Chapter Nine: One

And when you're running from questions
And it seems like uncertainty controls you
And when you're looking for answers
In the eyes of somebody who knows you
Then one is all that you need
All that you need to keep you warm
All that you need
All that you need to move you
One is all that you need
All that you need to get you home
All that you need
All you need is one

Tina Dico

For the first time in three days, Cristina found herself alone. It wasn't that she minded the company—with the exception of her mother, of course—because it prevented her from thinking. She was being discharged that afternoon, and to her greatest sadness, she would be going home without baby Lillian.

They had spent days preparing the nursery for the arrival of a baby girl; after two boys, Preston had been more than ready to go all-out with everything that signified that the room now belonged to a little girl. Despite the fact that she wasn't one for things that were pink and frilly, she went along with her husband's plan and even got the boys involved in getting Lillian's room ready.

Cristina wasn't sure how she would be able to look into that empty room, into the crib where her baby should have been sleeping peacefully. She couldn't help but wonder if perhaps this was her punishment for wishing away her maternity leave for a quicker return to the hospital. Well, she had certainly been given what she'd asked for.

She wasn't quite sure how she ended up there, but before Cristina realized it, she was in the NICU. There were only five babies in the room, all so tiny and delicate and overwhelmed by the machines and wires that kept them alive. And although she had only seen Lillian that one time before they took her to surgery, she recognized her little girl immediately.

The nurse in charge recognized her and smiled as she sat down next to the incubator that was securing her daughter's life. She was suddenly overcome with the feelings of absolute love and adoration for her child that she'd been fighting against to protect herself in case they lost Lillian. But now, looking into her child's beautiful face, her walls had completely fallen. "Hi, Lillian. It's your mommy. I know I haven't been here in the past few days, and I'm sorry about that, but… I'm here now. I wanted to be here all along, but I'm not as strong as you are, Lily." After a brief pause, she added, "But I will be now."

Meanwhile across town, another mother-daughter duo was busy trying to find the perfect place to call home. Addison and Elena's house in New York had been absolutely beautiful, and it was probably the thing Elena would miss most about living there. However, she knew that houses could be replaced and it was the people inside that made it home, so she was willing to make the sacrifice.

"There's an adorable three-bedroom on Whittier Street that you might like. It isn't very far from Rosebrook or Seattle Grace, so it would be a great location," Marie Hausen, their realtor, offered—still cheerful even after showing them ten houses to no avail.

Addison looked at Elena questioningly, and the little girl responded, "We probably should. After all, we do need a house. It can't hurt just to look. Maybe this house will be the one?"

"Here it is. What do you think?" Marie asked when they arrived a few minutes later. "It was built back in the sixties, but the owners did a great job with the upkeep. The only people who have ever lived here are the original owners, and I think the husband actually built it."

"What made them decide to sell? Over fifty years of memories is a lot to part with," Addison remarked, never removing her view from the house. There was no denying that it was beautiful, and it was obvious that years of painstaking love went into the home.

Marie shrugged. "I don't know the whole story, but his wife passed away a few months ago—cancer, I think. Maybe over fifty years of memories was too much to bear."

The inside was just as charming; an immediate sense of comfort and warmth could be felt by simply walking through the front door. Addison gently traced her finger along the intricately hand-carved banister at the bottom of the staircase; that was already her favorite part of the house.

Elena wasted no time in getting to the room that would make or break her decision about any of the houses—her room. She ran upstairs and, after a moment, called down from the top, "You have to come and see this, Mommy!"

They found the little girl sitting at the window, looking outside and smiling. "This is the house we have to buy," she decided. "It's perfect, and it already feels like home. And my room at our house in New York had a window seat just like this; I really liked that."

She took a seat beside her daughter and looked outside as well. It was a nice neighborhood, and in a lot of ways, it was certainly a step back from the busy, fast-paced Manhattan life. "You sure about this, Elle? Is this our house?"

"Do you like it, Mommy?"

"Yeah, I do."

She smiled and nodded. "Then it's home."

…

"Hey, there you are," Meredith smiled as she joined her friend in the NICU that afternoon. "Lexie is freaking out trying to find you, and she doesn't want to tell Burke that she can't," she laughed, only because she knew that panic-stricken feeling that comes with the first few years of residency all too well. She also knew Cristina and had a pretty good idea where she would find her.

"I feel like such a bad mother," Cristina confided, looking up at her friend.

Meredith rubbed Cristina's arm comfortingly. "You're not. You're human, Cristina. We all get scared and have our weak moments and feel ways we wish we didn't. It happens, okay? And it doesn't make you less of a person or a bad mother. So don't think that."

"There's no one else to blame for this one, Mer. Look at her; she's so helpless. I'm supposed to keep her safe, and I couldn't."

"There was nothing you could have done."

She sighed and confessed, "I could have been here with her. If it was Oliver or Aaron and either of them would have been in the same position, I would have been there. But I thought that maybe… if I didn't get too close and we lost her, then it wouldn't hurt as much. How terrible am I?"

"There are always going to be times when we feel like failures as parents. When you have to deal with a screaming baby after a thirty hour shift, you start thinking some things that later, you can't believe you'd ever think. Like I said, we all have our weak moments," her friend assured her. "And all that counts is that you're here for her right now; you didn't walk away. There's a difference between hesitation and walking away, all right?"

"Oh, thank God," Lexie sighed with relief as she found them in the NICU. "Dr. Yang, whenever you're ready, I'll do one final exam, and then we'll get started on your discharge papers. Dr. Burke said he'd take you home when he's done with an appendectomy." Walking closer to the incubator, she remarked, "She's looking so much better; it's like she gets twice as strong every day. I bet she'll be able to go home really soon."

"Yeah, maybe. She does look stronger, doesn't she?" Cristina said, touching Lillian's cheek gently.

Suddenly Lexie remembered, "Mer, I almost forgot. Derek told me to tell you that he brought Hayden and Aida to Mom and Dad's house. Emergency with a VIP patient or something."

Meredith nodded, but most of her attention remained on her friend. "Hey, Lexie, you look like you could use some coffee. C'mon," she urged, leading her sister by the arm. She knew that Cristina probably wanted to be alone with Lillian; at least, that's what she would have wanted if it had been her child.

"What was that about?" Lexie wondered when they were in the hall.

Meredith sighed. "I just wanted to give her a moment. She just needs some time so she can stop feeling guilty about not being able to control the universe." She paused suddenly, then stated, "You look like you have something on your mind."

"It's nothing," she shrugged before finally admitting, "I was desperate, so I promised Carson that if he helped me find Cristina, I'd go out with him. Isn't it just my luck that he knew where she was? I guess I have to now, right?"

Matthew Carson was a third-year surgical resident, and when Lexie was within a twenty foot radius, it was obvious to everyone present just how head-over-heels he was for her. Under other circumstances, he was quick witted and well-spoken and incredibly handsome; it was no wonder that half of the women on staff had a crush on him. However, much to his misfortune, when Lexie was around, he was lucky to manage a full sentence. Meredith knew that's all her sister saw, but she hoped that Lexie would come around. A man like Matt Carson would be good for her.

"He's a nice guy, Lex," she offered. "A lot better than some of the jerks you've dated. I think you should go; it'll be a nice change for you. And you never know… you might actually fall for the guy."

Lexie just looked at her sister as though she'd turned purple and sprouted a second head. "Seriously doubt that, Mer. You know, I don't think I'm ever going to find what you and Derek have. I mean, you guys have the perfect relationship. I'm talking nauseatingly perfect. Five years of marriage and two kids later, and you two are still just as happy as newlyweds. It's like you don't even have to try."

"Believe me, Lexie, what Derek and I have took work. It took sacrifices and compromises and a lot of sleepless nights to get where we are." Meredith knew that there was no denying that she was extremely fortunate; she really did have all those things for which so many people spent a lifetime searching. She, for one, was well aware of the fleetingness of perfection; however, despite the obvious lessons of the OR, even she would be caught off guard at how quickly things can go wrong.