(Introduction to Chapter)
Tidus smiled, tilted his head slightly to the left, and waved pleasantly at the readers. "Hey, guys! I've been thinking it over, and I've decided that I am going to be the new main character to this story. I will be taking over, and the fic will be retitled, 'Destiny of a Tidus'. Yuna will make love to me each night, and the main plot to the story will be entirely centered around mwah. Auron will kill Brynna's sorry ass OFF, Darius will die in a mysterious fire, Wakka will be cooked for dinner, and Lulu's breasts will magically shrink—" He abruptly cut off, eyes bulging, as the other main characters to the story emerged, narrowing their eyes at him.
"And my breasts will do WHAT, perve?" Lulu snarled menacingly, grabbing him by the hair and flinging him to Djose, where the real setting to this chapter begins.
Author's Note- erm...
...Hello. /\./\;; People (if there ARE any left), I'm muy, muy, muy, muy sorry for being such a lazyass that I haven't updated in months... BUT! I'M ALIVE! Um...please forgive me. I'm trying to update better, but it's a bit hard when you lack muses for days at a time. (glares at them)
(Edit: I just realized... this chapter is very idiotic. Just BURN IT when you get the chance, okay?)
Anyway, big thanks to "MollyBurleyFools", "Sydon", "Auron's Fan", "Too Sexy" (grins), "Lovinlifefamous", "Anasazi Darkmoon", " 3", and "dooooooooooooooooooooooooood" for reviewing! (By the way, I was NOT serious about the 10 votes thing! It just...kinda turned out that way...)
Ohhh yeaaahh... And to "Doctor Tranquilliser"?
...In American English, you spelled 'tranquillizer' wrong.
Chapter 12
Destiny of a Blah Blah Blah
Yevon stood up from his throne and booted his cat across the room. "I've told you not to munch on dead humans in front of me." Without delay, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a living female woman with blonde hair and blue eyes. "Live ones are much better."
He quickly ripped off her head, chomped down on her body, chewed about three times, swallowed, gulped, burped, and let out a long, pleasant sigh of breath that was so bad that it consequentially caused the CO2 level to rise dramatically in the atmosphere.
The malevolent, horribly ugly god took out a toothpick and picked at his teeth for a while, then returned his gaze back to Spira. He smirked a highly unattractive, revolting smirk that made even Satan look like a cute beanie baby, and muttered, "Looks like now is a good time."
And with no further explanation, the nasty little thing put on some clothing (...let us not imagine what he looked like BEFORE he had said clothing on... -shudder-), and vanished in a puff of smoke and pyreflies.
Fluffy meowed (caring very little that his master—an obese, bald, thousand-year-old man who plays with himself on weekends and evidently walks around his house butt naked—had randomly gone POOF!) and went back to munching jubilantly on dead humans.
"And that is the last bathroom break we're taking until the story's over," Lulu muttered, eyeballing the companions beside her to make sure they understood.
Darius harrumphed. "Fine."
And, stomping forward irritably, he and the rest of the group continued the perilous journey to Djose, which, Yuna happily indicated, couldn't be too far off.
But he had other things on his mind.
He was busy internally listing the questionable things that had occurred lately. For one, what was with this strange moon that called itself Nyllia? For two, what the hell was with Xodian, his supposed "other personality"? And, more importantly, what would happen if Xodian returned? And what about all the crap Jade had said about Spira being destroyed by The Son?
This can only mean one thing... he thought. And—just when he was about to come to a very well thought-out conclusion on what the hell was going on—
He tripped, fell off the edge of a very steep cliff, and went, quite audibly, "SPLAT."
Lulu's reaction: A wide grin.
Yuna's reaction: A gaping expression.
Tidus's reaction: A loud laugh.
Auron's reaction: A giant grimace.
Wakka's reaction: "... Wait, what happened? I was using the bathroom."
Brynna's reaction: A giggle, a cheer, a dive after Darius, and, yes—
"SPLAT."
...again.
The others in the group exchanged shrugs, peered down at the two idiots who had dove off the cliff, and, having absolutely nothing to do with the plot of the story, idiotically followed suit.
Yevon, who had just finished dematerializing from who-knows-where, materialized in front of a reasonably large building of a diminutive town with a multitude of tall, unattractive, green-skinned people—Guado—walking amiably along its streets.
Good adjective use, eh?
You know it turns you on.
Well, at the time, Yevon did not particularly care whether it turns you on or not, which was openly shown when...he blew up the world.
Erm... Technically, that didn't happen. What technically happened was a few people caught a glimpse of Yevon before he got a chance to shape-shift his body into something that wasn't so fugly... and THEY detonated from the horror.
"Luckily", however, there were only—say—63 people who saw him.
Meaning, in other words, that half the population of the entire city went "BOOM!" in just one second. And even worse, there were some people who saw those people blow up, but did not blow up themselves. It was not a very pleasant sight to see your beloved family members explode so randomly, you see. Therefore, the people who saw the 63 people randomly detonate, were quite shocked, and ended up crying and bursting into song.
Some did this because they were grieving for their dead loved ones...
...But most did this because they got noticeable bloodstains on their shirts, which they bought from Abercrombie and Fitch, and were therefore too expensive to be replaced.
But either way, Yevon cackled to himself at all the bloodshed and tears he had caused. Despite himself, he shape-shifted into a larger, less ugly human body (still uglier than most humans, however) with the physical attributes of a certain familiar Guado from a certain familiar videogame.
"So. This is Guadosalam these days," he muttered, observing the area with interest.
Yevon smirked and walked straight into the large mansion in front of him, knowing very well that it was not his home, and that it was considered rude and unethical to randomly dive into folks' homes. (Except for in RPGs such as Kingdom Hearts or Final Fantasy, of course, where the main character may strut into any random guy's house, leisurely take all his prized possessions and valuable belongings, leave—and still be best friends with the him on your way out.) Even so, however, the guards at the door greeted him kindly with such words as, "Good evening, Tromell!" and "Oh, Tromell, how've you been?"
The malevolent god merely nodded curtly and moved past.
He closed the double doors behind him and emerged at a large, spacious room with two marble staircases on either side of him, both leading to the same place. He took the left one and knocked on the door at the top.
"It is I, sir," he called into the room, in a slightly more high-pitched voice than he normally would have used. "May I come in?"
"Oh, it's you, Tromell..." It was an even higher pitched, oily drawl than the one Yevon had used, and it came from none other than Seymour Guado himself. Yevon, who was of course cleverly disguised as Tromell Guado, Seymour's assistant, entered the room. "Have you any important news?" Seymour inquired.
"Well, yes, sir... I have an idea to share." Yevon, who was quite adept at lying and being mischievous, had no problem with this. "I merely thought—"
"Yes? Make it quick, I do have plans to organize, Tromell..."
"Well, sir... It is about one of the people traveling with the Summoner Yuna in her pilgrimage: I've heard her name was...Brynna."
"What about the brat?" Seymour snapped irritably.
"Well, I've learned of something very—interesting—about her that might...benefit you, sir..."
Moments later, Darius struggled to stand up from his looooooong fall and looked around at his surroundings. While he did this, however, a certain member of the group stomped on his foot angrily.
"Darius! You must look where you're going, idiot," Lulu snapped. "You could've died! And you too, Brynna!"
Tidus lifted one shoulder carelessly. "Your point? It would only leave more room for the rest of us, Lu." He scratched his neck comfortably, and observed the area into which they had fallen.
"Hey! If we're going to succeed in this pilgrimage, we have to stick together!" Wakka protested.
"Oh YEAH, and that's coming from someone who was off pooping to his delight, while the rest of us were continuing the pilgrimage!" Brynna pointed out.
Auron frowned. "You haven't even noticed—"
"Noticed what? That Tidus's fly has been unzipped ever since we got to the S.S. Sexy?" Darius retorted.
"I don't remember that..." the blonde Zanarkandian replied, thinking back, and staring off into the sky. Still, he hastily fixed it while no one was looking.
"Well...um...it was only... six CHAPTERS ago!"
"...your mom was only six chapters ago."
"Actually, she was five chapters ago."
"I have to use the bathroom again, brudda..." Wakka interrupted.
"AURON! YOU'RE ALL SWEATY! You're HOT when you're sweaty!" said Brynna.
"………………………………………." both Kimahri and Auron replied in unison, sweat-dropping like madmen.
"Do you have a jar I can put some of that sweat in?" she continued anxiously.
"Do you have a jar I can put your corpse in once I lop off your limbs?" a very distressed Darius put in.
"Do ANY OF YOU have a jar I can pee in?" Wakka whined, hopping on one leg in a manner that was very amusing...but sad.
"Hey, everyone!" Sora, Goofy, and Donald exclaimed happily, popping in from nowhere.
Everyone stared at them. "Who the hell are you?"
Sora turned to Donald exasperatedly. "I TOLD you this wasn't Neverland." And with that, he and the two human-sized animals behind him skipped off to the north.
Lulu watched them gallop away, tapping her foot impatiently. Then, she said, "LOOK. Can we PLEASE just get to another damn cut-scene, so we can do something IMPORTANT?!"
"Um, guys..." Yuna said quietly, raising her hand.
They all stopped to stare at her.
"... I think we've been in each other's company a bit too long..." Yuna awkwardly smiled at them. "I think...maybe we need a bit of a break? I mean, all those people who died in the fight against Sin, back at Operation Mi'ihen...it was... And...maybe it's gotten to us. I just—don't—" Her smile, which had recently faded and been replaced by a horrible frown and eyes that seemed on the verge of producing tears, quickly returned. "I just think we should split up, guys!" She was forcing herself to be happy, not allowing grief to get to her.
Tidus sighed and ran a hand through his golden hair, which parted easily with the slightest movement of his hand. "Yuna...don't..." But he seemed unable to find the words.
Darius peered over at him. Tidus seemed to have found a sudden interest in his shoes, for he was now staring at them with such intensity that Darius was sure he was just determined not to look at Yuna's forcefully happy face. It was just as Kimahri had said, back at Mi'ihen:
"Never shove roadkill down a chocobo's butthole."
... ... oh! Wrong quote. I meant:
"She must shine bright. Yuna tries hard, because now are dark times. If we worry, she tries harder."
Sad, Dar thought, shaking his head with much pity. She's...not able to grieve, if something sad happens. She has to keep giggling and grinning, just so all the Spirans can be cheerful! That's...not sexy at all.
And alas, he was quite correct; it was about as sexy as a tape of Squidward and Patrick stripping on a pole.
...on the SAME pole.
...TOGETHER.
...in the CITY.
...during SUMMERTIME.
...with OIL rubbed onto their chests.
"Yuna is right," Auron said solemnly. "We, as a group that must defeat Sin, must not deter from our goal. And it may be hard not to do that if the members of the group get easily annoyed with one another. Yuna is right that it may be best to split up for now."
There was a moment of silence.
"I'm with Auron!" was the first thing to come from Brynna's mouth. And a very sad, shameful thing, at that, Darius added, feeling sorry for poor Auron for having to deal with such an obnoxious fangirl.
(Which brings up a good point. Is it just me, or have you ever noticed how there are millions of "fangirls", but never any "fanboys"? Hm. I guess Michael Jackson kidnapped them all?)
Of course, Darius was NOT exactly the most businesslike, practical person himself...so he really shouldn't have been talking.
And if he was the most businesslike, practical person...Yevon help us.
Tidus seemed to be in deep thought. "Thennn... if we're going to separate into groups, how about my group consists of Yuna and me...and the other group consists of...everyone else?"
Yuna blushed, but Darius was not amused—which was bluntly shown when he whipped out a giant mallet and smashed it against Tidus's head. "How about not," he said. Then, too quiet for them to hear, he added, "Or else you two would have two babies and three STDs by the time we met back up..."
Brynna, whose seemingly supersonic ears picked up on this, giggled and nodded vigorously.
"What are you two chortling about, brudda?" Wakka said, scratching his red head.
"Bunnies and cheese," Brynna responded sarcastically. "What do you thinkWakka?"
Before Wakka had a chance to respond, Auron quickly butted in. "The groups are as follows: Kimahri, Lulu, Brynna, and Wakka; and Tidus, Yuna, Raishad, and I—"
"It's 'Darius...' " Dar interrupted, aware that he had never openly told anyone in the group his birth name before. "...not Raishad."
Tidus eyed him. "Potato, po-tah-to."
Darius pulled out the giant mallet again.
Tidus quickly vanished behind Kimahri, who rolled his eyes and shook his head with much obvious pity.
"Anyway..." Lulu continued. "Is everyone content with the groups?"
(The responses consisted of: "I guess...," "Mmmmmmmhm," "Yep", "...whatever," "Hmph", "...", and "Did you say somethin', Lu?")
"...I'll pretend like everyone said 'Yes,' " Lulu murmured, after throwing a boulder at Wakka, who was the one who had said "Did you say somethin', Lu?"
And, saying nothing more, Dar continued looking around the place and pleasantly put away his mallet for later use. It consisted mainly of a broad road that led up to a small hut on the right and, in front of that, a towering temple with electric sparks flying out from its walls. "What the—" He froze. "Wait a minute, we're here! Djose Temple!"
The others observed the place further and seemed to brighten a bit, glad that they didn't have to journey any farther to reach the destination. "Oh, so we are..." Lulu observed.
While Brynna continued to ogle happily at Auron, Yuna had a question for the group.
"So, um, guys?" Yuna raised her hand timidly and nodded in the direction of the temple of Djose. "Um... since Dar, Auron, Ti, and I are all in a group, and since I must go through to the Chamber of the Fayth..."
Lulu nodded. "Yes, they shall take you through the Cloister of Trials, while the rest of us wait," she said, "...or they will face my ass's wrath."
"Why do we have to face your ass's wrath? Why can't we just face yours?" Tidus queried.
Apparently her ass is more violent than the rest of her, Darius said internally, picturing Lulu beating them down with naught but her buttocks as weapons. He had to quickly stop, though, because the picture in his mind was becoming more and more disgustingly nasty as time went on.
"ANYWAY!" he exclaimed, forcefully changing the subject and clearing out his mind before anyone could reply to Tidus's "highly intellectual" query. "If we're not back in seven minutes..."
Tidus, Yuna, and Dar all exchanged glances and nodded quickly in agreement.
"...then wait longer, damn it," they finished in unison, beaming.
"And don't molest each other while we're gone," Darius added, as his group began to walk off. (He could swear Lulu and Wakka mumbled, "Awwwwwwww man..." when he said this.) "Oh, and watch out for moldy people. Yeah, and don't eat small children without the proper kitchen utensils. And if you come across Sora, Donald, and Goofy again while we're gone, tell them I would very much like to know how to get past Atlantica; I've been stuck there for months. Oh yeah, and when is FFXII coming out? I heard it had—"
"WHAT THE FUCK?? SHUT THE HELL UP!" everyone in Spira boomed, thus violating the T-rating for both FFX and this fanfiction, and effectively pushing it into a "Mature"-rated game/fic.
Auron turned around and gave the others a hateful look that seemed to say, 'Dammit, why the hell did you place me in THEIR group?'
But he and rest of them shuffled off, nonetheless, into the dark of the night... Well, more like, into the temple... BUT!
"Why thank you sir," a high, peaceful voice said from Seymour's room, in Guadosalam. "I shall now take my leave."
A moment later a kind-looking man with messy, green hair pleasantly emerged from the room, politely shut the door behind him—
—and grinned nastily.
As he did so, his pupils flashed a dark maroon color and his clothes rustled a bit. Without delay, the man, Yevon (without changing his appearance), descended down the staircase and dematerialized once more.
When he reappeared, he was in a locked closet with an unconscious man in front of him who was chained tightly to a chair and had tape slapped across his mouth. The man had the exact same physical attributes as Yevon, but the expression on his face was blank, as opposed to the horrible menacing expression on Yevon's.
"Looks like your existence was meaningful," the god sneered. And, without reciting any incantations or making any gestures with his hands, he magically released the real Tromell from his unconscious state and materialized him back into Seymour's mansion, where no one would know anything suspicious had occurred.
The god exited the room, entered an abandoned alleyway somewhere in the streets of Guadosalam, shape-shifted back to his normal ugly form, and materialized back to wherever the hell he came from, knowing that the work he had done was going to pay off sometime very soon.
He had never directly interfered with things in Spira before. But this was a special case, after all.
"Yuna, are you ready to enter the Chamber?" Auron asked, "because once we do..."
"Yes... I understand, Sir Auron, I'm—" She abruptly stopped. "Wait. . . . Is that . . . Luzzu!?" Yuna whispered, pointing in the general direction of a certain tall, red-haired Crusader leaning against one of the walls of the temple.
"Shhhhh!" a priest snapped at her, shooting the group an unpleasant glare.
"...bastard!" Darius took out Dyrnsyn and sliced off the priest's head.
They walked over to where Luzzu had his face buried in his hands, and they poked him a couple times until he acknowledged their presence. "Oh...hey," he muttered, hardly loud enough to hear.
"Hey, man!" Tidus exclaimed. "You okay?"
Luzzu looked up. "Hm? Oh, yeah, I'm fine. It's just Gatta..." Luzzu swallowed hard. "He's..."
"Really OOC?" Darius put in.
"No! Well, that too, but—"
"SHHHHHH!" the now-headless priest snapped again, interrupting.
"...ass!" Darius, wondering why the priest was still alive, took out Drynsyn and a chainsaw and sawed/sliced off the man's limbs. Then, he turned back to Luzzu and asked, "He's what, then?"
"Gatta... He's... HE'S..."
Yuna cupped a hand to her mouth. "Oh no, Luzzu... Tell me you don't mean to say he's... MOLDY?"
"NO! Well, that TOO, but—"
"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" the headless-and-limbless priest snapped again, interrupting once more.
"...hoe!" Darius, wondering why the hell the priest was STILL alive, took out Dyrnsyn, a mini-chainsaw, and five small children, and used them to pluck out the man's eyelashes, rip out his tongue, feed his toenails to a pack of wild hungry moogles, and pimpslap him to Hell and BACK to finish his sorry ass off.
"Then what's wrong with him, dammit!" Tidus barked impatiently. "Wait... Are you trying to tell us...he's really...a WOMAN?"
"NO!" Luzzu shouted. "Well, actually that TOO.. But...! I'm trying to tell you... Gatta...he's...he's...!"
"Dead?" Auron suggested.
"YES!" And, with it finally said, Luzzu burst into uncontrollable tears and started banging his fists against the wall dramatically.
"...Ohhhhhhh, okay! That's it?" Dar, Tidus, and (surprisingly) Yuna and Auron asked, wiping their foreheads with relief. "We thought someone died or something!"
And with that, they all went, in unison, "Phew!" and galloped into the Chamber of Secrets—er, I mean the Cloister of Trials—leaving poor Luzzu alone in the room with the creepy little undead priest, to moan all he wanted over the death of OOC Gatta.
"GET—THE HELL—OFF ME, BASTARDS!" a shrill voice cried out. There was a multitude of "SLAPP!" noises issuing from where the voice was coming from, but the frantic slapping was not enough to stop them from carrying her away into their airship. And what was worse was that her daggers had been taken away from her, so the little girl had no means to attack.
"NO! LEAVE HER ALONE! STOP!"
Lulu concentrated her power, whipped out a moogle, and cast a surprisingly strong Thundara spell on the masked kidnappers. It hit one of them, causing him to fall off the airship—but it was not enough.
"LU, WATCH OUT!" Wakka boomed, and the second she ducked out of the way, he spiked his blitzball in the direction of the enemies and knocked a good number of them off the airship—but it was not enough either. "God damn it! We can't do this without the others!"
"You're right... But they're still in the temple! I don't know if we can kill off so many of them on our own..." Lulu muttered.
But the strong, deep voice from behind them had other plans:
"Kimahri can. Kimahri no need others."
With no further discussion, the Ronso howled to the skies like a wolf on a full moon, got on all fours, and sped forward like a mad cheetah to catch up to the airship, which was already taking off. At a certain point, he sprang into the air, about to land on the airship to save the anonymous girl from the unknown kidnappers, when—
WHACK.
One of the kidnappers leaned out of the airship and literally swatted the Ronso with a flyswatter, causing Kimahri to fall down to earth quite unpleasantly.
Lulu and Wakka ran up to him and helped him up. "You alright, ya?" Wakka asked.
"I thought you said you 'no need others,' " Lulu stated rudely.
"Hmph." Kimahri stood up. "We must tell Yuna."
"You're right... COME ON!" Wakka led the way and burst through the doors to the temple, just as Yuna and her other guardians were descending the steps that led to the Cloister of Trials.
"Oh, hey guys!" Tidus greeted them, waving cheerfully.
Yuna beamed. "I've got great news! I've just receive my third aeon...the aeon of lightning, Ixion. Oh, and we met another kind summoner named Isaaru...and his two guardians, Maroda and Pacce! They said something about summoners randomly disappearing, but—"
"Yuna! That's all good and well, but listen! Something's happened!" Wakka butted in.
"Hm? What is it?"
Auron's eyes flashed. "Wait. Where is Brynna?" he questioned sharply.
"That's what we're trying to tell you!" Lulu exclaimed. "Brynna, shes...!"
"Really strange and creepy?" Tidus suggested.
"No!" Lulu exclaimed. "Well, that too...but she's--"
"Secretly the daughter of the little girl from The Ring?" Darius suggested.
"No! Well, probably that TOO... but, no, she's..."
"An obsessed little girl with no life who glomps Auron on a daily basis?" Tidus suggested cheerfully.
"No! Well, I mean, that TOO, damn it... But! More importantly, SHES--!"
"A beautiful, sweet, lovely ray of sunshine from Heaven with lots of potential and a strong heart?" Yuna suggested.
Pause.
"... HELL no."
Lulu cleared her throat.
"...anyway...she's been kidnapped and taken to Guadosalam!"
There was an overly elongated pause of silence while everyone let these words sink in. Then--
"Ohhhhhhhhhhh... that's ALL?" they all said in unison, sighing with much relief and wiping their foreheads.
Lulu glared at them. "And she took all our Gil with her!"
"SHE DID WHAT?! WE MUST RETRIEVE HER!"
Lulu: ...-anime sweatdrop-
- - -
Author's Note-...Ain't it sad how people care more for Gil than for the welfare of creepy little children?
...um, please review!
/\./\;
-S