He had no idea what he was doing in front of her apartment. He'd overheard Stella say that tomorrow was Lindsay's first day back and the last thing he wanted was awkwardness in the office because of this. He'd puzzled for hours over what to do, Stella's words ringing sharply in his head. Was he really willing to give up Lindsay Monroe, a woman he'd worked so hard to get to go out with him, because of something he had no idea about?
Finally he gathered his courage and knocked on the door.
She pulled it open, looking like hell, but Danny had seen her at her worst and loved her in spite of it. Those same feelings welled up in his chest almost choking him.
She looked at him, absolutely terrified. "Hi."
Danny stuck his hands in his pockets. "We have to talk."
She opened the door and looked at the ground, anything to avoid his piercing stare. She'd been preparing herself to tell him, but she wasn't ready yet.
He turned to face her once he was inside. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Danny…" she sighed.
"No. I want the truth Lindsay."
Her eyes pleaded with him to understand, to give her more time. "I couldn't."
"You couldn't tell me you were pregnant? You couldn't tell me the one thing that would change my life completely?"
"There was more to tell than being pregnant," she tried, her heart beating triple time in her chest and making her breath come shallow.
"Then tell me, Lindsay, because I sure as hell don't understand."
"I…" she started, trying to regain her footing and scrounge up some kind of courage.
Danny was irritated. "I trusted you, put myself out there with this whole relationship thing and it comes back to slap me in the face. Partners and people in relationships aren't supposed to keep secrets from each other." His eyes were hurt and angry. "Don't you trust me?"
The look in his eyes made her breath catch. "I do trust you Danny, I do. This… this is bigger than just a baby, this is bigger than you and me."
"I want you to tell me damnit!" he exploded, making Lindsay jump.
She had to keep breathing, had to force air into her lungs. "You remember the shooting that gave me nightmares during the Stevenson case? The one that started our relationship?" she asked softly, beseeching him to work with her for a few minutes.
"Of course I do."
"The shooting… The guy who shot me was my… boyfriend at the time. I'd just found out I was pregnant and there was no way this child had a father other than him," she said, focusing her eyes on the floor again and playing with her hands. She was happy for the support of the door behind her. The emotions racing through her were going to break her.
"He cornered me on a case. I was going to keep the baby. I wanted it dearly because then maybe my parents would finally be proud of me for something. I was going to be a mother. I hadn't told my boss, hadn't told pretty much anybody. When he shot me, he aimed for my stomach, aimed for my baby."
Tears were racing down her cheeks and she'd wrapped her arms around her stomach in a protective gesture for both her and the baby. "The doctor told me that they couldn't save the baby. He killed my baby."
She looked up at him finally, her eyes filled with the pain of the memory. "My parents never knew, my family never knew, nobody ever knew. I didn't tell anybody." She looked down. "I couldn't do it again, Danny. I was absolutely terrified to get your hopes up by telling you. I wanted to wait until my first trimester was over, until I could figure something out with Mac about less dangerous cases, ones that were more open and shut or more lab work and less field work. I was going to tell you the night I was shot, when we went out to dinner. That day was the end of my first trimester."
He continued to just look at her, trying to absorb it all. "You were pregnant before."
She held in a sob, looking at the roof at her apartment. "I was so scared, Danny. What if I'd had a miscarriage again, what if you didn't want a baby, what if…." The sob caught in her throat and she choked on it.
He hated seeing her cry. "Come here, Montana," he said softly, opening his arms to her.
She looked at him hopefully until he waved her forward again. Seconds later her head was buried in his shoulder as she sobbed. "I missed you," she repeated over and over again.
He held her closely until her sobbing settled down. "I missed you too."
Lindsay pulled back, her tears leaving red trails down her face. "I'm so sorry, Danny. I didn't want to hurt you with this. I wanted to be happy, I wanted to be excited about it."
"You aren't any more?" he asked her softly, cupping her face and wiping the last trails of her tears.
"I want to be."
How many times had he pictured a future with her? How many times had he dreamed of her pregnant? How many times had he found himself yearning to see her cradling their baby? He made a split second decision. "You should be."
The spark of hope she'd been missing since she'd been shot and she'd seen the hurt flash through Danny's eyes as Stella yelled to the EMT's that she was pregnant. "I should be?"
His hand trailed down her arm, finally coming to rest on her stomach. "We're going to have a baby," he said in awe.
A smile stretched across her face as she laughed through her tears. "We are," she whispered.
He kissed her forehead. "I love you, Lindsay."
That stunned her and she froze, her hand on his on his stomach. "What?"
He smiled at her. "I worked hard to get you to like me, Montana. If I didn't love you by this point there would be something wrong with me."
She smiled, fresh tears of happiness coursing down her face. "I love you too," she told him, her voice coarse with the tears.
The smile he flashed was better than any grin he'd ever flashed her in the past. He kissed her forehead, then her nose, then her cheeks and finally her lips. "You know," he started when he finally pulled away from her mouth. "We never got to celebrate your pregnancy."
"No," she agreed, wrapping her arms around his neck. "We didn't."
He nodded sagely. "I think we should."
She chuckled. "I agree."
Hours later, Lindsay was fast asleep against his chest and he was wide awake. They were going to have to talk about sharing their pasts, about meeting their families, especially with this baby on the way.
She shifted against him, a sure sign that she was awake,
"Montana," he said softly. "Come on."
"Five more minutes, Danny," she groaned. "'m tired."
He chuckled. "You can have a couple of hours if you chat with me now," he cajoled.
She looked up, eyes all blurry with sleep and hair tussled. "What is it?"
"Something has to change, Lindsay."
"Hm?" She was still half asleep and therefore only half paying attention to what he was saying.
Danny shook her a little bit more firmly. "Montana, I'm serious."
She moved so her arms were folded over his heart, her chin resting on her hands and her body pressed against his. "I'm listening, I promise."
"This can't happen again," he told her seriously. "We have to trust each other."
"What do you mean?"
"No more of these secrets. No more blindsiding each other."
"You mean talk about the past."
"Mine and yours," he agreed. "Give and take."
Lindsay thought for a moment, her eyes locked on his. "I can't think of anymore deep dark things you don't already know," she admitted. "This was the only other thing…"
His hand stroked up and down her back, reading her emotions in her eyes. Stark and utter truth permeated their depths and he felt his biggest doubts subside. "That makes one of us."
"I'm not going to pressure you, Danny," she said softly. "You'll tell me eventually."
He was taken aback. She was letting him off the hook after he'd gotten upset with her earlier for not just telling him? "Why?"
"Why what?"
"After I forced you to tell me, you're just going to let me go?"
"You'll tell me when you're ready," she repeated. "And I didn't tell you I was pregnant."
Danny sighed, carefully and gently aligning Lindsay's body to his so he could kiss her thoroughly. "What did I do to deserve to keep you?"
She smiled, the smile he liked to call 'his'. "You loved me," she responded. "That's more than enough."
This got turned around on Danny and I'm not totally sure how. I hope it makes sense…