Chapter Eight: Somewhere Only We Know

And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

Keane

…

"How is she? How's the baby?" Meredith stood and began questioning the instant Alex walked into the waiting room.

"Cristina is doing fine; everything went great. She's up in recovery right now, and she should be feeling up to a few visitors at a time in a few hours," he reported.

But Izzie pushed, "And the baby? Alex, is Lillian okay?"

He noticed the anxious stares of not only his friends, but also of Cristina and Burke's mothers and their two boys. "The last time I saw her was right after the delivery; she's still in surgery, and it'll probably be a while. She was six pounds and seven ounces. She seemed strong. She had a good, strong cry," he answered, trying to be as reassuring as possible.

"Thank you, Dr. Karev, for taking such good care of my daughter and granddaughter," Cristina's mother said as she gave him a hug.

"Yes, our Lillian and Cristina are quite fortunate to be in such good hands," Preston's mother seconded.

"Anything to help a friend," he told them. He just hoped that it would be enough.

When Lydia and Sophia came running toward him, he scooped them both up and hugged them tightly. He knew that all too often, he took for granted that his girls had been born happy and healthy. His two beautiful little girls, tiny versions of their mother with their light blonde curls and big brown eyes. They were his chance to put his past behind him and prove to himself that despite what had happened, he didn't have to become the person his father was.

"Uncle Alex?" Oliver whispered as he walked up to him.

"What's up, little man?"

"My mommy is gonna be okay, right?"

He nodded. "She's gonna be fine. In a while, I'll even take you to see her, okay?"

"Okay. And what about my sister? You guys can fix her, right?" he asked, wide-eyed and afraid.

"We'll do everything we can," he promised.

…

"Okay, we're all done here," Addison announced, nearly five hours after she had begun. It had been a delicate, meticulous surgery, but she was almost certain that she had managed to remove the entire mass. And, to everyone's relief, Lillian had pulled through—although not without a few scares along the way.

"What now? Do you think she'll pull through, Dr. Montgomery?" Lexie wondered as she walked alongside Addison on the way

"Now… we wait. It's up to Lillian to fight. I do know that the longer she holds on, the better her chances get, but we've done all we can do for her now. The waiting game is always the hardest part."

Cristina's room was, for the moment at least, calm and quiet. Only she and her husband were there, and both looked up nervously when Addison arrived.

"I'm going to be honest with you. Lillian pulled through the surgery, but it's going to be an uphill climb for her. This is something that we're going to have to take day by day for a while, but she's stable for now. If you'd like, I can take you to see her."

Preston immediately stood, eager to see his newborn daughter again. "Cris, are you feeling well enough to be wheeled to the NICU?"

Surprisingly, though, she shook her head. "I'm still… feeling a little bit out of it. You go ahead. I think I should probably just stay here and rest some more."

"Do you need me to stay? How are you feeling badly?" he questioned, obviously overly worried with everything that was going on.

"No, it's okay. I'll be fine. Really," she assured him, but he was hesitant to leave.

However, Miranda Bailey appeared in the doorway at precisely that moment and added, "You go on up to the NICU, Chief. I'll stay here and keep an eye on her until you get back."

Feeling more reassured now, he nodded and followed Addison as she led the way.

"So, news travels fast in this hospital. How are you feeling?" Bailey wondered.

"It was a routine C-section without any complications. I'll be up and walking by tomorrow."

"But how are you feeling?"

Suddenly, all of Cristina's defenses fell. With tears streaming down her cheeks, she finally admitted, "I should be up there with her. I should… I'm her mother, and I'm not there. And it's not like I don't want to be there, but I just… I can't do it. I can't go there and just sit back and be helpless while my baby is dying. She's my daughter, and I'm supposed to be there for her and protect her... and I can't. And I hate myself so much for it, but it's too hard. It's too much."

Bailey smiled comfortingly and sat down on the edge of Cristina's bed. "I don't know if you remember this, Cristina, but when you were an intern, you and I went up to Idaho to get that heart, we talked about something like this. You asked me about the baby. And I said—"

"'You do what you can, when you can, while you can. When you can't, you can't.' I remember."

"Well, all right then," she nodded.

"I just… hate the fact that I can't," she whispered, and it was obvious that her guilt was more than she could bear.

"That just goes to show how much you love her. We always hate it when we can't be there for the people we love. But we all have our limits, even surgeons. The thing that makes us different is that we'll rarely ever admit it. And when we do, we take it the hardest."

…

"Derek, do you think you could take Elle for the night?" Addison asked, returning from the NICU after Lillian's most recent episode. It had been a very long day, and they had only just begun. The little girl was so fragile, and it was such a touch and go situation.

"Yeah, of course. I'd love to. Everything okay?" he wondered, noticing the look on her face.

She sighed. "I just think I should keep an eye on Lillian tonight. She's given us way too many scares today for me to leave. In fact, I'm going to go back to the NICU to sit with her in just a minute."

"All right," he agreed, standing as he held his two sleeping children in his arms.

Looking around, Addison suddenly realized that the waiting room, which had been filled all day, was now strangely quiet. "Did everyone go home already? It's unusually calm around here. And where did Elle wander of to? I'd like to tell her good night before you leave."

"Um… Preston's mom was with the boys. I'm not sure where Izzie and George went; I'm pretty sure they took the twins for a walk. I know Meredith said she was going to check on Cristina," he reported. "I have a feeling Elle isn't too far behind."

Addison took Hayden from Derek's arms and followed him to Cristina's room. However, they were both surprised to find Preston standing outside, silently looking through the window, wearing a contemplative expression.

The two looked questioningly at one another, but neither had an answer. However, they soon looked into the room and saw what he was seeing.

Elena was the only one who seemed to notice the small gathering outside Cristina's door, and she quietly went to join them. She smiled up at her mother then wrapped her arms around her waist. On this side of the door, things were different; looking into the room on this side, she saw things from an entirely different perspective.

Cristina was lying quietly in the tiny bed, her face now pink and puffy from hours of crying. Meredith was lying beside her to her right, holding her hand tightly; Izzie was sitting at her left. At the foot of the bed was George, and Alex had pulled a chair close to the bed and was now resting his head on his wife's lap.

Nobody said a word, but in the silence was a sort of secret language between the five of them that only they knew. All the others—even Preston—stood as observers to the scene before them, seeing a world held together by the bond formed between five people who had, for a moment, seen the world through the same eyes.

…

"Hey, Preston. I thought you'd probably be asleep by now; it's been a long day for everyone," Addison smiled as he walked into the NICU late that evening. She had decided to stay the night at Seattle Grace to personally monitor Lillian.

"Can't sleep," he replied, although he sounded absolutely exhausted, and pulled up a chair next to Addison. "Don't get me wrong—having two boys is amazing, but I've always wanted a daughter, too. When we found out that we were having a girl, I was ecstatic; I couldn't believe my good fortune. My little Lily. She's beautiful, isn't she?"

"Yeah, she is. Preston… I know that this is hard, but don't say your good-byes yet, okay? She's already made it this far; she's still got a chance," she offered, trying to be supportive. In a way, she knew what it was like to lose a child; in her heart, Leni had been hers. And to this day, every now and then when she least expected it, she was still caught off guard by the loss. "How is Cristina feeling?"

"She's starting to feel better. Meredith is spending the night at the hospital with her in case she needs something while I'm in here."

"I guess it's a good thing I sent Elle home with Derek, then. She'll be a big help with Hayden and Aida," Addison commented. "What about your boys?"

"They're staying with my mama, probably getting spoiled rotten," he laughed, surprising both of them.

"That's great. And, you know, if Cristina is feeling up to it later, it might be a good idea for her to come and visit Lillian; babies seem to thrive when they're surrounded by people who love them," she suggested.

But he shook his head. "One of the crosses that we must bear as doctors is that we are all too aware of the realities of medicine. We know the statistics, and we don't expect any one patient in particular to beat the odds." After a brief pause, he admitted, "Cristina is afraid; she's afraid that she'll get attached and then we'll lose her. I know that Cristina loves Lily, but she's so afraid to lose her."

"She'll come around, Preston. She's had a lot to deal with today, and she needs some time to let it sink in. But eventually, she'll face this. Cristina isn't someone who backs down from a challenge," Addison replied, noting a faint smile cross his face. "And what about you, Preston?"

"If Lily wants to fight, I'll help her fight. And if she wants to let go… well, then, I guess I'll have to let her go," he said simply, rubbing her arm with the back of his hand. "But I hope to God that she decides to fight."