disclaimer: i know i saw it somewhere around here...
I walk back inside the bar trying to decipher the earlier events. I'm feel like I'm in one of those movies where everything is in slow motion. I don't understand this at all. Sure, I'm in love with Catherine, and I thought I was the only one who knew this. Now comes Nicky, telling me to tell her. Then I find out Greg knows something about it too. Are guys like girls? That they gossip? I always thought they talked about sports or cars or whoever got laid. They're not suppose to be like us girls who just love to talk about what we feel. We have this so called need to 'share'.
Damn it! Nicky and Greg should mind their own business or just shut the hell up. What do they know what I feel? Are they aware how hard it is for me to go day by day seeing and working side by side with Catherine and not be able to tell her what my heart wants to shout out? No. How everytime I'm not with Catherine that my heart aches of emptiness, a void that she only can fill? No. How much I want to hold her and make her mine? No. So what the hell do they know?
Men! You need them but can't stand them.
Might as go back in and get another dose of humiliation, embarrassment mixed with my so called cuteness. I'm on a roll tonight!
Sure does take awhile for the crowd to thin out...
Damn! Who is that jerk hovering over her? What is he doing? I go out for a few minutes and now there is a jerk making kissy faces at her!
Is that a wine bottle and glass? Why is he trying to offer her a glass of wine? He thinks my beers are cheap? Hell, I'm only a government paid CSI. Who dares to come near my beloved? I may be Sara Sidle, the brooding CSI chick but I know a thing or two about kicking people where it hurts. I got my heavy boots on, and I'm not afraid to use it! Plus I got two beer bottles to whack him with it.
Damn! What the hell am I turning into?? It may be the two beers taking effect on me or I'm a freaking psychopath in the making!
Sara! So is Greg okay?" She beams when she sees me slide and sit next to her in the booth. She squeezes my arm, I grin at her. Yes, I'm ready to protect my lady love from that good looking hunk of a weirdo whose probably trying to pick her up. I turn my attention to him and look directly in his eyes. I hope he can see my dagger looks with all the strobe lights flashing around us. He's smiling at me. Okay, they need to turn the main lights on so he can see I'm giving him the death stare.
"Well, your lady friend is back." He flashes his perfect porcelain pearly whites towards Catherine's direction. With the stobe lights it almost look like it's glowing. God, I hate him already. He looks my way and bends a little, "just keeping your beautiful friend company till you got back." I nod at him but refuse to smile. I think I can almost see my reflection in his teeth. When is he leaving? He looks at Catherine then at me. Both of us are not making a peep or a sound. How long will it take him to get the hint that he's not wanted?
He finally staightens out is shirt, probably Armani, better yet an imitation of it. "Well, I best be going then." He picks up the extra wine glass and as he turns away he nods in my direction and whispers, "you're very lucky." And with that the man walks away. My death stare works. Good.
Wait a minute... what does he mean I'm very lucky?
Catherine squeezes my arm, preventing me to process my thoughts. I can't help it if a touch from her makes me feel all fuzzy and warm. She leans closer and whispers in my ear, "come on, it's just the two of us now. They're announcing their last song. Let's dance." I cannot tell you how sexy that whisper is. Her closeness- the feeling of her body touching mine, the faint scent of her perfume, the tingly feeling of her warm breath in my ear. All I could do is let out a breath of air. For a moment I even forgot to inhale. My heart is pounding so loud I can hear it. Damn, I'm so turned on. Who wouldn't? Okay, I'm the only one allowed.
She stands up and takes my hand. I really need to breathe because everything is dimming around me.
God, the effects of being in love is so beautiful.
I follow her to the dance floor, not many of us are left. She puts her hands on my shoulder and locks her fingers behind my neck. I'm practically looking down at her, our faces inches apart. I automatically put my hands on her tiny waist. Golly, she's so soft to touch!
She smiles at me. "Their last song is always special, so they're dimming the lights." I still like my version of everything is darkening around me because I'm holding the woman of my dreams. That is what I will tell my offsprings, it's more romantic that way. Now if they turn on their smoke machine, it'll be like dancing in heaven with an angel.
The band starts to plays a slow song. I look at her in hesitation, "Catherine, I don't know how..."
"Shhh...close your eyes, Sara. You'll be fine." And I follow what she says. I close my eyes and let her take over me.
I let her take over me...
Take over me...
Please, make it forever.
I close my eyes and hung on to her. It's just me and her. This is what I always dreamed of. Me with Catherine Willows. I never thought this would happen to me. I never expected to fall so much in love. It scares me a lot. This feeling of being so much in love hurts. Being next to her, holding her, laugh, joke and smile with her hurts. Not able to convey my feelings for her hurts. Okay, I get it now: Love does hurts. A wanted and much needed beautiful feeling that hurts like hell.
Loving Catherine Willows hurts.
I always look back on the first time I started falling for her, my logical response back then was to walk away. Move. Transfer. This would interfere with my work. I always told myself that. And I was prepared to leave. Several times I have typed my resignation. Each time I toss it away thinking that it's only a phase I'm going through, that I'll get over it. Several times I stand infront of Grissom's office with words inside my head on why I need a transfer. But I never go in. Several times I stop by her office to say goodbye, to see her for one last time before I walk away. And every time I end up knocking on her door, saying a simple 'Hi'... never a goodbye. Days turned into weeks, then into months and into years. And six years after, I am now so afraid of leaving because I know I won't be able to live without her. The fear of not being near Catherine scares me. Just the thought of it tears me inside. Catherine is so much a part of me. A part of who I am, what I am, of what I will become.
What a fine predicament I'm in.
We dance to the slow beat.
My hands tighten around her waist. I'm so much over come with these emotions. I can't take it and I can't even say it.
"Catherine..."
"Shhh. You're doing just fine, Sara."
"Cath..."
"I got you, Sara. You're okay. I got you."
"Catherine.."
"Shhhh..."
I feel hot tears running down my face. I'm glad for the dimmed lights, she won't be able to see what a weakling I am. What a weakling I so much am!
I open my eyes slowly. And I stare at the face whose eyes are closed. A face I so memorize that I know every detail. I mouth out an 'I love you', knowing she will never know how much I want to say it to her out loud.
She suddenly smiles at me.
No, she couldn't have heard me. No way. Her eyes are still closed. She couldn't have seen me say it.
No freaking way.
So why is she smiling???
so okay. how did I do? receiving reviews is a better high for me than eating the frostings on the cake.
just a bit longer...my christmas gift to you all.