Disclaimer: Do I ever own anything?
Summery: What if Sanzo was actually a woman? How long will she able to keep it a secret? And how will the others react when they find out? Read what it would be like if Sanzo was actually a woman!
Pairing: Sanzo x Just about everyone
Note: This is just going to be the basic original story in the books, with a few minor changes.
♀♂♀♂♀♂♀♂♀♂♀♂♀♂♀♀♂♀♂♀♂♀♂♀♂♀♂♀♂♀♀♂♀♂♀♂♀♂♀♂♀♂♀♂♀♀♂♀♂♀
Sanzo moaned as she held her stomach and laid in bed. It had been 3 days since the Spider incident, and her stomach still hurt!
Ugh! What was wrong with her?!
She had made sure she had gotten her own room, so she could suffer alone. God, her stomach hurt...
There was a knock on the door.
"Sanzo? Are you alright?" Hakkai called.
'What do you think, you moron?' she silently cursed him.
"Of course. Now go away!" she hissed. Couldn't those idiots see she wanted to be alone?
"Are you sure?" he asked. "You don't sound well."
"I'm fine! Now go away before I blow your head off!" Sanzo yelled loudly and threateningly. Hakkai sighed, knowing he wasn't going to get anywhere.
"Very well, Sanzo. Good night." he said. Then he left.
Sanzo laid back on the bed holding her stomach. Maybe she would feel better in the morning. Maybe...
//4:00 in the Morning//
Around 4 in the morning Sanzo woke to a soggy feeling in her bed. She groggily sat up and looked at the bed and saw... blood! She realized she was bleeding! Sanzo began to silently panic! Why was she bleeding?! She wasn't hurt! So why was she bleeding? She quickly stripped off the bloody sheets and hid them in the clothes hamper. She bit on her thumb, hard. What should she do? She couldn't go to Hakkai, but she had to see some kind of doctor to see what was wrong with her! I mean, was it normal for her to be bleeding there? Finally Sanzo decided she should go see a town doctor.
She grabbed her gun and sutra, then jumped out the window. It was a good thing she always wore her robes. She landed on the ground with ease, then took off down the street, looking for a doctor's office.
Finally she found a small doctors apartment. She took a deep breath, then entered. She saw a woman sitting at a desk, reading. The woman had long, ebony black hair and almost glowing, green eyes.
The woman looked up at her.
"What's the problem? Oh, wait... Let me guess," she said as she folded her paper and stood. "You're actually a woman, who disguised herself as a man from birth, and is now a high ranked monk, traveling around 3 men, who have no idea that you're a woman, and now something strange happened, and you have no idea what to do. Am I right?" Sanzo gawked at her.
"How did you know?!" she yelled. The woman laughed victoriously as she flipped her fair.
"I make a living in disguising my appearance dear! Tis no challenge for me! Now, tell me what's wrong and use your real voice. It's weird hearing man's voice from someone I know is a woman." she said. Sanzo hesitated, then said, hesitantly,
"I, um... I'm bleeding." She hadn't used her real voice for years, so it sounded a little weird, but still pretty none the less.
"Oh? Where?" the woman asked. Sanzo, still blushing, pointed to her lower half. The woman blinked, then began to laugh and roll on the floor. Sanzo twitched.
"Relax! This is perfectly natural! You're just having your period!" Sanzo gawked.
"You mean... This is... normal?!" she exclaimed. The woman sweat dropped.
"What did I just say?" Sanzo moaned to herself as she sat down and put her hands over her face.
How could this be happening? It was hard enough to hide the fact that she was a woman! Now she had to hide her figure, her breasts, her voice, and now this! Why was this happening to her? The woman looked at her sympathetically.
"Look, kid... It's never easy being a woman, especially in your situation. But, it'll be okay... Because from this day forward, I, Tsuki Yami, shall help thee!" she suddenly said, in victorious voice.
"What?! Why the hell would I want your help?!" Sanzo yelled. Suddenly Tsuki got very close to her face.
"Two reasons. One: Do you know anything about being a woman? Apparently not, or you would know about the craps, the bloating, and the bleeding. And do you know about PMS? No! Two: You're gonna need more help in order to keep the fact that you're a woman a secret from your friends now that you have your period. Besides, I'm bored and I have nothing else to do." she said simply. Then she patted Sanzo on the back. "Relax! I'm a master of disguise! Your friends won't even know I'm stalking– I mean, 'following' you." Sanzo glared up at her then put her head in her hands. This had to be a bad dream it had to be...
But still, Tsuki had some good points. She knew nothing about PMS, or anything else about being a woman. As much she hated to admit it... She needed help.
"Now first things first. Use this to stop the bleeding." Tsuki said as she handed Sanzo a tampon. Sanzo looked at it questionably, then at her.
"How am I suppose to use this?" she asked. Tsuki grinned.
//Two days Later//
"How far are we walking, anyway?!" growled Goku after he lost another game off rock, paper, scissors. They were walking through a rocky terrain, and since it was too rocky for Jeep to drive through, Goku had to carry the luggage. "I can't believe I lost 8 times." he mumbled. Sanzo looked at Goku in annoyance. It was bad enough that she had tampon on for two days! She didn't need to hear the monkey whine!
"Our jeep can't pass through this rocky terrain, I'm afraid." replied Hakkai before she could. Goku moaned then turned to Hakuryu and yelled,
"Hey, you! Can't you transform into something besides a jeep, Hakuryu?!"
"Teacher– The animal's abusing the animal." tattled Gojyo. Sanzo and Hakkai, of course, ignored him.
Actually, Sanzo was wondering where Tsuki was. She had told her that she would be closely behind them, and that Sanzo should keep an eye out for her. But Sanzo hasn't seen her for two days. She was starting to wonder if she got lost or something.
"At this rate the sun will set before we make it through the mountains." grumbled Sanzo. Then they suddenly came upon a giant shine that was built into the mountain. What timing.
"Perhaps we could stay here for tonight." said Hakkai.
"Geh. Looks like some kind of shrine." grumbled Gojyo, obviously not liking the idea.
"Excuse me!" yelled Hakkai, ignoring him. He didn't know about Gojyo, but he'd rather sleep in a temple than on the ground. Then a bald monk appeared at the top of a balcony right above the door.
"What do you want?" he asked rather rudely.
"We are travelers. We seek shelter for the night." said Hakkai politely. The monk scowled in disgust.
"Hmph. These are scared grounds." he said. "People of unknown linage are not welcome in these halls."
"What?!" exclaimed Goku.
"Pretentious asshole...I friggin' hate priests!" said Gojyo as he flipped the bird.
"You don't say." said Sanzo dryly from behind him. She knew this was going to happen. Monks were stuck up ssholes.
"This is a problem." said Hakkai.
"Man, but I'm starving!" whined Goku. Then he turned to Sanzo and said, "Talk to 'em, Sanzo!"
"D-did you say Sanzo?" exclaimed the monk. "It can't be... Priest Sanzo?!"
"What?!" exclaimed another. "P-please forgive our impertinence! You may enter immediately!!" They opened the doors quickly.
"Huh?" said Goku. They changed their tune quick. Sanzo was silent. She had to remember to punish Goku later.
They entered the shrine, with Sanzo in the lead.
"This place is huge." said Hakkai as they walked down the halls.
'It reeks of incense.' thought Goku.
"This way, please." said the monk. He opened the door to reveal a bunch of other monks.
"Ah, exalted Priest Sanzo." greeted the head monk. "We are honored to welcome you to our temple."
"It is we who are honored." said Sanzo, but everyone who knew Sanzo knew she was bullsh!tting.
"Hey. Why's Sanzo so important all of a sudden?" whispered Gojyo to Hakkai and Goku.
"It must be the power of his 'Sanzo' title. Supposedly there are 5 sacred scriptures in this world– called 'Tenchi Kaigen'. The priests chosen to protect those scriptures are given the name 'Sanzo'. They are revered as the highest priests in all of Buddhism." explained Hakkai.
"So how did our smoking, drinking, killing buddy here get to be a Sanzo?" asked Gojyo.
"I don't understand it ether." said Hakkai. The monks, who had not heard them, continued talking to Sanzo.
"Actually, Priest Koumyou Sanzo graced us with his presence ten years ago. Even now the noble, solemn figure of Priest Koumyou is burned in my eyes. You truly resemble him, Priest Genjyo." said the monk. Sanzo was emotionless at the mention of her old master, but she felt her chest tighten a little. The old monk continued. "I heard that after Priest Koumyou Sanzo passed away, he chose you to succeed him. It is said you were his favorite pupil."
"I did not come here to discuss those matters." interrupted Sanzo. "My companions and I have had a long and difficult journey. We require a night's reprieve."
"Yes! Of course! We'd be honored! Except..." said another monk.
"Yes?" pressed Hakkai.
"This is a holy temple. We usually don't admit outsiders. Especially those who aren't followers of Buddha. And those three..."
"So priests can stay, but not normal people?" yelled Gojyo. "What is this, a frickin' country club?"
"Now, now." said Hakkai trying to calm him down.
"I don't care." said Sanzo. For all she cared they could sleep on the ground.
"Waa! That's what I thought he'd say!" said Goku.
"Or are these men your disciples, priest Genjyo?" asked the monk.
"Hm?" said Goku as he pointed at himself.
"Them? No." Sanzo replied, cooly. "They're my slaves." Goku and Gojyo tried to jump at her saying,
"I'll kill 'im!" But Hakkai held them back.
"Yes, yes. Just play along." he told them.
"Of course, I see. They may stay." continued the monk. "Please make yourselves at home, Priest Sanzo. We'll prepare our best room for you and your company." Sanzo just sighed as the monks started to lead them to their room for the night. As she passed one of the Buddha statues, she swore it winked. She stopped and walked back a little and stared at the statue.
"Something wrong, Sanzo?" asked Hakkai, noticing she had stopped.
"...No. Nothing at all." Sanzo said. She didn't believe it at first, but Tsuki really was good at disguising herself. She looked like a real Buddha statue. "Let's go." she said to Hakkai as she started to walk away. Suddenly something was thrown at her. She caught it and looked at it. The lable. It said, 'Hormone Pills'. Sanzo raised an eyebrow. Hormone pills? What did she need that for?
"What's that?" asked Hakkai.
"Nothing." said Sanzo quickly as she pocketed the pills before Hakkai could see them. Hakkai looked at her questionably. Uh-oh! He was on to her!
Anyway, the monk lead them to their room, then left.
"Now that's what I'm talking about!" said Goku happily as he sat on one of the beds.
"This room is quite impressive." said Hakkai, who was petting Hakuryu.
"I guess. All thanks to the mighty lord prissy boy." smirked Gojyo.
"I'm going to kill you." growled Sanzo.
"Please, make yourselves at home." said a little bald boy, who was holding a tray of tea. "My name is Yo. I have the honor of serving you this evening. I'm very please to meet you!"
"Damn good for nothing priests. I asked for a chick and they send me this prick." complained Gojyo, wearing a face of disappointment.
"How vile!" exclaimed Yo angrily. "Women are forbidden inside this temple. Isn't that right, Priest Sanzo."
"Why are you asking me?" asked Sanzo. Since she was a woman, she really was the wrong person to ask. Yo then started to praise.
"I've always dreamed of meeting a Sanzo priest, but I never imagined I'd actually get to serve one! You are my inspiration!" he said to Sanzo with sparkly eyes. "Being a Sanzo means you've been selected by Buddha himself. Yours is the highest existence in all of Buddhism!" In the background, in the background Goku was snickering with Gojyo. Yo didn't notice, though.
"So please relax! If you need anything at all, please don't hesitate to call. Good night!" he said. When Yo was gone Goku burst out laughing, unable to hold it in anymore.
"Oh, man! He really doesn't know Sanzo at all!" he laughed as he held a pillow.
"I'd love to see that kid's face if he knew Sanzo was packing a gun." said Gojyo. Hakkai laughed as well.
"A prime example of the old adage 'Ignorance is bliss'." he said. Sanzo just started to read the paper.
//Later//
"Ah, man! I'm hungry again!" complained Goku as he played mahjong with the other boys. "All they gave us was beans and veggies."
"The monk's diet is very strict. While we're here we must abide by their customs." said Hakkai, his serious face on as he played the game.
"Well, it still sucks. And now I reek of incense." grumbled Gojyo.
'Well, it's better than your original smell.' Sanzo thought.
"It's just one night, so deal with it." she said as she took a puff of his cigarette. "Ron." Suddenly Yo burst in and yelled,
"Good heavens, what are you doing?!"
"Mahjong." replied Gojyo simply.
"No! You mustn't smoke tobacco, Priest Sanzo!" yelled Yo.
"Huh?" said Sanzo.
"Yo. Another cold one." called Gojyo. "Be a friend, baldy."
"Alcohol?! Here?!" screamed Yo. "You must dispose of it at once!" He grabbed Gojyo's bag and all his porn and beer fell out. Yo turned red as his eyes became swirls.
Later another monk came in and posted a sign that said,
'No smoking! No drinking!'
"Feh." grumbled Gojyo. Yo had a towel on his head.
"...Indeed." growled the monk. "How could a Sanzo priest... surround himself with such low class people?" Suddenly Sanzo slammed her hand into the wall near the monk's face.
"Listen Buddha boy..." she said in a low voice. "I'm thirsty. Fetch."
"Y-Yes, sir! I'll bring you some tea right away!" said the monk as he left.
"Good boy." Sanzo said.
"What just happened?" asked Goku.
"Damned if I know." said Gojyo as he read the paper.
"By the way, this shine hasn't been attacked by Yokai, has it?" Hakkai asked Yo.
"Here? Of course it hasn't!" said Yo. "This is Buddha's divine protection. Servants of evil won't come near it. Our strong protects us from the dangers of the outside world."
"So you guys don't have weapons, or anything?" asked Goku.
"Buddha forbids taking the lives of others." replied Yo.
//Later//
Sanzo walked down the halls of the temple. A monk came and told Sanzo that the head monk wanted to see her. There was something strange about the monk leading her though...
"Did you take the pills I gave you?" the monk suddenly asked.
"Huh?" said Sanzo.
"The pills. You know, the hormone pills I gave you." said the monk again as he spoke in Tsuki's voice. Sanzo stared.
"Tsuki?!" she said. Tsuki chuckled.
"Didn't recognize me, did you? But more importantly, you have to take those pills for your hormones." she said. "Oh, and the head monk really does want to see you."
"I do not have hormones! How can you say something like that?" said Sanzo, in a suddenly teary eyed voice. Then Sanzo realized what she just said and how she said it.
"You were saying? Don't worry you'll only have them before and during your period, until you get pregnant, or you reach medapos that is... Oh, well. In the mean time, those pills will help. I put a little something special in them to make you act normal." Tsuki told Sanzo. Sanzo moaned.
"Is there no end to this!" she growled as she hit the wall. Tsuki smiled as she put a hand on Sanzo's back.
"It's tough being a woman, isn't it?" she chuckled. "Now, take your pills and go see the old priest." Sanzo growled to herself as she took two pills. Then sighed.
"Alright, let's go see that old fart and get this over with!" Tsuki chuckled and in a boy voice said,
"Glad to see your back to yourself, Master Sanzo."
"Shut up or die."
XXXXXXXXX
"So... What do you want to talk about?" said Sanzo in a clearly pissed voice.
"Uh ooh..." said Tsuki quietly to herself. "She's pissed."
"Actually, Priest Sanzo... We would like to humbly request that you stay at our temple." said the head priest.
"Sorry, but I'm in a hurry." Sanzo immediately declined.
"Just one month... No, even a week is fine!!" begged the another monk. "A Sanzo priest visiting our mountain shrine is surely a sign from Buddha. You must stay and give us guidance! Everyone wishes to share in this good fortune. Please, it would mean so much to this temple if you could stay."
Suddenly Sanzo smirked.
"Let me guess." she said. "You asked Koumyou Sanzo the same thing, right?"
"Well, yes..." said the old monk. "But he politely declined." Sanzo sighed.
"He was a really good person, My master. Now, if you'll excuse me." she said as she turned.
"P-priest Sanzo–!" the monks cried after her. She turned and glared at them.
"My master may have had the patience to deal with idiots like you, but I don't. You want to hear what Koumyou Sanzo really thought about you?" she asked. "He said this temple is a joke. A way for old men to live in denial about their own mortality."
"What are you saying...?!" exclaimed the old monk.
"That you're a bunch of old farts who need to get back to planet earth." Sanzo said.
"You've said too much, Priest Sanzo!"
"Ah, shut up." said Sanzo as she rubbed her head. "Go grow some hair."
Just then a another monk came running in.
"It's terrible!!"
"What is all this ruckus?! Have you forgotten your manner?" said the old monk with disdain.
"There's no time for that, sir! We're under attack! It's a Youkai!" said the other monk.
"What?!" exclaimed the old monk. Sanzo suddenly looked alert.
"He says that if we don't give him Priest Sanzo... He'll kill every monk in the temple!
XXXXXXXX