOR GOOD? YOU MEAN I CAN DO THAT? WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—!"
"SHUTUP!" Tidus bellowed, rubbing his sensitive ears.
"This is so cool!" Brynna exclaimed. "First we're gonna kill all the baddies—then we're gonna get Aeons—then we're gonna be famous—then we're gonna kill Sin—then we're gonna all do a victory dance, and party all night long!"
Darius blinked. "—no."
"Rrriiight…" Auron then turned to Lulu. "We should leave as soon as possible. What's our itinerary? Where are we headed?"
"First, Mi'ihen Highroad. Then, Mushroom Rock, and Djose. I'll tell you the rest from there," Lulu said. Then she considered and asked, "Shall we leave now?" Everyone looked at each other, and finally, Yuna nodded.
"Let's go!"
The all left the bar, but suddenly an idea popped in Darius's head. "Hey, wait, can we stop by a shop here before we go?" he asked Lulu, who shrugged and said, "Fine, which shop is it?"
He exchanged knowing glances with Tidus and Brynna, who caught on and grinned.
"Oh, nothing special, just a Hotdog Stand…."